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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be wildly upset at the behaviour of my “friends”

121 replies

aussierules2 · 03/11/2023 20:46

I posted a while ago about a strange dynamic with my friend group. There’s about 10 of us. I was super close to them all. Long story short there was one other girl involved who didn’t get invited to everything, only sometimes, and I found her so full of drama and was really draining to be around. Let’s call her P.

At one point, a lot of the friendship group were slagging P off behind her back. Not very nicely. She messed one of the boys around, and everyone said she was full of drama.
P asked me at one point if everything was ok and I was the only one who said something to her face, I said I wasn’t overly happy with how she treated one of the boys. I said it kindly and that I didn’t mean any harm. She had a massive go at me and we fell out.

I still got on amazingly well with my friends, with other people bringing up problems with P. I didn’t really get involved. Suddenly P is being invited to everything, and I stop getting invited.

I announce that I’m going travelling for 6 months, to which barely anyone responded or was even interested. Apart from 2 of the girls, who decided to take me out for a meal to celebrate. None of the others were interested and I was super upset. But, one of the girls in particular was super lovely and said she “really didn’t like” P.

Now here’s where I get upset. I go travelling and suddenly, my “best friend” in the group has blocked me on social media, and a few others unfollowed, including the boy I stuck up for, who is now best friends with P. The lovely girl who took me for a meal has ignored all my messages, and has been posting pictures of her and P, saying “my favourite”. Seeing all this honestly nearly made me cry.

Now I just feel completely worthless, I have no friendship group to go back to and I feel ganged up on. P is now involved with everything and I just know that everyone had so many bad things to say about her behind her back, and they’re all suddenly best friends.

I am finding it all really hard to take :(

OP posts:

Saschka · 04/11/2023 01:08

Block them all - if nothing else it will piss them off that you got in there first, and they can’t see what you are up to. Also better for your MH.

CelestiaNoctis · 04/11/2023 01:11

All you can do is say fuck them and find new friends. You sound like a good, honest person and will find a new group in no time, they don't deserve you. Enjoy your travelling and forget their petty existences.

CelestiaNoctis · 04/11/2023 01:12

Adding, the best revenge is a happy, fulfilled life while they stay behind stuck in the worthless drama.

CantGetDecentNickname · 04/11/2023 01:18

Please try to ignore them and focus on your travels. You will grow as a person with all the new experiences they bring and when you finally return these former friends will appear very childish and you won’t miss them at all.

Coyoacan · 04/11/2023 01:35

People who talk behind their friends' backs are not friends worth having

Fionaville · 04/11/2023 01:51

They sounds like a bunch of two faced dickheads. You're better off without them! Friendships change. I'm still Friends with one girl I knew before I was your age and even we aren't that close anymore. People evolve.
Forget about them, they're dicks. Make new friends, who are more mature and less twatish.

Tighginn · 04/11/2023 03:13

I think after the amount of dramatic friend stories on mn today, everyone should take sometime alone, embrace solitude.

user1492757084 · 04/11/2023 03:16

You are twenty-two.
Join new groups and make new friends with people of all ages - like from an art group, sporting team or book or drama group. Take a night class in a skill you'd like to learn. Ancient crafts are amazing. Volunteer with a local charity. Sell posies of flowers at the local market just tomeet new people.
Make a new adult life.
These old friends are stuck in teenage drama.

pictoosh · 04/11/2023 07:03

To anyone scoffing at how 'childish' this is...it is REALLY upsetting and confidence-destroying to have your entire friendship group turn their back on and reject you without incident or explanation.
I mean it's the sort of incident that shakes you to the core, has you questioning your existence and concluding that there must be something horribly wrong with you to warrant being treated so callously. It takes actual time and experience to recover from something like that.

It doesn't matter if you're 22 or 52...feckless social groups of insecure people can and will behave this way. It's not childish...it's cunts, cunts who seek to float themselves by sinking someone else. They exist, they span the life stages and they cause pain.

TammyJones · 04/11/2023 07:08

The hills are that way >>>>>
Run and don't look back.
They will all fall out with P again.
Or pick on someone else ....don't let it be you.

LoudSnoringDog · 04/11/2023 07:20

I would block every single one of them. You can guarantee that at least one of them will still be following you to see what you are up to on your travels. Block them all so you make a fresh new start.
go travelling, you will make a whole heap of new friends who are without a doubt more mature.

I thought you was going to say you were all 16/17 when a previous poster asked how old you all were. Draw a line under this drama and move on

Wonderfulz · 04/11/2023 07:23

This must be so upsetting. Horrid that not one person has discussed what’s happening with you. It really highlights that they are not good close friends and far from lovely. Real friends do not treat real friends like this. Focus on traveling and developing new more meaningful relationships with other people. Give them a wide birth for your own sanity

Hibiscrubbed · 04/11/2023 07:53

HanarCantWearSweaters · 03/11/2023 21:01

You posted about this recently didn’t you OP? I think the advice you got that time was wise

This is such a way of silencing the OP, because you clearly think her upset is childish. It’s not. She’s hurt. She was the only one who was honest with P and the other hypocritical backstabbers have cut her adrift for it. It’s shit.

There’s no way you can recall a single actual post from her last thread, so don’t use that to try to shut her down. It only makes you look foolish.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 04/11/2023 08:17

The most painful thing about an event like this is you realise they were never your friends in the first place. It was all an illusion.

While hard to see now, as you travel and time passes, you will see there were none of the things that make a solid friendship in that group. No honesty, no respect, no trust and no love of any sort.

As you reflect back, you'll see they were happy to slag P off while still socialising with her. Red flag number one. Also, I bet there are a lot of what I call 'friendship floaters' in the group. They won't stand up for anyone, have no backbone but just go along with whoever the pack decides is top dog for an easy life. That type of person will never have your back.

Enjoy your travelling, meet new people, try new things. I am sure you will meet some great people travelling.

pictoosh · 04/11/2023 08:42

The truth is that friends who treat you this way hold no value and as such, are no loss.

It comes to you as you get older and more experienced. This experience will leave an indelible mark that will support you in being more choosy about who you spend your free time on in the future. All is not lost, much is gained and being on an adventure is a fortuitous place to be starting out from.
All the best. xx

PinkLemons99 · 04/11/2023 08:53

Hibiscrubbed · 04/11/2023 07:53

There’s no way you can recall a single actual post from her last thread, so don’t use that to try to shut her down. It only makes you look foolish.

Show quote history

You sound about 12 too. Adolescents get into childish spats, take sides and hold grudges. It’s all completely pointless and a waste of energy.

When you grow up, (takes some people much longer), you realise that you don’t need to over analyse every little possible slight and you simply get on with living your own life and leave others to get on with theirs.

pictoosh · 04/11/2023 09:09

"You sound about 12 too. Adolescents get into childish spats, take sides and hold grudges. It’s all completely pointless and a waste of energy."

So too do adults. I work in a staff of around 80, predominantly women (ASN school). I can assure you that plenty of grown ups carry on like that. Some of them are in their 60s. They are pathetic and it is utterly pointless and a waste of energy...but they ARE adults.

This is not a life stage issue...it's a cowards and twats issue.

DisappearingGirl · 04/11/2023 09:35

I agree with a previous poster that this kind of thing is really upsetting and can shake you to your core, whether you are 22 or 52. I've seen several of these posts on here from women of all ages.

I agree with others about leaving them to their own devices for now and enjoying your travels, looking to meet new people etc.

BUT I wouldn't necessarily write off all the individuals in the group. I think people underestimate just how powerful someone like this (drama llama, queen bee, Wendy etc) can be in a friendship group. I think people who are usually nice can end up behaving badly under the influence of someone so socially powerful.

I would take a break from them all while you travel, and take a break from the group altogether. I wouldn't give them or P the satisfaction of any big drama, just withdraw quietly.

But when you get back, I wouldn't rule out getting in touch individually (not as a group) with the nice ones who you were most friendly with, and seeing what happens. It may have all blown over by then. They still behaved badly if course, but it may not be worth losing good friends over. If they are still not being nice at that point, then I agree, sod them.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/11/2023 09:38

Mumsnet is turned up to 11 this morning I see…

Op, you’re not unreasonable for being upset that your friends have treated you badly, despite what the too-cool-to-care cohort might say on here.

Baldieheid · 04/11/2023 10:18

You sound deeply hurt, OP, and you have a perfect right to be. Your friendships aren't as valuable to the others as they are to you. That stings. Makes you wonder if they were ever real friends.

However...

Are you really going to allow it to ruin the fantastic opportunity you've got right now? Travelling. Visiting incredible or even very ordinary places, elsewhere in the world, experiencing different ways of life, different cultures?

Are you really going to let that happen? You'd be daft to...

Even if they decide you're "worthy" of their "friendship" in the future, I doubt you'll trust them again, so focus on yourself and what YOU want.

MoonlitStarryNights · 05/11/2023 06:46

pictoosh · 04/11/2023 07:03

I think you might have just healed a little tiny teeny crack in my heart that’s been there since I was 20 when this happened to me! I got over it but when this thread reminded me of that time, iI noticed it still hurts just a little bit decades later.

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