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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School putting parents down

90 replies

user1473671327 · 03/11/2023 17:43

AIBU to think that schools shouldn’t put parents down?

As a parent I am feeling there is more expectation for me to “perform” highly on behalf of my child than for my child to take responsibility.

For background I am a mum of 3 dc (7, 5 & 1) and work 5 days a week during term time as well as my dh who works full time. I leave before anyone in the mornings but finish to do school pick up.

This week I have been “told off” for not reading with my children everyday, for them forgetting their book on 1 day (they have forgotten this all of twice last year) and for forgetting a snack on 1 day (my dd has moved from a snack being provided to me packing it so still getting used to this as she is school dinners). It has been a busy week with start up of the usual clubs, Halloween fun and my birthday and the storm “uproar” all falling this week.

I have, however, managed to pack snacks 4/5 days, read with both my children 2 days and all in the holidays, remember outdoor learning stuff (despite it being cancelled due to weather), put them in the correct uniform everyday including PE days, do my dd’s hair nicely, ship them to their various clubs, pick them up on time, cook dinner, wash clothes/bedding, clean the house, night-toilet train my 5 year old, play with them, entertain and care for a 1 year old AND make sure they are fed nutritional homemade dinners, bath them every night all whilst going to bed happy and at a sensible time (7-7.30pm)…. To me I have done okay.

But it seems that I am failing according to the school and I have been in tears this afternoon feeling like I am a total failure at being a Mum despite my two school age kids being near top of their years.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Shopper727 · 03/11/2023 18:49

Ignore it, we are all human, you aren’t the only parent either surely ‘dh’ can read, pack a snack and remember a book too?

DrCoconut · 03/11/2023 19:18

@LusciousLondoner DS's infant school didn't dress up for world book day. Instead each child took a book into class (own or from school library) to read and/or share.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 03/11/2023 19:26

Someone in Denmark just wrote their PhD on exactly this topic. About the stress put onto parents by school expectations - the app we all have to use was named as a big factor.

LusciousLondoner · 03/11/2023 19:37

DrCoconut · 03/11/2023 19:18

@LusciousLondoner DS's infant school didn't dress up for world book day. Instead each child took a book into class (own or from school library) to read and/or share.

That's a very good idea! By the time they were year 6 mine were reading Agatha Christie and we had to search them for poisons (they mainly tried cleaning products, as long as the container had a skull & crossbones) before heading out as we thought that might not go down well with school.

bendmeoverbackwards · 03/11/2023 19:37

I went to primary school in the 70s/80s and don’t remember any dressing up days or craft projects. No primary school homework at all really. I don’t even remember my mum reading with me. I don’t think any of this shit has any long term educational outcomes. Time to stop with this stuff especially as most families have two working parents these days.

LusciousLondoner · 03/11/2023 19:39

bendmeoverbackwards · 03/11/2023 19:37

We didn't have snacks either, other than in nursery. Tuck shop on a Friday though.

StarlightLime · 03/11/2023 19:41

The snack thing is odd, I agree. Most schools don't allow snacks, let alone enforce them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pixie2015 · 03/11/2023 19:42

I used to send pack of 5 snacks /PE and swimming bag on Monday then didn’t have to think.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 03/11/2023 19:43

Sorry if I've misunderstood this, but reading with your kids twice a week really isn't good enough and will directly impact on them.

Forgetting the odd snack etc. is hardly a hanging offence though. Your husband deserved joint blame.

WillowCraft · 03/11/2023 19:48

Fifteenth · 03/11/2023 18:22

Because degrees, A-levels, GCSEs, secondary school entrance exams are competitions.

OP will want to know how her children are getting on so she can fix any issues early.

Of course children don’t do their best in a vacuum. They do what is expected of them. OP will know what that should be.

I too am impressed OP managed to break through that oppressive wall of silence. Teachers withholding information from children about themselves is so wrong.

Show quote history

They aren't a competition with 29 other children in that particular primary school class though. Teachers are judging children compared to national targets not your local neighbourhood children. Your teacher will tell you whether your child is meeting age related targets . What other children in the class are achieving is completely irrelevant.

rolvus · 03/11/2023 19:53

Pooooochi · 03/11/2023 18:05

Also how do you know your kids are "near the top of their years"? Schools deliberately make it fucking hard to find out contextual information about kids performance these days.

Why do they do that? I've noticed this. It's almost like some crazy secret and you're not allowed to know how your kid is doing throughout primary school, only finding out where they sit when the Year 6 SATs results are released.

WillowCraft · 03/11/2023 20:01

WedRine · 03/11/2023 18:39

Not the purpose of your post, but surely if you work in a deprived area, your expectations should be higher because their education is going to be the key to breaking the cycle of poverty? I hate this view that only middle-class children are expected to succeed whereas you deprived children don't have the home support therefore are not pushed at school.

I think you are taking it to heart too much. You are not prioritising homework and dropped the ball around your child's snack, meant they paid the price for it. You kind of did deserve to be pulled up on it. I'm not saying this is your fault, because you sound like a great mum and I know you are doing your best, but you seem to do as much as I do as a single mum despite the fact that you are not a single mum. Your husband does not get to abstain from parenting because he has a full time job and you wouldn't be dropping the balls from sheer doing too much if your husband did his fair share. I would be using this as an opportunity to reflect on the current domestic roles in the household and whether the perpetuations of toxic gender norms are positive models for your children as well as for your own wellbeing.

Show quote history

My experience is that deprived schools still push the reading but don't bother so much with the pointless stuff such as costumes, models, apps etc.

Anyway children can still be expected to achieve at school without doing any homework at all, the evidence is that homework does not affect educational outcomes at primary level.

tiggergoesbounce · 03/11/2023 20:02

We are finding that, it was worded to us "he was one of the top of the class" but i don't know how the rest of the class are doing 🤣

OP, its not on if the school is upsetting your children over the quality of their fancy dress making skills, but yes reading is important for kids to do daily/very very regularly.

Scirocco · 03/11/2023 20:20

@user1473671327 I'll hold my hand up as another mum who hasn't read with their DC every day this week.

Life happens. Some weeks it's a win if everyone has been fed and has clean clothes. This has been one of those weeks.

Don't let the comments get you upset. Get some rest and then start fresh in the morning.

Fifteenth · 03/11/2023 20:24

rolvus · 03/11/2023 19:53

Show quote history

Because they are the Govt so they can. Power trip.

AnonyLonnymouse · 03/11/2023 20:36

Reading each day needs to be the priority, even if other stuff falls by the wayside.

Apologies, this is not a personal attack and I’m sure your baby is adored by all of you, but I do sigh on other ‘Should I have a third baby?’ MN threads as this is an example of a situation where you are clearly under strain and stretched a little thin. Let alone working full time! I don’t know how you’re doing it. But the things being mentioned by school are important. They aren’t saying them to get at you but because they are there to have your DCs’ best interests at heart.

It is a lot for any set of parents (mums, dads, anyone in a parenting role) to do but obviously it gets harder when you take more on, whether that is a larger family, full time work or anything else that takes up time and energy.

There is a sort of myth that parents (particularly mothers) are infinitely expandable but I don’t think it does anyone any favours.

80skid · 03/11/2023 20:50

Schools can put a massive pressure on to parents, which is most unwelcome and unattainable when both parents work and/or there are other family commitments to consider.

My honest thoughts are to pick the important things to partake in and not give a second thought about the others. Not all kids will partake in all things. One of my kids had 7 dress ups in an 8 week half term, I mean really? Reading ✔️ snacks - do they want snacks? Are they provided? Do they supply toast? Dress ups - pick what they want to do. Maybe have a chat to the other parents and the teaching staff about the unwelcome additional pressure on already pressured parents. Inevitably, the additional burden is placed on mums not dads, but don't start me on that one...

Unitedthebest · 03/11/2023 21:54

Teachers withhold NOTHING about parents own children. Why should they divulge private information about other children…what an abhorrent idea

OttoGraph · 03/11/2023 22:01

I was told at parents evening by the teacher, that if I choose to work then my dd would suffer…

my reply was a very calm

i choose to keep a roof over my child’s head

i was taken straight to the heads office 😂

the head teacher was clearly uncomfortable 🥴

PurpleNebula84 · 03/11/2023 22:08

Having a chat the other day with my daughters teacher about the issues I've been having getting her ready and her tantrums over food/breakfast and apologised for not fitting in reading this week... She replied "sometimes we do life" in a completely non plussed way... I was so grateful. Do what you can and don't take it to heart xx

PurpleNebula84 · 03/11/2023 22:10

And just to add, I only have one child (although a single parent)... I have no clue how people manage with more than one school age child... So kudos xx

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 03/11/2023 22:10

I was told at parents evening by the teacher, that if I choose to work then my dd would suffer…

Wtf? That's a totally unacceptable thing for the teacher to say! Would she have said that to your dd's father? I doubt it...

WillowCraft · 03/11/2023 22:14

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 03/11/2023 22:10

I was told at parents evening by the teacher, that if I choose to work then my dd would suffer…

Wtf? That's a totally unacceptable thing for the teacher to say! Would she have said that to your dd's father? I doubt it...

don't believe everything you read on here....extremely doubt this happened.

OttoGraph · 03/11/2023 22:16

@WillowCraft. I have no reason to lie or make stuff up

curaçao · 03/11/2023 22:17

Well i have to say i dont think reading twice a week, especially with the 5 yo is neatly enough.The craft stuff doesnt matter but reading does

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