To include my Foster Daughter on my will as my 12 year old adopted son is obviously included

[Coldcaller]

I have two grown up daughters 29 and 27 who are both teachers and I have one 14 year old Foster daughter and a 12 year old adopted son. My foster daughter has lived with us since she was 9 and is dearly loved by us all. I cannot see her leaving us until at the earliest she finishes University (if ever) . She is a quite remarkable young lady that despite the fact of coming to us from difficult situations regarding her family situation still passed her 11+ and is thriving at her grammar school. It is both her and our strongest wish that she carries on living with us to at least she finishes University but she will always be my third daughter whatever happens.

Currently she has a terrible relationship with her birth mother and can not be with her for more than thirty minutes before she leaves in tears. I wait outside her mothers house, because she refuses to go and see her mother unless she can escape quickly. The last three times she has come out and ran straight in to my arms absolutely devastated telling me who she loathes her. Foster daughter has two siblings a 11 year old Sister and a 9 year old Brother who live with her. The other kids have been brainwashed by the mother to say such things as she is a 'Snob' and that they are not good enough for her. Hence, why she lives with us in a comfortable financially well off and loving family.

I have recently instructed my Solicitor to divide everything four ways rather than three ways . I believe i should have done this sooner I know it will be easier if she was Adopted by me this is a conversation I need to have with her.

Of course YANBU, but like others have said, make sure you talk to a solicitor.

I’ve just written my will, and for totally different reasons (dodgy ex), I’ve had to name trustees who would look after any funds until my DSes are 25. This will mean there would be some left for them, and it wouldn’t all get spent by their dad.

Holy fucking shit, that’s the most terrible thing I’ve read for a long while. I imagine in real life you are sitting in the cold and dark spilling hate and bile about the world and how everyone has done you wrong. How can you say that?!

I think she wants to see her mother because part of her wants to believe it will be different with her the next time. The Social Worker has asked her does she want to see her Mother on numerous occasions, every-time she tells the Social Worker how much she loves her mother sister and brother. She is adamant with the Social Worker that she sees her mother. It is only in private with me she tells the truth. She tells the Social Worker that she always has a lovely time with her mother and siblings.

I think she is frightened, that her siblings might be placed in care if she complains and does not agree to see her Mother once a week. She wants the Social Worker to believe that her Mother is good for the sake of her siblings. I have told her the Social Worker will not be fooled by her pretending to love her mother. She does not believe me and is always concerned about the motives and actions of Social Services.

You want social media headpats. Why else announce it here?

Just divide your assets how you like. Just don't disinherit her if she goes back to loving her mum, OK.

I see no reason for any of your beneficiaries to be aware of the contents of your will.

Really? I think the complete opposite. Tell them now so that grieving people aren’t stressed or confused at a very emotional time.

Really ? Explain please

My foster sister is treated equally in my parents' will along with my brother. (brother and I are biological children). And her children are treated equally with mine.
I wouldn't want it any other way.

And for the poster who said it should only be done in the event of an adoption, why? Until writing this post, I virtually never say 'foster' sister. She has been my sister since she was 11 and I was 6. We're now in our 50s! The lack of adoption made no difference at all.

I think you should limit yourself to your three children and change your will if you do adopt your foster child. The fact is the status and dynamics of a relationship with a foster child is different to a birth or adopted child, it is much more likely to change. There is also the chance that anything she inherits could end up going to her mother.

If she won't tell the truth to her SW then the adoption will never happen. I'd make your DD, who is her teacher aware that you want her to inherit, but I wouldn't yet put it in writing. You can discuss it with your DD to protect the girl from her Mother being manipulative and conning her out of her inheritance should anything happen to you. Your DD could be in the background with the offer of financial help once she is an adult. She'll get various funding because she's a looked after child, as you know. Write her in your will at present and it could be the Mother who gets it.

This

you sound like an amazing caring person and all the children are lucky to have you.

Please can I ask you though not to have a conversation with your foster daughter about adoption before you have fully discussed it with your social worker. She is not available to be adopted, and it would be terribly unfair to raise the idea in her mind if it could not actually happen.

As to the money, I think it’s a lovely idea, but I would also want to write something to each of your children explaining your decision so that they all feel acknowledged in their different ways.

What about setting up a trust with the adult children in charge? If things ever go wrong and her mother guilt trips her into giving money, it will be limited to a small amount.

Obviously that is redundant if there isn't all that much to will.

Why do you say the social worker won't be fooled by her pretending to love her mother? No matter how hurt her mother makes her, is it not almost certain that her daughter loves her? And that will be why she keeps giving her another chance?
Don't make your foster daughter think she has to not love her birth mother in order to please you.

I might be wrong but there's no way you can just decide to adopt a child, they will have a care plan that states they have to be removed from their birth relatives and are to be looked after in foster care or a children's care residential home.
A judge has to decide a child's best interests are to be adopted and the legal relationship & parental rights between the child and their birth parents is to be severed and the child will be issued a new birth certificate which removes the birth parents from there.
It may not seem it but there's a huge difference between fostering (even long term) and adoption.
Of course it's possible, but I would think unlikely in this case? Especially as it seems even the child understands she should maintain a relationship with her birth mum and her siblings.

Re the inheritance absolutely include your foster daughter, use that as a way of going some way to creating the equality she would have as an adopted child. She sounds wonderful and your birth children sound wonderful and they want to do the right thing so there's no need to ask anyone else really.
It's really heartbreaking that some posters can't see her value as a member of your family unless you had given birth to her or adopted her. Or somehow suggesting she has bad blood and therefore can't be trusted with any generous or fair split of
an inheritance.
Child in care need love and support, not to be treated as if they are toxic or tainted. They are discriminated against (see some posters in this thread as just a tiny example) throughout their lives and are starting their lives from a place of disadvantage.
I grew up in a family where my parents values were Christian and although I would never describe as religious I was taught that one should go out into the world spreading love and hope and to extend the hand of generosity to those who need it the most and I would say this is what you are doing through including her equally.

Have you spoken to your supervising social worker about your plan? That would be my first port of call.

Why wouldn't you? I've done the same with my (now adult) foster son, with the full agreement of my DC. He doesn't have a relationship with his mother (and fortunately no siblings) so we are his family, end of story.

This is right. Adoption orders follow placement orders, which state that the child’s plan is one of adoption.

I have not known a child to have a placement order much over 4 years old. Over that age and it is usually felt the child would have too many memories of birth family and find the shift to having other legal parents too difficult. The aim for all children is permanence, but for older children that is usually achieved by long term fostering with the same carer (“staying put”) or SGO.

Once the child is 18, of course it is up to them what they do and if they wish to sever all contact with birth family and live permanently with their foster family, being treated as a family member, then that is different. But before 18, I would be cautious with wills - simply as as a PP has said, if you die, she will be moved to a different carer and her next of kin will still be her birth family. You would need to speak to a solicitor about how you make a will so that her birth family cannot access the money.

My children have different fathers. Eldest has a father who has never seen or acknowledged her - he is a millionaire he has no other children. Highly likely he won’t leave them anything. Although he could leave them the lot - more likely to go to a spouse if he had married by then.
youngest will inherit his fathers estate again a millionaire - and an only child.

I’m not sure what they will do - but I think given how close they are they will split everything 50/50 down the middle. My estate is divided.

if I had an adopted or foster child - likewise an even split.

I have been out all day with FD and Son firstly watching FD play hockey and then some Shopping for Sons 13th Birthday next week! What do you buy a 13 year old Boy who has X Box's PC 50 Games and So on who does not want a party.

I have noted a lot of what has been posted specifically the difficulty in ensuring FD would not be put under pressure from her mother in case of my death. I would like in that case for DD1 to become her legal Guardian. However, of course that means talking to a lawyer, would that mean she would take over the SGO if we chose that way forward rather than an adoption . I understand that 14 is a difficult age for adoption some of the reasons why have been stated here. I also agree i need to talk to a specialist Family Lawyer and Social Services before asking her the question. She has of the cuff said she wants me to be her forever 'Mum' so whether that is a plea for me to adopt her who knows. DD1 and DD2 are currently beneficiaries of a trust set up for them, so in theory could act as 'trusties' to FD until she was 25 or so in which case her mother would be out of the picture regarding any Inheritance.

Anyway if i did formally adopt FD surely she could still have a strong relationship with her Sister and Brother. However, maybe her mother would make that difficult by means of brainwashing and bad mouthing her to her siblings.

There is a lot to think about and consider hence why I am only thinking about the formal adoption part now after five years. She is currently staying with my mum and her 'Gran' tonight who will take her to school tomorrow.

I would like in that case for DD1 to become her legal Guardian. However, of course that means talking to a lawyer, would that mean she would take over the SGO if we chose that way forward rather than an adoption

I think you’re missing the point that as a foster cared you don’t have any rights to make those decisions. The local authority are her corporate parent holding joint responsibility with her mum. Your rights extend as far as you need to provide care for her. You also don’t have the power to decide to adopt her, that decision will be made by the Courts if the local author think it’s in her best interests.

Has a decision been made about permanence planning for her, is it intended that she remains in foster care until adulthood or is there the hope that she’ll be reunified with her family? Until you know her legal status discussion about SGO or adoption are pretty pointless, because it’s not your decision.

Of course she loves her mum, most care experienced children do regardless of what went before. You can leave her whatever you like in your will, it’s a lovely gesture and may make a huge difference in her life.

The child has lived with the op for over 5 years, living 'as her daughter' - does a different piece of paper really change things that much?

It really does, the child can be removed at any point either to another foster placement or back to her birth family. The legal differences are really quite significant.

the foster daughter might decide to give her mother money, notwithstanding any legal claims. She’s simply not in the same position as the OP’s legal children and it causes difficulties to pretend she is.

Speak to a solicitor. The adoption process is much harder and more uncertain. A more rigorous assessment, you have to be approved by the Agency Decision Maker, etc. Your FD’s mum may very understandably object because she will lose parental responsibility.

But, as a foster carer who has had your FD in placement to 5 years, you already have the right to make a court application for a SGO. The assessment period is around 12 weeks. The mum doesn’t lose parental responsibility so less likely to object so strongly. You get parental responsibility and also some financial support for the placement. It’s loads better. If you die, you can say in your will that your adult daughter should care for your FD. She would automatically get the SGO transferred however.