To drive myself to my dads funeral?

[Beckafett]

Title says it all really. My dad passed away recently and it's his funeral this week.
Quite rightly my mum, his wife of over 50 years has chosen all aspects of the funeral.
She's been quite insistent that she wants the grandkids there or at least at the wake. I am their only child with kids.
As it stands my kids, through their own choice, have decided they want to come to the wake.
We don't live locally so all I can think to do is to leave them at my mums and go to the funeral and go back for them. Please note they are old enough for this.
Hence I want to drive myself so I can make sure they are okay after the hearse sets off, and get back to them asap.
My mum is very unhappy about this.
AIBU?

Well, I'm sorry but I disagree with you.

IMO the sooner children are exposed to these emotional events, the easier it is for them. At what age do you think they are 'ready' for a funeral?

They will have no preconception of a funeral, presumably. And if their parents allow them to avoid it because of their own feelings, how does that help?

It's perfectly normal to be upset and cry at a funeral. Postponing the experience is just as likely to make it into a huge 'thing' that they will find harder later on.

I am sorry for OP's loss.

However, I can't understand where the element of 'choice' arose.

Most parents would just say 'We are going to grandad's funeral and you may need to have a couple of days off school for it.'

And if a 7/12 year old says they don't want to go, I'd say sorry but it's a family occasion and we are all going.

And then I'd talk about WHY they'd not wanted to go and try to help them deal with any emotions behind it.

It's not helping children to wrap them in cotton wool about death.

I actually think the opposite - they need to learn that funerals are a part of life and while they may be upsetting, they're not optional.

It's not beneficial to allow children to opt out of anything they may find potentially uncomfortable.

I do think we should do more to make death, funerals and grief better understood as part of everyday life.

However, as we they've already been given the choice and said no, that can't be undone. I think forcing it now could backfire badly.

I think at their age it should be you who decides whether they go. I’m surprised at you asking how people have “managed to force their children” to go though. It’s your choice. It should be pretty simple for a mother to tell a 7 and 12 year old that they’re going and they just go.

A 7 year old is far too young to be left in their own being looked after by a 12 year old, even more so if not in their own house.

Sorry for your loss Op. Going in the car behind the hearse with your mum is the done thing.
Unless there’s additional needs or a massive back story then the grandchildren should be at the funeral. It’s the funeral we are going. Mine did a reading at her great grandad’s age 14.

I agree with every word of this.
Sometimes going to a funeral is something you just don’t have a choice in and particularly for the 12 year old (as ever assuming normal family relationships) it’s the last trying they can do for their grandfather, you don’t get a second chance with this.

Hell I’m in my 50s and don’t ever WANT to go to a funeral, but there are some things you just do because it’s the right thing

https://www.winstonswish.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/WW-Saying-Goodbye.pdf

Good advice from Winstons Wish above. It’s a charity that supports children with bereavement.

Read the advice on the link from Winstons Wish. They have been supporting children with bereavement for years.

That's a great link @BottleShipDown . Thank you for sharing it.

It's not always possible to offer choice but I know my son really valued having it age 7. I'm sure some are fine with being told, but it doesn't follow that offering choice is a parenting fail.

All funerals are optional to attend.

Thanks all, not had time to read in detail all the replies yet.
Update is- I'm going in the funeral car; the kids are most likely coming with my friend and we will all head to the wake together.

I wrote this post this morning after not a lot of sleep so it wasn't particularly well worded on my part. Instead of trying to justify or give more context I'd just like to thank everyone for all opinions, well wishes and comments.

Glad you’ve found a solution.

When a relative of ours passed away we asked the dc if they wanted to come, they all did. If they hadn’t, that would have been okay and we would have made it work.
My brother asked his dc and they didn’t want to come, they are 11 and 13. They just wanted to remember the happy memories together at home and that was also fine.
They want to come with us to scatter the ashes and one of them has written something they want to read when we do it.
We don’t have to force ourselves through painful things; there will be enough times in our lives that are unavoidable and hard.

Thank you, there have been a lot of kind replies to my post and yours has summed it up well x