I should never have been a mum

[Notcutoutfprit]

I am a single parent to a one year old. I do love him but I don’t think I feel how I’m supposed to. I do everything practically that’s right for him, he has everything he needs in that sense. But I honestly hate being a mum most of the time. Some days I love it, and some moments I love. I can’t imagine life without him and wouldn’t chose that if I could go back in time. But I just feel like my life is over through having him. I know in part this is because his dad is a deadbeat who mostly just provides financial support (never even changed a nappy!) but also I think I would have felt this sense of loss in any situation. Ds is constantly needing something from me. I barely eat some days and I was always in the camp that ‘oh of course you can bloody well eat’ when mums said that but actually some days it’s hard to ensure you’ve had a healthy meal. My home is disgusting. Impossible to have everywhere clean and tidy at any given moment. Can’t afford a cleaner really either.

But I just feel like I can’t think. At all. I have so much in my mind that I just try and juggle it all constantly without time to think anything through. I have no idea how I’m going to manage work, I start back on Monday and I don’t know what I will do. I have sort of accepted I may lose my job and already begun looking for back up options. I hate it all. It’s all consuming. Will I ever feel differently or will I have to try and conceal this from ds as he grows?

My DD has just turned 2. I went back to work when she was 10 months and it was the best thing (I went PT). I found the baby days boring, relentless, mat leave was lonely and I felt like I'd lost myself. I have a physical disability so having to manage that as well was tough. Being honest during that time I felt like I wasn't meant to be a mum. However now dd is 2, it's SO much better. I can have little conversations with her, she learns things quickly, loves to play together, will sit and read a book with me. I didn't really know how to interact with her when she was younger tbh. I mean of course it's still hard but it feels easier. I think we are settled in a routine, I'm more confident as a parent, the tricky bits are just a phase. Dd loves nursery so I have no guilt about working. I didn't believe people when they said it gets easier, but it really does. You are doing an amazing job ♥️

I hated this stage too and I had a supportive and loving co-parent. Going back to work helped massively. DH died when DD was 2.5 and I thought I would never cope because I hated parenting so much – but by the time DD was 3, the good far outweighed the bad, and now that she’s 5 being her mum is the best thing in my life. I never thought I could ever feel that way. You will too. It’s okay to hate this bit, I promise.

Is he just one now OP? Mine is 13 months and now he's settled at the childminder it's so much better. Try not to worry about the rest of his childhood. Just focus on Monday and take it one day at a time. We've been there and it does get better soon xxx

I’m not a single mum but my dh worked long hours and I found the first two years really hard (being back at work both good and stressful at the same time)

it gets SO much better as they get older. My little boy is now 4 and an real blessing - he helps round the house, helps me remember important things, makes me giggle every day. And my teenager is independent really! It is hard, hard work and there are still days I feel like I want to resign my job as Mum but… best job in the world.

Good luck going back to work OP, hope this fabulous thread of support has given your confidence a boost. You sound like a very caring mum. Let us know how you get on xx

You may find your work allow a certain number of 'family days' because lots of people have unexpected, family crises.

When you are back at work, with other adults, you will adjust to that. You will have time to think about yourself because the people around you won't need your constant attention. You will get a lunch break, perhaps someone will bring you a cup of tea, nobody will cry if you go to the toilet. You will put on a nice top and it will still be pristine hours later. And your DC will change and some ages you will enjoy more than others and that's all OK.

Your home doesn't need to be clean and tidy everywhere but if this is something which really stresses you then prioritise getting a cleaner to concentrate on the areas which bother you most.

You poor thing. It’s exhausting and draining and you completely lose yourself. And you’re doing it alone. Just had a photo pop up of me at the end of Year One any dear god, I look broken and felt exactly like this.
Year Two I’m ashamed to say I used to dread finishing work as I found motherhood more exhausting. Work became a break and I NEVER believed mothers who said this pre-parenthood.
By Year Three Im perfectly happy to spend all my free time with DS and its honestly fun (most of the time!) You make Mum friends, go out for the day with less planning, they crack you up with all the funny things they say. Oh, and they sleep (finally!)
The love hasn't changed but the workload does and its so much easier to feel the joy when not every single minute is a job.

Don’t be too hard on yourself you wouldn't be worrying like this if there was something missing.
Hang in there - you are clearly a great Mum x

Ds18, was 6 months when I went back to work. He was thee most chilled little Angle! I still couldn’t wait to get back to work! I felt like the old me. Having adult conversations everyday day. Yes illness will stress you out, like all mums, but you’ll get through it. It will honestly flash by before you know it 😊

I think what your feeling is completely normal, your at a really hard stage and I felt the exact same, I hated myself but once I started to talk to my friends about it who are mums they said they felt the same when their babies was around that age. I think a lot of people just don't talk about it but I'm out the other side, you will get there OP

Did you know... it's possible to love your kid and hate parenting? Well, it is. And you'll rarely hear it because some do-gooder will tell you the golden moments make it all worthwhile.

Except sometimes they don't, and you still hate being a parent.

This is just as ok as people saying they don't enjoy driving buses, don't enjoy being a waitress, or hate working in a bank. Because parenting actually is work.

Seeing as your son is now over a year old, can you make an arrangement for his father to take him at regular times? I'm thinking to start with just half a day on a Saturday, or even every second Saturday? You know him (we don't) but as long as you think he'd be safe, maybe saying "it's time to start" rather than asking, might work. Even useless dads who can't change a nappy tend to survive a few hours, and toddlers really don't suffer when the father gets it wrong and a poonami ends up all over the floor! Just imagine, you'd be able to take yourself out for brunch, sit in the park without a pram, or get your hair done. Time to be you... which hasn't happened for so long. xx

Oh you poor thing. Reading your post I think you sound like a great mum. Being a new parent is super tough and having little practical help must exacerbate that feeling many times over.

Going back to work sounds like the best thing to do. I felt a bit lost until I went back to work, I found my days repetitive and boring. I was very scared going back, wondering how I would cope but I honestly love it now. Ive gone back only part time and the days I'm at work I feel like me again. I also enjoy my days with my baby a million times more.

Good luck I hope everything works out for you!

There is a thread like this at least once a week from a lone mum and it is always when baby is 11-13 months - my baby isn't far off this so I'm dreading it a bit! I'm imagining it's because they are walking or crawling everywhere and napping less so the exhaustion really hits.
All I can say is it's not YOU it's this life style it's hard and we weren't meant to do this all alone xx

If he's a chilled and lovely baby then you've answered your own question - he is happy!

I'm a single parent, dds never even met her dad.

Going back to work was a relief as it gave me a bit of my sense of self back. I also appreciated the time with dd more.

You'll find your way with catching up with housework, it gets easier as they get older.

Following on from my last post can I just recommend the book "the organised mum method". It's changed my life, my house is spotless and I don't find cleaning a chore. It essentially advocates for half an hour of cleaning a day (it gives you a different room and checklist each day) for Monday to Thursday. Friday is a random day where you organise a random part of your house such as a cupboard on an 8 week rotation. Weekends are no cleaning. It also gives you a couple of tasks you should be doing each day to maintain the house but they don't take longer than ten minutes.

You say your house is a mess, it has a section on how to get your house in order before you start the method.

I have no connection to this book I just found it extremely helpful when I first had my baby and I found I was struggling to find the time to keep my house clean and tidy. So I thought it might help :)

I felt the same before going back to work. Working restored my sense of being me. My commute/lunch gave me time where I could read a book, do admin etc. if you can work from home at all it’s also helpful.

With housework, as long as your house is safe children really don’t notice. Do what you can but try to not have too high standards… by which I mean can you wear clothes a bit more before being washed, that type of thing. And anything that saves you time, a cheap handheld hoover was the best thing we bought when ds was a toddler!

it does get better and there are lots of good bits to look forward to!

Ok let's talk practically then. What's the nature of your job and how long have you been there?

What are your usual hours?

What's your relationship like with your line manager? A good manager will understand that it is challenging coming back after this big change.

Have you used your annual leave that you accrued during maternity leave?

Do you have any colleagues who have had babies in the recent past you could lean on for advice in how they have managed?

This isn't my area of expertise, but as a single mum you may be able to drop to part time if full time work is not feasible and have a universal credit top-up. There may be people here who can advise better.

And you are going to be absolutely fine! You can already tell from your posts that you are a great mum. If it is any help, I often feel exactly the same as you - I'm on maternity and I feel like I'll never have a life back again. But I'm assured I will, and this time does pass super fast. We will get there. Don't be afraid to reach out to your doctor or HV for support - that's what they're there for.

YANBU - you can love your child without actually enjoying parenting though. Personally I always struggled and hid it well - mine are in their 20s now. Going back to work helps as you get to focus on something else.

You are an actual real life hero. I found 0-1 year the most challenging, boring, draining stage and in hindsight, think I may have had some PND. I have the most supportive partner so I can’t imagine how alone you must be feeling.

I found that it got better around 18 months and I’m not really sure why. Maybe that they get a personality and it becomes more rewarding when you experience them starting to talk etc.

It does get better but I think in the meanwhile you need to try and get some help. I got a cleaner around 9 months and oh my god, I would give up anything to not have to give her up.

It will get better, going back to work is never as bad as you think it will be.
What you say about having so much on your mind that you can't think sounds a lot like anxiety. It would be worth having a chat with your GP or health visitor to see if you might some medical help with this.
My favourite thing is just to brain dump everything I'm carrying into my head onto a piece of paper. Knowing it's recorded and there for me to pick up when I'm ready allows me to just concentrate on one or two things that I can deal with them - either the most urgent, important things, or the things that will bring me the most long term benefit (those jobs you never do because your always for fighting but once their done you'll save 5 minutes every single day)
I hope it gets easier quickly!

It takes a village to raise a child and you don't have one right now. Reach out to those around you, maybe see your GP too or get some mental health support. None of this is your fault and it isn't your son's either but nobody can do it alone.
Be kind to yourself.

I was one of these not happy about motherhood single mum types and did wonder why I'd gone ahead with it but going back to work saved my life.
I realised I needed adult company as lets face it small children are very boring.
Work gave me my sense of identity back and I started enjoying my DS more.
Nobody will remember you when you're dead for having a tidy house.
Get an airfryer - I got mine for £30 and you can shove an entire meal in there and let it cook in 20 minutes.
Lower your standards and don't worry about small things.
Now DS is in his 40's we have a great relationship and I adore him. I cannot ever imagine being without him.

I literally had nobody in terms of support so its important to try and find some other single mums for support and join groups.

It gets better, honest. I only started to really love it when mine was about two.

I would absolutely echo this method. To be fair I only follow it loosely and don't do a full half hour but it's made such a difference for me.

Half an hour on week days only, one room per day, plus one bathroom item per day.