To tell her she stinks

[Youreek]

In a really awkward situation and need help
how to handle this sensitively please.

My niece is 13 and really smells of BO, to make matters worse has no table manners and im not talking elbows on the table I mean chewing with her mouth wide open with extremely loud chewing sounds.

Ive joked around about the loud eating hoping she would get the hint but it hasnt helped at all she just carries on. I’m fully prepared to be told iabu and should mind my own business but I can’t help but worry that at her age she would be a target for bullies over these things.

I am really close to her and the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings so I don’t know if it’s best to keep my mouth shut or if to say something to her or her mum maybe? What would you do?

OP, l think your decision to speak to her mum is the right one. I know how awkward this is, l once had to tell a member of staff that she smelled.

You could mention changes caused by adolescence etc to try and soften the blow. Is it lack of showers, not wearing clean clothes or lack of deodorant?

Often these things settle down when they become interested in dating others. But you can’t really wait. Plus she could have a hard time from others.

Personally, l would leave the chewing thing for now so it does not look as if you are going in with a list of things which are wrong.

I think her parents have been quite neglectful tbh . Poor girl but at least she has you OP.

I remember a girl from school (40 yrs ago ) now who was brought up by her dad without any period guidance. One day a pupil found her stained PE skirt and the teacher called this girl into the class and in front of everyone ridiculed the state of the skirt and how dirty she was . These days I hope a teacher would be sacked for that .

OP I'd do as others suggest take her shopping to smell the different deodorants / sprays etc and approach the age change issues . Make it fun .

speak to her parents first.

but it could be that your niece is more receptive if you are talking to her.

it worked some magic when I spoke to dn about a bad habit. dn parents were at the end of their tether about it.

takes a village and all that.

Seems like she doesn't understand societal expectations. Is there any neurodiversity?

I was going to ask this. One of my autistic DC juts cannot manage the closed mouth eating. He is an adult now and I still remind him but it doesn't sink in.

I had a colleague once. My team leader made me do it instead of telling the junior staff himself. I was blunt about it. It didn't spoil my relationship with the colleague. Also the smell was gone .

Are the parents aware of the odour? Surely they are.

I was straight with mine when she got to that age and clearly told her, You must shower everyday, deodorant and clean clothes because you don't want to smell. I got her some Mitchum because other deodorants were not doing much.

Are her parents looking after her properly?
My mum was married to an extremely abusive man. We had no money for deodorant or even soap sometimes. I stunk, I knew I stunk and I went to an all girls high school. It was absolute hell and I had nobody to turn to

If you’ve smelt her more than once, her parents will have too.

Speak to your niece and offer her some solutions.

It may be her parents are neglectful or they’ve told her, but she doesn’t think she needs to care.

Hearing from someone else may highlight that it really is an issue to attend to.

As for the open-mouthed eating- puts me right off my dinner, so I’d have to point it out.

"niece, I'm sorry but I can't enjoy my dinner when I can hear you make that noise. Please eat with your mouth closed".

The BO is obviously a lot more sensitive and something I think parents should address ideally. But if they can't or won't, then I think you'd be doing her a huge favour to tell her "niece, I think you're now getting to the age where you need to increase your showering, otherwise you may find you start to smell. It's normal, don't worry, but perhaps every other day. And would you like me to buy you some new roll on deodorant?"

Buy her a wash bag, add some smellies and a bottle of deodorant. Let her know she is becoming a lady, but that she needs to ensure her hygiene is better so she doesn't put her friends off!

Talk to her parents.

I’d be embarrassed if my sibling spoke to my child about this. The parents might tell you what they have already tried and you could work together. My friend’s daughter smelled. She had a medical urinary issue which medication eventually sorted out.

Tell her I wish someone other than me would tell dd16 that she stinks.
She just laughs when I tell her.

You say ‘her mum’ rather than your sister. Is she your SIL?

I think it would go down better if you spoke to your brother (or if she’s your DH’s sister, he spoke to her).

If you’re not her sister or close to her, she might not take it well. Definitely go through her parents though. Unless there’s a drip feed about her having awful parents, it’s better coming from them.

As a parent myself I would rather my sibling came to me and discussed it first in case it blew up if you went to them directly. It may be that her mum has already discussed and is aware of it and you can work together to come up with a solution :)

It says 'many' not 'all'.

Plus, it's not necessarily got anything to do with sweating, excessively or not. Anyone will start to smell after a certain time of no washing. Just teens with their surges of hormones are worse.

Are you aware that sometimes people will use different language when on an anonymous forum, than towards the people they love? And that the fact that OP has posted asking for help in addressing this suggests that she's sensitive to her niece's feelings?

I have asked my daughter to close her mouth 1000 times when she is eating so I would be grateful if an aunt were to do so as she would listen to them.
We do t have the smell problem but I think sensitively broached with just the two of you in the room you would also be doing her a favour..

My niece actually came to me about it and I bought he like a starter pack with smellies and a sponge thing with some deodorant and creams.

She's comfortable to talk to me about these things though. So I guess it depends how close you are as to how you can approach it

By the way all those who say all teens smell..... not true. My 17 yr old doesnt and didnt previously, only after footy. My older kids didnt either. Think my now 32 yr old had to be encouraged to wash/shower when she was 11/12/13 but she didnt actually smell bad.

A lot of 13 yr olds stink and don’t care
I agree that it is common. I think they care themselves but they certainly care when people mention it to them one way or the other.

It is often due to a strong discomfort, psychologically and physically with their body and the change to adulthood.

My friend teacher say that it is so common at this age that she doesn't notice it as much as she used to and by the age of 16, it is only quite rare. She never mentions it or even make an allusion to hygiene because it only makes it worse.

As foresting with their mouth open, my son used to do that. It turned out he suffered from allergies and frequent throat infections which actually made it hard to eat and breathing solely through his nose. Since treatment, he only does it when he gets colds.

Unless she is close to you, trust you completely to open up to, I wouldn't say anything as it will only make her feel even more ashamed about her body.

I'm a Mum of teens - as yes sometimes they do indeed stink.

If they had an Aunt who cared as much as you clearly do then I'd probably be delighted if you had a quiet sensitive word with my teens to prompt them into action (ie showering)
Honestly as a parent I'm starting to sound like a broken record so someone else saying the same to my kids would be really helpful.

As long as your tactful @myopinionmatters a quiet word can't do any harm. I like others suggestions of treating her to some nice smellies - it's nearly Xmas maybe you could find her something quite grown up?

Good Luck