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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pack overnight bags for DS’s

87 replies

MX6 · 03/11/2023 09:44

So I have 2 DS that stay with their dad every weekend, alternate weekend is pick up from school.

Im getting annoyed having to lug overnight bags for each of them to school, and I think the school isn’t best pleased either with the size of the bags.

I know it’s only once a week, but it puts so much extra stress on me the evening before and morning of - especially morning of a school day. As some things ie dressing gowns and slippers, tablets (fire), chargers, medications etc can’t be packed until after breakfast.

so AIBU to expect their dad to have everything they could need at his house?
Hes saying it’s not worth the costs for just once a week. He is being very argumentative about it, and keeps saying that if I want him to purchase all that stuff he won’t need to pay CM.

I could understand it if DS were little little, but they are both school aged and have always been average size for their ages.

just to add
the slippers and dressing gowns are recent purchases after DS said he was cold at dads as he can’t afford to put the heating on.

I have not asked further about this as his finances are none of my concern anymore - though he’s historically very very bad with money (lots of personal purchases and new tech) which is why I just made the purchase. I did plan on letting them (purchases) just stay there - much to my annoyance - but both DS love them and want to wear them all the time now.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 03/11/2023 09:47

Tablets and chargers don’t go anymore, maybe not slippers either and he has to get them slippers and entertainment? I can see they like their dressing gowns. Is medication the kind of thing he could get?
does he pay over the minimum maintenance? If not you just do this and say if you drop maintenance I will open a case with cms and they will take it automatically. Parents provide the basics for their children at their house.

alphabetti · 03/11/2023 09:49

If was me for the sake of your children i’d just send a couple outfits, toothbrush, slippers, dressing gown and pjamas and tell him to keep them there as school not too pleased with big bags being stored. Re electronics if not send via school so would just tell kids they need to pick a couple toys/book to be kept at their dads. Not ideal and he should be buying those things as can go to supermarkets/primark but i’d just suck it up for sake of the kids.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 03/11/2023 09:49

You shouldn't have to as he should be providing them! But why don't you get them to leave the old ones at his?

they might WANT to wear the new ones all the time, but that's hard luck. They can pester their Dad for new ones. He can't just decide to reduce payments to you because he's bought things they need at his house. Not if you've actually gone through CMS.

whuch if you wants the EIW school pick up?

Tinkerbyebye · 03/11/2023 09:51

Just buy a set to leave at dads. Ok he ‘wins’ but think of the kids here

Pinkpinkpink15 · 03/11/2023 09:52

Tinkerbyebye · 03/11/2023 09:51

Just buy a set to leave at dads. Ok he ‘wins’ but think of the kids here

Maybe she can't afford to be buying a double set of what they need.

purpleme12 · 03/11/2023 09:52

No I wouldn't be bringing things to school each time.
My child's dad drives her back to our house to get her stuff. She has a key so he doesn't need to come in. But it depends how near you are to do that.

Goodornot · 03/11/2023 09:53

Why can't tablets and chargers be packed until after breakfast. Surely they don't need them before breakfast and before school.

Original poster
MX6 · 03/11/2023 10:00

I should add that 1 of my DS is ASD and needs his tablet to regulate himself - I have tried numerous other tactics but none are as good as the tablet and he’s now very dependent on it.

they never owned dressing growns and sippers before, as my home is never really cold and my underfloor heating is now switched on for an hour in the mornings when it’s chillier on the laminate. They had always been happy with blankets and jumpers.

I already go through CMS and I’m paid the minimum - it’s very little ££ as he works part time. I was forced into CMS as he thought that because I work full time with a good income he didn’t need to pay anything.

to be honest I only forced the issue because he owes me £thousands, which I’m never going to get back.

OP posts:
Goodornot · 03/11/2023 10:05

OK but you said the dressing gowns and slippers can't be packed until after breakfast either. But then say they arent needed or used at your home. Why aren't they packed the night before in that case?

Are your sons old enough to pack some of their own bags. For 2 weekends a month it is only twice a month you have to do this.

Original poster
MX6 · 03/11/2023 10:07

I pack every week, I only need to take bags to the school every other week.

now they have dressing gowns and slippers they want to wear them all the time, even though they aren’t technically needed.
they are old enough to help gather things, but they do more unpacking than packing.

OP posts:
Ohdearwhatnow4 · 03/11/2023 10:08

I'd buy some thick bed socks think £3 ish and look in charity shops for a dressing gown or even a hoodie they could use as a dressing gown. Then like others have said a pair of pj's and a tracksuit to leave their, but if you can't afford all at once, especially this time of year just keep getting bits. Then suggest to dad he needs to buy things to stay at his house and christmas perfect time to start

BoohooWoohoo · 03/11/2023 10:09

I wouldn't be packing the tablets and chargers - are they safe and secure at school ? Things costing less have gone missing at school.
I would buy a dressing gown for use at dad's house. You shouldn't have to but it will save considerable bulk.

Tell him that he can't reduce CM (especially if it's the CMS amount) and he is responsible for costs when he has the kids. Going through CMS will cost him more.

00100001 · 03/11/2023 10:10

why wouldn't the lads just leave most of their bag contents there? so Dad and the lads can wash and dry their clothes that stay there?

LIke 2 joggers, pair of jeans, 3 tshirts, pair of PJs etc?

00100001 · 03/11/2023 10:11

MX6 · 03/11/2023 10:07

I pack every week, I only need to take bags to the school every other week.

now they have dressing gowns and slippers they want to wear them all the time, even though they aren’t technically needed.
they are old enough to help gather things, but they do more unpacking than packing.

Edited

Why don't you jsut have a "Dad Bag" and the same clothes stay in there (or preferably, they leave them behind at Dads on Sunday evening and there they stay) - and if they want to take ipads and whatever, they can chuck them in a spare rucksack that morning?

Hankunamatata · 03/11/2023 10:13

So is a complete ass and he should provide it all.

Practically he isn't so I'd make up a box of duplicates to keep at his house. Do an eye roll and remember why the ass is an ex but your a brilliant mum doing best for dc

It would make me want to spit in his eye though

rainbowsparkle28 · 03/11/2023 10:14

YANBU. There is no reason why he cannot have as complete set as possible of pyjamas, toothbrush, underwear and day to day bits at his. Only really tablet etc which could go in small bag would be needed to go in between. Alternatively could he collect / drop off the belongings? Don't know the distance etc. but my dad used to drop off our bits on his way to work after we had been at his if going to school and leave in garage which was slightly unlocked but not open at my mum's (they were not far though so may not be realistic).

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/11/2023 10:18

I think it’s fine for a small bag of things to go but sending things like dressing gowns is ridiculous, they are big and can be picked up pretty cheaply so no reason not to have one in each house. I would go through everything that goes and work out what you think you go and what shouldn’t.

MuggleMe · 03/11/2023 10:18

He should be supplying slippers, PJ's and dressing gown for at his but what's the chances?! If what you've bought stayed at his would the boys miss them or revert back to not needing them?

gotomomo · 03/11/2023 10:18

In theory he should be providing everything when they are with him, that's who child maintenance is reduced based on the number of nights with other parent. In reality big ticket items like tablets will need to be taken but he should be keeping basics like underwear and pyjamas really. Could you suggest to him he buys them pjs and a dressing gown each as part of a Christmas present to be left at his?

SecondUsername4me · 03/11/2023 10:19

The CMS is to plug the gap between what he does have them and what he should have them. And the CMS value works on the fact that whilst dc are with you, you provide everything they need. And while they are with him, he provides everything they need.

Tell him he has a weekend to sort out everything his children need for when they stay the following weekend as you won't be sending them with any clothing.

Namerequired · 03/11/2023 10:22

He needs to have all those things at his. The only questionable are the tech/medication. Would a cheap fire tablet do for their dads or are they going to want their own? I would send it to xmas and ask him to get them one for then. Medication if it can be split and enough left at his, or if he can order his own supply then that should be done. The only other alternative is he picks it up/you drop it off. Medication and tech shouldn’t go through school anyway.

Clothes, toothbrushes etc he should have at his. He can’t drop below minimum cms anyway. Cms is based on him providing for the time they are with him already.
Having ND children I know they can like/ get attached to certain things, but he can buy the same pyjamas/dressing gowns etc.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 03/11/2023 10:28

If you can, I would just buy them warm stuff duplicate pj's and dressing gowns, to keep at their dad's, and duplicate medication if possible. I had to do the same with clothes and inhalers etc, and the DC appreciated it. It might not be fair that you ex isn't providing enough, but it will make life easier for you in the long run, and the kids will be warm at their dad's.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/11/2023 10:29

Yanbu and dad sounds selfish and useless.
BUT he is clearly willing to let his children be cold rather than buy them warm snug clothes to wear at his. So I think you're stuck with either packing or buying duplicates, which is very unfair but might save a headache.

Myfabby · 03/11/2023 10:30

He clearly doesn't want to do it.

And because of your children and school, I would find a bunch of stuff to leave there, The dressing gowns- primark has for £10) toothbrush and a cheap jogger and sweatshirt and socks. The whole thing will cost you prob £50/60, but its worth it for your children's comfort and not having to go back and forth with an uncooperative partner.

Ilovethewild · 03/11/2023 10:31

Op, if you had 50/50 shared care and therefore no cms, dad would still be expected to provide for his children when with him. Eg clothes, electronics.

you don’t have 50/50, so he pays cms as he is financially responsible for his children 50/50. It doesn’t change that when the children are with Dad, he would be providing basics like clothes And electronics.
cms is NOT to cover basics when with other parent.

Stop doing it. He needs to sort it out.

give him notice and suggested items required. Then it’s up to him.