To not want to pack overnight bags for DS’s

[MX6]

So I have 2 DS that stay with their dad every weekend, alternate weekend is pick up from school.

Im getting annoyed having to lug overnight bags for each of them to school, and I think the school isn’t best pleased either with the size of the bags.

I know it’s only once a week, but it puts so much extra stress on me the evening before and morning of - especially morning of a school day. As some things ie dressing gowns and slippers, tablets (fire), chargers, medications etc can’t be packed until after breakfast.

so AIBU to expect their dad to have everything they could need at his house?
Hes saying it’s not worth the costs for just once a week. He is being very argumentative about it, and keeps saying that if I want him to purchase all that stuff he won’t need to pay CM.

I could understand it if DS were little little, but they are both school aged and have always been average size for their ages.

just to add
the slippers and dressing gowns are recent purchases after DS said he was cold at dads as he can’t afford to put the heating on.

I have not asked further about this as his finances are none of my concern anymore - though he’s historically very very bad with money (lots of personal purchases and new tech) which is why I just made the purchase. I did plan on letting them (purchases) just stay there - much to my annoyance - but both DS love them and want to wear them all the time now.

The man is obviously deluded. You can’t argue with stupid.
Do what you can within your limits to make things as easy as you can for your children. One of you have to. Yes I would resent it, and I certainly wouldn’t be doing it to benefit him, but you love them more than you hate him. Trust me they grow up fast and realisations come in. He’s just a blip in your life.

cms is NOT to cover basics when with other parent.

Very much this!

You shouldn’t have to pack a back. He should have clothes etc for them there- proportionately less because they’re only there for one night so don’t need to have multiple outfits there. But he should have Pjs, dressing gowns and slippers for them there. Perhaps his relatives could help him with the cost of this if he’s too hard up?

My exh is pretty crap in this respect. Things do go back and forth because the kids are wearing clothes when they move houses. But he does at least buy some things. I don’t send a bag.

Tech like tablets never goes back and forth. Can’t they just watch the actual television at his if they’re bored?

Shame you can't take him to small claims for the money he owe you, he may have had to sell his precious warhammer/head toys.

I did consider this, but it was more hassle than I could be bothered with. And I wasn’t/am not in any financial distress so it made no sense.

I just want to say that the slippers and dressing gowns were specifically brought to stay at dads house.

but between him and DS they come home every weekend.

my opinion is that dad has encouraged DS to want to bring them home, but I can’t say with certainty.

my opinion is also that he lives in a ‘Lads Pad’. So doesn’t want ‘kid things’ around his home.

it all adds up to my annoyance and frustrations.

im trying to be nonchalant about everything, and it’s all for DS benefit and trying to do right by them.
but it still does my head in from time to time. Particularly on days when I have to carry 2 large bags into school, whilst trying to stop my DS from running into traffic and feeling like I need to apologise to the office staff whilst they are figuring out where to store the bags.

i could drop the bags directly to dads house from the school drop off, but honestly I just don’t want to see him before I go to work.

My ex had nowhere to store anything for DD as he lived in single quarters in army. DD visited him in a welfare house.

I refused to drop a bag at school. He had to come and collect it from my house.

I appreciate how annoying and frustrating this must be for you OP. You have asked him several times before and he is not making any changes. For the sake and well-being of your children, (and your sanity) I would say to buy them a spare pair of items (on the cheap). They can keep the “good” ones when they stay at your place. The more expensive items like the the tablet will have to travel.

YANBU

Tell him to take the boys out to buy clothes for them next weekend - underwear, warm pajamas, dressing gowns, slippers, sweaters/sweatshirts/sweatpants/jeans, underwear. Send him a text or email informing him you will no longer be sending the boys to school with luggage, beginning next week.

It is appalling that the children are marked out in school with their weekend luggage and that their father hasn't provided anything for them in his home.

Or have him pick up the children from home on Friday evening. That would enable him to work a full day on Friday, too.

I packed clothes, books, sports gear, and dvds, books, etc. for my DCs for eleven long years, every second weekend. He picked up the DCs in the evening after they had got home from school and changed and after he got out from work.

I did it because the DCs didn't want to have anything more to do with exH than they absolutely had to, and leaving clothes of theirs at his place would be saying something about the relationship they didn't want to say (i.e. that they liked him or accepted that they had to spend time with him). I never suggested that he buy them clothes because his idea of shopping was to get into and out of the shop in less than ten minutes with the first thing he saw as long as it was dirt cheap, regardless of whether the DCs liked it. One of the many, many reasons they loathed him...

Why does their dad not have pjs, slippers, tooth brushes and chargers at his house?

No, no, no to the Warhammer replacement. The fucking cheek of him. Also - he can afford the Warhammer nonsense but not clothes?

You need to write back and tell him if he can't afford to parent the boys every weekend (defined as providing clothing, food, and a comfortable shelter, at its most basic level) then the visitation arrangement needs to be looked at again and perhaps it would be best if the DCs only went every other weekend, with his child support recalculated to reflect the fact that they would be with you twelve days out of every fourteen.

And no to lunch, obv. Tell him to spend the money on pajamas for his children.

Ignore the 'nagging' comments. If he can't or won't parent the children adequately it is neglectful to send them to him every weekend and his motives in wanting them there are to be questioned. My guess is he does it to save on child support and he thinks he can get away with spending no money on the children during the weekends, or providing a home they can be comfortable in, because you as the responsible adult in these children's lives will pick up the slack.

He's playing keep away, in other words, with a financial motive.

Did you read the thread? Answers lie within!

I think in this case I'd buy them some cheap dressing gowns, slippers and a few items of clothing. Tell your dh that he should keep them at his house, but needs to replace them when needed out of his own pocket. Cm did rent cover him for items at his house.

As for electronics, phones only. Tablets etc he can buy and keep at his house

I bet he's got room to store his Warhammer....

Why does he want you to pay towards the cost of replacing something that his own child broke at his house?

And if he's so strapped for cash that he can't afford to put the heating on, why is he only working part time?

He works part-time because he, in his words suffers with burnout.

in reality I don’t know, he was fired from 4 jobs during the 7 years I was with him. And was signed off with anxiety for 2 years.

he filled all his time with warhammer, I was still paying full time childcare even when he wasn’t working because he had ‘commitments’

its just one of the several reasons I left him.

problem is, I now resent him so much that I struggle to see if I’m being bitter and unreasonable or not.

regards to contact with DS’s, he wanted every other week Friday-Monday but I didn’t want them staying overnight at all. As he never once woke up in the night to either child and blamed it on sleeping too heavily. (He wakes in the night for DS now)
With mediation we compromised on Fri-sat lunch time alt sat-sun. As I stood firm that I didn’t believe he would be able to get both DS to school on time using public transport or a 40 minute walk ( he doesn’t drive) And he was adamant that he wanted to be involved with schooling - he never showed up to parents evening this week.

Tell him to deduct half the Warhammer model cost from the thousands he owes in CM.

Of course he should be buying items for his children to store at his house, but he won’t. So now you need to weigh up whether you can afford the cost of providing another set of clothes/ dressing gowns/ slippers , set against the hassle of constantly packing. How much is your time and self-preservation worth? I would be buying another set of everything this weekend for your house, and tell them to leave what’s at their dad’s there, and he can get it ready for next week.

I wouldn’t be sending the tablets, I’d be encouraging a strong interest in Warhammer. Maybe even buy the children some figures (or whatever they use) to start them off joining in with their Dad’s passion …

My kids go to their dads every other weekend and all they have to take is their phones and special Ted!

It's clear from your last post that he doesn't want to spend a single penny on his children. 50-50 is often the last resort of the utterly feckless.

I think you need to hold firm and take him to family court or back to mediation to clarify his obligations toward the children while in his care, if he won't buy clothes or storage for clothes or turn on the heat or get a full time job to improve his finances. If he's not equipped to host his children and wants you to spend your money facilitating what is actually a means for him to not pay for twelve days of your care then I think he should be called on that.

For the sake of your inner peace, just lug the bags to school once a fortnight. The school can shove it, it’s unfortunate but you have no choice.
He sounds like an extremely selfish man not to atleast have a drawer with the basics. Chargers, PJs, toiletries. Clothes/underwear and socks is the only thing I’d be expecting to pack for them.

Dont give him money for the model. That’s the joys of having children and a lesson learnt.
Dont go to lunch with him either, eww.

He has no space
He can’t afford to heat his home
He can buy them tablets for Christmas despite the above

Those poor kids sound like they are caught up in the middle.

It's a pita op snd you shouldn't have to do it, but I think I'd just go to primark and get a couple of sets of clothes and a dressing gown.

Do the clothes cone back washed? Or are you doing the washing too?? If you don't want to leave stuff, wash and repack straight away. Seperate pot fir meds (is it tablets? Cut a few off a strip)

It's bloody annoying, try to make it easier for yourself.

I understand those saying don't pack anything, but I feel bad for the dc.

No they aren't caught in the middle. In the middle suggests the behaviour of the OP is problematic in some way.

The kids are a nuisance to the father who can't be bothered with them and doesn't want the financial burden because he'd rather spend it on Warhammer and tablets rather than clothing and heating.

This is all on the father. The mother shouldn't be even trying to fill in the gaps and having this argument with him over basic parenting.

Sorry but I think you should drop the bags at his house. It’s part of being divorced tbh, lugging bags around. The kindest thing for your children is to drop the bags at his house.

Presumably you live close to the school. So if he's picking them up from school he can drive past your house and pick up the bag to save it being taken into school? If you're not in then leave it in the garage/shed and give them a key

So I have 2 DS that stay with their dad every weekend, alternate weekend is pick up from school.

What happens on the alternate week where he doesn’t pick up from school? Does that work better? Can’t that happen every week?

I wouldn’t be sending tablets and dressing gowns into school-I’d rather drop a bag off to him directly or have him collect from your house after school every week.

For now, I would send an old hoodie for each of them instead of a dressing gown going backwards and forwards via school-that’s crazy-and buy a pair of fluffy socks from Primark for £2 and just leave them there.

I’d also suggest dad buys them slippers and a big dressing gown for Xmas to keep at his.