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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drive myself to my dads funeral?

89 replies

Beckafett · 06/11/2023 07:10

Title says it all really. My dad passed away recently and it's his funeral this week.
Quite rightly my mum, his wife of over 50 years has chosen all aspects of the funeral.
She's been quite insistent that she wants the grandkids there or at least at the wake. I am their only child with kids.
As it stands my kids, through their own choice, have decided they want to come to the wake.
We don't live locally so all I can think to do is to leave them at my mums and go to the funeral and go back for them. Please note they are old enough for this.
Hence I want to drive myself so I can make sure they are okay after the hearse sets off, and get back to them asap.
My mum is very unhappy about this.
AIBU?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/11/2023 07:31

The youngest is a bit young to be in the charge of DC1 in the house of a grieving woman whilst she's burying her husband, tbh. She'll be worrying about them when she should be able to focus on the service. As will you.

Better for them to be told to wait quietly at the back, rather than that - there's usually somebody attending who will drive a couple of grandchildren as them doing something to help.

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 06/11/2023 07:33

You don't need to be in the funeral car at all, you need to do what's best for you and your kids. They are not old enough to be left alone at 7 and 12 though.

AreYouShittingMe · 06/11/2023 07:34

I drove to my dad's funeral, and don't go in the funeral car. My choice.
I would say choose what is right for you and your kids.
Sorry for your loss.

MidnightOnceMore · 06/11/2023 07:35

Beckafett · 06/11/2023 07:27

Kids are 7 and 12.
Thanks for the replies and points of view.
They've said they don't want to come to the funeral- how have other people managed to force theirs when they've said this at the moment.
Looks like I've mis read this and I should be going in the funeral car with my mum and others.

Much younger than I expected from your post! Fine for them not to attend.

I would expect your mum to understand you would drive your kids, but your mum might not be that way inclined and a funeral is a time to go along with things to avoid drama.

Enlist help from a friend.

I think you're correct, but this is a 'do you want to be right or do you want to keep the peace' occasion.

Year13novice · 06/11/2023 07:35

I didn’t give my children the option to not come to my mums funeral. Although they didn’t consider not coming despite it being a “difficult” day and they were worried about having to make small talk with strangers. If I hadn’t gone in the funeral car with my dad (I was fortunate enough that my dh could drive the kids) my dad would have been distraught. Is there anyone else who could drive your kids so you can go in the car with your mum?

SpoonGently · 06/11/2023 07:35

Sorry for your loss.
I’ve recently been through this, it’s a time of tension for everyone.
I don’t think the DC should be made to go to the funeral if they don’t want to, the 7 year old might be very distressed seeing their mum and granny upset.
IME people are always keen to help at times like this, does your mum have a neighbour they could sit with for an hour while you’re at the funeral? They could join you at the wake afterwards and you can concentrate on yourself and DM?

Original poster
Beckafett · 06/11/2023 07:37

Thanks again for the replies.
I’ll talk to the kids again about going, think I put in my original post that nothing was totally firm. Should have also added that a neighbour would be around as needed.
I’ll also organise to go in the car there with my mum and get a lift back if needed for the kids.

OP posts:
Wonderously · 06/11/2023 07:37

It’s their choice to attend the funeral or not. Personally I’d drive everyone there and stick the kids in a close by cafe for an hour or two during the service.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 06/11/2023 07:38

You go in the funeral car with your mum and siblings. Ask someone else to bring the dcs later and stay with them.

Gazelda · 06/11/2023 07:39

Wonderously · 06/11/2023 07:37

It’s their choice to attend the funeral or not. Personally I’d drive everyone there and stick the kids in a close by cafe for an hour or two during the service.

I'd do this.

Turnthelightoff · 06/11/2023 07:39

You can’t leave children of that age alone, isn’t one supposed to be 14 to be left in charge of another child? So new logistical plans need making. Someone to sit with them who could then drive them to the wake maybe? Or could someone accompany you to the wake location earlier in the day so you leave your car there ready to nip out and go to collect the children (guess it depends how early you’re setting off.)

Itsnotchristmasyet · 06/11/2023 07:40

Sorry I’m a bit confused.

Where will the wake be held?

If they want to go to the wake but not the funeral that’s fine but why can’t you drop them off at your mums and then go to the funeral with her and then pick them back up after the funeral?

Itsnotchristmasyet · 06/11/2023 07:41

How is your mum planning to get back to hers?

Mrsjayy · 06/11/2023 07:44

Can you take your car to the funeral venue and get a lift back so you can go in the funeral cars or even where the wake will be so the car's there and you can go get the children.

Totaly · 06/11/2023 07:44

Could the neighbour bring them or have a babysitter watch them near the funeral, in a local cafe?

Intelligenthair · 06/11/2023 07:46

I don’t really understand the logistics here in terms of cars, but I would just be taking the kids I think. Unless there’s some huge backstory re abuse, their mental health or some special needs, I do think your Mum takes priority here.

Schlurp · 06/11/2023 07:51

I am a bit confused by the logistics too.

Seven is a bit young to be forced to go to a funeral I think - toddlers are different because they don't understand in the same way. I do think it's important that you support your mum though. Would it be possible to leave your car at the church or crem beforehand so you can nip back and get them before the wake? Or just ask someone to drop you back on their way there - presuming there will be lots of people driving from one to the other.

I'd also want an adult with them really even if they are used to being home alone. It'll be a difficult day.

FrenchandSaunders · 06/11/2023 07:51

Why don’t they want to go? It’s their grandad and your mum needs support from the whole family.

I don’t think anyone even considered that our DCs wouldn’t attend funerals of close relatives. Yes it is upsetting but it’s also a part of life and gives them closure. Not pleasant but some things aren’t.

Intelligenthair · 06/11/2023 07:52

Intelligenthair · 06/11/2023 07:46

I don’t really understand the logistics here in terms of cars, but I would just be taking the kids I think. Unless there’s some huge backstory re abuse, their mental health or some special needs, I do think your Mum takes priority here.

I should have also said I’m really sorry for your loss.

MrsMoastyToasty · 06/11/2023 07:52

The limousine that follows the hearse in the funeral cortege usually drops the primary mourners at wherever the wake is being held after the funeral.
Can you arrange for the children to stay at the wake venue and help prepare the tea and sandwiches?

OldLabMummy · 06/11/2023 07:54

iI’m sorry for your loss.

I would ask one of my siblings to help me drop my car off at the funeral venue earlier in the day.

I don’t think the children should go to the funeral if they don’t want to.

Schlurp · 06/11/2023 07:56

FrenchandSaunders · 06/11/2023 07:51

Why don’t they want to go? It’s their grandad and your mum needs support from the whole family.

I don’t think anyone even considered that our DCs wouldn’t attend funerals of close relatives. Yes it is upsetting but it’s also a part of life and gives them closure. Not pleasant but some things aren’t.

I think it's also normal not to bring them. When my grandma died we gave our 7 and 9yo the choice and only the 9yo said yes. He was the only one of 10 great grandkids there.

DappledThings · 06/11/2023 07:56

At 7 and 12 and younger my brother and I and our younger cousins were all at our grandparents funerals. It wasn't a choice. By which I don't mean we were forced, it just wasn't discussed as an option. It wouldn't have crossed anyone's mind we wouldn't go so it wouldn't have been presented as an option.

I would just clarify with your children that the funeral is in two parts and you all ride in the funeral car together.

LIZS · 06/11/2023 07:59

Can you not drop the car off earlier at the church so you travel in the main car but nip back afterwards? How far is the church/venue? Tbh 7 seems young to leave under care of 12yo.

gotomomo · 06/11/2023 08:02

At 7&12 I wouldn't be giving them a choice, they can go with you and if they really don't want to go sit outside/in car and wait. Especially the 12 year old, time for them to step up and show consideration for their grandmother.

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