To include my Foster Daughter on my will as my 12 year old adopted son is obviously included

[Coldcaller]

I have two grown up daughters 29 and 27 who are both teachers and I have one 14 year old Foster daughter and a 12 year old adopted son. My foster daughter has lived with us since she was 9 and is dearly loved by us all. I cannot see her leaving us until at the earliest she finishes University (if ever) . She is a quite remarkable young lady that despite the fact of coming to us from difficult situations regarding her family situation still passed her 11+ and is thriving at her grammar school. It is both her and our strongest wish that she carries on living with us to at least she finishes University but she will always be my third daughter whatever happens.

Currently she has a terrible relationship with her birth mother and can not be with her for more than thirty minutes before she leaves in tears. I wait outside her mothers house, because she refuses to go and see her mother unless she can escape quickly. The last three times she has come out and ran straight in to my arms absolutely devastated telling me who she loathes her. Foster daughter has two siblings a 11 year old Sister and a 9 year old Brother who live with her. The other kids have been brainwashed by the mother to say such things as she is a 'Snob' and that they are not good enough for her. Hence, why she lives with us in a comfortable financially well off and loving family.

I have recently instructed my Solicitor to divide everything four ways rather than three ways . I believe i should have done this sooner I know it will be easier if she was Adopted by me this is a conversation I need to have with her.

OP this is so heartwarming you have transformed this young ladies life thank God for people like you in this world!

Its a lovely idea. Consider putting her share into trust, in case she comes under pressure from her birth family.

I find this whole thing really odd. OP’s your disgust towards your foster daughter’s mother is very clear so I assume your foster daughter has picked up on this. I was under the impression that where possible family reunification was the goal. I appreciate in a lot of circumstances that is not possible but I thought a foster carer’s role was to support their foster children in their current situation, not to tell them they social worker won’t be fooled by them pretending to love their mother (WTAF…) and thinking up ways to adopt when it’s not on the cards. There is a whole lot of saviour complex going on here. It’s all a bit fantasy - Rich and rescuing the poor child with the evil mother. I know you will get lots of “you are amazing OP” which I think you wanted but I really hope the poor FD’s social worker is picking up on this situation.

I think its more complicated than it might seem. DS lived with foster carers for longer than your foster daughter has lived with you and they did want to adopt him but through no ones fault it wasn't thought to be appropriate and he was adopted by us. He has very little contact with the foster family now (many years have passed) FB friends but that's it really. They too have moved on and have now had other children for longer than they had him.i know it seems like this is forever but there are no guarantees. Might you wait until she is an adult and include her in your will at that point if it's still appropriate? If DS foster family had included him back in the day, they would presumably have had to disinherit him now as things have changed.

I am not disgusted about my Foster Daughters Mother.
However, For two and half years she made no contact or even write a letter to FD. I generally wish the best for her and her other children who due to being FD's Kin I have compassion for. I can't however send Birthday presents for them but I can ensure that FD is able to buy presents for her brother and sister. However, this can be difficult to get it just right because it is not about 'Savior syndrome' it is about being caring for her Sister and Brother.

I have cared for FD for five years and I have never once called her mother, even when she chased her out of her house 3 weeks ago . This after FD told her mother how happy she is with her life school and her plans for the future. She came out of her Mothers Home crying ran over to my car and when she got in held my hand so tight, she would not let go . She was physically shaking in 'fear' that her mother would get custody of her and force her to leave her school and her current comfortable life. FD's mother would also likely expect her to give up her University aspirations to care for her Sister and Brother so she can go to the Pub every night !

It sounds tough for your FD. You’ve done really good things for her and I hope she stays with you. I do honestly think that no matter how awful her background is it is part of her and you can’t erase it, tempting as it might be, or you’ll cause her problems later in life. It’s better to swallow your dislike and facilitate some sort of relationship if you can while being around to support her. I can see why her mother feels angry with her even if it’s not right, so maybe you could help the child to understand. There’s probably as much or more grief there than anger. But yes, it sounds as if she is much better off living with you.

That’s one of the problems with foster care, the foster child gets a view of a very different lifestyle, benefits from
that to some extent while also maintaining relationships with a birth family where things may be much more chaotic. Part of the job as a foster care is to help manage that gap. You honestly can’t see why her telling her, by very definition, struggling mum how lovely her life is and her wonderful plans for the future - a life mum will never be able to give her siblings - would bring about an adverse reaction?

It’s not your job to call out her mum, it’s your job to support continued relationships with her family of origin by helping her understand the reasons why her mum can’t care for her in a positive, affirming way, no matter your personal opinion of mum. It’s a balance all adopters need to strike - being honest about the reasons for being in care, and ultimately being adopted, while leaving that door open should the child want a relationship with their family of origin now or in future.

She has a right to a relationship with her birth family, which in time may become very important to her. Even if you do go on to adopt her that right remains, particularly given her age. Of course as a young teenager she can see the differences in what you can offer her v what her mum can, and doesn’t want to return to her family, but that doesn’t mean cutting that legal bond is in her best interests in the longer term. You need to really think about how and what you communicate about her mum, because “look at all the lovely things I can give you that your mum can’t” may bite you on the arse when she gains maturity and understanding.

As a foster carer you have a duty to raise any concerns about contact with her social workers, because there are other children to consider here and they also need to be able to assess whether continued contact is in this child’s best interests. You seem to have lost sight of the wider responsibilities in your job, because fostering is a job, while also being much more.

Your fosterling deserves to have a sense of security about her future, which doesn’t necessarily mean adoption or a SGO, it could be that the current arrangement is secured through permanence planning without changing her legal standing with her mum. You clearly have a very privileged life, one which makes parenting much easier in lots of ways. Consider where her mum would be with your advantages, and how your parenting would be if you’d had her mums life experiences and adversity, and again think how it would be if you saw someone else giving your child everything you’d never be able to give them in a million years, and think about how to help your fosterling to straddle that gap.

OP you are an absolute diamond . From an ex social worker .