School putting parents down

[user1473671327]

AIBU to think that schools shouldn’t put parents down?

As a parent I am feeling there is more expectation for me to “perform” highly on behalf of my child than for my child to take responsibility.

For background I am a mum of 3 dc (7, 5 & 1) and work 5 days a week during term time as well as my dh who works full time. I leave before anyone in the mornings but finish to do school pick up.

This week I have been “told off” for not reading with my children everyday, for them forgetting their book on 1 day (they have forgotten this all of twice last year) and for forgetting a snack on 1 day (my dd has moved from a snack being provided to me packing it so still getting used to this as she is school dinners). It has been a busy week with start up of the usual clubs, Halloween fun and my birthday and the storm “uproar” all falling this week.

I have, however, managed to pack snacks 4/5 days, read with both my children 2 days and all in the holidays, remember outdoor learning stuff (despite it being cancelled due to weather), put them in the correct uniform everyday including PE days, do my dd’s hair nicely, ship them to their various clubs, pick them up on time, cook dinner, wash clothes/bedding, clean the house, night-toilet train my 5 year old, play with them, entertain and care for a 1 year old AND make sure they are fed nutritional homemade dinners, bath them every night all whilst going to bed happy and at a sensible time (7-7.30pm)…. To me I have done okay.

But it seems that I am failing according to the school and I have been in tears this afternoon feeling like I am a total failure at being a Mum despite my two school age kids being near top of their years.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I being unreasonable?

I'm intrigued by both kids being near the top of their years too.
No way the school told you that, op.

Why is it if interest to you where all the other children are at academically? Surely you are only concerned about your own child and if they are achieving their best then that’s it? They aren’t your children…it’s more horrific if it was common knowledge which children were ‘bottom of the class’? 🙈

Because degrees, A-levels, GCSEs, secondary school entrance exams are competitions.

OP will want to know how her children are getting on so she can fix any issues early.

Of course children don’t do their best in a vacuum. They do what is expected of them. OP will know what that should be.

I too am impressed OP managed to break through that oppressive wall of silence. Teachers withholding information from children about themselves is so wrong.

OP will want to know how her children are getting on so she can fix any issues early.

Will she though? Because she's not taken the news her DC aren't reading enough very well.

Some teachers forget how to talk to adults.

Are they actually telling you off though or just giving you a reminder?
I'm on my own with 2DC and work full time, I get a few reminders on the app when we haven't read over night, forgot homework etc...
If you are doing your best, don't take it to heart.
I say this gently, but the things you have listed that you do are the basics that parents do everyday.

On top of full time work, it seems pretty impressive to me.

OP will want to know how her children are getting on so she can fix any issues early
Look how she reacted to being told to remember to do their reading with them... 😬
Any issues with the kids learning is unrelated to how well or badly the other children are doing.

That would annoy me too. If they want to do that sort of thing they can do it in school. Homework should be something the child can do without assistance, needing only supervision and providing the pencil or table to do it on.

I never made a single costume for school, or a medieval fort. On world book day they went in their school uniform carrying a copy of eg Malory Towers/Jennings. They were told to say, if told off, that mummy and daddy worked hard and had a long commute and didn't have time for that nonsense. They grew up untraumatised by this and very assertive!

Exactly. Plus if school are asking you to read with your child doesn’t sound like they’re top at all.

Given that they're near the top of their respective years, it looks like in practice they are reading enough, one way and another.

Honestly, you should remember to give them food to eat at break time every single day.

And reading with them regularly is so powerful and the thing to prioritise, not let fall by the wayside in favour of other chores.

How mean!

Just wait until your 9 year old announces that they NEED to go to school the next day dressed as a Roman Centurion… and they tell you this at bedtime.

If OP works in a school herself, I'm sure she's well able to put two and two together in terms of her children's literacy and numeracy levels etc.

The teachers are telling you their expectations of you as a parent, in order that your children get the best out of life and maximise their potential, that's all. Reading every day as compared to twice a week will make a tremendous difference, it doesn't have to be half an hour each time, 10 or 15 minutes would be fine, surely you could fit that in. That isn't something you can leave up to your children, you have to step up. If you're forgetting snacks etc make a school bag list and put it somewhere easily visible so it will remind you. I don't know many parents that would expect young children to create their own costumes without parental input so if costumes are needed you have to expect to be involved.

You need to grow a thick skin about this sort of thing OP. Schools seem to assume the worst about parents until proven otherwise. If you work at a school in a deprived area you must have some perspective on what effort parents actually put in.
my 2 older DC are at university now so the occasional failure to read a reading book obviously wasn't educationally disastrous.

Bike helmet, pigeon feather and a broom handle

You are doing fine op.

I still remember DD's Y1 teacher telling me off for not reading with her every day. At the time DH was in hospital with a compound fracture of his leg and hip after he was knocked off his bike by a drunk driver. I was working full time and having to keep everything going at home as much as possible with DD and 18 month old DS and visit DH in hospital an hour away.

I cried a lot at work that month and privately marked the teacher down as a bitch. We had told her and the head about the accident so she knew what was going on at home and just decided to put the boot in.

You can only do what you can do so don't beat yourself up.

They should be reading.

Don't sweat it. I used to nod and smile at mine and go on my merry way.

Sorry, it was just the wording the teachers used in the last parent evening which is why I said it. I’m not attacking anyone or anyone else’s children. Kids develop at their own paces and have their own skills and passions. I am happy to intervene where necessary. It is just why it surprised me a little when we had one offish week.

I appreciate I have over reacted and taken it to heart and I am happy to hold my hands up to that wholeheartedly.

I will finish by saying that every parent struggles with different things and when some can be the ultimate super mum, some may struggle with even getting their kids up and out. Please try to keep comments constructive and kind to all, we all have our own battles to face ✌️

Not the purpose of your post, but surely if you work in a deprived area, your expectations should be higher because their education is going to be the key to breaking the cycle of poverty? I hate this view that only middle-class children are expected to succeed whereas you deprived children don't have the home support therefore are not pushed at school.

I think you are taking it to heart too much. You are not prioritising homework and dropped the ball around your child's snack, meant they paid the price for it. You kind of did deserve to be pulled up on it. I'm not saying this is your fault, because you sound like a great mum and I know you are doing your best, but you seem to do as much as I do as a single mum despite the fact that you are not a single mum. Your husband does not get to abstain from parenting because he has a full time job and you wouldn't be dropping the balls from sheer doing too much if your husband did his fair share. I would be using this as an opportunity to reflect on the current domestic roles in the household and whether the perpetuations of toxic gender norms are positive models for your children as well as for your own wellbeing.

Often it just takes one comment when you’re having a bad week and you realise later it wasn’t that bad or perhaps you read too much into it. So I know how you feel. And the admin and things to remember from school is a lot and requirements do pile up. But be assertive. Things like reading and snacks are non negotiable of course but costumes etc not everyone can manage, and definitely not to the same level.