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AIBU?

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Original poster

To include my Foster Daughter on my will as my 12 year old adopted son is obviously included

83 replies

Coldcaller · 04/11/2023 22:44

I have two grown up daughters 29 and 27 who are both teachers and I have one 14 year old Foster daughter and a 12 year old adopted son. My foster daughter has lived with us since she was 9 and is dearly loved by us all. I cannot see her leaving us until at the earliest she finishes University (if ever) . She is a quite remarkable young lady that despite the fact of coming to us from difficult situations regarding her family situation still passed her 11+ and is thriving at her grammar school. It is both her and our strongest wish that she carries on living with us to at least she finishes University but she will always be my third daughter whatever happens.

Currently she has a terrible relationship with her birth mother and can not be with her for more than thirty minutes before she leaves in tears. I wait outside her mothers house, because she refuses to go and see her mother unless she can escape quickly. The last three times she has come out and ran straight in to my arms absolutely devastated telling me who she loathes her. Foster daughter has two siblings a 11 year old Sister and a 9 year old Brother who live with her. The other kids have been brainwashed by the mother to say such things as she is a 'Snob' and that they are not good enough for her. Hence, why she lives with us in a comfortable financially well off and loving family.

I have recently instructed my Solicitor to divide everything four ways rather than three ways . I believe i should have done this sooner I know it will be easier if she was Adopted by me this is a conversation I need to have with her.

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 04/11/2023 22:46

You could leave everything to the cats charity if you wanted to. If you want to split it four ways then you can do so. It won't be easier or harder because she isn't adopted

StarDolphins · 04/11/2023 22:47

This is lovely & I would do the same. What a lucky girl she is & she sounds lovely too.

Ducksinthebath · 04/11/2023 22:48

You sound lovely. I think you should do exactly as you say.

Sundaefraise · 04/11/2023 22:49

You sound lovely, she sounds lovely - crack on.

theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 22:49

Of course - you have 4 children so that would be natural.

I hope you can adopt her

WHALESURPRISE · 04/11/2023 22:49

Sounds like adopting her would be a lovely way to make your relationship official

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 04/11/2023 22:49

I don't think it's fair. By all means leave her something but I don't think it should be an equal split with your other (legal) children. If she was to be adopted that would be different.

Soggydog · 04/11/2023 22:50

I would suggest you leave it in trust to protect her from being manipulated by any of her birth family to use it in a way that doesn't benefit her. And is great evidence to her how you see her.

SirWalterElliot · 04/11/2023 22:50

Sounds great. I would probably tell your older two daughters about the change too, just to avoid potential future drama.

theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 22:50

(I just mean I hope you can adopt her as that would be nice for you both. You can leave her an equal share in your Will regardless)

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 04/11/2023 22:50

I think it's a really wonderful thing to do and really shows your commitment to her. I have seen other foster carers do similar for children they care for long term and I think it really shows their love for the child. Would you consider an SGO for her given the level of commitment you have to her?

theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 22:51

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 04/11/2023 22:49

I don't think it's fair. By all means leave her something but I don't think it should be an equal split with your other (legal) children. If she was to be adopted that would be different.

🙄

VintageTuppence · 04/11/2023 22:52

I would discuss it (tell) your adult daughters what you will be doing. I know that’s not necessary and it sounds like it won’t be a problem with them but when people are grieving unexpected dramas happen.

Soggydog · 04/11/2023 22:52

@ProvisionsOnTheDock genuinely interested why you think it isn't fair? The poster would adopt her but presumably is unable to as the birth parent would object.

Fizzadora · 04/11/2023 22:53

As long as she is named properly in your will and not referred to as your foster daughter there is no problem with you leaving a part of your estate to her.
Be aware though that your relationship may change over the years and if you died before your foster daughter attained 18 she would likely be placed with another family.
Make sure you appoint a suitable guardian for your adopted son in case you die before he attains 18.
I see no reason for any of your beneficiaries to be aware of the contents of your will.

Wasywasydoodah · 04/11/2023 22:55

have you thought about applying for a special guardianship order for her? Easier to get than an adoption but with many of the same benefits

GiantCheeseMonster · 04/11/2023 22:56

I work with looked-after children and have never heard of a teenager being adopted. What is the plan for permanence for her, presumably long-term fostering? An SGO would be a more realistic option.

Why is she still having contact if it distresses her so much? What does her social worker say about it and can this be reviewed? It should be in place to suit the wishes and needs of the child, not the birth parent. Parents do not have an automatic right to contact if it is not in the child’s interests.

IfIcouldchooseagain · 04/11/2023 22:57

Soggydog · 04/11/2023 22:50

I would suggest you leave it in trust to protect her from being manipulated by any of her birth family to use it in a way that doesn't benefit her. And is great evidence to her how you see her.

Excellent advice here. If her birth family are already jealous and nasty to her then once she inherits some actual money they could put a lot of pressure on her to give them money. Protect her from that with a trust.

Maddy70 · 04/11/2023 22:58

My foster daughter is as much my child as my biological children. She has an equal share

Original poster
Coldcaller · 04/11/2023 23:03

An (SGO) Special Guardianship Order could be a middle ground solution in that it would enable her mother some rights. Ultimately her mothers rights would have to agree with my wishes.

I think Foster daughter would want to be adopted by me, i have not asked her yet because i think it is huge decision for a young girl to make. She is currently in year 10 which is a very busy time for her but perhaps it is better for her to think about what she wants now than next year.

Both daughters are the ones who have been on my back about adopting her and putting her on the will. My eldest daughter is her English teacher which is quite remarkable .

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 04/11/2023 23:09

I don't know why you brought it up. Your children agree with this and you are bringing up this girl as your own. What's the question? I know that you come out of this very well and it's obviously hard work bringing up foster children but there isn't an issue is there?

dcadmamagain · 04/11/2023 23:11

Please make sure that her portion is put in a trust or managed by someone else ( solicitor will be able to advise ) so that if you die while she is still young her birth family can’t get their hands on it.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 04/11/2023 23:15

I would adopt her. Then update the will.

NotaCoolMum · 04/11/2023 23:17

You are a beautiful person 💖💖💖

TentChristmas · 04/11/2023 23:17

@Coldcaller yoi sound lovely as do all your children. Of course she’s your daughter and should be included in your will. Maybe she’s waiting for you to bring it up about adoption as she doesn’t want to risk brining it up and being turned down? It sounds like having contact with her birth family is harming her not helping.

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