To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

I do see now of course her intentions were good she was worried and wanted to protect me, but she should have admitted what she was doing when I caught her, not lied.

I thought the new child sims let you have a carbon copy of everything that goes on on their phones? Alerts for flagged words etc. So, no, OP, yanbu for checking.

When we happened to look at my step daughters phone, we saw how badly she was bullying her friends. Awful.

10000% its ok! Nobody wants to do it or enjoys invading privacy, but if you made it clear that was the deal prior, tbh even if you didnt its your prerogative as a good parent if you feel you have reason to, then you absolutely should. My daughter is year 7 aged 11 and I do the same thing, but not without reason, if her attitude stinks or she starts being disrespectful and rude I like to find out if shes hanging around with kids that are influencing or if shes a ring leader, whatsapp groups i like to check for bullying as she tells me about certain kids at school people dont like or teachers, i went to see shes not part of the problem, shes also had a history of dramatising things about her life and attention seeking, so i like to reign that in, she has never protested, i dont sneakily do it either i ask her to give me her phone and she does without question, we have a fantastic relationship but i want her to still know Mums watching and making sure youre a good human. Dont doubt your gut. Ever.

Our condition for the kids having a phone was that they gave us the password and added both of us a friends on any social media platform they joined.
My son is autistic (and an A-Z of other stuff) so mobiles are a Godsend, and keeping an eye is vital for his safety, and we still do even though he's 23!
My daughter has always been very transparent so we know if something is troubling her, and we did check her phone periodically at least for the first few years. She never had any problem with us doing that. She's 20 now and I can't remember the last time I knew her password - probably mid-teens - but I suspect my wife still does.

I stopped checking at about 15 - intervals between checks gradually getting longer and longer until they stopped altogether. 13, absolutely I was still checking.

As a dad I do the exact same thing.
We do what we can to protect our children as no one else will.
Mine have an app so I can see whats being downloaded on to their phones etc it's called family link it's really good.
It also acts as a tracker so you can see where their phones are also if I don't agree with an app I can block it.
Mine don't have Facebook, ticktock or anything like that as I don't agree with them and they are fine with that.
I'm always telling my children about Internet safety etc so they are always aware.
There is nothing wrong with doing your best to look after your children no matter what they will always be your babies.
It's our job

With all that goes on now on social media and kids being bullied or acting inappropriately online I think its a good thing youre checking occasionally. It might seem an invasion of privacy but shes 13 and your 1st priority has to be her safety. Im a foster carer and we actively pushed to check phones of younger kids as part of safeguarding duty, children are vulnerable and its easy to dismiss the responsibility we have as parents/carers esp when the child kicks off but imo youre doing what we all should do. The stories Ive heard about what goes on with phones sometimes, would knock you sick so well done on standing firm and keeping her safe.

This 100% 👏

Knowing what my school was like back in the dim and distant 90s, I would have said 13 is exactly the age you should be checking. 13 year olds can be vile and are very stupid but think they're brilliantly clever. They have no experience or common sense. They are still children.

I have/had the same rule with my kids (DS11 and DD16) I only stop/ped reading their messages when their behaviour at home and school is exactly how I want it. So if they're doing all their work, achieving well and being polite at home, I'm confident there's nothing bad going on online. If anything drops, I'd go back to reading their messages. I stopped with DD when she was about 15, but would go back to doing it in a heartbeat if I had concerns.

I also have/had a no Snapchat or tiktok rule. DD at 16 has just got Snapchat since starting college, prior to that I'd banned it. She did have insta when she was younger but I checked that too.

They will delete what they don't want you to see

Yanbu but they use snapchat not WhatsApp. Dd2 tells everyone we check her phone. I don’t allow her into these ridiculous large group chats either. I also remove Snapchat fairly frequently and talk to her a lot about it. Snapchat is a much bigger issue than WhatsApp, you don’t need someone’s number and messages disappear.

Dd1 has hardly any contacts, she doesn’t see the point in messaging people she isn’t friends with. It causes a lot less problems that way.

If she knows they’ll be spot checks and that it’s a condition of the phone I think it’s ok at 13 as it’s when a lot of friendship issues arise. If you don’t see much or she’s not having issues you’ll need to stop it soon as she matures. Also give her the tools for being safe on SM etc.

I agree they can just delete stuff but you will know from their behaviour whether anything is off or not.

DDs phone has been confiscated on a few of occasions when I knew something was going on but couldn't find anything on the phone to show it. Or she'd delete messages she'd sent/someone else had sent and I could tell from the convo either side of the deleted messages that all was not well. Also when she downloaded banned apps, I confiscated it too.

Yes they probably will, but that itself shows that they are thinking about the rights and wrongs of it.

As a teacher PLEASE monitor phones! All suspensions and exclusions this year so far have been in families that don’t. They also have free rein with the internet. They are children! Definitely monitor and let them know you will be monitoring up until GCSE. The consequences of not doing can be horrific.

I think you need to start a new thread.

If this is genuine, you need to go to the doctors or hospital to get him checked!! And in future you need to start a 'new post' with your own separate topic.

@Zamirajaupaj my above post was meant to for you

It sounds like lazy parenting, but I really struggle with monitoring the phone. How often should we do it? What should the routine be?

I get home from work at 6pm, then it's cook tea, oversea homework, tidy up, clean, dishwasher, washing machine, run youngest's bath, oversea bath routine, reading school book...by the time he nods off at 9.30pm (I have to lie with him) I find I've fallen asleep completely shattered, without having cleaned my own teeth and face. I'm in no shape to be adding yet another task to my list at that time of night. I'm done.

I'm sure that reads as being a completely pathetic parent, but I'm just being totally honest. When are people fitting everything into their routine? I know how important this is, but everything else is important too. I'm so burnt out.

I think people are being a bit naive about it being an invasion of privacy. Ask anyone who works in schools, 13 is the peak age that children, and unfortunately particularly girls, get themselves into trouble with their phones. They can get carried away with horrible texts and start thinking they're older than they are. Just the knowledge that you might be sporadically checking their phone could be enough to make them think before they send anything. 13 is still a child and it is their parents jobs to make sure they're staying safe on phones/online.

As someone who works in a secondary school, please continue to check your child’s phone.
You would be horrified by the number of students who (despite all the education and cybersafety sessions) send naked pics of themselves that then get passed around the year level, bullying, chatting with randoms and arranging to meet at nearby parks, etc.

They are children… they need guidance and supervision and constant communication about how to use phones/apps appropriately.