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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my son to sod off

115 replies

Askingforafriend101 · 05/11/2023 17:16

I have 3 kids
17 12 and 6
My eldest is a nightmare!
He left school and didn't bother turning up for collage as its "waste of his time"
I have said about Jobs etc he says they won't pay him enough for his skill (which he has none)
I managed to get him somewhere to work with family and he doesn't bother going says it's boring and he not allowed to work on cars (well yeah he needs to learn first)
Now let's get to the bullying
It is constant.... his other brother will not leave his room and has had panic attacks over it! He intimidates him by going in his face threatening him etc
My house is trashed I'm talking doors been smashed off where he's broken them trying to get in everything I had is broke normally by being thrown at me.
He constantly says I'm a retard and pathetic I should just hurry up and die (I'm not well)
He keeps on saying to "get a job" even though no one would hire someone who has my condition.
I burst out crying and all he did was laugh and throw stuff at me.
I've asked his dad to have him and even drove him up there and soon as he fell asleep he stole money and went to train station and came home.
I've locked him out and he's smashed everything and got in.
We struggle with money and all he does is moan that I'm a brokey pathetic embarrassing etc bare in mind I havent been to hairdressers in 6 years had any new clothes havent spent a single penny on myself.
Tonight again it's reached boiling point... he is saying I need to go out to take little one to see fireworks but I have 0 petrol and 31p in bank... I've said this and he's saying to 6yr old oh what time is mum taking you out fireworks are amazing I said I can't and he said I can I'm just a lazy retard and telling 6yr old to get her shoes etc so I can take her to a display over an hr drive away... despite saying 100 times I can't!

No other family can help I have no friends and his dad is as useless as wet 2ply tissue

Social won't help except give counselling to the other 2 little ones via school

Police will not remove as he's legally a child as just under 18 and there's no concern for his welfare.

OP posts:
Milliemoos5 · 06/11/2023 07:12

What a ridiculous and vile comment

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 06/11/2023 07:14

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 06/11/2023 07:07

Surely he doesn't get to just abdicate responsibility like that though? Regardless of his relationship with the OP, what kind of a useless twat allows his children to be continually bullied and terrorised and does nothing? So sorry you're going through this OP

Of course he 'gets to' because what's the alternative? Who is going to force him to step up? It's a bit late by now anyway isn't it - the kid is almost an adult.

Luxurybeliefspreader · 06/11/2023 07:24

This is domestic violence and should be treated as such by both the police and social services regardless of his age (it's more complex but doesn't mean can be ignored)
DV to parents and siblings is a huge and recognised issue, contact Women's Aid or a DV charity local to you to get specialist advice on keeping your other children and yourself safe.

Luxurybeliefspreader · 06/11/2023 07:26

*sorry Domestic Abuse is probably a better term.

Xjejeloelelesl · 06/11/2023 07:32

Why is your son like this OP? What’s happened in his life for him to be this way?
Can you put him into care to protect your other 2 children?

Rosscameasdoody · 06/11/2023 07:39

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So all ‘typical’ boys with absent fathers routinely refuse to work, smash up their mothers’ homes, bully their siblings and threaten their mothers ? I would imagine that’s news to most people.

moetmoet · 06/11/2023 07:48

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm afraid it's tough when they get to this age as your powers have waned. I have a 17 yo, by no means am I comparing the two as we are having some issues but nowhere near like what you describe.
Me and DS dad separated when he was two, and I've found that parenting him has gone ok (in terms of being a single mum) as I did worry that there would be implications. For me, and I suspect many others, the problems come now. At this age.
For the issues we see, I feel we need a male to step in, that's the male role in parenting - to come down tough where needed. The nurturing has been done, we are almost redundant as mothers in this phase.

If Dad is a waste of space, does your son have any uncles on either side, your friends husbands, etc that he does/could look up to? They need to come down on him like a tonne of bricks initially but building a relationship like that could crack this before it's too late.

Thedm · 06/11/2023 07:52

Rosscameasdoody · 06/11/2023 07:39

So all ‘typical’ boys with absent fathers routinely refuse to work, smash up their mothers’ homes, bully their siblings and threaten their mothers ? I would imagine that’s news to most people.

Show quote history

He didn’t get like this on his own. It is down to parenting. It isn’t about an absent father or spending time moving between two homes or whatever, but it is down to parenting. Maybe it would have been different with two parents in the house as they could have backed each other up with boundaries, but this really does mostly come down to parenting, single parent or otherwise.

Rosscameasdoody · 06/11/2023 07:52

Blaster22 · 05/11/2023 19:57

His behaviour is unacceptable, and out of control.
However, he is still a child. Your child. He obviously carries trauma (divorce, your illness, lack of funds) that comes out as anger and abuse.
This boy needs help. Not a kicking out. Talk to him when he's calm. See if he opens up to you and you can start getting those emotions out establishing a stronger bond. Try get some councelling for him if you can.
Human brain only matures and stops developing at the age of 25. There's a lot you can do if you get him on right track now. He is being awful, but dont give up on him. Hugs xx

You’re basically telling the OP to put up with the status quo and to keep her other two children in harms’ way. A violent, disturbed 17 year old who clearly believes he can behave as he likes with no consequences isn’t going to suddenly ‘open up’ and bond with the mother he obviously enjoys abusing, or respond magically to counselling. It’s bullshit. He needs to realise that his actions have consequences and the only way to do this is to call the police and social services, have him removed from the home because he’s a threat to everyone in it, and refuse to have him back. The OP is beyond dealing with this alone, she needs help from the appropriate authorities because he is dangerously out of control.

newusern99 · 06/11/2023 07:58

This kind of behaviour can happen with boys with autism with PDA. I know of at least one such case and there have been other similar stories on mumsnet Unfortunately it isn’t that easy to get children rehoused even when the child is threatening their siblings.
is this a possibility?
if his behaviour has changed significantly recently then have you also considered county lines?

Rosscameasdoody · 06/11/2023 07:59

Thedm · 06/11/2023 07:52

He didn’t get like this on his own. It is down to parenting. It isn’t about an absent father or spending time moving between two homes or whatever, but it is down to parenting. Maybe it would have been different with two parents in the house as they could have backed each other up with boundaries, but this really does mostly come down to parenting, single parent or otherwise.

Show quote history

I don’t dispute that there is a breakdown of parental authority here, but from what the OP says this boy resents her for reasons beyond her control - illness, lack of money. How is that her fault. What I was replying to was this posters’ ridiculous assertion that the violent and abusive behaviour is typical of boys whose fathers are absent. That’s just nonsense.

Conkersinautumn · 06/11/2023 08:00

Down to parenting? What utter bullshit I read on here. My child has stabbed me, destroyed whole rooms out of spite. There are no services that care or intervene.

pam290358 · 06/11/2023 08:03

moetmoet · 06/11/2023 07:48

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm afraid it's tough when they get to this age as your powers have waned. I have a 17 yo, by no means am I comparing the two as we are having some issues but nowhere near like what you describe.
Me and DS dad separated when he was two, and I've found that parenting him has gone ok (in terms of being a single mum) as I did worry that there would be implications. For me, and I suspect many others, the problems come now. At this age.
For the issues we see, I feel we need a male to step in, that's the male role in parenting - to come down tough where needed. The nurturing has been done, we are almost redundant as mothers in this phase.

If Dad is a waste of space, does your son have any uncles on either side, your friends husbands, etc that he does/could look up to? They need to come down on him like a tonne of bricks initially but building a relationship like that could crack this before it's too late.

OP has already said - no family who can help and she has no friends. And this has gone far beyond a male stepping in IMO. OP needs the authorities to step in and help, as she’s clearly out of her depth.

ThatHeSaidSheSaid · 06/11/2023 08:05

He can’t be around you and your you get children clearly.

Presumably this hasn’t happened overnight though. What was he like as a younger child? When did the behaviour issue begin and escalate? Has he been assessed for anything? Were school helpful when he was younger? Did you work with them? What did you do when he was behaving this way as a younger person and how did he respond?

ThatHeSaidSheSaid · 06/11/2023 08:06

**younger children not you get children

Thedm · 06/11/2023 08:07

Conkersinautumn · 06/11/2023 08:00

Down to parenting? What utter bullshit I read on here. My child has stabbed me, destroyed whole rooms out of spite. There are no services that care or intervene.

In the nature or nurture debate, I come down firmly on the nurture side, as do many many studies. Behaviour like this doesn’t just happen; it comes from their upbringing and the relationships they have formed with their guardians.

LuluBlakey1 · 06/11/2023 08:07

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BlackeyedSusan · 06/11/2023 08:09

Is he autistic?

It's similar to descriptions posted by many posters who are parents of autistic teens on another thread.

Imamumgetmeoutofhere · 06/11/2023 08:12

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Fucking hell. Victim blaming at its finest.

The OP needs help and support not judgement.

Parenting is never easy, whether that's single parenting or in a couple. We all make mistakes now and again and wish we could do things differently.

And her working doesn't come into it either, having a chronic illness can be completely debilitating and sometimes all you can do it's the bare minimum to get through the day.

OP I can't offer any more advice than you have already been given but want to say good luck to you and I hope your situation improves with your son x

3luckystars · 06/11/2023 08:17

Is his behaviour a recent thing? So sorry you are dealing with this but I agree his dad needs to step in and help.

And apologies also I can’t stop laughing at the thought of bringing him on an exotic holiday to teach him some gratitude, that would be out of most peoples budget, and this woman has already said she has 31p to her name.

shieldmaiden7 · 06/11/2023 08:19

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Bullshit! I was a single parent to my teen sons for 5+ years until I met my DH, their dad is useless and I haven't had any of the troubles OP has.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful! Apart from changing the locks when he's 18 I have no advice. Good luck lovely Flowers

Bulletin · 06/11/2023 08:20

I would really want to know where this anger and appalling behaviour came from. Has it always been like this? What was his childhood like? Did he witness any difficult behaviour at home? Would he consider counselling? Do you think he is ‘bad’ or sad and angry?

He needs to do something constructive away from family. With friends? Sport? He needs something to direct his energy towards. I wonder if he is insecure or scared of failure? Hence all this bravado about being too skilled for certain jobs.

What happens when you try and ‘talk’? Can you go for a walk and chat just the two of you?

He sounds like he does not respect you one bit.

Either way he needs to be separated from your younger children. I work in mental health and have seen adults who have been traumatised their entire life because of abuse from siblings when they were younger and parents that did nothing to stop it.

Bulletin · 06/11/2023 08:24

BridgetsBigPants · 06/11/2023 05:52

Please tell me this is a joke?

Show quote history

If you look at that poster’s recent posts, they are all in a similar provocative vein. About lower class people, staying pretty to please your husband, and advising people on a budget to try Waitrose Essentials range. Quite amusing 😏

Rosscameasdoody · 06/11/2023 08:29

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Only a matter of time before the benefit bashers found the thread to spread their insidious and divisive crap. Do you not think the OP has enough to put up with, without you adding your ignorant view of benefit claimants into the mix ? No it’s far from an ideal environment for children, but there are appropriate authorities and a useless twat of a father somewhere, who should be taking some responsibility and helping the OP. But instead you’re seriously suggesting the solution is that someone with an illness - the nature and severity of which you know absolutely nothing - go out and get a job, and that will somehow magically make everything better. You should be ashamed of this smug, self righteous bullshit.

newusern99 · 06/11/2023 08:30

Thedm · 06/11/2023 08:07

In the nature or nurture debate, I come down firmly on the nurture side, as do many many studies. Behaviour like this doesn’t just happen; it comes from their upbringing and the relationships they have formed with their guardians.

Show quote history

Unless he is autistic (perhaps with pda) in which case it is nature not nurture.