To tell her she stinks

[Youreek]

In a really awkward situation and need help
how to handle this sensitively please.

My niece is 13 and really smells of BO, to make matters worse has no table manners and im not talking elbows on the table I mean chewing with her mouth wide open with extremely loud chewing sounds.

Ive joked around about the loud eating hoping she would get the hint but it hasnt helped at all she just carries on. I’m fully prepared to be told iabu and should mind my own business but I can’t help but worry that at her age she would be a target for bullies over these things.

I am really close to her and the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings so I don’t know if it’s best to keep my mouth shut or if to say something to her or her mum maybe? What would you do?

She may be washing but just not washing her clothes often enough. At that age, the favourite T-shirt/sweater/hoodie gets lifted off the floor every day. We have a nightly ‘sniff test’ which is a strict pass/fail.

When I was a similar age my mum’s friend who we saw all the time just said to me ‘you need to start wearing deodorant- your armpits smell’. It was very matter of fact. I don’t remember bring embarrassed or upset by it.

I’m glad someone did this for you. I’m in the camp that a moment of embarrassment to my face is better than ridicule behind my back.

@Youreek I would tell her direct that she smells. (Leave the table manners for a different discussion) But do it at the the right time… maybe when you are giving her a lift home so she’s not trapped with you after having an awkward conversation. Tell her the normal stuff… everyone goes through the same thing at one point around her age… here’s what helps…etc.

Speak to her mum. How sad her mum hasn’t addressed the situation already 😞

I really don't think you should raise this with your niece directly- it is not your place to do so. Definitely raise it with her parents though- it is their responsibility to ensure she learns about personal hygiene.

Has she just started chewing with her mouth open? She's 13, so has been eating food for years. Have you (and the family more broadly) gone so long just trying to give a 'joke' as a 'hint'?

I'd talk to her mum or dad first. How close are you to them?

As a previous poster said I just wonder if it’s more her clothes than her body, maybe she’s not washing her clothes enough? Have enough changes of clothes / ability to wash them enough etc. sometimes if the sweat smell is on clothes it might not come off using just normal detergent

IMO body odour is more related to wearing clothes more than once (in teenagers) and not showering, rather than being caused by not using antiperspirant. Of course it's good to suggest using it but it won't work without also showering and wearing fresh clothes every day. I think I sometimes had to shower twice a day as a teenager, actually, because I had greasy hair and sweated a lot 😅

Edit: I see someone's suggested laundry above. Could there be other factors like washing clothes on cold or less often to save money?

This!

I wonder if she is being provided with deodorant or the money to buy it. She may not be.

You said you are really close to her - then speak to her directly without judgment. Buy her some nice trendy shampoos and soaps and deodorant that teenagers like. Tell her something from your experience: ah, when I was a teenager I always forgot to properly wash my neck, whatever. Agree it could also be about clothes worn more than once, also outdoor jackets and coats can stink if haven't been washed/dry-cleaned.
On manners, definitely tell her. What she learns now will be difficult to unlearn when she gets older. Table manners: chewing with mouth shout, proper use of fork and knife etc will pay off a lot in adult life! Imagine a date or a business lunch meeting someone who has bad table manners!

I would buy her a wild deodorant (eco friendly and no harsh chemicals) and nice bar of soap (as shower gel can leave a film and contribute to the smell). I'd have a chat saying when you hit puberty you really troubled with body odour and would hate for her to be the same so you brought her some nice soap and deodorant just incase.

Are you sure her clothes are being washed properly?

I’d talk to her mum first, as you don’t really know what’s already been discussed/tried. My dd often smells - it’s a work in progress though as she’s autistic and in denial about puberty, she has several different antiperspirants/deodorants to try but rarely wears them and gets really upset when I remind her. Showering is a struggle too. We’re doing what we can and I’m very aware of it. If someone else in the family mentioned it to her she would probably be too embarrassed to ever speak to them again.

Talk to her mum, on the basis that if you've noticed it, your niece could get bullied at school about it, and so you are saying so as you would not want that to happen.

No it’s been for as long as I can remember, I think I just thought she’d grow out of it and never been comfortable enough telling her off properly for it like I would my own kids if they was eating like that. I guess I also hoped her parents would have taught her how to eat normally but sadly not.

Some really helpful comments here thanks mumsnet. I think I will speak to her mum but not sure how it will be received 🫤

I can remember being that age and smelling of BO, I wasn't buying the right deodorant. You need an antiperspirant to help stop the sweating amd smell, I was only buying a deodorant which helps only mask the smell. I didn't realise the difference at that age. But I think antiperspirants are more widely used now /more popular. My Mum never provided me with any guidance, gentle/kind help is what is needed.

People have provably said this, but when you speak to her mum you can wrap it as ‘I think it must be because she’s hit the height of puberty’ and follow up with nice wash stuff and deodorant present asap. I’d also gently find out from your niece how she is for clothes, some cheap underwear and t shirts for Christmas might also be needed.

I think I’d focus on the BO as it’s the bigger issue and it’s not a long term issue (or even if it is you can use the adolescent hook to talk about it as if it’s new).

The eating with your month open thing you could tackle gradually over the next couple years by taking her out to cafes, and slowly directing her to improve. If she doesn’t, you can talk to her directly about it in a year or so.

I think we can safely assume it's not a medieval dining table.

Christmas is coming and I would take the opportunity to take shopping for some really nice toiletries and talk to her about grooming and how it's nice to take care of yourself regularly and do some pampering and selfcare when you're becoming an adult. So shower gel, deodorant and soap and fancy body lotion and so on and talk to her about how often you use things like that.

I'd speak to her directly. I'd do her a little gift parcel with some deodorants, body wash and body spray. Just say something like she needs them now she's older. As for the messy eating, I'd just keep saying it in a jokey way, but make the point. You're a good auntie for caring.

Give her a deodorant and tell her that teenagers and adults need deodorants otherwise they smell.

I had to do this with my granddaughter who had the same problem. Instead of telling her she smelt bad, I turned it around and told her she was now old enough to start using beautiful body products.

I took her shopping and let her smell all the deodorants, body washes, fragrance sprays etc, and then we bought the ones she liked. I told her that when she used these products " you'll be the best-smelling girl in the class" . I also remembered to compliment her on smelling gorgeous when she started using them. She is now 18 and always smells beautiful so it obviously worked !

I actually think it's fine to say "Whoof, you smell" to a 13 year old - if they learn early that people can smell whether they have really washed or not, they are less likely to skip or skimp it.