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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drive myself to my dads funeral?

89 replies

Beckafett · 06/11/2023 07:10

Title says it all really. My dad passed away recently and it's his funeral this week.
Quite rightly my mum, his wife of over 50 years has chosen all aspects of the funeral.
She's been quite insistent that she wants the grandkids there or at least at the wake. I am their only child with kids.
As it stands my kids, through their own choice, have decided they want to come to the wake.
We don't live locally so all I can think to do is to leave them at my mums and go to the funeral and go back for them. Please note they are old enough for this.
Hence I want to drive myself so I can make sure they are okay after the hearse sets off, and get back to them asap.
My mum is very unhappy about this.
AIBU?

OP posts:
fuckssaaaaake · 06/11/2023 07:11

What's the problem? Doesn't make sense. Sorry for your loss

YourNameGoesHere · 06/11/2023 07:12

If they are old enough to be left alone why are they not coming to the funeral? It would make more sense for them to attend both the funeral and the wake surely?

EVHead · 06/11/2023 07:12

Sorry for your loss.

What’s your mum’s objection?

Are there funeral cars for close family?

DNLove · 06/11/2023 07:13

No, not at all. I'm presuming there after other siblings still in car with her if you don't go. Your children are your priority.
I'd there a reason you are not bringing them to the actual funeral? If they are old enough to stay on own surely they are old enough to go to funeral?

saoirse31 · 06/11/2023 07:14

So she's upset you wont be olin the funeral car with her? Can see from both sides tbh, your mother obviously wants all her children in funeral car, you want to be able to get back quickly to house if needs be. How far is church and graveyard from house? Would a taxi be a possibility for you in an emergency?

DelphiniumBlue · 06/11/2023 07:15

Sorry for your loss.
If your Dc are old enough to be left alone, is there a reason why you don’t want to take them to the funeral? Is it that they are scared of going? Because the obvious answer is for them to go with you.
Either that, or arrange a babysitter so you don’t have to worry about them while you attend the funeral with your mum.

honeylulu · 06/11/2023 07:15

I'm sorry about your father.

Is it that your mum wants you to go in the processional car with her and your siblings? Or that she doesn't want the kids left alone in her house?

Lamelie · 06/11/2023 07:16

How old are they? If they’re old enough to be left at home, can they not attend the Mass, or at least wait outside?
Having you disappear between the service and internment would be a massive faff- you’ll miss the burial or they’ll wait for you, either would be annoying and upsetting for everyone else.
Your mum’s feelings trump everyone else’s this day.

susiedaisy1912 · 06/11/2023 07:16

How old are the children?

TheChosenTwo · 06/11/2023 07:17

Could they just sit in someone’s car during the service if they don’t want to go in? Not everyone wants to go to a funeral and that’s okay, they are generally horrible and I hate going to them. There have been a few where I have cried so much before even leaving the house. Funeral attendance isn’t mandatory.
How old are they? Old enough that they could sit in a car for the short time you’ll be in the service? Or could they go to wherever the wake is in advance and you meet them there?

HavfrueDenizKisi · 06/11/2023 07:19

Sorry for your loss.

I'd be taking them to the funeral too. Took my DDs to my dad'd funeral and they were 3 and 6 at the time. It was an important part of the process. Presuming your kids are way older than that then surely that is the best option?

bellac11 · 06/11/2023 07:19

Sorry about your dad

There is quite a lot of information missing though

Do you mean that the kids only want to come to the wake, they dont want to come to the funeral and she is unhappy about that?

Do you mean that you dont want to come in the cars with everyone and she is unhappy about that?

Can you pre book a cab to collect them to bring them to the wake once you're finished at the funeral so you dont have to go backand then could go in the cars with your mum?

thishasnotmyweek · 06/11/2023 07:19

Honestly - I think your kids should go to the funeral. It’s their grandad. Can they not just sit at the back if they don’t want to be in the middle of it all.

Of course your mother is insistent his grandchildren attend the funeral in some form.

Copperoliverbear · 06/11/2023 07:20

If they're old enough to leave behind at your mums, then personally I think you can quickly make sure they're okay and get in the Hearse, I feel it would be disrespectful not to travel in the Hearse. X

pickledandpuzzled · 06/11/2023 07:23

Are you feeling anxious about the loss of control? It sounds that way.

I found it best to just go along with it. Switch off and float through it. The funeral directors do a lot of the managing that we instinctively try to do.

Aprilx · 06/11/2023 07:24

It seem disrespectful to drive yourself and not travel with your family in the funeral cars, I am not that surprised that your mother is upset. I cannot imagine not having got into the car with my father at my mothers funeral, he needed us.

I also don’t really see why your children could not attend, but that is your prerogative, you could however make arrangements for somebody else to go and get them later, or book a taxi, so that you can be with and support your family in the procession.

Smugandproud · 06/11/2023 07:25

I’m confused.
Your dc can be left on their own but can’t attend the funeral?

MidnightOnceMore · 06/11/2023 07:25

Of course your mother is insistent his grandchildren attend the funeral in some form. No one can insist this.

It is usual for people to attend, and for most people it is a helpful part of the grief process as well as an important sign of support for those closest to the deceased, but there should be no 'insisting'.

That said, I'd expect DGC to attend unless there is a clear reason.

Original poster
Beckafett · 06/11/2023 07:27

Kids are 7 and 12.
Thanks for the replies and points of view.
They've said they don't want to come to the funeral- how have other people managed to force theirs when they've said this at the moment.
Looks like I've mis read this and I should be going in the funeral car with my mum and others.

OP posts:
HowToSaveAWife · 06/11/2023 07:29

At 7 & 12, I don't think they're old enough to stay behind - especially as homes of the deceased are usually targets for burglaries as the family are at the funeral - and I also don't think they're old enough to decide for themselves whether or not they go to the funeral.

You go, kids go, and yes your mum needs you in the car with her.

HomiesAlone · 06/11/2023 07:29

Surely kids need to learn their wants are not always the priority. They should go to pay respect to their grandfather and support their grandmother. Sorry if I've misread the information.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you are all okay.

potatoheads · 06/11/2023 07:30

I disagree that mum's wishes trumps everyone's. The OP abs siblings have lost their father. Husband doesn't trump father. There isn't a competition. They are both in the centre of the grief circle

YourNameGoesHere · 06/11/2023 07:30

Beckafett · 06/11/2023 07:27

Kids are 7 and 12.
Thanks for the replies and points of view.
They've said they don't want to come to the funeral- how have other people managed to force theirs when they've said this at the moment.
Looks like I've mis read this and I should be going in the funeral car with my mum and others.

At 7 and 12 I don't actually think I'd be leaving them home alone. I would be bringing them with you and all going together to support your mum and the rest of the family.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 06/11/2023 07:31

YourNameGoesHere · 06/11/2023 07:12

If they are old enough to be left alone why are they not coming to the funeral? It would make more sense for them to attend both the funeral and the wake surely?

This is what I’m also not understanding….If there’s no way your kids are going to the funeral, surely this is the time a friend or relative could help with bringing them to the wake, and let you go in (presumably) the “family limo” with your mum (if there isn’t room in there for the kids)

bellac11 · 06/11/2023 07:31

I wouldnt force children to attend a funeral, quite surprised at some of the responses here

I think they are a bit young to be left though, so in terms of practicality, they need to go.

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