To include my Foster Daughter on my will as my 12 year old adopted son is obviously included

[Coldcaller]

I have two grown up daughters 29 and 27 who are both teachers and I have one 14 year old Foster daughter and a 12 year old adopted son. My foster daughter has lived with us since she was 9 and is dearly loved by us all. I cannot see her leaving us until at the earliest she finishes University (if ever) . She is a quite remarkable young lady that despite the fact of coming to us from difficult situations regarding her family situation still passed her 11+ and is thriving at her grammar school. It is both her and our strongest wish that she carries on living with us to at least she finishes University but she will always be my third daughter whatever happens.

Currently she has a terrible relationship with her birth mother and can not be with her for more than thirty minutes before she leaves in tears. I wait outside her mothers house, because she refuses to go and see her mother unless she can escape quickly. The last three times she has come out and ran straight in to my arms absolutely devastated telling me who she loathes her. Foster daughter has two siblings a 11 year old Sister and a 9 year old Brother who live with her. The other kids have been brainwashed by the mother to say such things as she is a 'Snob' and that they are not good enough for her. Hence, why she lives with us in a comfortable financially well off and loving family.

I have recently instructed my Solicitor to divide everything four ways rather than three ways . I believe i should have done this sooner I know it will be easier if she was Adopted by me this is a conversation I need to have with her.

Wouldn’t automatically get the SGO transferred, I mean

It's probably even more unfair that she is penalised because she can't be adopted.
OP I think this is the right thing to do.
I would have a very open conversation with your older children first and explain what you plan to do so they know in advance. Be open and honest and listen to any grievances they may have.

Again OP, have you discussed your plans with your supervising social worker? Rather than MN?

I will be contacting FD's Social Worker tomorrow morning and asking for a meeting regarding best interests/ outcomes for FD. I would hope that after five years Social Services and the Courts would support me in assuming that my care rather than any care her mother is in FD's best interests. An example is how far she has already come in her schooling. One of the reasons she was taken from her mother was she was often not going to school she had less 50% attendance in years 3 and 4. Due to Intensive tutoring over 18 months from DD 1 and other tutors FD managed to pass the 11+. Other areas where she has excelled due to the care of my family is that she is now a very confident teenage girl with excellent prospects. This from a 9 year old girl who would just shake with fear and constantly hang on to me . She was frightened to talk to anybody and at times barely eat food . it has been a long five years with issues but due to her indefatigable effort we have achieved miracles . How many children in care are in a grammar school, especially ones with less than 50% attendance and a birth mother who thinks education is pointless !

At present Foster Daughter has a staying put arrangement that covers up to the age of 21 this is especially relevant because it is all our intentions that FD gets to University. It is highly likely she will get to University as all her current target grades for GCSE's are 7-9 . I understand that after the age of 18 a Staying put arrangement means i will no longer be a Foster Carer. Obviously I would because she is always going to be my Daughter. This is another reason why Adoption is my preferred option because it would give FD certainly as to where still stands.

I would hope that after five years Social Services and the Courts would support me in assuming that my care rather than any care her mother is in FD's best interests.

It’s difficult with children in long term foster care, to be honest I’d have expected a permanence decision to already have been made after 5 years. That doesn’t necessarily mean adoption for older children but permanent foster care or a SGO. Her mum still has parental rights presumably so the local authority would need to show that there is no chance of successful rehabilitation back to her mum - given she has care of her other children that might be tricky to prove. It could be argued that unsettling her now would be unreasonable but that doesn’t necessarily mean there needs to be any change in her legal status if the current arrangements work for her.

I guess what I’m saying is, if everything is going ok just now, this might not be a cage you want to rattle. You clearly have worked hard to settle this young person and it’s understandable you’d want her status with you to be more secure, have a chat with social work and see what their thinking is.

I have just seen that they is a lot of support post 18! It was my 'naive; intention to fully fund FD and Son through University . DD 1 and DD are fortunate in not having any student debt as all their fees and lodgings were paid by DH and me.

I have not asked Social Services or the local Council so did not know about. Son has been at a Private school since 4 . Therefore support available for care leavers at University or Council tax rebates is not a regular conversation.

DD 1 and DD 2 .

Just stopping by to say thank goodness for people like you OP. The relationship your foster daughter has with you and the rest of your family is precious beyond words. How lucky you all are to have found each other.

There are different provisions for care experienced (in local authority care at any point) and care leavers (leaving a care placement between 16 and 25), it may be in your fosterlings interests to remain in care, remain with you under “staying put” and access leaving care support when she finishes university.

You don't think it's fair that a child brought up in a family is treated differently to the other children just because forms haven't been filled in/ the court hasn't issued a piece of paper? Put yourself in her shoes and think again about what's fair.

But YOUR social worker OP. Not the foster child’s. You have one as a foster carer to support you and discuss issues?

I have spoken to my Social Worker which has been highlighted, she is potentially supportive about Adoption or an SGO which can be obtained quite quickly. The Social Worker h indicated that Adoption is potentially complex and could take a significant time. FD's mother could be a stumbling block and cause problems here just to be difficult. Surely a mother should act in the best interests of their child and not out of spite or jealousy.

FD's situation needs to be analysed, Adopt SGO or the current holding position which has been mentioned upfront. The current position of FD as a Foster Child for instance would likely help with Contextual offers to Oxford or Cambridge which i know FD has her eye on.

Secondly we are a financially very well off family so if she was formally Adopted before University, would bursaries and other contextual benefits she is currently entitled to become void.

The social worker did say it that is possible an 19 year old could be Adopted so after she had started University . However, it is very difficult because the application must come before they are 18. All in all I think as a family we have a lot to discuss and think about.

@Coldcaller

You obviously have a lot of issues to think about.
Just a couple of things to add, I know a family with birth, adopted and foster children. They adopted a long term foster child when he was 14, so while its rare, it can happen, but a lot obviously depends on the birth mum.

My adopted son went to university this September - he had a contextual offer. I would check the Oxbridge policies, as it may be as broad as care experienced, not simply fostered at the time.

good luck

FD's mother could be a stumbling block and cause problems here just to be difficult. Surely a mother should act in the best interests of their child and not out of spite or jealousy.

Think about how easily you’d give up one of your children, and come back and answer that question.

Just because her mum isn’t able to parent her doesn’t mean she doesn’t have love for her, this is a child not a favourite toy. The issues around children being removed, parental rights being removed and adoption are many and complicated.

There’s a huge amount of shame attached to parents whose children are adopted, which you may think is warranted but I think indicates a simplistic view - you may be able to provide a fantastic life for this child, but we don’t just give children to people because we think they’d be better parents. Her mum has every right to fight for her, and actually the process of doing so may make all the difference to how she processes that loss.

I agree.
Something about the OP’s attitude could be improved. The child will always be linked to her birth family - and shouldn’t be alienated from her siblings.

What difference does a signature on a piece of paper make?

You’re lovely. I wish I could give you a bloody big hug, and I’m not even exaggerating.

Thank You BrightGreenMoonBuggy

Jelly and Coughingdodger I understand that FD's birth mother might indeed be ashamed that she was not able to bring her up correctly. I also feel pity for a mother who can not appropriately care for her own daughter, that has got to be an appalling thing and yes I would not have been able to breathe if one of my children had been taken away from me.

You have a lovely family.

For your foster daughter, her inclusion in your will is far more than just money- it’s you telling her that she belongs in your family equally.

I agree. I don't understand why OP posted, maybe she just wanted to hear how lovely she is?

yes I would not have been able to breathe if one of my children had been taken away from me.

And yet you describe her as jealous and spiteful, not really considering that seeing her child have an immensely privileged life, that she couldn’t give her, might be incredibly hard for her.

You are starting to sound a little unhinged op.
If your daughters want to split that inheritance with her then who on earth is opposing that? You? Because there really seems no issue unless you have a problem with it. You need to be seen as a martyr/rescuer and you don't like the idea of relinquishing your control via money after your death?

Of course her mother doesn't want you to adopt her child. There is no need, everything is working as well as it can now, but you seem to want full control over someone else's child? Only the courts can decide that based on the evidence presented (and your evidence won't count because you are the absolutely least important person in this process) I'm surprised your SW hasn't pointed this out to you.