I should never have been a mum

[Notcutoutfprit]

I am a single parent to a one year old. I do love him but I don’t think I feel how I’m supposed to. I do everything practically that’s right for him, he has everything he needs in that sense. But I honestly hate being a mum most of the time. Some days I love it, and some moments I love. I can’t imagine life without him and wouldn’t chose that if I could go back in time. But I just feel like my life is over through having him. I know in part this is because his dad is a deadbeat who mostly just provides financial support (never even changed a nappy!) but also I think I would have felt this sense of loss in any situation. Ds is constantly needing something from me. I barely eat some days and I was always in the camp that ‘oh of course you can bloody well eat’ when mums said that but actually some days it’s hard to ensure you’ve had a healthy meal. My home is disgusting. Impossible to have everywhere clean and tidy at any given moment. Can’t afford a cleaner really either.

But I just feel like I can’t think. At all. I have so much in my mind that I just try and juggle it all constantly without time to think anything through. I have no idea how I’m going to manage work, I start back on Monday and I don’t know what I will do. I have sort of accepted I may lose my job and already begun looking for back up options. I hate it all. It’s all consuming. Will I ever feel differently or will I have to try and conceal this from ds as he grows?

Ah OP, I sympathise SO much. I have 1yo too and find trying to manage everything at home so overwhelming and I'm not even a single parent. The washing basket is overflowing constantly, there's always some clean washing to put away, always some on the dryers so I can't put a new load on. So hard to cook and prepare meals with 1yo clinging to my legs and wailing. So hard to even go through her clothes, her drawers are full of things that are too small where I just don't have a chance to sort through anything.

BUT I've been back at work nearly 2 weeks and it genuinely has helped. I am lucky that I work from home so I'm able to get a few bits done around work and slowly things are looking better.

It genuinely is so hard though and you're doing amazingly well to manage it by yourself.x

This reads to me like all the classic symptoms of postnatal depression… you are not enjoying your child, brain fog, struggling to keep house tidy etc.

It is completely understandable as you have so much on your plate, but I would advise speaking to your GP… you might benefit from medication to help lift your spirits and get your mojo back 💐

I think what you’re feeling is normal, OP. I also think it gets better from here. I only started to enjoy parenthood once I went back to work, and having an older child you can communicate with is both easier and more interesting.

Kudos to you for managing this alone. I found it hard enough with a supportive co-parent.

Being a single parent must be very hard and I can’t imagine it but I do know that for me going back to work was the best thing. It allowed me the space to be a better mum when I was with dd. I would look forward to seeing her after work and enjoy the more limited time we had together although it was hard work to juggle work and childcare it was a better balance for me and more emotionally manageable as work is so different from childcare and allowed me to feel like me again.

Wow I am really touched by the support. It’s going back to work that I am panicking about most i think. I can’t really fathom how it will actually work. What if I have to do a pick up due to illness? What if I run out of holiday? What if I can’t manage it all? I only just feel like things are ok at the moment and adding in work feels so scary. I don’t know, I must sound pathetic. I always wonder if he’s happy, I can’t know for sure as he can’t talk. I feel irritated with him often and I know that’s so unfair as he’s a very chilled and lovely baby. It’s hard.

I promise you he is happy OP, you sound like you're a mum that puts him first all the time, which is why you're feeling like this! I totally get where you're coming from with work. What's the childcare you've got organised? Managing toddler illness is a challenge for sure but childcare is a game changer, and if you're a hard worker and otherwise reliable your boss will understand the odd day off when your child is sick. Do you have any other support at all, from parents or family? What's the situation with the father- is he at least doing his bit financially? I know it's scary OP and a huge change but I promise you can do this and I really think you'll be happier in your new routine when it all settles down

What kind of work do you do OP, any chance of working from home even once a week? That would make it a lot easier to manage if your baby is ill from time to time. Hopefully if there's a way you can manage it at home you won't need to use much of your holiday for that reason.

Do you have any support nearby who can help if you need unexpected childcare for a day?

@LeopardPJS @GlitteryGreen i can work from home mostly… at least that was the situation before I went off on maternity. I think I went in the office once a month. I have family support financially if I’m in a hole but not so much practically. I’m dreading having to say to work I have to leave early etc and no idea how I will fit in pick up and drop off

I know all these things feel really overwhelming until you’ve done them, but honestly it is just the reality of being a working parent of young kids, millions of us do it and you can too! I promise your workplace will have seen it all before and will expect to need to cut you a bit of slack, and many of your colleagues will have been through it themselves also. Is your DS going to nursery? What are the hours like?

i was the exact same when my son was 1 until he was about 5. 😂. My situation similar with his father too, gives me about £30 a week but that’s as far as it went and now my son is nearly 11 I’ve done everything on my own. Weening, nursery days, first days of school, parents evenings, sick days, hospital visits the lot! I never hated my son but my god I hated his father for being able to have a life whilst I was and still am confined by school pick
ups, half terms, childcare etc.
It does get a lot better when they are older, you’re freedom restores, you find yourself wishing they’d spend more time with you instead of constantly wanting to be with their friends/in their room etc.
I love my son but I knew pretty early on I would only have the one. The idea of going back to the baby/toddler stage makes me go cold, just as thinking about the awful teenage years that looks ahead of me does too. 😂

Also to add, once theyre out of nursery and out of the very early years settings the colds coughs and bugs die down a little bit so you’re not taking so much time off to collect/stay at home. You won’t be the first snd only parent your boss has had to deal with and you won’t be the last.
If you WFH too you could ask maybe if you do have to pick him up from nursery you could stay logged on an hour extra the following week etc? My employer are very good about this. They also let me come in late if I have assemblies to attend as long as I make it up the following week etc

Every mum feels this way it’s not just you. None of our houses are ever clean from top to bottom. We all forget things. I have bills coming out of my ears, missed payments, send kids without correct kit/ letters etc to school. Basically we all just wing it. I agree with what others have said, you will probably enjoy going back to work and focusing on something other than the house/ your child. It sounds like your partner is not a partner at all! I’d give him an ultimatum now your going back to work. Tell him he needs to step it up.

This age group is really tough. I've got a 3 and 5 year old and i definately prefer this age group. I'm really not a baby person and found it incredibly dull.
Roll onto both of them being older and then you'll have more time to do stuff for yourself esp when your son is in school.

I think the way you are feeling is normal. I myself feel like it often, as do other Mum's I talk too.

It definitely felt easier as my eldest got more independent and started sleeping at night. Meant I actually had time on the evening to myself. Since having the second I've lost that time to myself but I know it will I prove as I've already been at this stage once, which definitely helps me push through.

Back at work next work and dreading it.

All of this!! And you’re really not alone OP, don’t be hard on yourself, a lot of parents feel like this particularly in the early years. I had many of a dark moment of regret around that age! As my child gets older, those moments get fewer and fewer, I promise you.

This is Motherhood when you have no supportive partner. If he was doing his fair share you would not feel this low.
i dreaded going back to work, I was a mess but I think it actually made things easier. You have a chance to miss them and then the time together is of more quality.

Been a single mum.
I know its hard.
It is, however, what it is.
Great moments, shit moments, please be compassionate to yourself.

You only have one. You will be okay

You are a literal superstar doing this largely alone, and your son is a very lucky child to have you as a mum. I have a husband and often think how amazing single mums are. I was alone this week while working and taking care of my 1 and 3 year old, and it was chaos. The floors are a disaster, toys everywhere, but the children are fed and mostly happy (i've been living on scraps of their leftovers because I don't have time, and then it's 9pm and i'm exhausted and just want bed). You're doing the best you can, and your son is going to really appreciate that one day. I heard from a friend that everyone thinks age 0-1 is the hardest, but she thought 1-2 was worse, as they are into everything, they can't talk or rationalise, but they want constant attention etc. I really think that there is a truth in there. I agree with the others though that if you can, you should try get back to work as it really helps to build back confidence and people to talk to. A good workplace really does get behind you when you have a sick child in the background of calls, especially post covid. You've got this x

Being a parent at this stage is about keeping them safe and alive. Don’t be afraid to let them cry for a bit while you shower / take a few minutes for a breather.

Mate, just to say I think you're amazing. I feel like I'm falling apart right now, and that is with a pretty supportive husband. I'm scared about returning to work as well, but it went OK the first time round. DD rarely needed picking up at short notice, and they understood if so. I think you just have to get on with it a bit, but easier said than bloody done I realise

This isn't necessarily true. Some people don't enjoy parenthood regardless of support. It can be more complex than that.

Hopefully your work will be understanding, knowing you're a single mum.

Plus at this age, nurseries provide longer hours than school so you could find one open 7-6 or something along those lines and then hopefully could manage the drop off and pick ups around work. I wfh and pick up my daughter before I've finished, nobody minds at all. You'll find many parents do nursery/school runs during the working day, it's quite common so hopefully your work will be understanding too 😊

Going back to work make the biggest difference with how you're feeling.

If money isn't too tight, get a cleaner even if only once every 2 weeks/month. That'll help with your mental health as well as just keeping the home tidy. It's fucking impossible at times to stay on top of whether you're a sahm or working.

Please please see your doctor. I was diagnosed with PND after I also felt just like this, dd was 10 months old. It was an eye opener. I'd gone back to work which was a godsend. But I still had very low points.

You are doing a stellar job. You're not alone. There is a community of mums, women just like you who understand and will say the same thing - You've got this.

Take it a say at a time, a step at a time. Your son is fine. Look after you now x

just to echo all the lovely PPs who have said what I would / do say which is yup motherhood, especially the early years is hard relentless work and it can feel really like an identity shift (not necessarily to one you want!). For every one of the annoying as hell instamums posting their best life ever, there are 10 mums who are just getting by, having moments of joy as you say you are but also feeing a bit done in, ragged round the edges and wanting a very long weekend break and someone to clean the house and sort out all the sh*t.

You say you are worried about work. I actually think going back to work will make quite a lot of things easier - weirdly it means you have more actual time / more brain space because you have some time away from your LO. All employers have to have some support / recognition of childcare responsibilities (e.g. request for flexible working, allowing emergency pick ups). Obviously what this looks like depends on the individual employer but I'd suggest you ask for a return to work meeting next week to ask what your employer does do to support parents e.g. my employer allows X many days 'childcare' days if your child is sick and you don't have anyone else to help.

Just take it one day at a time. I felt like you, most days I do a bit feel like you (I have a 2 year old). I feel like a shit mum for saying it, but I enjoy work and it makes me a better mum to have some time apart from my daughter. I did and do have bad bad PND though - so if these feelings are overwhelming and not alleviating do seek help. It's out there (GP, Health visitor but also look at PANDAs)