I cannot protect my child from her dad's eating disorder?

[Relly85know]

My child has been hiding sweets this week. She's not yet 3 and I had left the pack on the table and my partner saw her tuck it into her coat after eating the one I gave her.
My partner has an eating disorder which I only naively noticed when we started a family/moved in together. His mum has an eating disorder which hasn't been diagnosed either and I just thought if I was very good with food I could break this cycle.
But it turns out at only 2, she's started to pick up bad habits.

Here's some examples of her dad:
After 5 years of cooking him pasta, he's now decided he's never liked it but waits until I cook a family meal and when I put it on the table he says "I won't be eating pasta, I don't like it" queue our child not eating the whole meal.
My partner then blames me because she's obviously been eating "sweets and chocolates" all day so no longer hungry. (We'd had crumpets tbh!) Just before bed she gets some bread and butter because she's starving. Partner then goes on a hoovering rampage because he can see butter everywhere in the bedroom.

Fruit in the bedroom. When I've cut up an apple, my child will follow me upstairs to eat it and I'm pleased because I know if she's gonna choke, I'm right next to her but life gets in the way and sometimes the Apple price is left on a cupboard and when my partner sees it has a meltdown saying how disgusting it is that food is in the bedroom (not like this with any other type of mess).

Keeps changing meal location.
We have a dining table in the kitchen. He's told her it's better to sit on daddy on the sofa then tells her off for making a mess over him/down her. She's two! She's only just learnt where her mouth is!! I say to have food at the table and then sit on the sofa and all he'll breaks loose. After lunch she'll go and sit with daddy with a drink and he changes his mind saying "no food and drinks in here" and our child cries whilst I tell him that he can't keep changing his mind, it's so confusing. He rolls his eyes and says she's only crying because she's eaten cake all day and round and round it goes.

He eats a takeaway after we've eaten even if he's cooked.

He washes up slamming everything if I attempt to offer her food he doesn't want he having - ther week it was salmon (off my plate), she can have fish fingers but no.. Not food that's not done in the oven. She wanted to try it!

Saying she needs to eat more ready meals.
When we go out, our daughter doesn't like most stuff on the menu. Nor does any 2 year old and it's just good she's happy to be out. But my partner keeps going on about getting her to try chips or try burgers because she's never going to manage on meal out if not. Why?! I bring packed lunch for her anyway.

AiBU to think my partners eating disorder is going to effect my daughter? She really doesn't have a chance does she?

There's a whole bunch of things going on here that you're lumping together as an ED, and are in danger of excusing poor parenting and controlling behaviour by pathologising it.
Undermining your parenting and being unreasonable and inconsistent with his child are nothing to do with disordered eating. Take food out of the equation and imagine the same reactions if we were talking about where DD left toys or sat to play and you get a more accurate perspective.
As for your DD, a two year old hiding sweets to get more than one is a two year old being rather inventive, not a sign of an ED.

hes a wanker. hope that helps. what does he bring to relationship

He’s rampaging, melting down, “all hell is breaking loose”, he’s slamming.

if this is all true, and not exaggerated, it sounds a very dangerous environment to live in let alone raise a child in.

He has an eating disorder.

This has nothing to do with any eating disorder, he just sounds like a massive arse

If you ignore whether its an ED (I don't think it is), is his behaviour acceptable? No. If it is an ED, is he seeking profession support?

What happens when you speak to him about this. Its possible he has some compulsions and obsessions around food and order etc.

However the biggest indicator as to whether this is going to work longterm is if he can recognise the fallout for the rest of the family and that his behaviour needs to change.

@JustAMinutePleass I'm sorry you have to do that. That sounds like you've found a workaround to a bad situation.

OP I hear you, family mealtimes can get really heated. But an eating disorder would be him avoiding eating, and/or then binge eating. He sounds more like he has food anxiety.

My DH is/was very anxious about food - he can't enjoy it if he thinks it's too 'tasty' (e.g. a veg curry made with paste an tomatoes (i.e. non-fat) will be deemed 'unhealthy' vs plain veggies). He doesn't want the kids eating processed food etc. We have worked over the years to come to various agreements so that disagreements aren't played out in front of the kids. Can you sit your DH down when he's in a receptive mood and talk to him about how you think these things are affecting your DD?

That's not an eating disorder, that's an arsehole. He's being controlling and food is the centre of that, that's all. You two need to work out sensible, consistent rules about food. I would also have a talk to him about his behaviour if you are safe to do so.

The eating more ready meals thing (anxiety about bacteria from fresh food perhaps or similar) and butter hoovering thing sound possibly like ocd.

m the eating takeaway after cooking, yes some kind of disordered eating.

His reactions and behaviour (whether because of the above or otherwise = an abusive cunt.

Your partner sounds like he has a serious issue with control and is bullying you and your child.

Your child is already picking up on his behaviour, imagine a 3 year old hiding sweets?

He's passing his hangups with food on to his daughter just as his mum passed her hangups on to him.

I think disordered eating which he might be displaying a bit is not quite the same as an eating disorder.
He does have a problem with food and control if he is eating a meal and then ordering a takeaway afterwards.
Pushing her to eat burgers and chips instead of the healthier options you are providing suggests he knows he has an issue and wants to feel better about himself by making it her issue too.
Your concern is that she is hiding 'bad' food because she also knows it should be restricted to treats but can't control her urge to eat sweets.
The difference is she's two so hasn't learned that control yet so relies on you (and other adults) to set boundaries for her. You husband is not doing that and is potentially actively encouraging her to yearn for treats and to hide them from you setting boundaries. So yes that is an issue with potential long term health consequences for her.
He sounds very challenging with his constant moving the goalposts of what he wants you both to do and that does sound like a MH issue and controlling behaviour.
You are right that messages need to be consistent and clear, and food should not be a big deal but balanced and openly consumed not hidden away. If he can't make these changes it will be very difficult for you to manage.

What eating disorder does he supposedly have?
Sounds like a common type of wanker to me.
Take your child and get as far away from this tosser as possible.

I don’t think he has an eating disorder.

There are obviously issues, there are either learnt behaviour from his mum or ND (possibly OCD).
Its likely that it is both learnt from mum and ND.

There may also be intentional controlling behaviour there too but if his mum is the same then I’m not sure he’s doing it solely to be controlling and I do think there are real issues at play.

This is completely unacceptable though.
Slamming things down because you’re feeding her things?! WTF!

I would speak to him about it and tell him that his behaviour is going to have a real affect on her and that from now on he has absolutely no say when it comes to food.

Tell him that you’ll work together to try and solve this issue and if that means him not eating as a family etc then so be it.

But tell him if he does not attempt to make changes then the relationship is going to have to end (that is going to mean her going to his and having meals so I’d actually try and avoid this until he’s sorted his shit out).

If he agrees and starts again, just ask him if he needs to leave the room, to check himself and his inappropriate behaviour.

I think therapy would be really good for him and perhaps you both, and his reaction to going to therapy and trying to get better will tell you everything you need to know.

If he doesn’t want to get better then this can never work.
If he’s trying to get better by agreeing to therapy or making changes in the home, then perhaps it can work.

That's not an eating disorder, that's being a controlling wanker.

I don't even know your DH but just reading about him makes me feel uncomfortable and sick.
Your child must be really confused around food living with a fruit loop like him.

@Relly85know

Eating disorder or controlling bully, he needs to be gone so your DD can develop healthy eating habits and so you can get some peace.

I wouldn't put up with his shit.

Doesn’t sound at all like he has an eating disorder

You must've left out the part explaining about his eating disorder as all I can see is him being an awkward wanker.

He clearly does have issues with food anxiety. The butter and apple pieces and only giving her food cooked in the oven suggest an OCD type issue.
No idea what the take away is about. Odd. But again could be an OCD ritual.
You need consistent rules about where and when eating is happening imo. I actually wouldn't allow food upstairs and for a 2 year old meals at the table and snacks sat down at table or sofa (depending on the messiness of the snack!).
I would also try to have set meal and snack times so there isn't an issue of her not eating meals as she isn't hungry.
His remarks about cake and chocolate need to stop, as do the undermining about the rules.
And you need to sit down and discuss how he communicates with you and your child because he is coming over poorly. If he does have OCD it is a serious MH condition and having a DS with it it I can tell you that it makes him v unreasonable and angry. Because his head is scrambled. Permanently.
But he has had help. And is improving with CBT. Your DH needs help. If he isn't willing to see that and take some steps (with support) to address it then you really have to question his future in the relationship. For your daughters sake.

You're married to an abuser. Your child and you deserve better. LTB

I hope I'm wrong but I assume your DH's shitty behaviour extends further than just food?

Same question to the OP. Is he controlling, nasty and difficult in other areas?

Are you saying your husband hides sweets and junk food and eats it secretly and that's why your daughter took the sweets and hid them? Personally I'd have thought she just wanted the sweets and didn't want to get in trouble rather than she's following in her fathers (possible) ED.

He doesn't have an eating disorder. He's just not a nice person. Is this the environment you want your child growing up in

Stop making ludicrous excuses for him and leave

He hasn’t got an eating disorder from your description, he’s just a bully.