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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School putting parents down

90 replies

user1473671327 · 03/11/2023 17:43

AIBU to think that schools shouldn’t put parents down?

As a parent I am feeling there is more expectation for me to “perform” highly on behalf of my child than for my child to take responsibility.

For background I am a mum of 3 dc (7, 5 & 1) and work 5 days a week during term time as well as my dh who works full time. I leave before anyone in the mornings but finish to do school pick up.

This week I have been “told off” for not reading with my children everyday, for them forgetting their book on 1 day (they have forgotten this all of twice last year) and for forgetting a snack on 1 day (my dd has moved from a snack being provided to me packing it so still getting used to this as she is school dinners). It has been a busy week with start up of the usual clubs, Halloween fun and my birthday and the storm “uproar” all falling this week.

I have, however, managed to pack snacks 4/5 days, read with both my children 2 days and all in the holidays, remember outdoor learning stuff (despite it being cancelled due to weather), put them in the correct uniform everyday including PE days, do my dd’s hair nicely, ship them to their various clubs, pick them up on time, cook dinner, wash clothes/bedding, clean the house, night-toilet train my 5 year old, play with them, entertain and care for a 1 year old AND make sure they are fed nutritional homemade dinners, bath them every night all whilst going to bed happy and at a sensible time (7-7.30pm)…. To me I have done okay.

But it seems that I am failing according to the school and I have been in tears this afternoon feeling like I am a total failure at being a Mum despite my two school age kids being near top of their years.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
stripybluesocks · 03/11/2023 17:46

what do you mean by told off? Probably the teacher just mentioned it in a hurry. Just ignore

WhateverMate · 03/11/2023 17:47

YABU really because it's not down to the teachers to think, "I won't mention the reading or forgetting of the book/snack, because you've done other parental duties at home".

Parenting is tough, but I think you're taking it a little personally to be fair.

WillowCraft · 03/11/2023 17:48

It sounds like you're doing great.

However maybe you are overreacting. A reminder about snacks or reading books doesn't mean you're a failure as a parent. What form did this "putting down" take?

VerticalSausages · 03/11/2023 17:49

I empathise and identify with everything you are saying. Except I wouldn’t take it so much to heart. Just smile and nod and do the best you can.

LuluBlakey1 · 03/11/2023 17:49

Does your DH do anything to take up his 50% of this?

StarlightLime · 03/11/2023 17:49

None of that stuff is "performing highly" on your child's behalf, op?
It's just parenting. No even stellar parenting, just normal.

Nothankyou22 · 03/11/2023 17:52

It is what it is I always say, single working parent with after school clubs elsewhere and I do what I can, sometimes we do it all and other weeks barely a thing.
Eldest in secondary school has 3 apps for parents/homework I’m like 🙄 not sure what’s worst that or the constant parent mails

thistimelastweek · 03/11/2023 17:53

StarlightLime · 03/11/2023 17:49

None of that stuff is "performing highly" on your child's behalf, op?
It's just parenting. No even stellar parenting, just normal.

Yup, and on top of a 5 day a week job it's plain bloody exhausting.

OP, you're doing great.

CheezePleeze · 03/11/2023 17:53

Schools shouldn't be putting parents down at all but you've forgotten to give an example of it?

In what way were you put down?

Luxell934 · 03/11/2023 17:55

How exactly were you told off? I mean did the teacher say these things casually at pick up? "Child A didn't have a snack today and was little bit upset by it" or did the head call you in their office to have an official meeting about it?!

It's more like you were just told these things, but you've perceived it as being told off.

Dweetfidilove · 03/11/2023 17:55

All normal stuff and perfectly reasonable for the teacher to mention as she won’t know what you’ve done, but will think whatever is missing, is in the child’s best interest to do/have.

Better than waiting until that 10 min parents’ evening to dump all their concerns on you.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 03/11/2023 17:58

Some schools can sometimes be a bit officious about their expectations of what you have to do/provide for school for your child. You need to learn to navigate that without taking it personally, and to take it with a pinch of salt when appropriate. It's not 'putting parents down'. It's just asking you to do certain things and reminding you if you don't.

However, it's pretty odd to defensively list the perfectly normal, basic parenting stuff you do, as if you want the school to say 'Oh well, if you're doing all that, then obviously we don't expect you to read to your child or remember their snacks every day as well'. It's your child who needs the snack, not the teachers.

Original poster
user1473671327 · 03/11/2023 17:59

Sorry the putting down is the snide comments I seem to get after anything that is less than perfect.

Before end of term they had 3 days where we had to craft a costume, a vegetable dressed as said costume, a pumpkin carved and a drawing, all told with less than a weeks notice and with a £2+ cost per child..we are financially stretched as many are but that’s another story!
Neither of my dc are particularly creative and when I have allowed them to do it by themselves I’ve had comments about how no effort had been put in..and they have come home really upset and deflated about it.

OP posts:
Pooooochi · 03/11/2023 18:02

Our school doesn't nag about an odd forgotten reading book or snack.

However they would mention it if in a typical week you were only managing to read twice, because it just means they make really slow progress. Just 5-10mins every day makes a huge difference

Pooooochi · 03/11/2023 18:03

The stuff involving costumes and pumpkins sounds overkill.

Is it a private school

WhateverMate · 03/11/2023 18:03

user1473671327 · 03/11/2023 17:59

Sorry the putting down is the snide comments I seem to get after anything that is less than perfect.

Before end of term they had 3 days where we had to craft a costume, a vegetable dressed as said costume, a pumpkin carved and a drawing, all told with less than a weeks notice and with a £2+ cost per child..we are financially stretched as many are but that’s another story!
Neither of my dc are particularly creative and when I have allowed them to do it by themselves I’ve had comments about how no effort had been put in..and they have come home really upset and deflated about it.

YANBU on that score at all but it's a completely different thing to your OP.

Teachers cant win. They either tell you too much or don't tell you enough in some parent's eyes.

Pooooochi · 03/11/2023 18:05

Also how do you know your kids are "near the top of their years"? Schools deliberately make it fucking hard to find out contextual information about kids performance these days.

Fifteenth · 03/11/2023 18:05

Bad luck OP. Don’t let it get you down and better luck next year. Maybe use it as an opportunity to teach DC that their own opinions are the ones that count.

Fifteenth · 03/11/2023 18:05

Pooooochi · 03/11/2023 18:05

Also how do you know your kids are "near the top of their years"? Schools deliberately make it fucking hard to find out contextual information about kids performance these days.

They do. It’s terrible.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 03/11/2023 18:06

user1473671327 · 03/11/2023 17:59

Sorry the putting down is the snide comments I seem to get after anything that is less than perfect.

Before end of term they had 3 days where we had to craft a costume, a vegetable dressed as said costume, a pumpkin carved and a drawing, all told with less than a weeks notice and with a £2+ cost per child..we are financially stretched as many are but that’s another story!
Neither of my dc are particularly creative and when I have allowed them to do it by themselves I’ve had comments about how no effort had been put in..and they have come home really upset and deflated about it.

In that case YANBU at all. Excessive dressing-up days, and creative projects where the good ones have all really been done by the parents, are ridiculous.

JustAMinutePleass · 03/11/2023 18:08

Complain to the Head. Use the examples you provided. State clearly that children should be expected to do their own work and that parents shouldn’t have to step in just because they want naice social media photos. Make sure the governers / trust k now too

Setyoufree · 03/11/2023 18:09

Lots of dressing up days etc. is stressful as a working parent. Carving out 5 mins a day to read with the children, not so much.

Lochness1975 · 03/11/2023 18:14

You are doing just fine! I remember primary all to well and I only had 2 D.C. There is so much to remember on a daily basis, you’ll get into the swing of it.m, as you did last year. As long as they are happy, fed, clean and loved that’s all that matters.

NewPinkJacket · 03/11/2023 18:15

I have, however, managed to pack snacks 4/5 days, read with both my children 2 days and all in the holidays, remember outdoor learning stuff (despite it being cancelled due to weather), put them in the correct uniform everyday including PE days, do my dd’s hair nicely, ship them to their various clubs, pick them up on time, cook dinner, wash clothes/bedding, clean the house, night-toilet train my 5 year old, play with them, entertain and care for a 1 year old AND make sure they are fed nutritional homemade dinners, bath them every night all whilst going to bed happy and at a sensible time (7-7.30pm)…. To me I have done okay.

To me, you sound like a single parent.

You mention your DH, does he ever spend the afternoon in tears over a comment from the teacher?

Original poster
user1473671327 · 03/11/2023 18:15

Thanks all, sounds like I’ve just let it all get on top of me this week. I totally understand all of these things are normal parenting stuff just found it strange to be pulled up on a odd occasion as we are all human 🤷‍♀️

I work in a more deprived school so maybe my eyes are skewed as to expectations in your average primary! I will try harder and try not to take it personally

OP posts:
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