Page 5 | Worried my child will be kidnapped

KittyK8765 · 2023-10-31T19:50:37+00:00

Very anxious parent looking for advice. My ex hasn't had contact with our DD (5) for quite a while now (his choice) but has somehow found out what school she goes to. I have been informed by the school that he has contacted them demanding to be added to the contact list. I am worried about what his agenda is and concerned that he may go to school at the end of the day and pick DD up. School have said that they would release DD to him as he has provided proof that he is named on the BC. DD would be confused and unsettled if she saw him as she hasn't seen him in such a long time. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance

Original poster

KittyK8765 · 01/11/2023 22:14

financialcareerstuff · 01/11/2023 22:12

I'm sorry I don't understand this- You have said he's never been abusive or harmed your child in any way. You haven't mentioned any misbehaviour towards you either.

Why aren't you simply contacting him to discuss with him how he can have access to his DD if he wants it?

Shouldn't the question be why isn't he contacting me to discuss access, instead of using underhand tactics to find out information on our daughter who he hasn't even bothered to see or financially contribute towards to for years?

OP posts:

financialcareerstuff · 01/11/2023 22:29

Well we don't have any information on your relationship with him..... but it sounds like he doesn't enjoy talking to you?
And he is not here to be questioned, whereas you are asking about what you should do. My suggestion would be to call him and have a sensible conversation.

Heavensabove3005 · 01/11/2023 22:31

No way should any school be releasing a child to anyone UNLESS they are on the named contacts or have been notified by the parent to do so. Regardless of the birth certificate.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/11/2023 22:54

Heavensabove3005 · 01/11/2023 22:31

No way should any school be releasing a child to anyone UNLESS they are on the named contacts or have been notified by the parent to do so. Regardless of the birth certificate.

The schools contact form doesn’t override the law.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 01/11/2023 23:10

Littlefish · 31/10/2023 21:49

If a parent has PR, the school cannot refuse to let the child go with them.

What the school can do is delay by saying 'this is a change to the usual pattern of pick-ups. We will just need to check with the other parent.

They can if the resident parent has PSO!

User56785 · 02/11/2023 08:13

Prescottdanni123 · 01/11/2023 13:05

@User56785
I don't know what's nonsensical about a school letting a child go with her estranged father when they have been informed of a kidnap risk being a Safeguarding issue.

If a student's mother spoke to you and said that she didn't want her child to go home with her dad because A) child has not seen him for years and the fact he is trying to get access via the school and not her is weird and B)there could be a kidnap risk, would you honestly just let the child go with her father immediately if he turned up? Or would you stall while you got in touch with senior leadership and child's mum? How would you even know that he was definitely her dad if you hadn't even seen a photo of him?

Edited

No, I wouldn't send a child home with anyone who just said they were the child's father.

That's not the situation though. The OP said

"School have said that they would release DD to him as he has provided proof that he is named on the BC."

Sartre · 02/11/2023 08:15

The school shouldn’t have added him to the list because you’re her sole carer and it’s your decision who does or doesn’t go on that list. Plenty of abusive parents out there who obviously have NC and therefore can’t be added to that list. They had zero authority to do that and could be endangering your DC. Seek legal advice and possibly move schools.

ApolloandDaphne · 02/11/2023 08:28

Heavensabove3005 · 01/11/2023 22:31

No way should any school be releasing a child to anyone UNLESS they are on the named contacts or have been notified by the parent to do so. Regardless of the birth certificate.

But he is the parent!

Valhalla17 · 02/11/2023 08:37

ApolloandDaphne · 02/11/2023 08:28

But he is the parent!

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That's debatable.

He may have helped create this child, but he's far from being a parent at this stage.

WrongSwanson · 02/11/2023 08:48

ApolloandDaphne · 02/11/2023 08:28

But he is the parent!

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Come on. Imagine being a 5 year old girl. You haven't seen your dad in years. You really think you would feel remotely ok if he picked you up from school unannounced?

Prescottdanni123 · 02/11/2023 09:18

@User56785

But you would send a child off with their biological father even though she hasn't seen him in years, neither you nor her mum know what sort of man he is, and you have been informed that there is a kidnapping threat?

Lastchancechica · 02/11/2023 16:52

ApolloandDaphne · 02/11/2023 08:28

But he is the parent!

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He is not a parent. A parent is someone that parents a child, he has never done this.

Lastchancechica · 02/11/2023 16:53

A sperm donor maybe at best.

Turfwars · 02/11/2023 17:05

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/11/2023 10:11

His new interest is likely because he has a new girlfriend who he’s given the “psycho ex, won’t let me see my child” sob story too and they’ve fallen into the trap of so many and are helping them “know their rights”

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Well, this in a nutshell is the most likely explanation for his renewed interest. And if it's not a girlfriend that he's bullshitting, it's a family member of his who only found out that he's fathered a child and he's lied to.

Sapphire387 · 02/11/2023 19:43

Onethingatatime23 · 01/11/2023 10:24

I think people should have their parental rights automatically withdrawn after a period if they don't bother to attempt to see their child or contribute financially. It's completely wrong that someone the child barely knows could just turn up at school and take them away. What a stupid system.

I completely agree with this. It is outrageous that someone - usually a man let's face it - can just swan in and out of a child's life or just be totally absent, take no proper responsibility, not spend any time with them, not even pay maintenance, and still be treated as legally equal to the parent (usually mother) who stayed. Just because he once fucked a woman unprotected, doesn't make him a dad. He should be 'struck off'. It is not in the child's interests to have contact with such a rubbish, unreliable 'parent'.

User56785 · 02/11/2023 20:01

Prescottdanni123 · 02/11/2023 09:18

@User56785

But you would send a child off with their biological father even though she hasn't seen him in years, neither you nor her mum know what sort of man he is, and you have been informed that there is a kidnapping threat?

Edited

Again, what I said was that your post of

"Did you tell school you think he is unsafe/there is a kidnapping risk? If they would still release her after being told that just because his name is on a birth certificate then their safeguarding sounds pretty shocking. Definitely get legal advice."

is nonsense.

Whydoifeelsobadallthetime · 02/11/2023 20:57

Sapphire387 · 02/11/2023 19:43

I completely agree with this. It is outrageous that someone - usually a man let's face it - can just swan in and out of a child's life or just be totally absent, take no proper responsibility, not spend any time with them, not even pay maintenance, and still be treated as legally equal to the parent (usually mother) who stayed. Just because he once fucked a woman unprotected, doesn't make him a dad. He should be 'struck off'. It is not in the child's interests to have contact with such a rubbish, unreliable 'parent'.

Show quote history

I agree. DDs biological father, a man who has given her precisely 2 Christmas gifts in her life, has provided £170 to her financial upkeep in her entire life (including the pack of nappies and 2 vests he purchased her when she was newly born). He hasn't seen her in 11 years, and she's 10 weeks from being 16 years old.

He has the exact same rights as her parent, as I do...it makes no sense.

Prescottdanni123 · 03/11/2023 16:11

@User56785

You clearly misunderstood. Yes, I do think that it is a Safeguarding fail if a school immediately released a child without stalling or ringing the mum when they had already been informed of a kidnapping risk, just because father's name is on birth certificate. That is what I meant in my first post. I ask again, what is nonsense about that?

You are still skirting around my question. If you had been informed of a kidnapping risk, would you release a child without first stalling contacting SLT and her mum?

Thisismynewusernamedoyoulikeit · 03/11/2023 16:32

Prescottdanni123 · 03/11/2023 16:11

@User56785

You clearly misunderstood. Yes, I do think that it is a Safeguarding fail if a school immediately released a child without stalling or ringing the mum when they had already been informed of a kidnapping risk, just because father's name is on birth certificate. That is what I meant in my first post. I ask again, what is nonsense about that?

You are still skirting around my question. If you had been informed of a kidnapping risk, would you release a child without first stalling contacting SLT and her mum?

Any secondary school would.

Thisismynewusernamedoyoulikeit · 03/11/2023 16:38

I know the child is five, but the point is that there needs to be a certain amount of common sense involved here. Schools aren't the police, nor are they a court of law. If a person can prove they're a parent and school refuse to release them, that would be kidnap unless they have good reason to believe that the child is at significant risk of harm. The other parent saying "He might kidnap her but I have no reason to think that" is not a good reason.

You need to get the courts involved. Schools have enough to deal with without also being expected to sub in for the legal system.

AgentJohnson · 03/11/2023 16:55

My advice is to get ahead of whatever his motives are. Don’t be ambushed, contact a solicitor and get professional legal advice.

QuillBill · 03/11/2023 19:09

Prescottdanni123 · 03/11/2023 16:11

@User56785

You clearly misunderstood. Yes, I do think that it is a Safeguarding fail if a school immediately released a child without stalling or ringing the mum when they had already been informed of a kidnapping risk, just because father's name is on birth certificate. That is what I meant in my first post. I ask again, what is nonsense about that?

You are still skirting around my question. If you had been informed of a kidnapping risk, would you release a child without first stalling contacting SLT and her mum?

@Prescottdanni123 you are totally derailing the OP's thread by trying to back up what you said earlier when you said the school weren't following safeguarding adequately.

The school's hands are tied, whatever you or I or anyone else feels. That's why we have a court system. That way people don't have to make on the spot decisions in situations like this.

Nobody has said they would send a child home without stalling or getting a member of SLT.

The poster you are arguing with is just saying that the school has to follow the law, because they do.

Prescottdanni123 · 03/11/2023 21:17

@QuillBill

All I said was that schools don't have to release kids immediately if there is a Safeguarding issue. Which is what a kidnap risk is. There are things that they can do to buy time while they contact child's mother, without refusing to hand child over outright. Which is what other posters have said schools can do and what OP's school has done. One poster misunderstood my post and has continued to argue that I am talking nonsense despite me explaining what I meant several times. Admittedly I maybe didn't word myself very well the first time. If that poster had just accepted it was a misunderstanding, I wouldn't have had to explain what I meant several times over.