To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

Honestly some of these replies are totally bonkers.

I am a Pastoral Head at a Secondary school...in recent years almost everything I do is connected to their phones. I can't understand why you wouldn't supervise any child with a phone/device under the age of about 16.

You think you know they are old enough to be responsible. They are not. You think they are old enough to make the right decisions. They are not. You think they are prepared for online interactions. They are not. You think that they are only going to message their trusted friends and receive from trusted friends. They are not. You think you know them - you really don't when it comes to their social interactions, their confused and undeveloped teenage minds. And most of all, it isn't just them that you have to worry about them - it is the billions of other people online who have access to them and everything they post, no matter how private you think it is.

Just today I dealt with a 12 year old whose parents let her online unsupervised. She posts frequently on TikTok - she was sent back her own video that had been manipulated into her having sex with a much much older man. The same man had sent her a graphic message about 'bending her over and smashing her from behind', and warning her that if she didn't meet him, the video would be posted online. 12 years old. Then there was the 14 year old (straight A student, year level leader) who posted a video of herself masturbating so violently that she pled everywhere. It circulated to the whole community - she and her family had to leave the area. Never in a million years did these parents think that would happen. The bullying is unbelievable. Kids are told to kill themselves on a daily basis. These are by far not the worst stories and without fail, every-time, the parents tell us that they didn't want to invade the privacy of the kids. They didn't realise that they could be 'friends' with people they had never met, they didn't want to cause an argument etc etc. It is all bad, but Snapchat is truly terrifying. We had an FBI agent visit the school and talk to students, his stories were a whole other level.

However savvy you think your teen is - it is your duty to protect them, and thank everything that you didn't have to grow up in this crazy dangerous new world.

Keep doing it. She's a child still and you're paying gor the phone no doubt.

You would probably describe me in this.

When I did it I found a horrific WhatsApp group "chat" which was a pile on of my DD who had dared to challenge the group leader. He was demanding a "public apology in front of the whole group before anyone would consider talking to her again". It was the digits equivalent of watching crow's swooping in to take chunks out of road kill. All because she stood up to someone.

I didn't jump in and fix it for her but I copied the little shits nasty messages (pages and pages) asked her what she wanted me to do and at her request sat back and let her handle it. Which she did.

A few days later she came and gave me a big hug and told me how glad she was I'd had her back.

So I didn't interfere but I was privy to something she may have needed help with. My seeing and copying those messages meant I was ready to step in if need be.

@Tauvuella That's utterly terrifying!

Who pays for her phone? I would do the same OP. A 13 year old brain does not know how to keep itself safe. WhatsApp privacy is not a human right.

Well the only way I could communicate with friends was in the hallway telephone so it was the same thing really

People can say invasion of privacy etc and I see their point in a way but this isn’t a diary, it’s something that goes out to a group of people and that a group are involved in. I’m lucky that my son hates Snapchat and came off it but if he lived on WhatsApp I don’t know- like people said they don’t know what’s appropriate and downright dangerous, we’re all only learning really

I'm in my mid twenties, so social media was taking off when I was thirteen.

I'd have absolutely hated my parents checking my messages. It's not something my parents ever thought to do, or something I was aware of any of my friends' parents doing.

But then again, at age thirteen, myself and most of my friends and girls in my head were frequently receiving messages from older men seeking god knows what. Just random people who'd add us on MSN and Facebook, and we'd often reply tbh. A few girls struck up "friendships" with these men.

We'd also go on things like Omegle and chat roulette, which is bad enough in itself but we'd also let these random creeps from Omegle and chat roulette add us on fb etc. - this was just seen as something normal that we'd laugh about.

At age 13, it was also not totally unheard of to receive inappropriate messages from older boys (eg year 11s).

It's also totally awful in hindsight, but it seemed par for the course at the time. If my mum knew about any of it she'd have lost her mind, I'm sure. I've no idea if things are as grim online now for teens as it was 10-15 years ago, but this subject is something that fills me with anxiety for when my children reach the age that they want social media

I pay for it, I maintain the tuning costs and I'll check it as and hence I feel it's appropriate to- that's the deal with having it. She is welcome to not have a phone at all until she is financially responsible, but until the. She has one with my rules regarding it. This will stop when I decide it stops. I don't agree it's an invasion of her privacy, although I understand why others do. I believe it's my chance to keep her safe, and be able to discuss things she may not be able to work out herself. Social media is a menance. It's destroying the mental health if so many of our kids. I'll do anything I can, for as long as I can, to protect her.

I checked all devices every day until they finished GSCEs, then we had a daily 'chat' where we discussed the day and any issues where she would show me messages etc and we would discuss how to reply, what to do and how to handle things.
Just slightly controlling and invasive, a near adult needing you to tell her how to reply?
Being a parent is also allowing your child to make mistakes and decisions of their own not micro manage them.

But most people here are actually talking about monitoring their kids interactions with peers and friends,

Yes exactly.

Of course there's risk in the wider Internet world as mentioned in some of the posts.

But a far more universal challenge is what happens between friends & peers - the social pressure, especially on group chats, the image sharing, the plans for social meet-ups, which start innocently & can quickly build to something problematic at the hands of or two ringleaders, and many of the other kids are afraid to say no or not join in.

Parents monitoring this allow their DC to figure out, with their support, the best way to proceed ... it also provides an 'out' from more problematic conversations as they'll realise an adult is checking.

When I came across a problematic conversation on my DS' phone (he's 14), I told the other parents (I'd expect them to do the same for me). My DS was very upset initially at what the other boys would say to him; however I was clear why it was important. In the end, they actually got it. They weren't thrilled obviously but I think they respected the choice I made & they didn't take it out on my DS.

They can be eejits. But actually they get it a bit more than we think they do!

Things are considerably worse than they were 10-15 years ago

I have one DD starting high school next year and 1 DS at high school and the difference from when my older 3, all currently Uni age, we’re their age is scary

Coming from someone who has seen the sheer destruction that can be caused by not monitoring I agree with checking.

I'd agree somewhat here.

For a start, how teens use language & communicate is so different than us - there's just no way to advise them. Sometimes if they ask I will give them the gist of what I'd say & they can rewrite it in 'their' language.

I also think you can't be involved in every interaction. You can talk broadly about ways to approach matters but you've got to leave it to them at the end of the day.

My 13yo got into a very serious, very dangerous situation and I almost lost her because I was too busy with my newborn baby to keep up with her online messaging. At their age they think they are grown but they are anything but! They can make the worst decisions. Now we're back to normal and everything's okay but it was very scary for awhile there. I have volunteered with a missing children's org in the past and unmonitored internet usage is the #1 reason for kidnappings/grooming. I knew this very well and we still had a close call. You can't be too careful. It's about safety and learning how to interact online carefully. It's a process. It's not about privacy. She might be using other software as well, so stay in communication with her about it and just be respectful and thoughtful how you go about it so she's learning, not being controlled.

I’d be surprised if she’s using WhatsApp,

Jesus that's horrendous. Thank you for doing an incredibly hard job

You think you know they are old enough to be responsible. They are not. You think they are old enough to make the right decisions. They are not. You think they are prepared for online interactions. They are not. You think that they are only going to message their trusted friends and receive from trusted friends. They are not. You think you know them - you really don't when it comes to their social interactions, their confused and undeveloped teenage minds

Thank you for posting this.

I would also add: it's not just the wider internet world of strangers, tho this should be a concern.

It's the daft, unthinking stuff that friends can do or say among each other. For example, my 14 yo DS was agreeing to engage in stupid antisocial behaviour with a group of friends - it wasn't anything 'terrible', going around knocking on doors, running away - but there has been lots of issues with intimidating gangs, roaming around & damaging property. My DS couldn't see if he followed through with this plan, that while he might not be doing the other stuff, anyone seeing them would assume that they were (as well as it being annoying unacceptable behaviour in itself).

They need clear unambiguous reminders of what's ok & the potential for things to go wrong.

Think it's more important to take phones off them at night. I should have done that. They are addictive.

It's non-negotiable about phones at night in my house. My 16 yo doesn't have a screen limit any more (she's shown she can be responsible), my 14 yo phone shuts off at 930 & is left downstairs.

It's not more important than checking though.

The whole point is that it is not private. Anything written/sent on a mobile phone can be screenshotted and posted online anywhere.

I totally agree with @Tauvuella - ask any teacher in a secondary school the issues that mobile phones cause and you'll all be checking your childrens phones.

Its not about carefully reading through every text, its about checking chats briefly and looking for people you don't know, checking the photos.

We too have had children (usually girls) have to leave the school due to photos or videos they have sent being forwarded across the school.

We've had the police in more than once about groups of pupils (most around 14) who had 'dare' threads on their phones where they were taking turns to send more and more daring nude pictures of themselves.

Never once considering that once the photos are out there they can be posted and forwarded to anywhere or anyone.

Never once considering the implications that they are, in effect, sending indecent photos of children to each other.
We had a pupil almost die because of one of the tiktok 'challenges' that went horribly wrong.

You think that your child wouldn't do any of this. But they do.

My DD is only 7 but when she gets a phone, it will come with the same conditions. I will check it but I won’t ever mention anything that isn’t a big issue. Letting a child have free rein of an unchecked phone with the state of the world won’t be happening in my house.

I came on to say this. It will be Snapchat and those messages don’t always hang around!

Never once considering the implications that they are, in effect, sending indecent photos of children to each other.

The day your child is in trouble with the law, as a direct result of say for example; a WhatsApp with threats, bullying or forwarding inappropriate content, on a smartphone under 16, you- as their bill payer- should be jointly liable for any charges arising from the situation. It should apply no matter what device it’s sent from, but using smartphones as the obvious example. Perhaps then the penny might drop for some parents of how serious it can be, especially if there’s any charges that lead to a criminal record.

You are not being unreasonable.Children need protecting from the online world alot more than they are by many parents!
You would be being more unreasonable if you did it sneakily without her realising.My mum did that when I was 15/16 I caught her looking at my MSN messages on the family computer.She quickly closed the window and denied it but I checked the history and realised she had lied to me.I had a massive emotional meltdown they even called the doctor (I was a highly sensitive child!) I felt so betrayed.So honesty is best policy IMO.