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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her she stinks

98 replies

Youreek · 31/10/2023 18:14

In a really awkward situation and need help
how to handle this sensitively please.

My niece is 13 and really smells of BO, to make matters worse has no table manners and im not talking elbows on the table I mean chewing with her mouth wide open with extremely loud chewing sounds.

Ive joked around about the loud eating hoping she would get the hint but it hasnt helped at all she just carries on. I’m fully prepared to be told iabu and should mind my own business but I can’t help but worry that at her age she would be a target for bullies over these things.

I am really close to her and the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings so I don’t know if it’s best to keep my mouth shut or if to say something to her or her mum maybe? What would you do?

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 31/10/2023 18:16

Can you talk to her parents?

Dillydollydingdong · 31/10/2023 18:16

I'd speak to her directly, tactfully of course. And I'd buy her a selection of deodorants and soaps - " now you're older, you should be wearing stuff to make you smell sweet".

Maddy70 · 31/10/2023 18:16

Speak to her mum

Buy her deodorant and some nice smellies.as a treat

Ponoka7 · 31/10/2023 18:17

I agree with a pp, address it as hormone changes and what she can do about it.

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:18

A lot of 13 yr olds stink and don’t care 🤣🤣

DominiqueBernard · 31/10/2023 18:18

Speak to her parents about the odour, but (from my experiences of working with teenagers), it will pass.

Call her out gently and politely on the table manners.

Original poster
Youreek · 31/10/2023 18:19

Would you be offended if someone spoke to your child about these issues or would you prefer them to speak to you about it? Just not sure how best to deal with it such a hard situation

OP posts:
Tanfastic · 31/10/2023 18:22

Parents?

It's a tricky one.

My son can sometimes be a bit smelly and I tell him straight ( go and wash your pits) and we have a bit of a laugh about it. I make sure I keep him topped up with antiperspirant and regularly ask about his washing habits but we have that kind of close relationship.

Original poster
Youreek · 31/10/2023 18:24

Tanfastic · 31/10/2023 18:22

Parents?

It's a tricky one.

My son can sometimes be a bit smelly and I tell him straight ( go and wash your pits) and we have a bit of a laugh about it. I make sure I keep him topped up with antiperspirant and regularly ask about his washing habits but we have that kind of close relationship.

Exactly it’s so tricky, I’m not sure her mum is telling her because it’s not a one off it’s every time I see her.

OP posts:
SM4713 · 31/10/2023 18:24

I'd speak to the mum/parent. For all you know, they have brought it up, bought deodorant etc? IF they have brought it up before, ask whether they'd mind YOU mentioning. Having an external person notice it, might be the jolt she needs.

I started a Saturday job when I was 15. The owner eventually told me I had had BO and needed a better deodorant. I was absolutely mortified, but religiously showered and used deodorant ever since that day 😬

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 31/10/2023 18:25

I'd speak to her directly. Chat about changes in hygiene routine etc. Ask her if she has noticed her hair gets greasier and she sweats more etc and tell her how you remember that phase of life and how you had to do certain things that were new. Offer to buy her nice soaps etc. Many 13 yr olds smell bad, they are just big kids who don't know what's going on and too lazy to shower. She might not even be sensitive about it yet

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 31/10/2023 18:27

Elbows on the table comes from medieval times when a table was made up of loose boards and if you lent on them the weight wouldn’t be evenly distributed and the ‘table’ would tip up.

If your table is sturdy it shouldn’t be a problem.

Teenagers stink. They don’t care.

Original poster
Youreek · 31/10/2023 18:27

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 31/10/2023 18:27

Elbows on the table comes from medieval times when a table was made up of loose boards and if you lent on them the weight wouldn’t be evenly distributed and the ‘table’ would tip up.

If your table is sturdy it shouldn’t be a problem.

Teenagers stink. They don’t care.

🤣 well you learn something every day I never knew that about the elbows

OP posts:
5128gap · 31/10/2023 18:29

If you're close, then casually in a no big deal way, like you'd advise of anything else.
'You need to start wearing deodorant now niece. This is my favourite (hand her deodorant you've bought). Make sure you have a good wash under your arms before you put it on every day.' Change subject.
Same with the manners. Light and friendly 'Neice, I don't want to see the food in your mouth thank you very much! Eat with your mouth closed!'

'

Lavender14 · 31/10/2023 18:30

I'd be really angry if my sister decided to address it directly with my child instead of speaking to me first. Plus you don't know what they've already tried. There can be reasons for people to smell, I had a friend in school who had a really strong bo problem, she used deodorant and showered twice a day and went through the gp about it because it was linked to puberty. I would speak to her mum rather than risk embarrassing her.. and stop making remarks about her at the table in front of people, that's as rude as eating loudly and with your mouth open. 13 years old is a hard place to be confidence wise, don't add to that.

Georgyporky · 31/10/2023 18:33

I'd speak to her directly.
Perhaps her parents haven't noticed, couldn't care, or are not bothered.
She needs to be told

TotalOverhaul · 31/10/2023 18:35

Speak to her mum first. she shouold be dealing with it.

I remember a friend of my parents telling me when I was 12. i was SO embarrassed. but had a bath every day after that and used deo and cologne. Kids don't realise when they move into adolescence that body odour becomes more noticable.

2jacqi · 31/10/2023 18:43

why is her mother not guiding her on matters of personal hygiene?? I had no problems with either my late daughter or my son having showers. daughter lived in the shower and son asked whenever he came in from school if her could go for a shower before tea! if her mum is your sis it is easy to talk about, if dad is your bro then have a quiet word with him

Anonymousismyname · 31/10/2023 18:49

Speak with her mother, that is the first point of call. It is a mother's duty to help any daughter go through and guide daughters through all stages of puberty.
it's important to let her know that there is nothing to be embarrassed about. These changes are absolutely normal. If you smelt it, I guarantee others have. And if she doesn't have a supportive mum, then it's best you speak with her. If mum is not as supportive to daughter, then her best bet is to have you there to support her and I would go over not just the hygienes of Bo. You know, like underarms, but all the general things young ladies wish their Mother's had told them. Whether that's about shaving self care body scrubbingSpots anything it may not be a Comfortable conversation it may be a difficult conversation. However, IM certain she will thank you for it when she is older. Or maybe possibly thank you for it now.

jeaux90 · 31/10/2023 18:52

I have a DD14 who sometimes gets a bit ripe but then all teens do. I tell her outright.

The eating with the mouth open thing is something I've really tried to drill with mine but she has ASD and just doesn't care.

Takes a village and all that so if I was her mum I wouldn't mind you saying something directly but it comes down to your relationship with her mum.

Orangello · 31/10/2023 19:00

Depends on your relationship. I would tell my niece directly, no problem. Well, in an age-appropriate and delicate manner re: the body odor, but nothing wrong with telling a child directly that we chew with mouth closed.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 31/10/2023 19:29

I spoke to my sister about my niece.

I think I started off by saying about how my DD has started to need to wash more and use deodorant and has her DD started to wear deodorant yet.

After a few weeks I said to my sister that niece was a bit smelly and perhaps she should buy her deodorant now as she’s getting older.

My sister is quite sensitive but she took it well.

I wouldn’t say it directly to your niece.

5128gap · 31/10/2023 19:33

Personally I think the least drama about it the better. Human bodies smell if steps aren't taken to prevent it. Nothing to be ashamed of, we're all in the same boat. Your neice just hadn't got wise to it yet and so needs a steer. No need to make a big deal out of a normal fact of life with embrassing sit down conversations about how bad she smells. Tell her everyone smells if they don't wash and use deodorant so it's time she started to.

rockinginarockingchair · 31/10/2023 19:53

I remember my son when he was a teen i was blunt i said you stink you need to wash better and use spray every day.
And eat with your mouth shut please.
Problem solved smell gone mouth shut,

Then their is my cousin hes 26 and from the age of 13 he stunk of the strongest bo ive known being blunt did not work with him he can turn your stomach with the smell of ob.
Still to this day he stinks he dont use any sprays and showers twice a week and dont care but wonders why he cant get a girlfriend.
Last of all is my niece 17 very clean but my good god she could knock you out with her breath its rotten she thinks chewing gum will do the job.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 31/10/2023 20:07

Could you maybe ask your DN if she's started her periods, and then make a conversation about bodily changes from there, ie, I was thinking about you the other day, and can't believe how quickly you've gone from toddler to teen, would I be right in thinking you've probably already started your periods? Then carry on from that point, saying you've noticed on the odd occasion that she appears to be suffering a bit from BO , and has her Mum told her that now she's getting older she needs to be showering every day, and using deodorant or antiperspirant, every time she showers, as the last thing she wants is someone at school to call her smelly. Or you could say something along the lines of, 'when I started mine, I found that I started to sweat loads more, and if I didn't shower and use antiperspirant every day, I got really stinky. All depends on your relationship with both your sister and your niece, but just some ideas which may or may not be helpful.