Vile SIL and Christmas

[IhateRachelclub]

My SIL lets call her Rachel is vile, she has temper tantrums regularly. Generally directed at her father. Usually, the tantrums will be for something nobody has any idea about, she will sulk for months, and be outright nasty for ages.

To the current dilemma. MIL has been seriously ill recently and is recovering. I asked DH to find out what MIL and Rachel's plans are for Christmas, if it’s at our house I will need to order food etc.

SIL left DH on read (so we knew she was pissed off at one or both of us), then yesterday she sent a calculated rude message, saying Christmas is her mother’s religious festival and she (SIL) will cook as she always has.

This is meant to be nasty as I am Muslim and Christmas has no religious bearing for me. I and DH and our DC all join in the festivities with his family to keep them happy and it is fun being with family. Frankly if I could stay home and relax with my kids watching crap on TV and just being together it would be far cheaper and agreeable for us.

SIL’s behaviour during Christmas’s past has been as follows, she will wake up late huff and puff at all ‘the work’, be rude and shouty with her mother, we all pitch in (she isn’t doing the work herself by any means), washing dishes and chopping veg, getting the turkey in the oven, and OMG I made gravy one year, and she was so vile to me kept telling me my gravy was floury and she preferred the tinned gravy. I’ve not made her gravy since, she gets her tinned gravy every time now, despite asking me last year where the vegetarian gravy was (she is vegetarian when it suits her), I told I know she found my gravy to taste floury so we’d ensured we had her fave tinned gravy in.

I know MIL does not want Christmas at her house she is not well and its too much for her, but this is what will happen as SIL bullies her mother to do what she wants. SIL will then be a martyr and spend the day being nasty and bitchy to me and DH (who is used to his sister’s nastiness). Then we will no doubt hear about how hard done by she is for the rest of the year.

I personally do not want to go to MIL’s this Christmas, my older DC will be at work, we don’t celebrate Christmas so they take on shifts for their colleagues who do. I don’t want to spend my day walking on eggshells around SIL and listening to her bitching at me and trying not to walk in on her bitching about me to her mum. I don’t want or need to hear her nastiness. She is vile, I know this, I don’t need more reason to dislike her.

I am fine for DH to go and take our younger DC because I know MIL will want to see her DGC. But he’s upset that his mum will be upset if I don’t go.

I don’t want to be a target for SIL and I know I will utterly lose it with her, I’ve spent years biting my tongue and laughing off her bad behaviour. I don’t want to anymore. She is horrible, she has a long history of being nasty at every opportunity to me and DH. I don’t want to be available for her to abuse anymore.

How do I go about this without hurting MIL and giving SIL more ammunition to be nasty?

Your poor MIL. How old is your SIL? Does she work?

Either stay home and have a chilled day by yourself or go to the family day and lose your shit with her when she starts on you. I wouldn't be tolerating this behaviour, my mil ruined my Christmas every year for 10 years asking when we'd produce grandchildren, which unbeknownst to her we'd been trying for year with no luck. We are no contact with her now after she asked if I'd like to adopt her constipated shit when she eventually went to the toilet. Im telling you my life is so much less stressful!

She did what, @Speedygonzales78?

Stay home Christmas day and invite mil Boxing Day for a lovely buffet lunch.. Just mil.

Even in a fairly ill state whilst she had been constipated for around 3 weeks and 2 stints in hospital she couldn't help herself.
She likened being so bunged up to carry a full term baby, her exact words " when I finally manage to pass this stool do you want to adopt it"
Right before her saying this the conversation was yet again snide digs to my already flushed teary face "don't you fancy having any kids"

I’d have no time for DH saying ‘he’s upset that his mum will be upset if I don’t go’. It’s unacceptable that he expects you to be abused by his sister in front of your own kids, so his mum (who does what whilst this is going on? Sweet FA?) doesn’t ‘get upset’. Why does no one care about you being upset? Has MIL ever told SIL to stop, maybe not this year if she’s unwell but in previous years? Does DH ever stick up for you? It sounds like one messed up family dynamic tbh, one that I would be removing myself from completely because you can only control your own actions. I’d also be very wary of my kids being involved- them seeing SIL without you if she’s going to insult you to them is not ok either.

I'd message mil and ask her whether she would like to pop to yours for a few hours in the morning to see everyone as you won't be accepting sil's invitation this year.

You need to find out whether Dh would actually like to go.

Invite mil round for a few games etc with everyone then have a lovely chilled day. I wouldn't put up with that.

Go see your MIL on Xmas Eve, leave a present and tell her you'll see her in a few days.

She might be a bit upset but she'll have her son and grandchild so I'm sure she'll be fine.

We can't always get what we want no matter what age we are, and she must surely see that her daughter treats you like shit.

Have your Christmas visit to your MIL early, and on your terms. Stay at home on December 25th, and your husband can take your younger children to his sister's. She's going to bitch anyway, but at least you'll be out of it.

Why wait until Christmas to blow up on her?

Just don't go. Stop being a martyr!

Why do people tie themselves in knots over one bloody day? Go and see your MIL on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, she won't be alone on the day itself - her delightful dd will be with her!

But he’s upset that his mum will be upset if I don’t go

I expect he will get over his upset.

Don’t go; show your children that if someone is nasty to you then you don’t have to spend time with them. I’m assuming your sil will at least be nice to your DC? It’s not your fault that your mil can’t stand up to her daughter.
I have some similar dynamics in my in laws (your first paragraph sounds like one of my in laws) and I’ve tried over the years to smooth things over and keep the in laws I do like happy at the cost of my own stress. Now I leave them to it and I do what is best for me and my DC, DH makes his own choices but has largely followed what I do. I decided that they aren’t my family dynamics to get in the middle of and my in laws need to stand up for themselves and make their own choices

Don't leave the decision to SiL? Tell her what you are doing (eg: DC1 is working, DH will go to visit MIL with DC2, you will be home)

Or
Invite your MIL over for part of the day, and leave SIL to her own devices?

or
(my preference) go for a bit and tell SIL to stop being such a twat. every time she is a twat.

Why communication with Sil. Ask MIL if she wants to go to yours.

Why is your husband talking to SIL and not talking to MIL directly? If he thinks his mother would not want a house full of people, he should contact her and offer to host the whole event.

Tell your sil you and the kids aren’t coming because she’s a rude to you. Kick it off. Stick to your word. And privately message in laws if they want to do boxing day with you but make it clear it’s without sil.

Your SIL sounds like a selfish immature twit. Anyway, can you speak to your MIL and invite her to yours or go round on Boxing Day and take a pressie etc

She said what?

Just when you think people can't stoop any lower. I'm so sorry.

I couldn’t read the full post but you sound like you’ve made your mind up. Why bother at all? I’d just back off and keep minimal contact if you don’t like them. It’s your husbands side of the family so let him deal with it. Your SIL sounds difficult but imo so do you tbh. Why bother asking about Xmas if you don’t like them! Just say nothing and if they invite you at a later date you can say ‘oh sorry I assumed you were doing something together and we’ve made other plans!’ Also you say Xmas has no bearing for you but you have a lot of feelings about it for someone who doesn’t care. Leave the communications with them to your husband; it’s not your problem and as you don’t like them seems like an obvious solution.

Tbh, no one sounds as if they have offered an invitation for Christmas. A direct invitation “we’d be delighted if you would join us for Xmas lunch at 3pm on Christmas Day” is much more straightforward than text messages asking what’s happening.
I think in your shoes I would ask MiL directly if she would prefer Xmas at yours this year. If she does want that, then you can say to SiL that Mil will be joining you for Xmas and that SiL is welcome too. Or not, if you don’t want her at your house.
Sod all the fannying about, be direct ( stay polite to keep the upper hand with SiL. In an ideal world, DH should tell SIL that MiL isn’t up to hosting in her house this year, so you’ll ( you and DH) be hosting at yours. If SiL is rude then he can tell her not come.

I don’t get it. Sounds like all she did was send a text saying she would cook? Sounds like she wants Christmas at MIL’s and you want Christmas at yours? If Christmas isn’t important to you anyway, you don’t need to be territorial about it 💁🏼‍♀️

I think you give DH the challenge of resolving it.

DH, I want to support you so if that means going to MILs, fine. However, I will not tolerate XUZ behaviour. If your sister behaves in that way, what will YOU do to address it?

If he won't, then you dont go. Other peoples people pleasing, conflict avoidance shouldn't extend to allowing you to be treated like shit. You have a say in that by setting up a boundary now and letting him make a choice.

Oh god @Speedygonzales78 I'm so sorry your MIL sounds utterly horrific.

SIL is in her mid 40's. MIL and DH are used to letting her have her own way when she tantrums, they all walk on eggshells around her.

FIL is a bit more removed from it all, when she tantrums he lets her get on with it and she usually gets over it, generally when she wants something from him, and resumes as if nothing happened.

To be fair SIL is really lovely to all my DC, and that is the only reason I have tolerated her for a decade. But I honestly have had enough of her.

I love the idea of going by on Christmas eve dropping off gifts for MIL and having a chilled day at home on Christmas.

For those asking, DH has spent over forty years appeasing SIL, and MIL has been really seriously unwell recently and neither of us want to cause her more upset. SIL is probably causing her enough stress.

This.