Vile SIL and Christmas

[IhateRachelclub]

My SIL lets call her Rachel is vile, she has temper tantrums regularly. Generally directed at her father. Usually, the tantrums will be for something nobody has any idea about, she will sulk for months, and be outright nasty for ages.

To the current dilemma. MIL has been seriously ill recently and is recovering. I asked DH to find out what MIL and Rachel's plans are for Christmas, if it’s at our house I will need to order food etc.

SIL left DH on read (so we knew she was pissed off at one or both of us), then yesterday she sent a calculated rude message, saying Christmas is her mother’s religious festival and she (SIL) will cook as she always has.

This is meant to be nasty as I am Muslim and Christmas has no religious bearing for me. I and DH and our DC all join in the festivities with his family to keep them happy and it is fun being with family. Frankly if I could stay home and relax with my kids watching crap on TV and just being together it would be far cheaper and agreeable for us.

SIL’s behaviour during Christmas’s past has been as follows, she will wake up late huff and puff at all ‘the work’, be rude and shouty with her mother, we all pitch in (she isn’t doing the work herself by any means), washing dishes and chopping veg, getting the turkey in the oven, and OMG I made gravy one year, and she was so vile to me kept telling me my gravy was floury and she preferred the tinned gravy. I’ve not made her gravy since, she gets her tinned gravy every time now, despite asking me last year where the vegetarian gravy was (she is vegetarian when it suits her), I told I know she found my gravy to taste floury so we’d ensured we had her fave tinned gravy in.

I know MIL does not want Christmas at her house she is not well and its too much for her, but this is what will happen as SIL bullies her mother to do what she wants. SIL will then be a martyr and spend the day being nasty and bitchy to me and DH (who is used to his sister’s nastiness). Then we will no doubt hear about how hard done by she is for the rest of the year.

I personally do not want to go to MIL’s this Christmas, my older DC will be at work, we don’t celebrate Christmas so they take on shifts for their colleagues who do. I don’t want to spend my day walking on eggshells around SIL and listening to her bitching at me and trying not to walk in on her bitching about me to her mum. I don’t want or need to hear her nastiness. She is vile, I know this, I don’t need more reason to dislike her.

I am fine for DH to go and take our younger DC because I know MIL will want to see her DGC. But he’s upset that his mum will be upset if I don’t go.

I don’t want to be a target for SIL and I know I will utterly lose it with her, I’ve spent years biting my tongue and laughing off her bad behaviour. I don’t want to anymore. She is horrible, she has a long history of being nasty at every opportunity to me and DH. I don’t want to be available for her to abuse anymore.

How do I go about this without hurting MIL and giving SIL more ammunition to be nasty?

Your DH and youngest can go on xmas day, you can have a relaxed and safe day at home. Then boxing day or christmas eve have an informal meal or drink out maybe, or you could host it. It could be festive but not too christmassy (Although you go along with it, you don't have to be christmassy if you don't celebrate it, and they should respect that)

The best thing I ever did was become NC with my SIL.
I won’t be anyone’s verbal punch bag, family or not.

Did you read the whole post? Because it's clear there's a lot more to it than that.

I think it’s a very good strategy. Spread your visits so MiL doesn’t feel lonely. Tell her you will come to spend Xmas Eve with her, then SIL will be in charge of Xmas day naturally. Then DH visits again on Boxing Day. When you are unwell and older you prefer your relatives in smaller doses.
But do go on Christmas Eve rather than Boxing Day, to be first.

I think it’s a very good strategy. Spread your visits so MiL doesn’t feel lonely. Tell her you will come to spend Xmas Eve with her, then SIL will be in charge of Xmas day naturally. Then DH visits again on Boxing Day. When you are unwell and older you prefer your relatives in smaller doses.
But do go on Christmas Eve rather than Boxing Day, to be first.

I'm not going to go.

We can't have MIL over for a couple of hours as she is very unwell and it would be a stay over for her. DH would drive her to and from her house. MIL was telling him she'd be fine staying in my older DC's room, I was going to give her our room though.

Christmas is at MIL's not SIL's. SIL dictates where Christmas will be.

I think we will all go visit MIL for a bit on Christmas eve, exchange gifts and admire her decs etc and leave. Thank you for that suggestion. Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

Then it's up to DH if he wants to go to his mums on actual Christmas day and take the younger DC with him.

If Rachel asks I will tell her she's clearly angry and being rude, and I'm not prepared to sit around whilst she takes it out on me.
I doubt she will ask. But next time she tries this (and there will be a next time, there always is with her. I will factually tell her to go boil her head).

I only put up with her for MIL. Once MIL and FIL are gone, she will not see me or my DC for dust, I doubt DH will want to see her either.

To the PP who said she stopped giving a crap about her IL's, yes that is the point I have reached with Rachel, but my MIL, FIL, SMIL and other SIL's are really loving kind people and I love being a part of the family.

Loads of good advice already. Last resort if nothing else works out is to say you are going and then be sick on the day. You couldn't possibly attend at the risk of making ill MIL sick with whatever bug you've picked up. You'll see her when you've recovered a few days later.

You are being sacrificed so your MIL will not be upset, but your SIL will upset your MIL, whether you are there or not. If you go, there will be one more unhappy person, so what is the point of that?

A Christmas morning (or Christmas Eve or Boxing Day) visit is probably the best option.

You should have told her to shut her mouth from the start, or at least after year one. Any snide comment, just laugh and say that she obviously has issues with herself if she has to bully others. You are showing your dc that she can be rude to you unchallenged. Go, and this time rip her a new one and enjoy it.

Oh, cross posted.

That sounds like a really good plan. 😊

Personally, I would say you are having a chilled Christmas at home and you will get together with MIL and FIL on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day or another day when your older DC are not at work to swap presents and have some food at your house.

I'd just dress it up as reducing the stress of catering for a large group for SIL and getting together at a time your older DC can be included. You don't need to invite SIL.

Just say you’re not going to be joining them and offer an alternative of your choosing (evening out seeing Xmas lights/MIL round Boxing Day/etc).

I come from a very high stress & conflict family, I went to my mums at the other end of the country for years because it was tradition and cooked because she got too stressed and no one volunteered. Every year everybody argued, kids cried and old grudges were dragged ups We couldn’t go one year for COVID and I loved it so now we visit after Christmas.

You can set your boundaries for whatever suits you, you’re not responsible for everyone else’s feelings. Your sister in law will have a cob on whatever so you’re not really ruining Christmas.

Ok but surely this is up to your MIL? And what’s the solution. It’s not really fair to insist on chirstmas at yours when the holiday isn’t important to you is it?
Just sounds like you don’t get on and are needlessly fighting.

Also to clarify, religious differences have never been an issue in our family, we all get along fine and respect each others beliefs or lack of. there has never ever been any issue about it.

And this is why I'm feeling especially hurt, that she's trying to weaponise our religious differences, when we've all happily joined in celebrations, Christmas DH used to play church organ at MIL's church during midnight mass till they found a permanent organist, Eid, Easter we send eachother sweets and chocolates to mark the festivals, etc it's really hurtful and particularly nasty even for SIL.

@Tandora I don't care where the celebration is. I don't want to be around SIL.

MIL doesn't want it at hers its too much for her, but SIL sounds like she has bullied her into having it at MIL's house.

But you did say that Christmas wasn’t important to you but you join in?
Perhaps it wasn’t the most sensitive way for SIL to frame the issue, but it sounds like the two of you really dislike each other..

I think maybe what’s missing here is recognition of how acutely sensitive Christmas traditions can be for some people. It can be a triggering time for family members, and it’s often a source of conflict when there are competing ideas/ priorities within families of how to spend the day/ who is going to cook etc.

I'd send a saccharine reply back to Rachel. Something like:

That sounds lovely. I'm sure MIL will enjoy your delicious cooking as always. We will pop by to MIL's on Xmas eve to drop off some presents and spend some time with MIL and we will invite MIL and FIL to a meal at ours on a different day.

This thread is a perfect example of how people should start to phase Christmas out.

I’m not surprised you’ve had enough. Everyone has a limit and you’ve reached yours.

It’s like an enormous game of pass the parcel guilt in that family.

It sounds like you have a great attitude and if you can manage it, just stay clear and factual if you’re pressed. You don’t have to make it bigger than it is, and don’t pass the emotional blackmail parcel on, or accept it. It’s time to set it down calmly.

It’s enough to say that dh and the dc will come for Christmas, or that you won’t be joining them - you don’t need to offer an excuse or explanation.

Her message was meant to be mean to me specifically bringing up religion to be divisive.

If she's so keen on religion ask her what time the Christmas morning service is that she'll be attending and whether she will go to Midnight Mass too.

If both you and DH 'decline the invitation' will 'Rachel' carry on fixing a big Xmas Dinner if it's just her and MiL? Because if not, then both of you declining would solve 2 problems. You won't subject yourself to Rachel's nastiness AND MiL will not have to deal with the hassle that comes with hosting holiday dinners.

If you plan to do the Xmas Eve 'drop by visit' I'd be vague as to the time and try to make it NOT around a meal time otherwise Rachel might move the dinner to Xmas Eve and you won't have avoided anything.

And all other religious observations or are just just attacking the Christians' beliefs?

People like ‘Rachel’ you just can’t change. She sounds like my mother!

Visit MIL on Christmas Eve, exchange gifts, let DH take the children on Christmas Day, and lounge in your pj’s with crap tv and chocolates. Then have a nice meal together as a family together night and sigh that it’s over for another 12 months.

@IhateRachelclub I would accidentally tip the gravy down Rachel’s front.
Stand firm op.
Your dh and mil are just as important as Rachel. You need to tell them this.

SIL is not religious at all she prides herself in that fact, MIL goes to mass and is very devout.

Reading these responses I've realised why I've let it go on for so long. My IL's except Rachel are so lovely I don't want to cause a massive ruction in the family. I care deeply how my MIL and everyone feels, I don't want them to be hurt.

I am going to stop being pulled around for Christmas, DH can do as he pleases, I will be spending Christmas at home from now, before I met DH I used to have an open door policy and friends who were on their own would drop by if they wanted and we'd just all have a nice time. I'm going back to that.