To not want to pack overnight bags for DS’s

[MX6]

So I have 2 DS that stay with their dad every weekend, alternate weekend is pick up from school.

Im getting annoyed having to lug overnight bags for each of them to school, and I think the school isn’t best pleased either with the size of the bags.

I know it’s only once a week, but it puts so much extra stress on me the evening before and morning of - especially morning of a school day. As some things ie dressing gowns and slippers, tablets (fire), chargers, medications etc can’t be packed until after breakfast.

so AIBU to expect their dad to have everything they could need at his house?
Hes saying it’s not worth the costs for just once a week. He is being very argumentative about it, and keeps saying that if I want him to purchase all that stuff he won’t need to pay CM.

I could understand it if DS were little little, but they are both school aged and have always been average size for their ages.

just to add
the slippers and dressing gowns are recent purchases after DS said he was cold at dads as he can’t afford to put the heating on.

I have not asked further about this as his finances are none of my concern anymore - though he’s historically very very bad with money (lots of personal purchases and new tech) which is why I just made the purchase. I did plan on letting them (purchases) just stay there - much to my annoyance - but both DS love them and want to wear them all the time now.

Suck it up for the kids. Tell them to leave slippers and dressing gowns at dad's as you say they don't need them at home. Dad is a tosser but you know that.
My ex apparently couldn't buy curtains duvets etc so I gave him the old kiddi Disney ones. 20 years later they are apparently still on the beds... tosser.

This.

I think every weekend warrants having some stuff stored at their dad's. Sounds like he won't be buying them anything though so I'd get a second cheap set of the bulky stuff (dressing gown, slippers) and tell them to leave that there. If you do that maybe all their stuff for the weekend would fit in one bag so be less to carry to school.

My SCs bring one holdall between them with their clothes for the weekend, then they have their gadgets/teddies etc in their own personal backpacks.

I’m on the other side of this. A stepmother.

The kids mother wouldn’t allow any of ‘her’ clothes / items at dads. To the point that the kids mother threatened to strip the kids to their underwear one day, rather than ‘her’ clothes go to dads.

I can understand this in some ways (not the stripping the kids - that was batshit) as dad should have stuff for the kids at his house. However, this was the other extreme.

However….. it did upset the kids - as sometimes they wanted a certain piece of clothing or item which was ‘mums’ and she wouldn’t allow it to go.

Also - in our case as dad only had the kids stay over EOW - many times, clothes would be worn once & wouldn’t fit again.

This ‘mine’ and ‘your dads’ created a terrible situation for the kids. As far as we were concerned the stuff wasn’t ‘ours’ - it belonged to the kids and they could do with it what they wanted.

I can understand you not wanting to pack / lug a case around, but it’s for a short time (when the kids are young) and personally for the sake of the kids and keeping things cordial I would do it.

It’s always in the kids best interests if you can co parent / keep things cordial if you can. I say this as a SM whose SK’s parents have a toxic relationship and it’s so damaging to the kids.

I know you shouldn’t have to but just leave the dressing gown and slippers at their dads if they don’t use them at your house and some old clothes etc. Also explain to the doctors for extra medication. I needed extra for school and they didn’t mind. Then you just would need to take the tablet to school.

can't their dad swing by your house either before or after he picks up the children to grab their bags?

It's not fair or right that you have to provide an extra set of these things or pack an overnight bag for your kids every week. However, these types of men never grow up and suddenly become the responsible adults we'd like them to be, do they? If you can afford it, I would go to a cheap shop like Primark and get each child another dressing gown, winter PJs, slippers, tracksuits and gum boots for mucking about in the day in winter, all of which they then leave at their dad's house. (Black Friday deals have started at a lot of shops, so it may be worth keeping an eye out now for bargains.)

If you can't afford it, you'll have to just keep packing the bags and seethe silently while you tell yourself that you won't have to do it forever.

Packing an over night bag is fine and I’d say most parents do this.

But it should literately only contain a couple of bits, perhaps chargers and a change of clothes if they want to wear something specific.

He should have the majority of things at his house.

If they are cold, he needs to buy them dressing gowns.

If you’ve only recently broken up then it’s fair to say that it takes time to get these things, especially if he’s on a low income.
But he needs to have the basics at least.

Are your sons old enough to talk to him yourself?

One of my brothers is like this and it’s drives me mad, we’ve fallen out over it many times.

He will not buy any clothes for his DD.
If the mum doesn’t pack any PJs or change of clothes, his DD will spend all day and night in the same clothes the entire weekend.
He’s rang her and had a go at her for not providing any spare clothes.
One time she got soaked through so he had to buy a change of clothes from Asda but my mum told him to change them back before he takes her home because why should the ex have them.

Its a very petty, childish attitude that puts their opinion of the ex over the child.

Unfortunately, if your ex is the same then he’d rather his kids get cold than buy something for them, when he thinks you should provide it all considering he’s so kind to give you a few quid each week.

Packing an over night bag is fine and I’d say most parents do this

Most mums do it.

their dad has agreed to buy them tablets for Xmas - however he has said that is is whole budget so they wont be getting anything else from him.
I’ve suggested that he asks his family members to buy clothing and other things like wellies and drawing stuff for them for Xmas. I’m now being called controlling, so I guess we will see what happens.

he’s said he has no space to store their clothes and toys. so they will be bringing most their presents home at birthdays and Christmas.
he said to keep things as they are right now and he will figure something out - which is his language for not wanting to deal with a problem and will forget 2 minutes later…. And I’ll be nagging if I bring it up again.

oh and he’s also asked me to pay half towards replacing a model (warhammer) that our DS broke at his house.

and he wants to take me out to lunch

this is why I don’t like communicating with him.

He doesn't have space for his kids (minimal) clothes?! Where do they sleep when they're at his house? Even if they share a sofa bed in the lounge, it's not expensive for him to buy one of those over the door hangers and hang a couple of coat hangers with a change of clothes, PJS and dressing gowns on those.

I wouldn't pay towards replacing the model. If they were guests at a friend's house, I would offer to replace the item, but they are HIS children. Therefore it's his responsibility to either keep breakable items out of reach or suck it up if something gets broken.

Zero chance I would pay to replace the model. Would it be very unkind to send your ds without his tablet so your ex gets to experience his child without it? It probably would, but it would serve your ex right.

do you want them to go? Would you happily full time parent? As if you don’t send them with spare clothes, so they are cold and dirty at his house, court would look badly on that.

oh and he’s also asked me to pay half towards replacing a model (warhammer) that our DS broke at his house.

Whaaaaat? It's his own child that's broke it, that's mad to try and bill you half.

Personally in this scenario I'd just keep sending the bags. Sounds like that's easier than trying to deal with this man.

Also - in our case as dad only had the kids stay over EOW - many times, clothes would be worn once & wouldn’t fit again

Did you not find it strange to be with a man who only saw his kids every other weekend? Not a very nice trait of a man.

oh and he’s also asked me to pay half towards replacing a model (warhammer) that our DS broke at his house.

and he wants to take me out to lunch

OP I don’t understand why you broke up with this diamond of a man.
He’s obviously such a great catch!

I’d tell him to save the money from the lunch to pay for the broken model that HIS son broke.

I’d then tell him that his son also broke your TV so he needs to pay you half of it to replace it.

Oh I won’t be paying anything for any model.
hes not happy, because the children are half mine so I have to pay half. And when I mentioned half the childcare costs, or half the bannisters my DS with ASD kicked out, He said it’s not the same thing.

he lives in a 2 bed flat, with a friend.
the DC have their own bunk beds, his DD from previous relationship has a single bed and he has a single bed all in the same room. His DD is a teenager now and rarely sleeps over.
it’s shared kitchen, bathroom and small living room.
Im not happy with the set up honestly, but the DS love being with their dad. ( They play lots of computer games and eat lots of sweets)

im just gonna have to suck it up for DS sake, and will see what happens at xmas.

He should have stuff for them at his house. The only thing they should need to take are personal items like phone/tablet/wallet (whenever they're the right age for those things).

Ideally he would pick them up from your house after school, or pick them up from your house in the morning to take them to school and also take their bags home with him then.

Stop providing things and tell him he's not having them if he can't keep them warm and clothed.

Before you comment you should be in receipt of all of the fact.

I respect him having seen the vitriol & shit he’s had to put up with from his EW & how he’s fought to keep contact & see them.

You do know that some mothers don’t want their kids to have a relationship with their dad? They use them as a weapon to punish & control?

Do you think it’s normal that a mother threatens to strip her kids naked rather than ‘her’ clothes go to dads? The kids were 8 & 10 at the time. It’s absolutely not normal at all.

This was over 10 years ago when EOW was the norm and he spent years fighting for it. He asked for more and was told by the mother yo ‘f@ck off’ - by then he was completely broken after spending years fighting to see them.

I wonder how you would feel if you had to fight to see your own kids? Years of solicitors fees, court appearances and the mother not allowing contact.

My ex was ripped to shreds in family court for this.

Stop enabling him.

Give him a few weeks notice. Send him a polite message to say as of x date I will no longer be providing a bag, can you please ensure you provide everything required whilst the children are in your care.

Don't engage in a tit for tat. Grey rock.

And apply to CMS.

All they need at his is a pair of pyjamas each (plus slippers and dressing gown), maybe 3 pairs of pants of socks, 1 change of clothes and a toothbrush each. It would all fit in a cabin sized suitcase under the bunkbed. The clothing could be picked up at a charity shop, the pyjamas from primark or a supermarket. He is utterly incompetent as a parent if he can’t manage that. I understand the not wanting to but a full wardrobe when they won’t get much wear out of it, but they don’t need a full wardrobe. They just need a set of pyjamas, underwear, a pair of joggers, a tshirt and a jumper. Which will all get worn every time they go over and can be passed on to a younger child or given to the charity shop as they grow.

Just buy a second hand set for each child for him to keep at his. He's unreasonable but why bother with the row?

So why is there even an issue if they don't need those items at your house?

Honestly, that mountain is a molehill.

Just tell the boys to leave them there. Job done. You really are being ridiculous over this just to prove a point.

I think honestly if you can afford it i would just buy some stuff to live at his. Yes it will be painful, but you are paying to save yourself the stress. Not to help him out.

Has room for Warhammer but not clothes for his children.

Go to court. Argue this.

I won’t be going to court.
mall a CAO does is protect the NRP. In cases in which there’s no significant abuse anyways