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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I cannot protect my child from her dad's eating disorder?

82 replies

Relly85know · 03/11/2023 15:21

My child has been hiding sweets this week. She's not yet 3 and I had left the pack on the table and my partner saw her tuck it into her coat after eating the one I gave her.
My partner has an eating disorder which I only naively noticed when we started a family/moved in together. His mum has an eating disorder which hasn't been diagnosed either and I just thought if I was very good with food I could break this cycle.
But it turns out at only 2, she's started to pick up bad habits.

Here's some examples of her dad:
After 5 years of cooking him pasta, he's now decided he's never liked it but waits until I cook a family meal and when I put it on the table he says "I won't be eating pasta, I don't like it" queue our child not eating the whole meal.
My partner then blames me because she's obviously been eating "sweets and chocolates" all day so no longer hungry. (We'd had crumpets tbh!) Just before bed she gets some bread and butter because she's starving. Partner then goes on a hoovering rampage because he can see butter everywhere in the bedroom.

Fruit in the bedroom. When I've cut up an apple, my child will follow me upstairs to eat it and I'm pleased because I know if she's gonna choke, I'm right next to her but life gets in the way and sometimes the Apple price is left on a cupboard and when my partner sees it has a meltdown saying how disgusting it is that food is in the bedroom (not like this with any other type of mess).

Keeps changing meal location.
We have a dining table in the kitchen. He's told her it's better to sit on daddy on the sofa then tells her off for making a mess over him/down her. She's two! She's only just learnt where her mouth is!! I say to have food at the table and then sit on the sofa and all he'll breaks loose. After lunch she'll go and sit with daddy with a drink and he changes his mind saying "no food and drinks in here" and our child cries whilst I tell him that he can't keep changing his mind, it's so confusing. He rolls his eyes and says she's only crying because she's eaten cake all day and round and round it goes.

He eats a takeaway after we've eaten even if he's cooked.

He washes up slamming everything if I attempt to offer her food he doesn't want he having - ther week it was salmon (off my plate), she can have fish fingers but no.. Not food that's not done in the oven. She wanted to try it!

Saying she needs to eat more ready meals.
When we go out, our daughter doesn't like most stuff on the menu. Nor does any 2 year old and it's just good she's happy to be out. But my partner keeps going on about getting her to try chips or try burgers because she's never going to manage on meal out if not. Why?! I bring packed lunch for her anyway.

AiBU to think my partners eating disorder is going to effect my daughter? She really doesn't have a chance does she?

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 03/11/2023 15:23

He doesn't have an eating disorder. He's controlling and mean with it.

Pigeonqueen · 03/11/2023 15:25

This doesn’t sound like an eating disorder. This sounds like a grown man being a bully.

PaminaMozart · 03/11/2023 15:26

I agree. He is just a nasty individual.

This won't get any better. You know what you need to do.

Flippingflamingo · 03/11/2023 15:26

What eating disorder does your DH have? Because it doesn’t sound like he has symptoms of any of the recognised ones.

You need to have an actual conversation around food rules. We don’t allow food anywhere other than the dining table. There are very good reasons for not allowing it upstairs and not being happy about finding random slices of apple lying around!

Couldyounot · 03/11/2023 15:29

He only has an eating disorder to the extent that "being a cunt to a toddler" is an eating disorder. Which it isn't, so he doesn't.

SeaBreezeDream · 03/11/2023 15:29

Nothing you have described here suggests an eating disorder

He does though sound like a selfish controlling bully.

WrongSwanson · 03/11/2023 15:31

Pigeonqueen · 03/11/2023 15:25

This doesn’t sound like an eating disorder. This sounds like a grown man being a bully.

Agreed.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 03/11/2023 15:33

He’s just a twat, he doesn’t have an eating disorder.

What disorder do you think he has?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/11/2023 15:35

He clearly has issues. And anxiety about food. But waiting until you have cooked the meal to say he does not like something in it? That is not ED, imo. Your child is already developing anxious behaviour around food - this is a massive problem and likely to get worse. Unless he changes drastically, this will have a very negative effect on your dc.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 03/11/2023 15:36

What do you mean by eating disorder? He just sounds horrible

Chickpea17 · 03/11/2023 15:38

That's not a eating disorder.

ManateeFair · 03/11/2023 15:39

I don't think he has an eating disorder, as such. I think he uses food and eating to control and bully the people around him.

Letting a partner cook you a meal (a meal that you have happily eaten and liked throughout your relationship) then suddenly saying 'I'm not going to eat this, I don't like this food' when that meal is put in front of you is quite a common manipulative/controlling/psychologically abusive behaviour.

He certainly has issues and hangups that relate to food, but that's not the same as an eating disorder and his behaviour is selfish, controlling and deeply unpleasant. He wants his daughter to share his hangups. He's doing this on purpose and he's doing it to undermine you.

My ex-SIL was like this, and one of my nieces (she's now 18 and in full-time work) has been left with some serious and lasting food phobias as a result that she's now working to try to overcome. Her older siblings have all admitted that their mother's behaviour messed up their own eating, and they all admit that it was only from spending time with my side of the family (without their mum present, after she and my brother separated), and from seeing what family meals were like at their friends/boyfriends/girlfriends houses when they were around the 16/17 age bracket, that they learnt more normal food behaviours.

You definitely need to have a serious conversation with your partner, at the very least.

JustAMinutePleass · 03/11/2023 15:39

My DH was doing similar to DS and I stopped cooking for DH immediately and moved meal time to a time when he wasn’t in the house. Now DS eats dinner straight after school and will be in bed by the time DH comes home.

Appleass · 03/11/2023 15:41

Your poor little one, very very confusing for her, he sounds horrible and a bully. Get tough with him now, or its going to be one sad childhood for her!

averylongtimeago · 03/11/2023 15:41

It sounds like he's using food as both a stick to beat you with and a means of controlling you too.

Downright mean to use your child to get at you like this.

He hasn't got an eating disorder, he's got twat disorder.

mynameiscalypso · 03/11/2023 15:41

I have an eating disorder and I'm not an arsehole to my child. He sounds like bully, nothing to do with having an eating disorder (which I don't really see any evidence of here in any event).

LakeTiticaca · 03/11/2023 15:42

Another one agreeing no eating disorders
He'd a twat and a bully .

zeibesaffron · 03/11/2023 15:43

He is a complete twat - you have not said anything in your post that shows he has a recognised disorder- he may have disordered eating but that is not the same!!

He is controlling and being a dick!!

Please do not entertain this your daughter is starting to pick up these habits at 2 unless he changes you need to leave - I cannot stress enough how dangerous this behaviour could be to your toddler!

storminabuttercup · 03/11/2023 15:44

Yup
No eating disorder, he's using food to control. This emotional abuse. I'm so sorry.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 03/11/2023 15:44

That's nothing like an eating disorder but possibly a personality disorder called Cuntivitis.

goldfinchfan · 03/11/2023 15:47

to help your DD and yourself please LTB

MaybeRural · 03/11/2023 15:52

Being a nasty, abusive bully is not an eating disorder OP. Please don’t make excuses for your abusive partner. I feel sorry for you but even sorrier for your poor little daughter 😥

HideousKinky · 03/11/2023 15:52

He's a nasty controlling bully and your examples happen to be about food.

This doesn't make it an eating disorder

EmmaDilemma5 · 03/11/2023 15:53

How do you even live with him? You must feel constantly undermined and uncomfortable. He's treating you and your toddler horribly.

I wonder why you don't recognise his behaviour as poor, have you got a history of abusive relationships? Your standards seem low.

BogRollBOGOF · 03/11/2023 15:53

He just sounds like an unpleasant, critical arsehole rather than having an actual eating disorder.

Giving a child mixed messaging and criticising them for doing what they were told is cruel and damaging to their confidence.