Worried my child will be kidnapped

[KittyK8765]

Very anxious parent looking for advice.

My ex hasn't had contact with our DD (5) for quite a while now (his choice) but has somehow found out what school she goes to. I have been informed by the school that he has contacted them demanding to be added to the contact list.

I am worried about what his agenda is and concerned that he may go to school at the end of the day and pick DD up. School have said that they would release DD to him as he has provided proof that he is named on the BC.

DD would be confused and unsettled if she saw him as she hasn't seen him in such a long time.

Does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance

Why would he kidnap a child he doesn't even bother to see?

Well exactly!

Given he is a stranger to both now, it’s really rather worrying isn’t it.

Why would he contact school, demand a parent consultation and ask to be added to the contact list for a child he doesn't bother to see?

His new interest is likely because he has a new girlfriend who he’s given the “psycho ex, won’t let me see my child” sob story too and they’ve fallen into the trap of so many and are helping them “know their rights”

You don’t know who he is now op, or his motivations for contacting the school and trying to access her in this way.

He could just apply for visitation. His underhand actions are concerning to say the least..and makes me think he wouldn’t be granted access in a court for some reason.

https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/apply-for-court-order
This might help.

My DC's father was abusive. He didn't have contact from the age of 18 months to 4 years of age. I didn't have a child arrangement order (CAO) as didn't think it was necessary. However, I told nursery and school about the background who both said that while they would be technically unable to stop XP collecting DC if he had PR, they would stall it long enough for me to get there and remove DC myself, calling the police if necessary.

When DC reached the age of 4, I decided to apply for a CAO largely to avoid foreign travel issues. Despite not being bothered in the last 2.5 years, and never having paid any maintenance ever, he contested it. I was never against contact but wanted it supervised for a number of reasons which I'd fortunately had the good sense to document with social services at the time, so there was a record. I self represented. Magistrate decreed that XP could have contact but at my discretion (calling me "sensible and reasonable" because I wasn't seeking to block contact completely). He also mandated it be preceded by 6 months at a contact centre first so XP could prove his newfound commitment safely first. We've never seen XP since and DC are now grown up.

I would get a CAO and if I felt it was necessary a PSO. If there are safeguarding concerns, I'd discuss with SS and ensure that information is shared with school. As in my case, they will likely then stall long enough to prevent your X taking the DC.

Good luck. 💐

It’s highly unlikely he wouldn’t be granted access in court.

The courts allow men who abuse their families to still have access. He’d have to have some some spectacular things to not get access.

My ex would try.

I don’t really know the reasoning behind it.

He was just controlling and very angry that I had his child and wanted to ruin my life like I ruined his apparently (even though he never had nothing to do with her and I didn’t ask for nothing from him 🤔).

Some people have unstable minds and do not think as rationally as the rest of us.

If OP’s ex wanted contact with DD, the first person he’d speak to would obviously be OP.
The fact that he hadn’t, speaks volumes.

I think people should have their parental rights automatically withdrawn after a period if they don't bother to attempt to see their child or contribute financially. It's completely wrong that someone the child barely knows could just turn up at school and take them away. What a stupid system.

I'm in half agreement with this. For people like my XP or someone like the OPs XP, absolutely. However, there are some cases where people drop out of their DCs life because they're facing other issues, e.g. mental illness, drug addiction which they later recover from, etc. Parents who get past these issues can still have a valuable role to play supporting their children, and ultimately it's the child's best interests we need to consider.

However, as I've got older I've become increasingly convinced that people who are abusive to their children (and by this I include being abusive toward the other parent should have their access to their children rescinded until they can demonstrate they have changed their ways and be worthy of it. All I've ever seen abusers contribute to their DC's lives post separation is a gradual erosion of the child's boundaries and confidence.

If you create a child, you should pay maintenance regardless of whether you see the child's the child still needs clothing, feeding, etc. However, not paying maintenance should be considered a red flag by family courts when it comes to child arrangements. In some cases there will be a valid reason, but for many it's simply because they prioritise their own wants over their child's needs.

When you put the child first it's not about one parent v the other. Sometimes the best interests of the child can seem horribly unfair to one parent, but that's the deal you sign up to having them. IMO it's very definitely women who suck this up far more than men.

However, there are some cases where people drop out of their DCs life because they're facing other issues, e.g. mental illness, drug addiction which they later recover from, etc. Parents who get past these issues can still have a valuable role to play supporting their children, and ultimately it's the child's best interests we need to consider.

Well, the withdrawal of rights needn't be permanent, but they would have to apply to court to regain their rights. Same as they would if the child was in care but not adopted.

But doesn't the father have as much legal right to pick up the child in the eyes of the law?

Why should he though? The child barely recognises him. The law should put her interests first and so frequently it fails to.

That’s a whole other debate.

No point telling the OP what should happen, they’ve got to deal with what the law actually is currently and the impact of that.

The school is a bit rubbish to be honest. I had same situation some years ago when ds began school. I told the teachers/head and they said they would not release my ds to anyone but me. In fact, my brother went to collect once when I was unwell and the school called me to check before handing ds over. Then when they knew my brother was "safe", he was OK to collect ds anytime as he had my permission.

They new ds father had not seen him since he was 9mths old, so they were not going to hand him over at the school gate. They would have called me!

Knew*

'What is best for the child' is actually a sticky subject at times. Often it's pretty clear, but the child may actually prefer to be with the parent that doesn't enforce boundaries and let's them stay up late on school nights, eat loads of crap, have unlimited screen time, etc.

True, but it just shocked me that someone who maybe hasn't seen their child for years could just rock up and collect them from school, and maybe spirit them away to another country too.

@User56785
I don't know what's nonsensical about a school letting a child go with her estranged father when they have been informed of a kidnap risk being a Safeguarding issue.

If a student's mother spoke to you and said that she didn't want her child to go home with her dad because A) child has not seen him for years and the fact he is trying to get access via the school and not her is weird and B)there could be a kidnap risk, would you honestly just let the child go with her father immediately if he turned up? Or would you stall while you got in touch with senior leadership and child's mum? How would you even know that he was definitely her dad if you hadn't even seen a photo of him?

@LadyThatLaunches

Schools can stall if they think there is a Safeguarding risk or been informed of one while they contact other parent or police.

The "law is an ass" definitely applies in cases of child protection. Our starting point in the UK is that the state doesn't interfere with family life unless there's a good reason to. Which sounds sensible, and it is in principle, but it hasn't recognised (a) that this works way better for me than it does for children or women and (b) the scale of child abuse (in all its forms). The introduction of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, which now recognises children exposed to domestic abuse is a step in the right direction but we've a long way to go.

The law hasn't really caught up with the rise in the number of children growing up with separated parents. Possession is 9/10ths of the law when it comes to children. If an X refuses to hand back the child to the main parent with care, the police cannot remove the child even if there is a CAO in place stating child lives with main parent (unless they think the threshold is met for significant harm to befall the child). The only recourse is that the parent applies to court. This can be done on an emergency basis in quick time but it shows how out of touch the system is.

They wouldn't "spirit them away to another country" because the child isn't going to have her passport with her at school.

The OP has literally no evidence that her ex wants to abduct her child. Scaremongering isn't going to help her.

All of this.

Am pleased you have spoken to school. Do you think he has a new girlfriend and is trying to play the doting father all of a sudden?

I'm sorry I don't understand this- You have said he's never been abusive or harmed your child in any way. You haven't mentioned any misbehaviour towards you either.

Why aren't you simply contacting him to discuss with him how he can have access to his DD if he wants it?