To not want to pack overnight bags for DS’s

[MX6]

So I have 2 DS that stay with their dad every weekend, alternate weekend is pick up from school.

Im getting annoyed having to lug overnight bags for each of them to school, and I think the school isn’t best pleased either with the size of the bags.

I know it’s only once a week, but it puts so much extra stress on me the evening before and morning of - especially morning of a school day. As some things ie dressing gowns and slippers, tablets (fire), chargers, medications etc can’t be packed until after breakfast.

so AIBU to expect their dad to have everything they could need at his house?
Hes saying it’s not worth the costs for just once a week. He is being very argumentative about it, and keeps saying that if I want him to purchase all that stuff he won’t need to pay CM.

I could understand it if DS were little little, but they are both school aged and have always been average size for their ages.

just to add
the slippers and dressing gowns are recent purchases after DS said he was cold at dads as he can’t afford to put the heating on.

I have not asked further about this as his finances are none of my concern anymore - though he’s historically very very bad with money (lots of personal purchases and new tech) which is why I just made the purchase. I did plan on letting them (purchases) just stay there - much to my annoyance - but both DS love them and want to wear them all the time now.

I live a 15 minute drive to school, and dad also lives in the opposite direction a 15 minute drive. However dad doesn’t drive, so uses public transport.
His house is also the opposite direction to my commute to work and has heavy traffic in the AM.

To get to work on time and drop bags off, I’d have to put DS in breakfast club at an additional £15(for both) and would be charged weekly for it not fortnightly as used.

the Alt week is Saturday-Sunday morning till evening. I drop off and dad brings them home.

I’m not going to give my weekend up with them from Saturday lunchtime to make it the same, plus dad has his ‘social commitments’.

Im dreading Christmas now, because I can see everything that his family gifts them coming back to my home, we both have large family’s and finding space for new gifts has always been challenging. Also I can definitely see them being doubled up with multiple gifts. And dad has them Xmas Eve so will be doing Xmas first - I guess that’s a fairly common issue with split family’s though.

he’s refusing to speak to me now because I’ve ‘nagged’ him too much over the last couple of days.

though reality is he just keeps redirecting conversation to our relationship which I won’t converse with him on. Also said no to the lunch date and model money so he’s unhappy.

Why don't you tell the children the bags are too big and they can only take bare minimum. If it fits in a rucksack which pj's a tablet and clothes will and just get fluffy socks rather than slippers. Unless dad wants to speak to school.

Either send an old warm hoodie/fluffy socks to live at his permanently or drop the bag off Friday evening after work.

Still get a second set then. Let them keep the ones they have at your house and a set for dad’s house. Buy exactly the same if the child with ASD has an issue swapping. Get larger dressing gowns as they will last for a few years. It’s just not worth the hassle. Can you put their stuff in back packs that hand on the school peg?

I guess I’ll have to.
I took DS out shopping to choose their dressing gowns and slippers before, so that may have been my mistake.

it’s just frustrating as some weekends he wants their wellies and puddle suits. And I did say no once, and their clothes and shoes came back ruined, and it was my fault for not sending them with the appropriate clothing for activities and both DS got quite bad colds following the weekend.

like how difficult is this going to get and where am I supposed to draw the line? As I don’t want to do anything that negatively affects DS or their relationship with their father.

How do these embarrassing men cope? I would feel so ashamed if I couldn't provide adequately for my own children. I certainly wouldn't be playing silly fuckers over a dressing gown or spending my money on bloody Warhammer.

It sounds like he hasn’t really got it into his head yet that you’re separated and now the kids need two homes. One at mum’s house and one at dad’s. It’s like in his head mum’s got a bit shirty with dad for no good reason so now he has a bachelor pad for a bit until she’s calmed down. So in his mind the kids still live in the family home and all the clothing you’ve provided is still half his because it’s for the kids. Never mind that your finances are now split and that’s not how it works. Never mind that it’s wildly inconvenient for mum. Nevermind that not even letting his kids leave a box of clothes and a toothbrush at his house means will damage his relationship with them long term. They’ll stop visiting and will never go to him for help or support.

Things might improve is he accepts that the split isn’t temporary and making the kids feel welcome at his is important for their long term relationship. He sounds pretty emotionally illiterate though so I doubt he’ll cop on.

This may well be the issue.

we split a year ago this month, but he slept on the sofa until mid March when I forced the issue that he needed to move out. - during that time he used every excuse and reason he could think of to try get back into my bed (I said no Everytime). And I say ‘my’ bed ‘my’ sofa, because I either owned everything prior to our relationship or solely funded the purchase (we’re unmarried and he kept 100% of his earnings)
He moved onto his mums sofa for 5 months until he moved out with a friend.

emotionally I had ended the relationship long before we split. But I kept falling for the ‘love bombing’ trap until I finally snapped. And then of course I was the crazy unreasonable one.

he still tries frequently with the love bombing and empty promises, which is why I don’t like to converse with him. And avoid prolonged handovers.

I think I’ve done my best to make it pretty clear that the relationship is 100% over. But DS says almost every week ‘daddy was asking if you have a boyfriend yet’

is so tempting to just pretend I have one 🙈

How embarrassing is this "man"?
You are completely trapped by his ineptitude and lack of desire to be an adult and parent his child.
Fuck his comments about "nagging"
Tell him to be a parent and keep the shit that you donate to him or buy his own. You shouldn't have a more difficult life because he can't get his shit together.

I can now see why this guy is an ex. I think he should have everything his children need and not rely on you to provide these things. I’d just say, there are things that don’t leave this house as I’ve bought them and you’ll need to provide them at yours. Child maintenance is such a low blow, he’s holding it ransom. Could apply that to everything? Does that cover 50% of your costs for the kids? I bet nowhere near it so I’d be reminding him of everything you provide

Look on ebay or in local charity shops for other dressing gowns/slippers the next size up - they can stay at his house.