I should never have been a mum

[Notcutoutfprit]

I am a single parent to a one year old. I do love him but I don’t think I feel how I’m supposed to. I do everything practically that’s right for him, he has everything he needs in that sense. But I honestly hate being a mum most of the time. Some days I love it, and some moments I love. I can’t imagine life without him and wouldn’t chose that if I could go back in time. But I just feel like my life is over through having him. I know in part this is because his dad is a deadbeat who mostly just provides financial support (never even changed a nappy!) but also I think I would have felt this sense of loss in any situation. Ds is constantly needing something from me. I barely eat some days and I was always in the camp that ‘oh of course you can bloody well eat’ when mums said that but actually some days it’s hard to ensure you’ve had a healthy meal. My home is disgusting. Impossible to have everywhere clean and tidy at any given moment. Can’t afford a cleaner really either.

But I just feel like I can’t think. At all. I have so much in my mind that I just try and juggle it all constantly without time to think anything through. I have no idea how I’m going to manage work, I start back on Monday and I don’t know what I will do. I have sort of accepted I may lose my job and already begun looking for back up options. I hate it all. It’s all consuming. Will I ever feel differently or will I have to try and conceal this from ds as he grows?

Sweetheart, honestly you'll be fine.

I'm in exactly the same situation but 13 years on. Going back to work will restore your sense of self. And if you've found a good childminder or nursery, you'll have an hour to yourself every day. You'll be able to go for a walk or a run. Paint your nails, just have some quiet time to think.

I used to do my shopping on lunchtime, which makes the weekends easier. Very gradually you will get back in balance. And having other adults to talk to will cheer you up.

Yes, it's hard work, it's relentless, but I promise you will feel better xx

In my experience, it gets better, both practically and emotionally.

I know Health Visitors get a bad rap but mine were only ever supportive when I talked to them about how I felt and how I was struggling (I got quite bad PND when both kids were around 9-10 months old), and they had practical suggestions as well, so I'd recommend talking to your HV (even if you have to ring the general line to get hold of her).

Sending you an unmumsnetty hug. 💐

YANBU

Not every parent enjoys it, parenting can be bloody hard graft, at times boring, exhausting, no escape, and it's very sobering to realise you're trapped in a job you don't enjoy for the next couple decades. You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. It's a taboo to acknowledge, sadly, which then makes people feel even more alone.

Hopefully in time it will get easier as your child becomes older, more capable of doing things for himself and so forth, for now it's a case of survival. Is he sleeping okay? If not, look into sorting that asap. When you're getting enough sleep things can feel a LOT more manageable.

Sending love. The fact you're still there, parenting, when his father isn't, shows you're a good parent, even if you don't enjoy it.

On the topic of going back to work, I felt worse before I went back, and better once I was working. The practicalities were overwhelming when I was trying to plan it, such as getting them into childcare that let me pick up and drop off early/late enough for my work hours, and we had to try a few things before we got into our groove (my usually inflexible work were surprisingly accommodating of the cock ups in the early days) but being at work has really helped me to have some independence and sense of self around the children. Also, you get lunch breaks at work.

It gets easier! Playschool, school, you'll get breaks! You're at the time when they need you for everything, this doesn't last forever. I found it got way way easier when my eldest turned 6. But it'll be incrementally easier until then. In terms of near (ish) horizon, ages 4-6 you'll see the most change in dependency.

I found this age peak shit to be honest. Almost all hard work, very boring and not as much of a bond.

I quite literally feel as though I have loved my children, actually loved/valued them (not just enjoyed them though that too) more from 2+ and they become much more rewarding and the bond really develops. From about 3+ they have felt like the very best most lovable beings to ever exist and every dream of how wonderful it is being a parent has come true (even though they are admittedly still really hard work at times and I am mostly knackered!). It's so so different (better) when they can talk and play with you and share their interests.

If you are providing for your baby's needs (which you are) then my advice is not to police your own feelings. You don't have to enjoy every stage and solo parenting a 1 year old is a bloody hard and boring slog. Returning to work at around the same time I found very very hard because of the sleep deprivation and being pulled in every direction. That said it can be refreshing to have a break from being mum during working hours.

In a year's time truly I believe you will feel much much better, and it does just continue getting better from there (or at least for me it did).

Honestly it gets better and easier. I was very similar with two young DCs. But slowly he'll become easier and you'll gradually start feeling like yourself again. You might even have PND. You're probably discounting it cos he's a year but you could still.

Oh gosh, I remember waking my husband in the middle of the night, when my daughter was a few months old, wide awake and screaming her head off, and asking if we could take her back to the shop! It's hard. Really f**king hard. And no one can really warn you just how hard it is. Honestly, you'll get through it. Things WILL get easier. I know that's no consolation right now but, before you know it, they'll be off to Uni and you'll be sobbing. Sending huge supportive hugs xx

You have a very young child you're taking care of on your own. Of course its overwhelming. Maybe you have PND. Go and see your doctor.

Have you got nursery or some other childcare lined up for Monday OP? Sounds like an obvious question but if you don’t have childcare then yes you will lose your job. If you do have childcare then disregard that. Have you got family who could take your baby out for a few hours this weekend while you get a few things organized for your return to work? Laundry/choosing work clothes, bag, lunches, a bit of cleaning?
You might find you really prefer the balance of being a working parent rather than being on childcare mode all the time like you have been while on maternity leave.

Oh, love! You poor thing.

I truly believe you’ll be so much happier when you’re back at work. You can pee and have a cup of tea in peace! You’ll be in more of a routine, your DS will be in childcare having a fantastic time, and things really do start to get easier. I always think how unfair it is that so many mums go back to work when their baby is one, and that’s when the baby starts to become actually good company. You’ll start to hear words soon and communicate more with each other. He will become so much more independent before you know it.

Also, you said you can’t really afford a cleaner. If you can, at all, it’s an absolute lifesaver and in your situation I’d prioritise this over other luxuries if I could.

Oh my love, you are an absolute super hero doing it alone. Honestly I struggle to think of a harder life. You are a wonderful mummy and your son is so lucky to have you. You are so strong. I promise you, it gets better- every month it gets easier. I hated the first year with mine and felt very similarly to you (albeit with much more help and support) but now mine is nearly three it is (mostly) just wonderful. That’s not to say it’s not still difficult at times but I feel like me again as he has more independence. This hard part will shape you into a strong, patient and empathetic woman and mother and I promise you it will be worth it. Wish I could help more. Sending big hugs x

YANBU! The first year was hell and I had a helpful DH. We spent a lot of time wondering what the hell we had done. Year 2 was a little better, year 3 was better again and after that things just got easier and easier and more and more enjoyable. You might also find that going back to work makes things easier as it gives you a break.

YANBU. The first couple of years are hard, and you're doing it alone. It is relentless and exhausting.

Going back to work probably sounds terrifying but I suspect it will be good for you. Assuming you have good childcare in place, returning to work is an opportunity to not be held hostage by the relentless needs of a toddler. Having a young chid is often, in my opinion, like being an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship, and getting away for work will be good.

The early years are hard with a caring partner never mind without so don’t feel bad.

You need to fuel yourself and be kind to yourself. What does your day look like that you can’t get a healthy meal? I really struggle to see how you can’t make a salad or pasta or stew or something? Or is it that you aren’t motivated to do that with your time?

Can you afford some cheats, like pre-prepared meat or veg and then just chuck it all in a pan or stick it in the oven?

Feel for you OP. I promise it won’t be like this for ever, it’s so much less intense in a year or two. You’re at the worst stage in my opinion where your DS is no longer an easy portable little baby, and is very demanding but still can’t do anything for himself - also you don’t have the rewards yet of him talking and being funny/ interesting. I preferred my kids from 0-6 months and then from about 3yrs onwards!!
You’re also in that weird limbo before you go back to work for the first time which is really stressful, but honestly - thinking about it is so much worse than the reality, and if you’re anything like me it’ll be the change you need, I always felt better about myself once I was back at work and back in a routine, getting out of the house, earning money, drinking hot coffee, seeing adults, having a purpose other than motherhood! If you have got good childcare you’ll be totally fine and your son will be happier because you’ll be happier, so it’s win win. I was always a better parent when working because I was excited to see my kids at the end of the day not just knackered and forcing it!

Hang on in there - parenting changes so much once they are bigger and can talk. I love it now mine are nearly 4 and 6 but found your stage very tough. With just one, you’ll really get your life back sooner than you think. Good luck for monday!

You love your son but you're not enjoying motherhood, this is not unreasonable. It's relentless, boring and exhausting putting someone's needs before your own every waking second of every day. The most important thing is you don't beat yourself up over feeling this way - it is normal. Try not to worry about cooking yourself a healthy meal every day, that's another thing you're beating yourself up over. Feed you and your son what you can, within reason. Never mind the mess, if you feel like cleaning then do it, if not then don't worry about it. These years go by fast, it's not the time for a perfect diet or sparkling clean house. Do what you need to do when you can, sleep, relax with TV and carrying on doing what you are doing so well - taking care of your son. Xx

I was in this situation with one year old twins. Parenting alone is completely different to parenting in a stable relationship with the father. It's obviously much harder and I don't enjoy it as much but the sense of accomplishment is much much more as I'm doing it alone this time. It's normal to feel like this OP treasure the moments you enjoy and love - the days might be long but the years are short x

OP you're doing great, it may not feel like it right now but I promise you one day in the future your child will not just love you but admire you for all of the effort you would have put into their childhood, my DD is now 19 and has not long started her first job, I used to hate the fact I had to return back to work after 6 months maternity leave, the guilt I felt at not being able to drop her off or pick her up from school, but just recently she told me how much she appreciated what I had done and the influence it had on her and her attitudes. Give yourself a much deserved pat on the back and good luck on your return to work I'm sure it will be fine

It gets so much better so quickly - don’t worry, you will eventually be able to look back smiling at these days, as you munch your kale salad in a spotless home.
I think the first 2 years are the most intense.
As soon as your son is able to start some kind of nursery, you’ll have a couple hours a day to reclaim your mind and set your life straight.

It is very repetitive this stage and the baby stage! I love my daughter but I don't always love being a mum and stuck in the same routine day in and out. I am back at work now and having some time to myself has definitely helped out, give yourself some credit as being a mum is one of the hardest jobs in the world ❤

Im not in the same position as you in that I have a supportive husband but I definitely felt like this after my first. I worried about going back to work but honestly it was the absolute best thing for our family. Going to work and having a break from the grind that is day to day parenting absolutely made it more manageable. I am now 6 months in with my second and have moments of omg I hate this life but I remember how much easier it got being back at work and having them in childcare!

The first year is horrible they are a boring clingy unsleeping mess!! Why people talk fondly of newborns is beyond me it’s hell. I hated newborn till about 15 months And then it got better with better eating and playing and more fun until then I wondered what fresh hell I had walked into … I had to go back to work part time at 10 months just to feel half human

I really feel for you. It must be so difficult doing this alone.

I found it actually got easier once I was working. Before I went back to work, I had no idea how I would fit everything in. But working has given more structure to our lives. Plus we‘re not at home making a mess which helps! Getting a break from being a mum and having adult conversations is a plus point too.

I really hope going back to work will be a turning point for you, even if you can’t quite imagine that yet

1. Work is fantastic. It gives you a break from being hyper alert to toddler dangers and the very unpredictable, yet mundane, nature of childcare.
2. Your son will keep getting more independent and interesting. One year olds are a danger to themselves and cannot be left alone. Two year olds can be left alone for short periods, can communicate in simple words and walk in the right direction more reliably. Three year olds can speak in full sentences, comprehend complex instructions and play independently.