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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To question rich child/average child friendship

134 replies

FireworksAreFantastic · 04/11/2023 19:23

We are average.
Average careers.
Average income.
Smaller (much smaller ....meaning TINY) than average house.
DS aged 12 is a gorgeous boy. Bright. Funny. Intelligent. Lovely. Kind. Sociable. Active. Loves going out on his bike.
Goes to the local comp which hasn't got a great reputation.
He's been biking on his own a lot down this certain area through the countryside and keeps bumping in to another kid the same age who's also out on his bike in the same area.
Today they got talking.
Other kid lives in a gigantic double fronted detached listed building surrounded by lakes and land, and attends a public school an hour away.
We live 10 min drive away in a tiny weeny semi in a tiny close with a tiny back patio.
My DS and this kid seem to have a connection and want to swap numbers to meet up and go biking together.
Can it work???
If you send your DC to a public school and live in a country pad, would you be OK with them hanging out with a kid from the local comp who lives in a house so small it's cramped?!

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 04/11/2023 19:38

It sounds like they don't have a problem.
Don't create one.

Kids generally don't care about this shit unless the adults around them have taught them to.

DoubleHelix79 · 04/11/2023 19:38

DH grew up in modest circumstances but has some friends he made at school whose families were much, much wealthier. He's still friends with them in his 40s.

DigitalGoat · 04/11/2023 19:43

Going against the grain here but I know what you mean OP. We live in the smallest house on a housing estate and all DCs friends tended to be better off than us and used to having bigger gardens, less cramped homes etc. I remember one of them (probably aged 9 or so) looking around and observing "You're quite poor, aren't you?".

He's now 21 and still friends with DS and I laugh about it these days, but I can't deny it stung at the time.

RandomUsernameHere · 04/11/2023 19:43

Of course they can be friends! Especially as it sounds like they have a shared passion. I think it's lovely that they met while out on their bikes.

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 04/11/2023 19:47

One of my best friend’s from uni is from a very wealthy family. She went to boarding school, her parents gave us a very substantial deposit for a house (more than another friend at uni bought his house in Hull for). Her parents have a large house in the Home Counties. When we were first year students she went shopping at FCUK. The only time I have literally ever stepped in FCUK is with her.

I grew up in a single parent household in a suburb of a NW town. I had maximum bursaries for uni because my mum’s income was low. My friend still came to stay at my mum’s. She made a fuss of my mum’s dog. We’re still close 15 years later.

ditalini · 04/11/2023 19:48

Ds1 was really good friends for a while with the child of a member of an extremely-successful-household-name band.

Friend lived between his amicably divorced parents' massive townhouses, ds1 in our very modest flat.

Days out, sleepovers, birthdays etc etc - all completely normal.

Friend had better tech, brands, holidays to cool places they were touring, but it didn't in any way affect or influence the friendship. They grew apart after a few years because they had different interests and wider friendship groups, not because of parental income.

mondaytosunday · 04/11/2023 19:55

You cannot be serious. I have friends a lot wealthier and those who are overdrawn at the end of every month. With kids it matters even less.

persisted · 04/11/2023 19:56

The man I married is from a very posh background. Lots of money, travel, private school, opportunities..
I had none of those things, a childhood in an overcrowded 3 bed semi and a very bog standard comp. He's managed to put up with me and oik family for more than 20 years 😂

Bemyclementine · 04/11/2023 19:57

@RMNofTikTok the mum is lovely, I don't know the dad, but I do know they "came from nothing", I think he has done very well for himself. Conversely, I have done badly for myself. I love my house, and if it was up to standard it wouldn't bother me. But it's not, and I don't have the money to improve it. That's what bothers me. (Carpets need replacing, peeling wall paper, bare plaster etc)

78Summer · 04/11/2023 19:59

One of my best friends comes from old money and is wonderful. I would not do a voucher meal deal with her on an evening out as with most of my friends, but jokes aside I cherish every year of our friendship.

Hooplahooping · 04/11/2023 20:00

l I’m sorry this is stressing you! My husband + my brother both went to boarding school - which means you live so far away from your friends in the holidays. Their ‘home friends’ who went to other schools or local schools were and are still SO important to them.

although this kid sound like his parents are the wealthier end of the spectrum - even at public school there are plenty of kids who have ‘normal’ houses because their parents spend all their money on school!

1000000% let your son do nice, screen free, outdoors adventuring with another local kid he enjoys spending time with.

RMNofTikTok · 04/11/2023 20:00

Bemyclementine · 04/11/2023 19:57

@RMNofTikTok the mum is lovely, I don't know the dad, but I do know they "came from nothing", I think he has done very well for himself. Conversely, I have done badly for myself. I love my house, and if it was up to standard it wouldn't bother me. But it's not, and I don't have the money to improve it. That's what bothers me. (Carpets need replacing, peeling wall paper, bare plaster etc)

Wealth is usually accumulated through luck of birth parents or luck of wealth opportunities. You shouldn't feel embarrassed. My friend is mega rich, and this afternoon he lobbed a pack of donuts at me and sat in my lounge scoffing a pot noodle 😂 he doesn't give a shit that I live in a 2 bedroom semi. And I'm sure your friends don't either 😁

Whattodo112222 · 04/11/2023 20:02

God, I'm a single parent in a two bedroom cottage. It's clean, cosy, and our home.. anyone who judged wouldn't be our friends.

My daughters mates love coming to our house!

Don't put your hang ups and insecurity on your kid.

Chalkdowns · 04/11/2023 20:06

Oh my goodness this is so sad

alchemisty · 04/11/2023 20:09

YABU, kids don't care at all. I'd watch out though for internalised snobbery from adults in his life that he may pass on to your son.

For context I went to an expensive primary and secondary school (I didn't really know it was expensive then) as someone from an average family, and 99% of my classmates were so fun and wonderful to be friends with. Different backgrounds weren't a factor at all.

However I also became close friends with this girl with a huge house and posh parents. She would say horribly snobby things, always put down my house and family, etc... Being an impressionable child, I really came to believe that my family and I were inferior. Now, looking back as an adult, I realise that so many of the nice normal kids who didn't ever mention status were a million times wealthier and posher than her! I don't blame her as I think she was just repeating what her parents were saying, but anyway watch out for that without being overly paranoid (and don't bring it up first around your son).

Countdowntowhat · 04/11/2023 20:18

Wow. Just wow. Would you stop your son being friends with someone who lives in a council house? Or if their parents were ill so lived on benefits? No? Then why assume this friendship can’t work just because this time you’re not the richer one in the friendship?

You and me could never be friends but hopefully your son will have a noce time with this boy who he clearly has loads in common with.

SpringingJoy · 04/11/2023 20:19

Our school is quite unusual I think. Semi rural, very high performing but with an absolutely massive catchment...which encompasses a very large council estate but extends all the way to the coast and also catches massive coastal mansions and farmhouses.

My dcs friends are a mix of both. They have friends in 8 bed country piles, friends in two up, two down council houses and everything in between. It's never caused any issues at all.

NettleTea · 04/11/2023 20:19

My kid is like a previous poster's DD - at a private school on scholarship and bursary, and we live in a council property. We've just had a bunch of his mates here, crammed into his 6ft x 9ft bedroom playing games, then all off out after eating pizzas. They dont care. They are his friend, not his judge and jury

saythatagaintome · 04/11/2023 20:23

OP, what’s this really about?

please don’t pass on your insecurities and doubts and lack of self worth to your poor boy.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/11/2023 20:25

I am from an average family and have a few rich friends (the school I went to) of course it can work well - if they really hit it off it could be great for your son and expand his social network and ambitions etc (not that yours aren't good enough but some social connections can be very useful in life)

Torganer · 04/11/2023 20:28

This is really sad. Children can be friends no matter what their socio-economic status, sex, race, religion is.

Ididivfama · 04/11/2023 20:28

You’re already judging this kid on the size of his parents house.

Sunsetmom · 04/11/2023 20:32

It’s sad that u think this way. It doesn’t matter what u have, let them be friends, in fact you should encourage it! Don’t push your insecurities and lack of self worth on to your son!

supersonicginandtonic · 04/11/2023 20:34

My eldest daughter has 2 best friends, friend one lives in local authority housing, mum is a single parent to 3 children, works her ass off cleaning.
Friend twos parents live in a 7'bedroomed country home with pool, parents drive expensive cars.
They are the best of friends. I've recently been away with both mums and we're all really good friends too.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 04/11/2023 20:35

Honestly? I think it will be harder for the other boy. Being at a private school he is likely to live far away from his school friends so will only see them occasionally. Whereas your DS will live closer to his school friends and will see them more often.

That is really the only difference that matters.

Your house, if inviting, is more than sufficient.