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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her she stinks

98 replies

Youreek · 31/10/2023 18:14

In a really awkward situation and need help
how to handle this sensitively please.

My niece is 13 and really smells of BO, to make matters worse has no table manners and im not talking elbows on the table I mean chewing with her mouth wide open with extremely loud chewing sounds.

Ive joked around about the loud eating hoping she would get the hint but it hasnt helped at all she just carries on. I’m fully prepared to be told iabu and should mind my own business but I can’t help but worry that at her age she would be a target for bullies over these things.

I am really close to her and the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings so I don’t know if it’s best to keep my mouth shut or if to say something to her or her mum maybe? What would you do?

OP posts:
SoTired12 · 31/10/2023 22:07

You should definitely just tell her, you must have a close relationship considering you see eachother often.

You don't have to go through her mum at all, I'd just tell my niece if I was in your position, or ask "when was the last time you had a bath?" "Are you using antiperspirant

EtiennePalmiere · 31/10/2023 22:14

It would be useful to know where this is coming from, why hasn't your sister been teaching her proper manners and hygiene up until now? Has she been trying, or is this neglect? I know that age can be challenging.

The smell is easy, just give her a Boots bag with a gift set of scented shower gel etc, and a deodorant. The manners thing is a bit more difficult.

toonnoot · 31/10/2023 22:28

I think I was this kid at school. I could always smell it on myself even though I'd shower every day and use deodorant. As an adult I now realise it was my clothes. They were washed but not using a hot wash or bio powder so the smell was never truly gone.

Might be worth trying to see how her clothes are washed too.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 31/10/2023 22:29

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/10/2023 22:02

I actually think it's fine to say "Whoof, you smell" to a 13 year old - if they learn early that people can smell whether they have really washed or not, they are less likely to skip or skimp it.

I agree. Being a bit stinky at times isn't anything to be ashamed of - it happens to everyone once in a while. But if it's all the time then she hasn't been taught what to do when it happens and how to keep the stink at bay.

I have 14yo and 12yo sons. It genuinely didn't occur to me that I needed to tell them that anti-perspirant deodorant isn't something you put on when you start smelling, it's for when you're clean to keep the stench away. But why would they know that without me telling them?!

I think you need to talk to both your niece and your sister (?) because if no one is teaching her basic hygiene and manners that's a different problem to a 13yo just being happy to be gross.

MimiGC · 31/10/2023 22:31

I think definitely raise it with the mum first. If there's no improvement over time, then I would raise it directly with the girl herself. Either way, and even though it's very difficult to do, you would be doing her a favour in the long run. Fellow pupils at school and, later in life, work colleagues will definitely notice and judge. I walked into a meeting room at work last week, where a colleague has been working at her laptop and the smell of her BO literally hit you as you opened the door. I have never experienced anything like that before.

Gummybear23 · 31/10/2023 22:34

Tell her that
Her body is changing and she needsto up her hygiene

Buy her lots of antiperspirant and soaps and smellies.

Oh n shut your mouth when your eating gal.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 31/10/2023 22:35

It really isn't your place 2 speak 2 your niece...you need to speak to her parents and let them deal with it!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 31/10/2023 22:38

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 31/10/2023 22:35

It really isn't your place 2 speak 2 your niece...you need to speak to her parents and let them deal with it!

Why? She's family? I know some people are really touchy about this but most aren't? Esp as it sounds like the niece is spending time with her aunt without her parents there.

18Piccolinos · 31/10/2023 22:39

Youreek · 31/10/2023 18:14

In a really awkward situation and need help
how to handle this sensitively please.

My niece is 13 and really smells of BO, to make matters worse has no table manners and im not talking elbows on the table I mean chewing with her mouth wide open with extremely loud chewing sounds.

Ive joked around about the loud eating hoping she would get the hint but it hasnt helped at all she just carries on. I’m fully prepared to be told iabu and should mind my own business but I can’t help but worry that at her age she would be a target for bullies over these things.

I am really close to her and the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings so I don’t know if it’s best to keep my mouth shut or if to say something to her or her mum maybe? What would you do?

Could you use less nasty language. The way you write projects shocking disgust, that’s really quite unpleasant.

You can’t say “stinks” , you can find a decent and kind way of talking to her, and until then, maybe zip it.

Alargeoneplease89 · 31/10/2023 22:40

I tell my kids some of the time and they know I tell them because I love them and I'm sure they would rather hear it from me.
They know I would appreciate it, if they told me. You say you are close so can't see any problem with talking to her about it - maybe go shopping for nice bath bits / deodrant and talk about a good routine.

For some reason it's breath that annoys me, they clean their teeth well and use wash mouth but picking them up from school, and talking about their day makes me gag inside - no idea if I'm oversensitive to breath.

Original poster
Youreek · 31/10/2023 22:57

18Piccolinos · 31/10/2023 22:39

Could you use less nasty language. The way you write projects shocking disgust, that’s really quite unpleasant.

You can’t say “stinks” , you can find a decent and kind way of talking to her, and until then, maybe zip it.

Show quote history

Do you really think I’d be on here asking for advice on how to broach this sensitively without hurting her feelings if I was just going to say you stink 🤣 maybe read the posts before jumping on with your own unpleasant comment

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 31/10/2023 22:59

Go for it OP. Teens might not mind if they honk. The rest of us do.

Original poster
Youreek · 31/10/2023 23:02

I think the reason why I’ve not brought it up to her parents yet is because I’m not super close with her mum so I was worried she might be offended but someone has to tell the poor girl. I’m not sure if anything is being done about it at the moment but it doesn’t seem that way. No money issues they are quite well off as far as I’m aware 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
18Piccolinos · 31/10/2023 23:03

Youreek · 31/10/2023 22:57

Do you really think I’d be on here asking for advice on how to broach this sensitively without hurting her feelings if I was just going to say you stink 🤣 maybe read the posts before jumping on with your own unpleasant comment

Show quote history

Read your OP and the title you used. Those are your words.

raffegiraffe · 31/10/2023 23:06

Just a tip for anyone with clothes that retain the BO smell after washing. Freezing them then washing really works

Original poster
Youreek · 31/10/2023 23:09

I too would prefer someone to tell me if I smell but I also remember being a teen and feeling like everything my mum said to me was a personal attack 🤣 just don’t want to hurt her but at the same time if she isn’t told I do worry it will come
from kids at school and be even more embarrassing

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 01/11/2023 00:11

Many 13 yr olds smell bad, they are just big kids who don't know what's going on and too lazy to shower.

No. I smelled awful at 13 and desperately tried everything. I was an excessive sweater and couldn't help it. It was mortifying. I finally discovered driclor. When I stopped using it years later thr problem had stopped. But please don't just think everyone who sweats excessively is lazy and unhygienic.

WillyWonkaBlues · 01/11/2023 00:19

Youreek · 31/10/2023 18:19

Would you be offended if someone spoke to your child about these issues or would you prefer them to speak to you about it? Just not sure how best to deal with it such a hard situation

I wouldn't be offended but I'm sure I would have spoken with my child beforehand. Sometimes it's good coming from someone a little more distant. My only advice is that you don't make a joke out of it but have a nice "talk". My friend's sister stunk for years and her family used to try and tell me by saying "you stink!". She literally thought they were just kidding so her BO continued. It was awful. Since getting married she's cleaned up her act.

RMNofTikTok · 01/11/2023 00:46

Youreek · 31/10/2023 18:14

In a really awkward situation and need help
how to handle this sensitively please.

My niece is 13 and really smells of BO, to make matters worse has no table manners and im not talking elbows on the table I mean chewing with her mouth wide open with extremely loud chewing sounds.

Ive joked around about the loud eating hoping she would get the hint but it hasnt helped at all she just carries on. I’m fully prepared to be told iabu and should mind my own business but I can’t help but worry that at her age she would be a target for bullies over these things.

I am really close to her and the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings so I don’t know if it’s best to keep my mouth shut or if to say something to her or her mum maybe? What would you do?

Seems like she doesn't understand societal expectations. Is there any neurodiversity?

myopinionmatters · 01/11/2023 01:45

Gross. Buy her Dettol soap or African black soap. Both will help for BO

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2023 05:00

ShippingNews · 31/10/2023 21:55

I had to do this with my granddaughter who had the same problem. Instead of telling her she smelt bad, I turned it around and told her she was now old enough to start using beautiful body products.

I took her shopping and let her smell all the deodorants, body washes, fragrance sprays etc, and then we bought the ones she liked. I told her that when she used these products " you'll be the best-smelling girl in the class" . I also remembered to compliment her on smelling gorgeous when she started using them. She is now 18 and always smells beautiful so it obviously worked !

Show quote history

This is such a lovely way of dealing with the issue. If you are close enough to your niece to do this, it could be really helpful.

Fab973 · 01/11/2023 05:15

@UpaladderwatchingTV sorry bit I disagree. I know periods are a total normal and natural thing but I would have been MORTIFIED if my Aunt brought this up. And lots of people havent started at 13 so you may just wind up making her feel bad.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 01/11/2023 05:36

If you’re not close with her mum I’m guessing it’s your brothers wife? Can you talk to your brother and say Xxx’s hormones appear to be changing as her body odour has increased hasn’t it the poor girl?

If you don’t think you can talk to the parents I love what another op did and said about saying yay your old enough now to smell sweet… I’m keeping that in my memory bank for my own DD