To want my son to sod off

[Askingforafriend101]

I have 3 kids
17 12 and 6
My eldest is a nightmare!
He left school and didn't bother turning up for collage as its "waste of his time"
I have said about Jobs etc he says they won't pay him enough for his skill (which he has none)
I managed to get him somewhere to work with family and he doesn't bother going says it's boring and he not allowed to work on cars (well yeah he needs to learn first)
Now let's get to the bullying
It is constant.... his other brother will not leave his room and has had panic attacks over it! He intimidates him by going in his face threatening him etc
My house is trashed I'm talking doors been smashed off where he's broken them trying to get in everything I had is broke normally by being thrown at me.
He constantly says I'm a retard and pathetic I should just hurry up and die (I'm not well)
He keeps on saying to "get a job" even though no one would hire someone who has my condition.
I burst out crying and all he did was laugh and throw stuff at me.
I've asked his dad to have him and even drove him up there and soon as he fell asleep he stole money and went to train station and came home.
I've locked him out and he's smashed everything and got in.
We struggle with money and all he does is moan that I'm a brokey pathetic embarrassing etc bare in mind I havent been to hairdressers in 6 years had any new clothes havent spent a single penny on myself.
Tonight again it's reached boiling point... he is saying I need to go out to take little one to see fireworks but I have 0 petrol and 31p in bank... I've said this and he's saying to 6yr old oh what time is mum taking you out fireworks are amazing I said I can't and he said I can I'm just a lazy retard and telling 6yr old to get her shoes etc so I can take her to a display over an hr drive away... despite saying 100 times I can't!

No other family can help I have no friends and his dad is as useless as wet 2ply tissue

Social won't help except give counselling to the other 2 little ones via school

Police will not remove as he's legally a child as just under 18 and there's no concern for his welfare.

My oldest is autistic and from a single parent household.
He doesn’t behave anywhere near like this. Because I noticed there were odd behaviours and took action to help him live with his autism, understand it and work around it.

There are still moments and meltdowns but he doesn’t just live his life like this. If he does have something, then it has gone unnoticed by his parents and he hasn’t received any help. That’s a parenting problem.

There are much more extreme versions of SEN, and some people require lifelong care. But this kid doesn’t have that. He just hasn’t had the help and support he needs; that’s parenting. They haven’t even noticed it!

I doubt he actually has any condition at all. Lack of boundaries and poor parenting are just as likely as autism.

"Awful parenting" and yet sometimes there is one child who behaves this way and the siblings don't. Sounds like her has some underlying issues that may be nature, too.

There are many different presentations of autism. Just because you have been lucky with your son doesn’t mean others have been as lucky. I would have thought that parents of children were asd wouldn’t be so quick to judge others.
You have no idea whether this child might have severe SEN or not.

Autism with PDA is very hard to manage compared to without PDA and I think saying the impact of parenting is responsible for the severity of the ability of the person with autism to cope with normal life is insulting.
At it’s simplest it is like saying all babies should sleep through the night by six weeks old and if they don’t it’s the parents fault.

He is above the age of criminal resplendent is committing crimes in your home. I would report him to the police. Sorry you are going through this OP, and sorry you are having to put up with the victim blaming on this thread 😢

*responsibility not resplendent

Some blissfully ignorant people on here. My own parents were absolutely shit parents, abusive negligent uncaring and I was removed more than once. Yet I've not done any of the things my teen has done. I've done a lot of work with parents who do struggle with parenting. That is not what us going on with my child who I actively hope will kill me because I'm out of all hope. Yet you all sit on your heels and smugly assume my parenting is lacking compared to yours. It's not nuture enjoy your ignorance and shaking your heads when my death doesn't even register with my neighbours, let alone the news. This is not a society that cares or has any of the answers because of smug hurtful twats that blame mother's for not doing enough

Are you this unpleasant, unsympathetic and patronising IRL? You’re blaming the victim here, not to mention the shameless benefit bashing. Your post is based on a series of assumptions which are based on your own misplaced view of benefit claimants and your clear prejudice, rather than on actual facts presented by the OP. The answer to this problem is not forcing a clearly unwell person to work so she can set an ‘example’ to her son. The answer is for the police, social services and whatever other services are appropriate to step in and provide the OP with the help she so desperately needs.

The OP posted for advice and support, not to be dismissed as a doormat and a scrounger. For your own sake I hope you are able to get off your high horse for long enough to stop assuming that everyone ‘on the sick’ is a scrounger and educate yourself about the reality of the lives of those unfortunate enough to be stuck in the benefits system. Because your post says far more about you than it does about them.

Why does everyone believe there's all these brilliant WFH jobs available?

It is a bit like the 'get a job in a supermarket' because those jobs are in plentiful supply and really easy to walk into myth.

The poster you’re referring to has a skewed and prejudiced view of benefit claimants. It therefore follows that her attitude towards their gainful and example setting employment would be similarly unrealistic. Not to mention the very real difficulties in persuading an employer to take on someone with a health condition or disability.

Think you need more support than what you're getting. Sounds very stressful.

Some blissfully ignorant people on here. My own parents were absolutely shit parents, abusive negligent uncaring and I was removed more than once. Yet I've not done any of the things my teen has done

Similar situation with me and my siblings, yet it's only me that ended up being so awful I was kicked out 3 times before I was even 18.

No. It's because now (last 20 years) society lies to itself that parental absenteeism doesn't negatively impact children. Well it does. We used to know this decades ago and have a less punitive welfare system as a result. But single parent households have risen and now everyone sees any acknowledgement that some children's emotional needs can't be effectively met with just the input of one parent (usually unfairly a mother) as a personal slur or misogyny. Well misogyny is refusing to accept women are often overwhelmingly struggling alone, with the added stressor of poverty and subsequently struggling to do it all well. Misogyny is telling women they can be everything all the time and carry the burden of everything all the time, when it comes to areas like work and parenting and then expecting them to. Misogyny is withdrawing things like child benefit to women getting pregnant with more than two kids or earning 'over the threshold' and letting her children suffer because 'you deal with it'

People chanting that 'all single mums are great' to preserve feelings, doesn't result in what needs to happen, which is society adapting accordingly to the FACT that social family dynamics have changed, sone children will subsequently have a shortfall, and therefore, there needs to be a decent non-punitive, non-misogynistic welfare system, better after school and child care provision, more youth clubs, more male child mentors, earlier intervention for struggling children.

We won't get it while pretending that all children can thrive in a single-parent household, no, some won't and cannot for a myriad reasons including personality. Hell some children are hard work with two.

I am a single parent with a very involved co-parent. My oldest is a very responsible, conscientious young man. It's his personality, he works hard at everything he does. He'd likely have found his way without a father being involved frankly, as I don't need to motivate him. My youngest absolutely no way! He'd have given me hell. He is work with two very involved parents. He needs committed male involvement in his life, and he wouldn't have got that solely from my side of the family.

I would have failed him on my own, because I can't be everything to him, and nor should I be. I have limitations. It fine to acknowledge that, It's just facts.

Presumably he didn't just become like this OP. Without apportioning blame, do you know WHY he is like this? Had there been a lot of disruption, lack of care, unassisted learning issues, domestic unrest? There must be reasons why he is like this. Of course he could just be a sociopath but that's less likely

Oh that is horrendous.

I don't have any advice, but my Brother was exactly like this. I was petrified of him for years, he smashed the house up, he called my Mum every name under the sun. He tried to kill my pet. Just a really vile person.

The only thing that sorted him out was going to the Navy. He came back a different person. Still has his issues but he's no longer a disrespectful, horrible prick.