Making DD do housework

[AIBUmum2023]

So my DD disengaged from education at 16. The country we live in has mandatory education up to 18, and there was a lot of active input to try to get her back to school. My GP said to me that I need to make it so that either education or employment is better than being at home!

Right now, she can’t keep her bedroom tidy, we live in a relatively new house and she’s had mould growing on the (internal) walls and the inside of the windows (which I had to clean as she refused and at the end of the day, it’s my house that is being ruined). She doesn’t put rubbish in the bin, she doesn’t put clothes in for washing, she never changes her bed sheets, she doesn’t brush her teeth, she doesn’t shower. She says she can’t get a job or do a college course because she has anxiety, for which she is medicated, when she bothers to take the medication and she literally spends all day (and night) in her room, watching films, chatting to her friends or trying on outfits and doing make up.

A couple of months ago, I told her that I would take her devices away until her room was clean and she snuck out of the house, sent a text that she was in a “safe” place, said she didn’t feel safe at home and went off for a week, where we didn’t know where she was, so we left her to her own devices. She returned home, said that she owned her devices and that if we took them off her, then she would call the police as that’s theft. To which I said that we (her dad and I) paid for her SIM card, bought her the phone and laptop, paid for everything for her, including her clothes and the broadband she uses, and should we be calling the police for her essentially stealing our SIM card and broadband? I said this to show her how ridiculous she was being.

Since then, I’ve managed to get her to change her bed sheets once, help me change my bed and launder my bedlinens twice and she’s also done her brother’s bedding once (he works a 40 hour week, which would be 42.5 hours but he gets a 30 minute meal break, and he works shifts. He also pays keep, as we pay for everything for him, except his smokes and clothes). She averages once a week for vacuuming common areas and mopping floors. Twice a month for cleaning her bathroom. The only thing I absolutely insist she does is hanging out the washing to dry, emptying and refilling the dishwasher, feeding the cats twice a day, and cleaning the litter boxes.

Last week, she said she was going to stay the night with her friend - she came back late Monday night after a week away. She then asked why neither DH or I had contacted her and DH said that we had been here and she should have contacted us to let us know she was staying away so long. She did phone me on her way home, saying she had missed me and could I collect her from the train station! DH went.

She can’t cook, even though I try to get her to help me in the kitchen and she says that she has an eating disorder, which the psychologist she has started seeing for her anxiety, told her that she has. A couple of years ago, she was seeing a counsellor about her refusal to go to school, and at that time, she came home saying that the counsellor (who isn’t allowed to diagnose anything due to only having a 1 year certificate from college) said that she had PTSD and ADHD (which she has never been diagnosed with, and that no one else has said either). She is having an assessment done to see if she has an eating disorder.

She has gone through a stage where she refused to eat with the family, but then I caught her eating late at night (think 2 am) and also eating lots of junk food (getting her friends to order her Uber eats in the middle of the night), but she will tell the GP, for example, that she doesn’t eat as she’s not hungry, and has no appetite.

There is no bullying or anything in her past, in fact she was a very popular girl with lots of friends and she did very well at school, although to hear her now, she can’t add up 2+2, doesn’t know how many grams in kilo, etc., etc., and I told DH that I think she has weaponised incompetence because things she could perfectly well, she will now say that she can’t do, and never has been able to do.

Anyway, this morning (Tuesday, I’m a lot ahead of the UK), she comes and says to me that she thought that everything would fall apart without her here as she’s the glue that holds the family and house together. To which I just stared at her, in disbelief and shook my head!

Both DH and I have refused to give her money, or buy clothes, makeup, hair dye etc., for her, and we’ve said she either goes back to her job (which was a casual job but she was being trained in lots of different areas, such as cashing up, etc., and didn’t have to restock shelves or anything like that, so not strenuous), finds another full time job, or goes back to education and gets a qualification (if you drop out of school before the end of the school year where you turn 18, you don’t get a qualification at all).

So, my dear fellow parents, am I being unreasonable with my demands of daily dishwashing emptying/refilling, laundry hanging out and bringing in, and cat care?

TLDR

Encourage her to help with household tasks like preparing dinner. Get her to pick a recipe, check the cupboards for the ingredients, shop for missing items, chop, peel, prepare a meal. If she is anxious about the big wide world, then she may need a hand hold to get on top of some of these skills, but if she is just being lazy, then she needs to see what goes into all the household tasks to make her a bit more appreciative.

I would have to put details up concerning my family, and as you say, do many people read this site, so I would rather err on the side of caution.

But I also don't understand why posters don't believe me when I say that we have had all the tests and assessments done!

I live in a first world country that is renowned for its healthcare! There are specialists that people come here to see in many different areas of medicine. I'm not sure why anyone would think that I would lie about anything!

I am actually not dismissive. As I previously mentioned, I'm more using this as a place to vent.

I would highly surprised that a diagnosis, of which she knows nothing, and is more recent, has anything to do with her behaviour. The time isn't right for her, or any of her siblings, to know about my health problems. It's not fair to burden them with my troubles.

I don't "identify" with that poster, rather she has been my DD to some extent.

The difficulties I have with reconciling how my DD is, is that I've seen her change in an instant. She is like lightening! She can appear really withdrawn one minute and then be fine the next.

I didn't call her because I knew she was safe. If it had been one of her brothers, I wouldn't have called them either! And I haven't done so. But they always kept me updated with texts/phone calls etc., whereas she doesn't, so to me, that means that she would prefer to left to get on with whatever she's doing.

As for getting her a diagnosis. It seems to me, that rather than continually looking for some magical, hitherto unknown to mankind, diagnosis for something/anything, my time is better spent on practical measures. I have sought out second opinions, and unfortunately, she still isn't on any MH spectrum. The only testing that has given her a diagnosis is the DASS. And that's for anxiety. Apparently there is no depression.

Generally, I don't understand about pigeon-holing people with labels. Perhaps there is no label and what my DD herself has said in the past is true. She doesn't want to do these things. Not wanting to keep things clean and tidy isn't new. Not putting dirty clothes in the laundry hamper isn't new. These things go back to when she was a toddler. Wearing makeup goes back to getting her first Barbie head, the one where you put the makeup on it and do the hair up.

The only thing that's really new is the school refusing which started in mid-2020, when she chose to stay home and started to not bother with school work. I have often wondered if that was because she fell so far behind, that she couldn't see a way forward. When she did want to go back to school, 2 years later, she was told that she would have repeat the penultimate school year to catch up. She didn't want to do that, unsurprisingly. I got her enrolled in a college course but she didn't want to do that, preferring instead to hang out with friends, either online or in person.

So, you might think I'm the worst parent imaginable, but I do take her out for lunches, and coffees, and shopping. I try to spend as much time as I can with her. I go to her room and help her to organise it and clean it. And I completely understand her when she says she can't see the point in cleaning as it just needs doing again! I've tried explaining that if she spent 10 mins per day tidying her room, it would always be neat and tidy. But she will say she forgot, or her streamer was online, or she was chatting to friends, or reading a book, doing a jigsaw, etc., etc.

Ultimately, she's 18 years old. She's not a tiny little child anymore where I can negotiate a reward system with stars for doing chores. And to some extent, I understand that I cannot force my values onto her. And I shouldn't do that, as she will live her life as she sees fit. I can only guide and listen, which is what I do. But I also need to be able to vent, but perhaps this isn't the right place for a parent who just wants to be able to vent and be supported.

You weren't just posting an opinion though, were you?

You were desperate to offer a diagnosis based on your family and your DD.

We are lucky to live in a first world country with a healthcare system that is top notch. People come to our country for treatment from other first world countries.

Yes, you may well have lots of experience as a schoolteacher, but ultimately, you don't know my background, which isn't in teaching, but actually in medicine. That's why I put my faith in fellow practitioners. I've done my research into who's done what, before even seeking a referral. I've looked at studies, because I have a library of years of medical research and education at my fingertips. So, when different specialists do their assessments, I know how robustly these assessments have been tested, I know about any shortcomings and I know what you have pointed out, that ND girls present differently to boys. And I've said such to different specialists.

It was very late (here) when I was posting and I acknowledge I was somewhat rude to you, for which I apologise. But it's a dangerous road to take when you constantly try to persuade someone to agree with what you're saying. That then crosses the line between being helpful and supportive and actually diagnosing someone. And that's not helpful or supportive. Hence I said to you, what are your medical qualifications. You don't have any. You haven't undertaken research, or any trials, and you only have anecdotal evidence to fall back on.

I hope you can see that what I've written here, isn't dismissive of your journey or experiences but rather, whilst I can appreciate your story, it isn't necessarily the same as mine. People are individuals, no two are the same! The robust testing and assessments that are undertaken for ND, or indeed any medical condition, may as well be thrown away if we just diagnose based on other people's experiences. What is the point in have medical specialists, if we are just going to disbelieve or dismiss what they say, because someone's personal experiences hold more value to us?

This actually has worked in the past. I taught her how to make a lot of traditional Japanese dishes which she really liked!

This is also why I wonder about weaponised incompetence, because things that I know she can do, like making coffee for instance, she will do so diabolically, that I wonder if she's done it deliberately so that she won't be asked again! And I know she hasn't had a stroke so I don't understand where this stems from, apart from the fact that she will often say that she can't be bothered to do something, and when being told to do it, she does it really badly!

It can be very tricky to work out what’s going on with teenagers, and the disruption and stress caused by the pandemic hasn’t helped at all.

I do think the lack of toothbrushing and showering sticks out like a sore thumb as an indication that there is perhaps something more to this than a teenager being a teenager and using “mental health”/anxiety/whatever as an excuse not to do the things she would rather not do. The usual reasons for this would be depression or neurodiversity (and I know you said neither of these are felt to be the case with her).

Slightly odd that she still bothers with the makeup though maybe. Although I have seen extremely mentally unwell teens still bother with false eyelashes and acrylic nails and hair extensions etc. and in many ways I think some teens put more not less makeup on until a very late stage of things indeed. So I guess as it’s a teen and not an older adult I would ignore the make-up side of things but pay attention to the lack of personal hygiene. Crumpled clothes etc can just be from a teen who is generally messy and doesn’t particularly pay attention to those sort of details but if she would previously brush her teeth and shower regularly it suggests something has changed.

If it wasn’t for that I would very much be thinking that yes you need to do as your GP suggests and don’t make her life too comfy or easy at home until she decides work or education is easier. The fact that your GP has suggested that makes me think that your GP also thinks this is a teenager problem rather than a mental health problem per se. But the hygiene issue gives me some pause for thought. I don’t envy you OP.

Thank you. I should have made it clear that once she was old enough to be responsible for her own showering and toothbrushing (as in, I wasn't nagging her to take a shower or brush her teeth, and she was too old for me to bathe her), that was when the showering and toothbrushing went out of the window! So pre-teens maybe?

For some reason, clothes hygiene and personal hygiene have never been high on her agenda. She doesn't smell per se as she will use wipes for her face/armpits but she is quite happy to have a weekly shower and the dentist is quite unhappy with her lack of dental hygiene.

Perhaps it's because as she says, these are societal standards and why waste time doing something that you'll have to do again and again 🤔

@VORE Your post is brilliant! As a former 'problem child' myself, I heartily agree!

Honestly it does sound like she might have ADHD and/or high functioning ASD. She sounds a lot like my DD in some ways like not taking care of herself, low/no initiative, etc. Along those lines it sounds like she has low self esteem because she's not doing well in life at the moment. I know everyone on MN is so quick to diagnose and I'm not doing that, it genuinely sounds like my DD's issues. It can be so hard to diagnose young females because all the research that goes into diagnostic criteria is done on males. Females present quite differently and often it comes across as laziness. Obviously your DD has some typical teenage stuff going on too, and you're right to hold her to a standard. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. But do try to open your mind to possibilities- it would be better to figure out her issues now rather than her suffering as adult later on. It might not be in her best interest to be too hard on her as her GP suggests, it could be making things worse. Could she see a different doctor? It might make a world of difference to take some real actual assessments while you are also providing lots of structure at home. I've been taking this approach with my DD and as she gets older she tries harder. Just getting her teeth brushed has been a long battle I thought we'd never win. I've tried everything from doing it myself to buying all kinds of fancy toothbrushes and mouthwash, etc. and only very recently has she started to show some signs of progress. A big part of it has been to find a toothpaste flavor she can tolerate. She uses children's toothpaste and mouthwash. Such a simple thing but it made a big difference. I still have to remind her to do every little thing day after day after day after day! I know how exhausting it is. She can spend an hour doing her makeup perfectly but she doesn't think to brush her teeth or wash her face. She'll spend another hour putting together a very fashionable outfit but her clothes will be very obviously dirty, and hasn't bothered to shower or put deodorant on so stinky as well. She was just recently officially diagnosed and about to start on meds so I'm really hoping it helps. Her GP has arranged for various therapies as well. And I've actually done the opposite of you and I do buy her special things to help encourage her to take care of herself better, like scented lotions, nail stuff, perfume, shimmery facial spray and other facial stuff, etc. I put extra effort in finding things she'll enjoy because she's more likely to use them. Sometimes I go in her room and all the nice things I bought are on the floor or spilled, etc. It's upsetting but I try to be gentle and remind her how to keep things organized. Sorry for the long ramble, I only hope to encourage by sharing my experience. I've lost my patience plenty and was very lost for years and only recently have started to see progress. I forgot to add that we've been using online tools for her education for a few years now and that's met her needs much better, as it's more suited to her strengths and weaknesses than traditional school. We've been using Outschool for the past year, and we're lucky to have funding for it through our state (we're in the US). Maybe there's resources for homeschooling where you live? At least your DD has friends, that's a positive. Maybe try spending some 1-on-1 time with her or take her and a friend out for lunch or go to a park. That kind of interaction will foster a better relationship. A lot of times acting out is just asking to be seen or heard. Especially with the eating disorder stuff and trying to get diagnosed, those are definitely cries for help. There's something going on that she needs you to see. I know it's doubly hard when they are teens. I actually went to a therapist myself to seek insight on teen development. I learned so much. Their brains are still undeveloped, they process things differently, and they just see reality in a much different way. You can't reason with it, you have to adjust to it. Just like the toddler years! Teens and toddlers have so much in common. Then you add mental health or neurological issues into it...my only saving grace has been seeking medical help. Hopefully you can find the resources you need. Finding her someone to be a mentor could help too. It really does take a village sometimes!

Keep trying, mine does this too. It's taken some time and I've had to show her many times but it's getting better. My DD has been watching recipe videos on Youtube and following along. It was horrible at first because she has no concept of how to clean as you go, and the kitchen was destroyed. It was bad. But it's slowly gotten better and her cooking skills have too. I won't let her leave the room until it's actually clean. I completely understand the thought of weaponized incompetence, I wondered for years if it was intentional or truly unintentional. Just today she told me she finished the laundry for me, but I found it stacked up in a big damp pile on a shelf. It was mind boggling. She really thought the machine wringing it out meant it was dry. I even reminded her how to do it when she said she wanted to do it for me. I had to rewash it all because it got smelly. She really did think she did the right thing. I have to teach every task in tiny baby steps, very slowly one thing at a time because if a task takes more than one step and explained all at once, it gets lost in her head. This was one of the markers of ADHD per her assessment. I'm not saying my experience is your experience, just offering a possible explanation.

@junbean

Over the past 3.5 years, DD has seen many different specialists, to be assessed for many different things. The only diagnosis has been anxiety.

Hygiene has been an issue since she was too old for me to bathe her, and has been a battle ever since. I decided not to make it my hill to die on. I have, and still do, buy her special bath bombs, shower gels, serums, washes etc., for her bathroom, in a bid to try to get her to shower more regularly, although I suppose that one could argue that weekly is regular. She certainly does.

Clothing and laundry have been an issue since she was very little. She doesn’t put her clothes in the laundry hamper, so we went shopping together and she chose a basket for her bedroom, which she doesn’t use. I can’t sneak in her room like I used to and pick up her dirty clothes and wash them, because she pulls regular all nighters online and I have no idea any more as to what’s clean and what’s dirty as even when I do take it upon myself (about once per month), to just pick up all visibly dirty clothes and launder them, she will take them to her room and drop them on her floor. Apparently there’s no point in putting them away because she will only need to get them out to wear them anyway!

I think that maybe my posts are coming across as if I’ve disengaged from her - nothing is further from the truth. We have regular “girls” days out, and “girls” nights in, where we do things that she wants to do. She sets the pace and the agenda for activities.

Since she doesn’t work and therefore has no income, I give her money, or buy her anything that she requests. Even stuff she doesn’t request, that I see and think she will like.

She has had many offers for mentors, her principal was her loudest advocate and changed how things were done in the school to be more inclusive because DD felt that girls weren’t being heard in the educational space. DD has a strong sense of social justice and women’s rights and is aware of the issues faced by women, especially those that are underrepresented in STEM and other environments.

I just find it heartbreaking that she isn’t interested in working, volunteering or education. She wants to pretty much be left alone to do what she wants to do, and doesn’t like to do jobs in the house, which she says are boring.

DD is also aware of how much DH and I value education, hard work and helping others who are less fortunate but she doesn’t share all those values and as an adult, that’s fine too. I can’t , and shouldn’t, force my values on her, but I do require her to respect the space that we have worked hard for, and keep her bathroom and bedroom clean and tidy.

Unfortunately, during Covid, it was a very busy time for those in healthcare and medicine and I couldn’t take time off to homeschool her, nor did I realise how far behind she had fallen, as both DH and I were working long hours and overtime, as the health service was so overwhelmed. We both spent as much time as we could with the kids and we tried to juggle things between us. Unbeknownst to us both, her friends were pretty much doing the same as her - all nighters online, sleeping during the day. The stupid thing is, I used to check in on the kids before I would go to bed, and the lights were off and the rooms were quiet! They clearly knew my schedule as some nights I wasn’t home before 11pm and then I would be back at work at 7am. Once I knew how badly she had fallen behind and then with the refusal to want to attend school (which was wrapped up with being so far behind and not wanting to repeat years), we then got on the merry go round which the education department decided was the “process”, which was counselling, CAHMS, specialists and so forth. Which I think possibly made her worse, especially when she started coming up with symptoms for things that might be wrong with her. Some of the therapists she saw really played in to that, and more referrals to more specialists were then sent. The other thing that might have also made things worse was that I have a strong belief in medicine. My mindset is that once you have a diagnosis, things can be healed. However, other than anxiety, she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything, so we stay on the hamster wheel of her refusal to do anything without being nagged into it, because she would rather chat to friends, game online, or watch shows with shared screens so she is in her room, watching the same thing as her friends, who are all in their bedrooms! Possibly all normal for this generation of teens, and since she has 3 different friendship groups, I’m honestly not sure if this is a normal situation or if they all have the same problem, whatever that may be. The parents of her friends all appear to be laidback than DH and I, as they don’t seem to mind this crazy way that their teens are behaving, so maybe the problem is with us, and we should be more accepting of her just doing her “thing”! Although I wonder, if like DH and I, they just don’t want to verbalise to anyone how out of hand things have really got. Even my dad, who was a real hardarse when I was growing up, says that I should “relax and let her have fun”. What fun? Her room’s a mess and dirty, her clothes are just strewn all over, ditto make up, her bathroom is currently being rented by the military for swamp manoeuvres and her personal hygiene leaves much to be desired. Surely this isn’t fun? But then, the flip side is, she has no responsibility, she gets up when she likes, goes to bed when she likes, goes out regularly on jaunts with her friends, gets everything paid for and when asked to do anything in the house, says she feeling anxious and needs to lie down, which when I check on her, she’s on t(e phone with her friends, whilst watching streamers online. Which may indeed be her protective factor. Or not.

But I have anxiety because of the way her room is, the mould problem, which I keep going in there to check for, which she hates, saying that there’s no mould, but well, she didn’t really realise there was mould there before! And it really does stress me out. I don’t want my house like this. DH and I don’t even like to go out for the day, or the evening, because I find it too stressful as I don’t know if the cats will be fed, or the dishwasher loaded, or whether she will have cooked herself something and the kitchen’s a mess, or got a takeaway and left it all over the dining table, because she literally seems to be incapable of putting things in the bin, or the dishwasher, or wiping the kitchen counters, without me or her dad standing over her and telling her what to do. She will say she didn’t notice. How can you not notice that you haven’t put your dishes in the dishwasher, or your takeaway wrappers in the bin? There’s nothing to notice. It’s the mess you’ve literally just made. When we do go out, I will be phoning to remind her to do things, and DH hates it, because he says I spend more time on the phone to her, then I do talking to him. Because I get anxious about how the house will be. And then having to spend time cleaning up. So I may as well stay home.

Have you thought about getting your own anxiety treated @AIBUmum2023 ?

@AIBUmum2023

I see! Maybe pp who related to her teenage self is closer to the issue. And you definitely don't sound disengaged. I think you are doing a really good job and thought so after your first post. The fact you're asking for input/help shows what a great mother you are. As you explained you've tried everything. No matter the root cause you're exhausted. You might have more anxiety than your DD at this point. You're taking it all on yourself. Could her dad take a more active role? It sounds like your DD is safe, relatively healthy, and will do bare minimum if nagged. Could her dad do more of enforcing rules, etc. so you can take a mental health break? Maybe YOU are the one who needs a long soak with fancy bath bombs and some lazing around. Burnout is real. It's hard to come back from too. Constant stress is so damaging. Is your DH feeling the same or can he step up more, at least to give you a break before you actually break?

This thread is astounding. People forcing OP to believe that her daughter has all sorts of mental health issues when she just lacks discipline. These people are raising a generation of bedwetters. Their poor kids will grow up to find a world in which they will get steam rollered.

“DH and I don’t even like to go out for the day, or the evening, because I find it too stressful as I don’t know if the cats will be fed, or the dishwasher loaded, or whether she will have cooked herself something and the kitchen’s a mess, or got a takeaway and left it all over the dining table, because she literally seems to be incapable of putting things in the bin, or the dishwasher, or wiping the kitchen counters, without me or her dad standing over her and telling her what to do. She will say she didn’t notice. How can you not notice that you haven’t put your dishes in the dishwasher, or your takeaway wrappers in the bin? There’s nothing to notice. It’s the mess you’ve literally just made. When we do go out, I will be phoning to remind her to do things, and DH hates it, because he says I spend more time on the phone to her, then I do talking to him. Because I get anxious about how the house will be. And then having to spend time cleaning up. So I may as well stay home.”

Maybe you could seek some professional psychotherapeutic help for yourself to work through these feelings of being out of control, the high anxiety and the resulting dysfunctional behavioural adaptations?

Have you had any emotional support to deal with being blindsided by the diagnosis of a life limiting condition and disability?

It also seems that professionally as a HCP working though COVID has likely left you understandably with some emotional disruption. You have a lot on your plate.

@junbean 100% - great post.

I hesitate to suggest anything else diagnostically, but it might be worth looking up pathological demand avoidance and see if it seems to fit with her behaviour. Most kids whinge and try to get out of things, but spending hours in the toilet to avoid chores is fairly unusual. The other thought that occured to me was maybe something truamatic happened at school or out with a friend, at some place you weren't. It sounded like a fairly sudden change, but reading subsequent posts maybe it was an escalation of existing issues. Please ignore anything unhelpful.

I thought you were going to say she was 10 op not practically an adult. If course she should be doing Housework, anxiety or no anxiety. My 11 year old with anxiety does.

Agree with @Gloriously re seeking some support around diagnosis, daughter, behavioural adaptations to anxiety.

I know that you said that your DC do not know the facts, extent and implications of your diagnosis because you haven’t yet told them everything - but they will have somatically absorbed the emotional shock and trauma that you and your DH are carrying implicitly - they will consciously and unconsciously internalise this stress and be left confused, unsettled and scared.

What an arsehole comment.

I'm sad on reading your OP. Seems as though society and education are completely failing kids. How can we have got it so bloody wrong (and I'm certainly not criticising you OP. I'd be at my wits' end too). A huge group of young people have grown up never having to tackle and succeed at anything, never learning to try,never learning to fail, never learning to take criticism, with every negative feeling they have medicalised by the internet, with every daft notion they have validated. They can't cope with anything.

What a situation…I really feel for you.

She has not been diagnosed with anything so I am not sure that narratives around neurodiversity, mental health issues or anxiety are doing her any favours.

Her main problem seems to be an addiction to the online world.

I would unplug your router and cancel the internet for the foreseeable future. Drastic, but I think it is warranted. If someone works from your home they can rent a workspace.

Forget mould, dirt or untidiness, the overwhelming issue is that she is not in any education or training and has no plans to do so. The main priority must be for her to find a re-entry point. This must also be your priority. Otherwise her long term future looks pretty bleak indeed. At present she is a sweet, vulnerable young girl with a pattern of school refusal - in a few years time she will be a long term unemployed woman with ingrained habits of loafing around.

I’m guessing that you don’t live in a welfare state? Does she realise that she can only excuse herself from the world because her own mother is out working all hours in healthcare?

Can you speak to her previous headteacher?
Is there any special provision in your area?
Would you consider a boarding school or residential college, if it offered her a route back into education? I wouldn’t usually suggest this but it might be helpful in your daughter’s case.
What about an educational assessment?

regardless of what diagnosis she may or may not have - whether it be ND or ADHD I think we are all now so obsessed with these as ‘excuses’ for certain behaviours or letting people/teenagers do whatever they want but we are failing them because we are not teaching them how to be functioning human beings. If she does have any of these issues she needs to be taught how to function as a human being not just given carry Blanche to do whatever she wants because she is ND or whatever.

We know for a fact that these things will make any anxiety, depression of MH issue worse:

• having no structure in your day
• feeling like you have no purpose in life
• staying up all night
• staying up all night looking at screens and social media
• social media in general
• not taking care of yourself/no self care

OP has said that her daughter does all of the above - so I am not surprised she has ‘anxiety’ and no motivation to partake in life or look after herself.

Any therapists or MH professional will quickly tell you that one of the first steps to feeling better is to rectify all of the above.

Actually you don’t even need to see a MH professional to be told this - a quick google search will tell you.

It actually surprises me OP that if your daughter claims to have all of these anxiety issues and yet is actively doing things that WE ALL KNOW make her anxiety way worse - especially staying up all night on social media (which is what twitch effectively is). As someone with severe anxiety and OCD and how terrible this can make you feel, it does not sound like your daughter is willing to be an active participant in any sort of healing. It actually sounds like she is using this as her ‘get out of jail free’ card as she does not seem to be taking any active steps to get better apart from taking medications and getting further diagnosis’s.

Whilst at university I was staying up all night either partying or staring at a screen until 5am that surprise surprise my anxiety went through the roof and I started having panic attacks but I didn’t sit there telling everyone how awful I felt and how I couldn’t do anything but then continue to repeat the behaviour. I put myself on a strict bedtime routine and schedule, made myself get up in the morning, stopped the partying and went to the library every day to study instead and guess what… the anxiety and panic attacks went away again. When you truly suffer with these things to the point it is crippling, stopping you from performing even simple tasks and taking over your life, you don’t keep repeating behaviours that you know will make it worse, you do everything in your power to try and make it better because the alternative is just so awful.

The internet and social media especially is a vacuum, the more stuff you watch the more the algorithms will show you that content and validate your experience. Your daughter has a world full of people that will validate her self righteous feelings and entitlement and keep telling her she doesn’t have to be a functioning part of society because she has all these ‘issues’ - but this is a luxury because she has you and your husband to look after her,

How would she cope if you both died and there was no inheritance or support? Would her MH issues be so crippling then? Would she have all the ‘freedom’ to say she does not have to comply with societal standards when it was a choice between standing on her high horse or feeding/housing herself?

Take away the screens after 6pm. Stop letting her sit on social media. Make her be an active participant in the house and life. Give her a purpose. Get her outside. Get her to move her body.

I would also really recommend the book Hunt, Gather, Parent (although aimed at younger children) it’s all about getting your children to see themselves as part of the household team and I think that’s what your daughter needs right now.

I am having psychotherapy currently and have been on medications, which I am religious about taking every day, but right now, I just constantly feel overwhelmed by everything. And I don't feel like I can keep burdening DH as I know he's worried about my health and how things will be. I sometimes wish I could run away and hide under the blankets! I just want to know that DD will be living her best life when I'm not around anymore.