I should never have been a mum

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I am a single parent to a one year old. I do love him but I don’t think I feel how I’m supposed to. I do everything practically that’s right for him, he has everything he needs in that sense. But I honestly hate being a mum most of the time. Some days I love it, and some moments I love. I can’t imagine life without him and wouldn’t chose that if I could go back in time. But I just feel like my life is over through having him. I know in part this is because his dad is a deadbeat who mostly just provides financial support (never even changed a nappy!) but also I think I would have felt this sense of loss in any situation. Ds is constantly needing something from me. I barely eat some days and I was always in the camp that ‘oh of course you can bloody well eat’ when mums said that but actually some days it’s hard to ensure you’ve had a healthy meal. My home is disgusting. Impossible to have everywhere clean and tidy at any given moment. Can’t afford a cleaner really either.

But I just feel like I can’t think. At all. I have so much in my mind that I just try and juggle it all constantly without time to think anything through. I have no idea how I’m going to manage work, I start back on Monday and I don’t know what I will do. I have sort of accepted I may lose my job and already begun looking for back up options. I hate it all. It’s all consuming. Will I ever feel differently or will I have to try and conceal this from ds as he grows?

It's possible that father will be more interested in spending time with the kid as he grows. Not every dad changes nappies.

I agree with other posters that it sounds like you may have some postnatal depression- make an appointment with your GP to discuss it. Regarding going back to work, you may find the routine, doing something for yourself that isn’t “baby focused” and involves using your brain a bit more provides some relief and distraction from some of the difficult feelings you’re having (though you’re going to have to get really organised). Are there grandparents around? If so are they happy to help with your little one? I used to be amazed at how much I could get done when my kids weren’t in the house. Hang in there, it gets better!

Oh love, you're right in the thick of it now but it honestly does get easier. You're a good mum, you're just exhausted and overwhelmed. I found the first couple of years really, really hard and that's with a supportive DH so I know I would have struggled massively with solo parenting. Is there anyone close to you who could have your DS overnight to give you a break? Or maybe hire a babysitter for a few hours if you can afford to, even if all you do with that time is sleep or watch TV!

I think it’s worth remembering that you don’t have to love every phase of parenthood in order to be a good parent. I enjoy parenting my toddler much more than I did when he was a baby. Things change so fast. I know it doesn’t feel like that now. Hang in there x

I adore my little boy but I am feeling very similar. I return to work on Monday now that he is 9 months old. I am a lone parent, constantly on the go, losing sleep on an evening in order to have a quiet moment to myself - This is usually spent cleaning! I don’t know how I will handle returning to work. It is so hard. Thank you for making me feel less alone. I hope you see how much support you have. Sending love. Best of luck for Monday. You’ll be fab. x

Hey, I became a single mum when my daughter was 18 months. It was awful being a mum with her dad around, but I just swapped awful for a different kind of awful.

it is so damn tough being a single parent of a little one.

everyone around you having babies seems to be sooo bloody happy and sorted, and like you say, you are flat out shaving your armpits and drinking a cold cup of tea on a morning.

the best advice I can give you is to drop ALL of your expectations of what this ‘motherhood’ should have been like and just tell yourself, your goal is to meet baby’s basic needs, and you basic needs each day. Food, hygiene, LOVE. Love your baby, and bloody love yourself. Most days you will achieve this, some you won’t.

you may have to drop ideas of owning your own car, or saving for your own home. If you can mange working part time then do. You need to start forming some idea of yourself, independent from baby and it will bring you closer together.

your partnered friends cannot understand what your life is like- so seek out other single mums who get how bloody tough it is.

what I can promise you. In time- the bond you and your child have will be absolutely incomparable to other parents who are in relationships. You have a gift, to do things your way, the right way and you have absolutely no obligation to follow the other parents direction. The first few years are absolutely the hardest for any mum. My daughter is ten now and although I have repartnered, I am so incredibly proud of what I achieved bringing her up. Some days were fucking horrible, and sometimes the days turned into horrible weeks, but she and I both know, 100% that I’ve got her- she can turn to me for anything and everything.

find ways to make your life easier, even if that includes not working for a while.

mumma, you have totally got this and you are EXACTLY where you need to be xxxxxxx

Having someone to regularly talk to in-person could be helpful for you, I would recommend having a home start volunteer for support. For my local one you can self refer or your health visitor can refer.

I've been through similar.
When I was in The thick of it I wish ( in hind sight) I had realised that, despite how hopeless I felt, my kids adored me like no other. I know this because it's ' logical' and it's how children are supposed to feel and they're relating to me is normal . I felt so desolate with no support network.
A few decades later' The Silence is deafening 'with them all grown up and self sufficient.
Their father spirited them away after brainwashing them in order to get his hands on our joint assets. Then he disappeared from their life again.
Rebuilding a life takes time, rubbing shoulders with friends, becoming financially stable all helps to build a life worth living.

Best to have a really good social life before children because they are 'your work' after they are born.

All I can say is that I was really happy at home with three little boys born in just four years. I went back to work part-time when the youngest was 7 because I wanted to be there when they came back from school.

You are not alone although it may feel like it. Please talk to a health visitor or a nurse /Dr at your surgery.

I felt like this, I carried on, went back to work and 3 years later found myself in a very bad way mentally. A short course of meds and some talking therapy and I'm back to my old self. My only regret is not seeking the suport and help sooner.

They always tell you when you listen to the safety briefing on a plane, to put your mask on first so you can then look after your child, it's the same with life.

Start making the steps to finding yourself again. You are doing an amazing job already just geting through the days, take little steps and soon things will be easier I promise.

But do ask for help. X

My maternity leave was the worst year. I was pretty close to having PND and I was loosing it at my partner as he still did as he pleases. I went back to work in a school 7.5 hours to start then I took 4 more hours per week then voluntary within 8 months of being there I’m now full time and my mental health is never been better. I do feel guilty but I know that I’d be in a worse place not working plus it just helps with my identity. You will probably feel 100 times better doing work. I send my daughter to a childminder that I’ve known years which helps and I get 85% back through Uc even working full time

you can do this and I’ve felt the same as you plenty of times!

It’s the hardest time, they are very dependent on you and if you are on your own completely it’s even harder, please remember that these times will pass and soon they will be 4 going to school then 11 going to high school and won’t need you half as much it all moves quicker than you think Easier said than done but appreciate it all and look at the bigger picture

There's nothing 'wrong' with how you feel, it's hard, especially on your own, and not every stage is a joy. You may just be someone who doesn't get much out of the baby stage and that's fine.

I agree that work may help, you'll enjoy the feeling of not being 'mum' 100% of the time and having other stuff to think about. I got made redundant at the end of my second mat leave and it was another 6 months before I found a job, so I was out of the work loop for 18 months but it was totally fine to get back into it even after that time and with a new role.

Good luck with going back to work and I hope it goes well - be kind to yourself.

Talk to your dr.

postpartum depression can last even three years!

it should not be this hard. Yes, you have stuff going on that sucks, but it may be some postpartum - and that’s a bear!

as for work. It may help you feel more normal again!

I’m very lucky that my fiancé is a great Dad and I still feel like this some days, it’s normal to miss our old lives! Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m currently on mat leave with #2 and really hate it, work gives me a break from being a mom.

Although it gets more challenging in different ways as they get older it becomes so much more rewarding. My 3yo is honestly my little best mate

Our house is also a tip 90% of the time but we are all clean, fed and happy

It gets better when you go back to work, I hated the last few months of my mat leave because I was so bored and just mum all the time.

I completely agree with this as my 6 year old is so much more independent these days. It used to be so exhausting when he was constantly attached to me in a sling and wouldn’t stop crying unless I was stood up rocking him. I don’t miss those days 🥴