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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I cannot protect my child from her dad's eating disorder?

82 replies

Relly85know · 03/11/2023 15:21

My child has been hiding sweets this week. She's not yet 3 and I had left the pack on the table and my partner saw her tuck it into her coat after eating the one I gave her.
My partner has an eating disorder which I only naively noticed when we started a family/moved in together. His mum has an eating disorder which hasn't been diagnosed either and I just thought if I was very good with food I could break this cycle.
But it turns out at only 2, she's started to pick up bad habits.

Here's some examples of her dad:
After 5 years of cooking him pasta, he's now decided he's never liked it but waits until I cook a family meal and when I put it on the table he says "I won't be eating pasta, I don't like it" queue our child not eating the whole meal.
My partner then blames me because she's obviously been eating "sweets and chocolates" all day so no longer hungry. (We'd had crumpets tbh!) Just before bed she gets some bread and butter because she's starving. Partner then goes on a hoovering rampage because he can see butter everywhere in the bedroom.

Fruit in the bedroom. When I've cut up an apple, my child will follow me upstairs to eat it and I'm pleased because I know if she's gonna choke, I'm right next to her but life gets in the way and sometimes the Apple price is left on a cupboard and when my partner sees it has a meltdown saying how disgusting it is that food is in the bedroom (not like this with any other type of mess).

Keeps changing meal location.
We have a dining table in the kitchen. He's told her it's better to sit on daddy on the sofa then tells her off for making a mess over him/down her. She's two! She's only just learnt where her mouth is!! I say to have food at the table and then sit on the sofa and all he'll breaks loose. After lunch she'll go and sit with daddy with a drink and he changes his mind saying "no food and drinks in here" and our child cries whilst I tell him that he can't keep changing his mind, it's so confusing. He rolls his eyes and says she's only crying because she's eaten cake all day and round and round it goes.

He eats a takeaway after we've eaten even if he's cooked.

He washes up slamming everything if I attempt to offer her food he doesn't want he having - ther week it was salmon (off my plate), she can have fish fingers but no.. Not food that's not done in the oven. She wanted to try it!

Saying she needs to eat more ready meals.
When we go out, our daughter doesn't like most stuff on the menu. Nor does any 2 year old and it's just good she's happy to be out. But my partner keeps going on about getting her to try chips or try burgers because she's never going to manage on meal out if not. Why?! I bring packed lunch for her anyway.

AiBU to think my partners eating disorder is going to effect my daughter? She really doesn't have a chance does she?

OP posts:
SkyFullofStars1975 · 03/11/2023 17:02

I'm amazed that you've tolerated his behaviour for this long, tbh.

Please don't inflict a lifetime of this onto your DD.

Carouselfish · 03/11/2023 17:31

He sounds neurotic as all hell if that's what you mean. He needs a good telling off when he is like it. You've got to stand up for reason and being sensible and take charge when he is doing stupid things like the changing the rules all the time. Maybe a sit down chat about what the rules will be and write them down on a poster that goes on the wall (pretend it's for her, it's really for him).

icallshade · 03/11/2023 17:45

I'm a bit confused by what eating disorder he's got?
From what you've described hes just being a massive CF and controlling , which is very different to having a diagnosed eating disorder.

misssunshine4040 · 03/11/2023 18:08

What an abusive POS! Get your daughter away from him and protect her

Daffodilsandtuplips · 03/11/2023 18:13

This isn’t an eating disorder, this a deliberate control tactic. He’s a controlling, manipulative bully. Changing any rules he decides to put into place, moving the goal posts when you go along with it to confuse you and the toddler. He’s despicable, I’d look for a way to get you and the little one away from.

Manadou · 03/11/2023 18:13

Couldyounot · 03/11/2023 15:29

He only has an eating disorder to the extent that "being a cunt to a toddler" is an eating disorder. Which it isn't, so he doesn't.

Yes. Divorce. He sounds like a vile creature.

Manadou · 03/11/2023 18:15

Carouselfish · 03/11/2023 17:31

He sounds neurotic as all hell if that's what you mean. He needs a good telling off when he is like it. You've got to stand up for reason and being sensible and take charge when he is doing stupid things like the changing the rules all the time. Maybe a sit down chat about what the rules will be and write them down on a poster that goes on the wall (pretend it's for her, it's really for him).

Are you serious? A 'good telling off'? What about no pocket money for a week? This is a grown man, a father, and by all appearances, a bully. I feel sorry for that kid.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 03/11/2023 18:38

Do you want to be in this relationship? Regardless of the food, is this a happy situation for you?

Nicole1111 · 03/11/2023 18:39

I am beyond confused. So she won’t eat her dinner because she’s been eating processed food, but he’s unhappy she won’t eat rubbish in a restaurant, even though she’s not allowed oven food at home, even though he’s fine to eat a takeaway and actively discourages her from eating something likely to be healthier like pasta? That doesn’t sound like any eating disorder I recognise, more like a hyper critical control disorder. But in answer to your question, no, she doesn’t stand a chance when she’s exposed to that ☹️

SweetFemaleAttitude · 03/11/2023 18:44

It's bordering on psychological abuse. Of a 2 yo. Leave him. Protect your child.

Badatthis · 03/11/2023 18:44

He's obviously controlling.

But also, hoovering up butter?

StarlightLime · 03/11/2023 18:45

How on earth have you deduced eating disorder from that obnoxious behaviour?! He's a complete dick, but he doesn't have an eating disorder.

Lavender14 · 03/11/2023 18:56

Ed usually stem from a need for control and that's a big feature of how they play out.

Tbh it sounds like what you've mentioned is more around control than an actual eating disorder. And truthfully it sounds like he's interfering with your role as a parent by using your child and food in the home to undermine you, to change the goal posts, to cause chaos and tension.

Regardless of the reason- his behaviour is completely unacceptable. He either needs to knock it on the head or he needs to live elsewhere until he's able to be the parent and the partner you need him to be. Your dd deserves to grow up in a home where one parent isn't walking on egg shells, where another isn't acting aggressively and slamming things and where the boundaries are clear because clear boundaries make children feel safe.

Is your home in your name op? Do you have a separate bank account for yourself that you can put money away into? Do you have family support you can lean on if you do turf him out?

You're never going to be able to 'make up' for his toxic parenting while he's still there doing what suits him no matter how hard you try. You're not responsible for him, he is an adult and responsible for himself

Manadou · 03/11/2023 18:58

Badatthis · 03/11/2023 18:44

He's obviously controlling.

But also, hoovering up butter?

My dog-in-law does that.

cestlavielife · 03/11/2023 19:02

Which psychiatrist has diagnosed ED? What treatment is he getting?

Presumably no and none ...

Maybe some kind anxiety but without diagnosis and wanting to be treated your best bet is to leave to protect dd

TheShellBeach · 03/11/2023 19:06

Can you tell us which ED he has?

He just sounds like an abusive POS to me.

Cherrysoup · 03/11/2023 19:11

He’s not got an eating disorder, he’s just a nasty arsehole, changing his mind every second on expectations/rules. Your poor dd. Poor you!

Relly85know · 03/11/2023 19:41

Thank you everyone for your replies. I really do feel like I've let her down after really looking at it from a different perspective.

I always thought it was an eating disorder but now I can see it's much more and is more damaging to our little girl.

I've been sitting down with him most evenings once she's asleep this week in an attempt to put things in place but coming from a trying new foods for littles sort of angle.

It all starts off well but I've told him that I think he needs to acknowledge an eating disorder whereas now I can see he's been a massive bully and whilst I am trying to make eating a nice calm place for a child so that there's less chance of a picky eater, the reality is... she's going to be effected if I don't put a stop to this.

I can definitely put moving meal times to a time when he's not there. Might be challenging at weekends but its a start.

OP posts:
MrsOvertonsWindow · 03/11/2023 19:48

Good luck with moving mealtimes OP. He's got a lifetime of bullying your child & you ahead - toys, clothes, speech and language, friendships, going out etc.

And you've a lifetime of trying to protect your child from his bullying. Hopefully you've a bit of time this weekend to reflect on what's been said and consider what you can do to endure your daughter's safety from all this? And it's not as easy as changing a mealtime

TheShellBeach · 03/11/2023 19:54

Oh OP just moving mealtimes is like putting a plaster on a severed limb.

You cannot protect your child from this abuse by this means.

I truly think that you need to consider ending your relationship. Your child needs to come first.

Manadou · 03/11/2023 20:08

@Relly85know

I can definitely put moving meal times to a time when he's not there.

You need to put everything to a time when he's not there. But you aren't going to take any notice of what everyone is saying, are you?

PocketSand · 03/11/2023 20:27

Why did you think your partner had an eating disorder given that his behaviour doesn't suggest this at all? Are you looking for excuses for his behaviour that can be fixed? It seems odd that your chats include him acknowledging an ED as the root of the problem. How does he respond?

PaminaMozart · 03/11/2023 20:29

I fear that, even if you manage to remove the food battles from his control, he will find other ways of bullying and controlling you.

angelikacpickles · 03/11/2023 20:38

What eating disorder did you think he had? I can't even tell if you think he is restricting food or overeating? Or something else?

I agree with everyone else, he's just a nasty bully.

Malbecmoron · 03/11/2023 20:40

What's his mum like with food OP? You mention that as relevant

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