Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my daughter because she's a cam girl?

76 replies

Mastmw7g · 06/11/2023 11:45

I've posted before, so I may BU for that reason alone.

We moved around the same time as my daughter finished university, and I rightly assumed she planned to live with us before this, so I offered to pay her rent for a year as long as she got a job. It's been over four months and she makes money by taking videos of herself and posting them online. She says there's no nudity, but it's been pointed out to me that this can mean tassels and a thong. She wants to move to us and intends to stay with us while looking for another rental in our area, and she wants us to pay for the rent on a new place.

What's new is that she wants to find someone to take her place in her current rental, and expects us to pay the rent there if she doesn't, even if she's living with us many miles away. This is too much. I'm already uncomfortable with all the assumptions of what I'll pay for while she's a cam girl instead of getting a proper job. I understand she's miserable and has a lot of conflict with her housemates because she has a dog that barks often and that there's many other reasons she wants to move that she hasn't shared. Only one housemate has a rental contract, so I appreciate that my daughter wants to do the right thing by her housemates. And I realize it's unfair that I would be more sympathetic if she had a proper job and wasn't making money in the manner she does. But enough is enough! I'm so tired.

OP posts:
Catza · 06/11/2023 11:54

You promised to cover her rent for a year so she is not "assuming" anything more than you already promised.
If she can legally exit the contract without being liable for the rest of the term's rent, then that's what she should do. Otherwise she should either sublet or move back in with her housemates.
You promised to cover rent for a year so you should stick to this promise (I am not sure why you did promise it as you say you assumed she will be moving in back with you).
I really don't see why you need to bring cam work into this. I don't see how her occupation is relevant here.

TheJubileePortrait · 06/11/2023 11:56

Catza · 06/11/2023 11:54

You promised to cover her rent for a year so she is not "assuming" anything more than you already promised.
If she can legally exit the contract without being liable for the rest of the term's rent, then that's what she should do. Otherwise she should either sublet or move back in with her housemates.
You promised to cover rent for a year so you should stick to this promise (I am not sure why you did promise it as you say you assumed she will be moving in back with you).
I really don't see why you need to bring cam work into this. I don't see how her occupation is relevant here.

Agreed.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 06/11/2023 11:57

You again! OMG just stop trying to use money to solve parenting problems with your adult daughter (and something to hold over her) and stop tattling on her to MN because you've run out of people IRL to character assassinate her to! WE ARE NOT YOUR FLYING MONKEYS!

NCgoingdry · 06/11/2023 12:08

SisterMichaelsHabit · 06/11/2023 11:57

You again! OMG just stop trying to use money to solve parenting problems with your adult daughter (and something to hold over her) and stop tattling on her to MN because you've run out of people IRL to character assassinate her to! WE ARE NOT YOUR FLYING MONKEYS!

Edited

Thank god someone said it! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Mrsttcno1 · 06/11/2023 12:11

YABU. Of course you are. She has got a job, she’s probably making more money doing this than she would be at a “proper” job (BTW, what the fuck is a proper job, surely paid work = a job!), you offered to support her financially.

I haven’t saw your other posts, but from this alone, you are being very unreasonable.

divinededacende · 06/11/2023 12:12

Am I understanding this right? Occupation issues aside; you agreed to pay your daughters rent for a year and, in this year, she wants to change properties (staying with you in the interim) and the main financial issue is that you might be covering the rent on both properties if she can't find someone to take over her current lease? On the surface, not unreasonable to be bothered by this as it has the potential to cost a lot more than you budgeted for.

It sounds like money isn't the issue though. It sounds like your main issue is really about her choice of job. At the end of the day, she's doing nothing illegal or even immoral by modern standards. You may not like it but she did meet your terms. It's very generous to offer to cover her rent for a year, no denying that, but if you're going to offer her support in life based on your moral judgement of her life choices, you're heading towards having a daughter who either resents you or pulls away completely.

Kayte198999 · 06/11/2023 12:13

Is this the same daughter who was taking photos or videos outside on your lawn one evening?
You agreed to pay her rent for a year, it's not really fair to go back on your word now, she is technically working. Would you go back on the deal if she did another job that was legal but you found immoral – working for a political party or as a bailiff, for example?
When you say you assumed she planned to live with you so you offered to pay her rent for a year, did you make this deal just so she wouldn't be living with you? I think there are bigger issues here

Kayte198999 · 06/11/2023 12:15

Also "she says there's no nudity, but it's been pointed out to me that this can mean tassels and a thong."

Yes, that is not nude. Pointed out by who?

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 06/11/2023 12:15

She's assuming I'll pay for the rent even if she's not living there. I never promised to do that.

She doesn't have a contract. Only one housemate does. She did have my daughter sign something, but it's not a proper subletting. There's not a term listed or even an amount that will be paid.

I did not assume she would relocate to where I moved and live with me here. I assumed she wanted to live with us before I moved, making the move unfair to her unless I offered to pay rent.

I think it's relevant to me because I would have more sympathy for the situation if I felt like she had upheld her end of the bargain and gotten a proper job.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 06/11/2023 12:15

What has her job got to do with it? She’s earning and working. It’s very controlling to put conditions on money you have already promised her. Give her what you said you would!

Resilience · 06/11/2023 12:19

I think you're conflating two entirely separate issues. If you don't like your DD going cam work, that's one thing. (I wouldn't either - not because Im judging but because it's a much riskier activity than many people think and I'd be concerned about her well-being because she's my daughter and I love her). The agreement you made about rent is completely independent of that.

I'd have DD live with me, pay the rent as agreed and support her to explore her feelings about working in cam work so she can make a fully informed decision with a safety net.

labmum567 · 06/11/2023 12:20

Pretty sure you have posted this three or four times now. Practically word for word each time. What do you want people to say that they haven't said on the other threads

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 06/11/2023 12:21

@Purplecatshopaholic I never said I would pay for a rental she's not even living in.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 06/11/2023 12:22

has She really met the conditions of your year of rent offer?

I personally would not classify doing cam work as a job. Not only because it can be the equivalent of someone recording themselves playing video games and saying they are a content creator. It can be something someone takes seriously, but it can also be an excuse to do next to nothing. There is also the problem that any kind of online content creation is actually hard to break into and make real money.

it is also not possible to buy consent.

so on the in hand, I would be inclined to cut her off financially. However, there is clearly something going on with your young daughter and I would prioritize helping her get her life back on track. Maybe a change of seen and an agreement to see a therapist plus to get a job with agreed parameters could be made.

Ace56 · 06/11/2023 12:23

Why not just tell her you won’t pay the rent if she’s not living there? Just say that wasn’t part of the agreement.

She either moves home and dumps her other housemates in it, pays the rent in the current place herself or sucks it up and just lives there for another few months.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 06/11/2023 12:24

@labmum567 I didn't not find out she expected me to pay the rent on her current rental even after moving in with me until yesterday, so I certainly never posted that.

OP posts:
AuContraire · 06/11/2023 12:26

I knew the "Sex Work Is Work" people would be right on this thread, and lo.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 06/11/2023 12:29

Ace56 · 06/11/2023 12:23

Why not just tell her you won’t pay the rent if she’s not living there? Just say that wasn’t part of the agreement.

She either moves home and dumps her other housemates in it, pays the rent in the current place herself or sucks it up and just lives there for another few months.

This was a much better way of laying out the choices. Thank you.

OP posts:
NutellaNut · 06/11/2023 12:29

What she does for a job is irrelevant. If she wants you to carry on paying rent while living she’s elsewhere, that’s not ok. She needs to find a new person to take over her rental and then she can move out. (She can try placing an advert on Spare Room ) Once she finds a new rental you should carry on paying the rent as you promised. It’s not fair for her to expect you to pay for an empty room she’s not living in.

Devilsmommy · 06/11/2023 12:29

I'd tell her that you're still willing to pay her rent for a year but only on a flat she's actually living in. It's cheeky fuckery to expect you to pay rents on two properties

Acornsoup · 06/11/2023 12:32

SisterMichaelsHabit · 06/11/2023 11:57

You again! OMG just stop trying to use money to solve parenting problems with your adult daughter (and something to hold over her) and stop tattling on her to MN because you've run out of people IRL to character assassinate her to! WE ARE NOT YOUR FLYING MONKEYS!

Edited

Yes thus. It's non of your business what she does. Pay the rent or don't but stop trying to manipulate.

Pezdeoro41 · 06/11/2023 12:32

Catza · 06/11/2023 11:54

You promised to cover her rent for a year so she is not "assuming" anything more than you already promised.
If she can legally exit the contract without being liable for the rest of the term's rent, then that's what she should do. Otherwise she should either sublet or move back in with her housemates.
You promised to cover rent for a year so you should stick to this promise (I am not sure why you did promise it as you say you assumed she will be moving in back with you).
I really don't see why you need to bring cam work into this. I don't see how her occupation is relevant here.

From my understanding of the OP the daughter is now asking more than this, she is asking for her parents to cover rent on a new place AND the rent for the remaining contract of the place she’s moving out of if she can’t find someone to take her place.

That’s not reasonable. She needs to deal with her obligations at her current house share if she can’t find a replacement tenant.

However - is she being asked to leave the house share OP? I remember your previous thread, obviously she has conflict with the other housemates but are they actually requesting she move out? If they are, then they should be responsible for finding a new tenant.

I do understand you on the cam work, not from a judgment point of view if she wants to do that forever, but it’s obviously different covering her rent while she does that to covering her rent while she does a low paid internship to get her up the ladder for example.

Kayte198999 · 06/11/2023 12:33

She doesn't have a contract. Only one housemate does. She did have my daughter sign something, but it's not a proper subletting. There's not a term listed or even an amount that will be paid.

If there's no term or rental amount then what did your daughter sign, maybe just house rules? If she's not friends with the housemates and there is no real agreement in place (maybe illegal subletting?) then it doesn't sound like your daughter needs to continue paying. I doubt the housemate would involve the letting agent or could take her to court without a basic agreement

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 06/11/2023 12:33

When you say you assumed she planned to live with you so you offered to pay her rent for a year, did you make this deal just so she wouldn't be living with you?

No, I moved away from the home she was planning on living in, which wasn't fair to her unless I offered to pay her rent. I did say she could move with us, but she didn't want to at that time.

OP posts:
HamBone · 06/11/2023 12:37

@NutellaNut is right, surely she can find someone to take over her sublease? I do think that you should honor your promise to pay her rent for 12 months, but if she can find someone to take over her current rental, you could also apply that money to a new place (when she finds one)?

I.e., if you end up covering six months rent now, you could help her with six months’ rent when she moves out again.

That seems like a better use of the money, instead of wasting it on somewhere she’s not even living 🤷