To be wildly upset at the behaviour of my “friends”

[aussierules2]

I posted a while ago about a strange dynamic with my friend group. There’s about 10 of us. I was super close to them all. Long story short there was one other girl involved who didn’t get invited to everything, only sometimes, and I found her so full of drama and was really draining to be around. Let’s call her P.

At one point, a lot of the friendship group were slagging P off behind her back. Not very nicely. She messed one of the boys around, and everyone said she was full of drama.
P asked me at one point if everything was ok and I was the only one who said something to her face, I said I wasn’t overly happy with how she treated one of the boys. I said it kindly and that I didn’t mean any harm. She had a massive go at me and we fell out.

I still got on amazingly well with my friends, with other people bringing up problems with P. I didn’t really get involved. Suddenly P is being invited to everything, and I stop getting invited.

I announce that I’m going travelling for 6 months, to which barely anyone responded or was even interested. Apart from 2 of the girls, who decided to take me out for a meal to celebrate. None of the others were interested and I was super upset. But, one of the girls in particular was super lovely and said she “really didn’t like” P.

Now here’s where I get upset. I go travelling and suddenly, my “best friend” in the group has blocked me on social media, and a few others unfollowed, including the boy I stuck up for, who is now best friends with P. The lovely girl who took me for a meal has ignored all my messages, and has been posting pictures of her and P, saying “my favourite”. Seeing all this honestly nearly made me cry.

Now I just feel completely worthless, I have no friendship group to go back to and I feel ganged up on. P is now involved with everything and I just know that everyone had so many bad things to say about her behind her back, and they’re all suddenly best friends.

I am finding it all really hard to take :(

At your age I did similar and went travelling and my friends made new friends etc when I was away. When I came back it wasn’t the same and I persevered with the friendships half heartedly. I should have walked away. Those friends hurt me repeatedly. My advice to you would be ignore them all have an amazing time. Worry about it when you get home. When you go home, it may not feel like home anymore. Because you have seen so much more of the world. The world is a big place. You will make more friends. Decent friends don’t block each other and talk about each other behind their backs.

@aussierules2 really sorry you are going through this, it’s incredibly difficult and challenging to your sense of self, but you will get through it. Sometimes these things happen to push us out of a comfort zone and move up a level.

If it makes you feel any better, I’ve seen this sort of thing happen many times from the inside and the outside to people who were perfectly lovely.
If you think it through for a bit it might start to make sense. First thing is though, I have to agree with previous posters, these people aren’t very good friends to you or to each other by the sounds of things. You need to let them go gracefully for now I’m afraid. It’s not about justice, it’s more about preserving your dignity and making sure don’t let them get to you.

There are probably a few things going on dynamics wise, for example, you might have broken an unwritten rule by being honest to P, ie maybe it’s okay in your group to complain about people but bringing it to them may be a big no no. If you think about it, they may be sidelining you because their worried about what else you’ll say to her, or anyone else’s face. It will be especially true if you don’t participate in bitching sessions all that much. The other thing I’ve notice over the years is that these sorts of groups like the “nice” “successful” members, but they truly love the people in the group that make them feel better about themselves because their life is a mess or there’s lots of drama around them. People like being around people they feel are in no position to judge them. When someone suspects you might be a nicer/kinder/prettier/better person than them, they might want to take you down, because they worry you look down on them.

Karma is a bitch. Sorry but you need to make new friends. P has outwitted you.

Just enjoy your travelling make new friends and forget them. They are small town friends from your past. Move on

They're not you're friends. You're young but this is high school behaviour. Block the lot of them.

Take every further jab as validation that you are better off out of that. Now you're free to make better friends who won't do this to you, while they remain trapped in an unhealthy friendship group.

It hurts like hell, but so do lots of big change moments in life that end up being for the better.

People who talk about other people behind their backs are not people you can ever trust. You saw that side of them when it was directed at P. Now it is directed at you. You shouldn't be surprised. This is who they are. Move on and find better quality friends.

@Startagainjanuary

you sound about as silly and childish as the people OP is talking about,
She hasn’t been outwitted she was just involved with a nasty / silly / gossipy group of idiots who she is much better without.
She quite young and hasn’t been fortunate enough yet to make a solid group of intelligent friends, you live and learn

You have to get to a point where you dont care what they think - you know the truth of what happened, and one day P will piss them all off again. They may or may not remember what happened with you, but by that point you will have moved on and have other, actual friends

OP it’s like you’re all 14.

It’s crazy behaviour as adults, leave them behind, enjoy your travels, you will mature and have fun. Make new friends when you get back.

huge hugs I've been on the receiving end if this before. It is deeply unpleasant - especially as it seems to come out if nowhere. You will be ok, but it is normal to be upset. Try and enjoy what you are doing. Look forwards to new adventures and better friends.

Enjoy your travelling! Forget the friends!

I remember your earlier post. You are travelling with your boyfriend, right? Have fun with him, make new friends, explore the world!
This is a great opportunity for you, and not the time to be thinking about drama from home.

All my best wishes to you!

Ah you ooor thing, that’s so rubbish. It really bloody hurts being dropped like that by people you though were your friends especially when you’ve really not done anything wrong. Do try your best to put them from you mind and enjoy your travels.

Go traveling, have fabulous experiences, meet new people and leave those petty arseholes behind. They are really not worth it.

Great post. It's often true. Time to move on, OP.

They all turned on P, now it's your turn.
It'll be someone else's turn soon.
My advice is enjoy your trip and downgrade them in your mind from friends to people you know.

Don't let a bunch of immature two faced idiots ruin your travels. Don't let them be what you focus on when you have all these amazing experiences to enjoy instead.

Imagine you were given a box of chocolate in the post. It was left out in the sun, by your doorstep. It all melted. Then a dog weed on it. And you accidentally trod on it coming out of the house.

Would you still want it? I guess the wee wouldn't get through the box. Probably. And melted, it still tastes kinda ok. Right?

No. You want it the way it was in the shop when you ordered it, but not the way it is now.

These people have shown that they are defective.

You want what you thought they were, not what they actually are.

Sorry to be blunt, but it's part of growing up. Friendships change massively in your early 20's, and you are infinitely better off without those twats in your life. Have a cry, pull up your big girl pants and move on.

Aah bless you, I sympathise.

Sounds to me like you might have a bit of a narcissist / flying monkey situation? Some people really can’t take criticism and will react very badly to any perceived attack, including getting others to side with them based on a load of rubbish usually. I can absolutely promise you if this is the case that the penny will eventually drop. It might take a while, but they will see her for who she is. My advice to you is enjoy your travels, know your self worth, resist the urge to give them a reaction, and wait until the day they come crawling back.

People can just be plain weird!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I had my own "P" who behaved in very similar ways, and friends who pandered to her. It took me years to get away from it, and I then had to wait for others to see her for how she was. Which happened eventually.

Please try to enjoy your travels, don't let this ruin it for you. Have the most incredible time :)

OP I'm so very sorry you're in this situation, it must feel very isolating considering you've really done nothing wrong.

It sounds like you unfortunately maybe have an extremely flaky and not coherent group of friends right now. But you're also so young and free to move on. It may sound difficult but your youth will propel you - it always does.

My sister always seemed to have the greatest social life - London, great career, always out etc. But now she's older she very often, when we meet drink into the night, gets very bitter about what she thought were strong friendships that actually weren't.

Pick your tribe, carefully, and you should be ok. And don't worry about your initial loneliness - it should pass In literally a moment.

I voted YABU because your group of friends sound like a bunch of backstabbing c*&/s and you should not be mourning them. People that bitch about other people to you, will inevitably bitch about you to someone else. so be happy they turfed you out and find some nicer people to hang out with. I am sure you will meet plenty of decent, interesting people in your travels. Time on this earth is limited, choose your friends wisely.

Block them All.
Time for new friends. Do not let these idiots ruin your travels or happiness. They are awful. Hurtful bastards.

You are so young. You have a lifetime ahead of you to make real, MATURE friends

That. I know it feels grim now, but you're on the verge of something amazing. Six months of traveling that will completely change you, and you'll come back so much more mature and with so much more confidence (and lots of new friends).

Imagine how awful it would be if you had to deal with this friendship drama at home for the next six months. Be really glad that you have an 'out' and don't need to see them at all.

I don't have a single friend from when I was 22. Even though, at the time, I thought those friendships were really close and would last forever. There was no falling out in my case, but our lives took different directions, we moved to different areas, and we didn't have Facebook etc to help us keep in touch.

Your life is taking a new direction and you'll meet better friends along the way. Leave that group to self combust, which it will one day. They'll just pick someone else to bitch about and dangle off the edge of the group.

You know this says everything about them and nothing about you, right?

Decent, mature people take much more balanced approach to their friendships. Your "friends" have been cowardly and imbalanced, so no matter how much fun you might have had with them in the past, you can see now that they're not 'quality people' who you can form real, lasting friendships with.

(TBF, you were already getting hints of this from the behind-the-back bitchfests they were having about P, despite keeping her in the friend group.)

You'll come back, you'll get a job, you'll pursue some hobbies and you'll make new friends in no time. Or maybe now that you don't have ties to this group back home, you can be open to see if new friendships evolve where you are, and whether they suit you better than the last lot.