To be wildly upset at the behaviour of my “friends”

[aussierules2]

I posted a while ago about a strange dynamic with my friend group. There’s about 10 of us. I was super close to them all. Long story short there was one other girl involved who didn’t get invited to everything, only sometimes, and I found her so full of drama and was really draining to be around. Let’s call her P.

At one point, a lot of the friendship group were slagging P off behind her back. Not very nicely. She messed one of the boys around, and everyone said she was full of drama.
P asked me at one point if everything was ok and I was the only one who said something to her face, I said I wasn’t overly happy with how she treated one of the boys. I said it kindly and that I didn’t mean any harm. She had a massive go at me and we fell out.

I still got on amazingly well with my friends, with other people bringing up problems with P. I didn’t really get involved. Suddenly P is being invited to everything, and I stop getting invited.

I announce that I’m going travelling for 6 months, to which barely anyone responded or was even interested. Apart from 2 of the girls, who decided to take me out for a meal to celebrate. None of the others were interested and I was super upset. But, one of the girls in particular was super lovely and said she “really didn’t like” P.

Now here’s where I get upset. I go travelling and suddenly, my “best friend” in the group has blocked me on social media, and a few others unfollowed, including the boy I stuck up for, who is now best friends with P. The lovely girl who took me for a meal has ignored all my messages, and has been posting pictures of her and P, saying “my favourite”. Seeing all this honestly nearly made me cry.

Now I just feel completely worthless, I have no friendship group to go back to and I feel ganged up on. P is now involved with everything and I just know that everyone had so many bad things to say about her behind her back, and they’re all suddenly best friends.

I am finding it all really hard to take :(

Block them all. Live your life and make new friends. They’re probably jealous you’re travelling and they’re at home doing the same shit. You’re 22 and while your feelings are valid, there is still so much time to make friends. I reconnected with an old school friend at 22, she became really good friend and introduced me to my future husband. Are there any friends not part of toxic group you can reach out to when you get back? Or work colleagues etc?

Sounds to me like P has been telling porkies and stirring shit behind your back to get all the others on her side, especially convenient for her now you’ve gone off for 6 months.

Also suspect maybe a bit of jealousy towards you for the fact you’re able to go off travelling - maybe something the rest of them would like to do but don’t have the confidence/money?

Screw the lot of them op! You post pics of yourself having a ball on your travels.

When we are young, our friends are the people we are in proximity to. Over time, as values change and our adult self becomes more developed, we have the chance to make friends based on shared values, ideas, etc. It sounds like it is time to transition away from this friendship group, who sound very immature, and make new friends who will treat you better. Its upsetting but perhaps it gives you a chance to make space in your life for some new people. Take care. And enjoy your travels.

Oh I would just throw the "I don't get why you have all been so nasty to me, you were all slagging p off behind her back while I was the only one who told her the truth " grenade in there and fuck the lost of them off.

Yes it is rough for you right now OP. However it's only a matter of time before trouble starts in the group and P will be at the bottom of it. Then things will blow up and change. It is sad though that the others didn't see through P!

They are probably struggling with jealousy. Please stop worrying about these idiots. You need to unfriend any that you have on social media and concentrate on your travels. I traveled when I was your age and had an amazing time. Please spend this time making incredible memories.

Please do this!

@aussierules2
Go on your trip and enjoy. Within six months, your friend group loyalties and close bonds with likely have reconfigured at least twice before you get back.

A good take away is generally to not verbalize your thoughts about other people's personal relationships. Often , they will resolve their issues and you end up being the person on the outs with both the couple and those who had the good judgment to remain silent.

In any case after 6 months, you should return energized and ready for new interests and possibly new friends.

She is clearly after badmouthing you and making up lies about you behind your back,
Have you anyway of contacting your friends to set the story straight, although if they were good friends they probably wouldn’t have believed her in the first place.

If you do get a chance to set the record straight and they don’t believe you I would cut ties and make new friends,
You have an amazing opportunity to go travelling, don’t let this spoil it, meet as many new people along the way and fully enjoy the experience, you will come back an changed and open minded person, honestly those friends sound like to much drama for me, groups of friends who gossip about each other are not real friends

Really, you are better off without them. They sound very immature and they just seem to like drama.

You sound lovely and will easily make new friends. Enjoy your travelling.

Sadly when they're operating as a group, they're not being friends. Groups can get really dysfunctional if there's someone being a player and then claiming to be victim and creating allegiances and support (and creating enemies or singling out the odd person for exclusion).

I broke away from a large friendship group like that. It was the most dignified and self-loving thing that I could do, I kept my self respect and just made it clear that I'd broken away and felt generally unhappy with all of them. I never specified any details. I moved on.

It takes time to make new friends but you're so young.

You could salvage one to one friendships with them over time probably (when I say time, I mean over the next few years as your lives unfold). If you hear from them individually, keep it light, don't bitch about the others and see if you enjoy their company. You could say a cover all excuse such as 'oh I find groups a bit overwhelming, it's just my personality'.

Agree with this. You are only 22. You have many years ahead of you to make decent friends.

They sound very immature OP and not much fun. Because in groups where everyone is genuinely having a good time together they don't need to create drama and fall outs to occupy themselves.
I wouldn't be surprised if you returned from travelling to find you'd outgrown them anyway as you will have had experiences that will make their behaviour seem very childish by comparison.
Its time to move on OP. There's loads of people out there you will meet and friendships to form where you don't need to worry what's being said about you as soon as you leave the room.

In the nicest possible way, grow up, OP. No one is equally ‘super close’ to ten different people unless they’re the Borg. You stepped out of line, got yourself considered a source of drama, and at this level of superficial friendship, you became the problem, swapped places with P as the excluded one, and then still got annoyed no one responded (on SM?) when you said you were going travelling — now you’re sabotaging a fabulous opportunity to grow and experience wonders by obsessing over who’s following you or not on SM and teenybopper friendship drama from back home.

Where are you? What are you doing? Why isn’t it engaging more of your head than what’s happening in your hometown?

Sorry this has happened to you. It's really distressing.
Social groups are often unstable and feckless. Many of them bond over a common enemy (formerly P, now you) because there's little of substance to glue them together naturally. It's about safety in numbers and fuck all integrity.
There is better out there. x

I agree with PP who advised to treat it like a break up. It sucks and they’ve acted in an immature and hurtful way by not communicating with you. However, thank goodness you found out about who they really are now, and not in 10-15 years time. You’re only 22 and you’re travelling, this is a great time to make new friends - better friends. I went through something not too dissimilar when I was about 20 and I can honestly say it was for the best. I grew as a person and have much better people around me now. I hope you’ll find new, better friends.

It’s sad to say, OP, but I think you’ve had your first experience of a narcissist.
The others in the group will all suffer one by one.
For your own sake read up on the subject. It will help you to understand.

Op, I think most of the posters are pretty much advising you of the same thing so take note and forget about the lot of them ….meaning your so called ‘friends’ of course

I’m not saying you’ve done anything to warrant their behaviour but perhaps could you have been a bit full of it with the travelling thing, you seem to be making a big deal about going away, they might have got sick of hearing about it. When people come back from travelling or ‘gap year’ they tend to bore everyone to tears with the stories, it’s really not that interesting sorry!

You are so young. You have a lifetime ahead of you to make real, MATURE friends, not these silly babies.

This happened to me at around the same age OP. I have moved onward and upward and am much, much better off now.

Remember that the best revenge is to live well. P will reveal herself to be a manipulative bitch eventually but by then you’ll have moved on to better friends and a brighter life. It will be hard to begin with but worth it in the end.

This is the biggest blessing in disguise- enjoy your travels- you should’ve seen the red flags when you watched how they spoke about P behind her back….

you’ll be much better off. Let it go- fair play for being the one to say it to her face: lessons have been learned.

A number of years ago I had a lovely close group of friends - then one let it slip that she had been ‘warned’ off me by one of the group - let’s call her Anne.

Anne and I weren’t close friends but I had done nothing to her. In fact her son had gotten involved in drugs and I had supported her and sought counselling on her behalf.

I was confused when all my friends stopped talking to me one by one and none of the would tell me why. Or even discuss it with me. I was heartbroken.

I know realise this bloody woman had poisoned everyone.

I relocated and 3 years ago in lockdown everyone started making contact again and found over this woman was lying etc and poisoning one person against the next a bloody sociopath- most wanted to reconnect with me and I accepted but I have moved on and have proper friends.

No one wanted to be the bad guy so they've let you take the fall.

how did the friend turn it around and get back in with the group ?

sounds like something like the plot of the film bridesmaids