To drive myself to my dads funeral?

[Beckafett]

Title says it all really. My dad passed away recently and it's his funeral this week.
Quite rightly my mum, his wife of over 50 years has chosen all aspects of the funeral.
She's been quite insistent that she wants the grandkids there or at least at the wake. I am their only child with kids.
As it stands my kids, through their own choice, have decided they want to come to the wake.
We don't live locally so all I can think to do is to leave them at my mums and go to the funeral and go back for them. Please note they are old enough for this.
Hence I want to drive myself so I can make sure they are okay after the hearse sets off, and get back to them asap.
My mum is very unhappy about this.
AIBU?

I'm not sure I'd give them a choice about attending to be honest. I don't mean you drag them kicking and screaming, but when I was that age it would just be presented as "we're going to granddads funeral on Thursday" - it wouldn't even be an option for me to say "no".

I'm sorry for your loss

Primary school kids are fine to attend but you just need to prep them, tell them what will be happening and why in advance. Mine were 6&8 at the first family funeral, though they had been to church funerals before

Personally, I think that unless there are MH issues the kids should go to the funeral. Part of the cycle of life etc. They go separately with your partner or someone else.

Can your DP not deal with them and you go in the car with your mum?

I agree with this. They can choose to sit outside, at the back, in a car, but I would be taking them. Especially if the alternative was faffing about with seperate cars, additional trips here and there and roping in neighbours.

I understand why your mum is upset. I would just take them all to the actual funeral as it was there grandad. If that's really not an option I would see if a friend or relative could go pick them up after the ceremony and I'd travel in the family car.

I think your decision not to take them is right.
At each of my parents' funerals I was hit hard by the event and would not have wanted young children there. Grieving a parent is something you need emotional space for and if you are looking after children at the same time, it's not fair on you.
I would have a trusted someone to mind them during the funeral though. Maybe let them chill at the house with digital devices for a bit. You need peace of mind.

Well, I can't see why they can't wait outside in the car/reception/waiting room/side room of church or whatever. They can even sit quietly at the back of the room with a tablet and headphones, if they don't want to "attend".

I wouldn’t be leaving them lone at that age. They either go to the whole funeral, or not at all.

Sorry for your loss.

The children sound like they are worried; perhaps they don't know what to expect or are concerned about seeing others cry / crying themselves. A few long conversations should help, and put one each side of you to hold hands.

And I didn’t go in the funeral car at my DF’s funeral, as I didn’t want to sit with his wife and her kids in the car.

I would talk to them about why they feel they don’t want to go to the funeral. They may have a distorted view of what happens there. I’ve been to a fair few funerals, many with children. I think it’s important to give them a chance to say their goodbyes.

OP. So sorry for your loss.

I would advise very strongly not to insist the kids go to the funeral. If they understand what a funeral
is, know they will be supported emotionally and don’t want to go, then that’s fine.

My second strong advice is to do what you need to do to give you the best chance of being able to process what is happening and feel what you need to feel. If what will help you to that is this practical arrangement then do that.

I really feel for you because you are having to think about your mums grief and needs as well as your children. But YOU matter too. Your grief matters too.

Is there anyone you can have with you as someone for you? Someone that could collect the kids if need be?

Also, kids sometimes grieve in unexpected ways. Behavioural changes. Regression. They can be in bits one minute and then laughing the next. Especially younger kids. Winstons Wish website used to be helpful.

I lost my dad not too long ago and was in a similar situation - trying to keep everyone happy and then a very good friend said what I have said above. YOU MATTER TOO!

Have a good think about what you NEED. Then figure out the logistics. Call in favours. Anyone that said ‘let me know if there is anything I can do’ ask them.

Good luck. You’ll be in my thoughts 💐

A family member or a friend really need to step up so you can attend your dads funeral. Can you take someone with you to stay behind with the kids? You should absolutely be there.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are being horribly pulled between your obligations to your mum and to your DC. And probably not at all being able to grieve as you would wish.

It's neither rude nor disrespectful not to go in the funeral car. I'm frustrated pp have put that on you.

You do what you can to support your mum but you can't ignore your kids. You've got siblings so presumably they will be with her anyway.

If you're sure they'll be ok alone, then driving seems like the best option.

I think that as children, they should do what you and your mum want.
My children have attended some grandparent's funerals, when they were around the age yours are now.

I don't understand why they have a choice! They are not of an age (like older teens or adults) where they should dictate what happens.

Mine were told that we, as a family, were going to the funeral.
It was 300 miles away so we had to stay in a hotel.

They are too young to be left alone but I think old enough to understand that this is something that they need to do. It is not about them but about others. Both my dc have been to GP funerals and all funerals of people that they know.

Another thought OP. If your kids do go, say to them that it’s normal to have big feelings (don’t specify as they might feel all sorts including getting giggly) and that this ok. Let them know who to go to for a hug (if you feel you’ll be able to then say to come to you for a hug) 💐💐

LaughterintheRains

I would be a bit wary of enforcing a funeral on a child TBH. Without preparation and without them opting in it could be traumatising. I think it should be a choice if possible.

I don’t think it’s something kids can make a choice about as they have no idea what it is and what to expect so have nothing to base it on.
Alsonwith all the sadness around I would imagine being left on their own in a strangers house whilst sad people leave is worse.
i would take them so they can see people do get sad and that’s a normal part of things and life and ok

I agree. It's not really something you can prepare them for and that's why realistically it's silly to give them any choice in thinking attending is optional. Of course many children would say they don't want to go when given the option as it's an unknown entity and they can't comprehend what it will be like. Making that choice for them shows them it's just a normal part of life, yes it's sad but it's ok to be sad sometimes.

Why would you give children a choice.

It is their close family.

They shouldn't have a choice whether to attend or not.

I don’t agree in forcing the kids to attend like some posters are saying. My younger kids were 10 and 14 when my dad died and I gave them both the choice of attending. I think forcing a child of any age to attend a funeral against their wishes is very damaging. My kids managed really well, my 14yr old helped ‘carry’ the coffin and 5 months later he did the same for his other granddad. He coped really well but he had a choice about both of those things. I do need it’s important for kids to see death as part of the cycle of life but via choice. My kids did get very upset at the service when I gave my eulogy which talked about his love of his grandkids and all the things he enjoyed doing with them. But it was so important for them to hear this and be part of the goodbye.

I do understand your mum being upset about you not being in the funeral car, my mum would have been too. I’d ask someone to drive you back to collect the kids. I think they will be fine for an hour or so if a neighbour is nearby. Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. Could your children wait in the waiting room at the crematorium? Or suggest they come to the funeral but if they get upset that it's no problem to go and wait outside/in the waiting room?

I think you perhaps need an arrangement where someone will be with them during the service and then take them to the wake. I’m assuming you may have a roll in the service. I gave a eulogy at sibling and mum’s funeral.

I agree that it is quite tricky if they don’t attend