Just screamed at my whole family

[Sadnotbad]

I feel awful. I just told DH that I hated him, our sons and my life. Kids had headphones on so didn't hear luckily but they could see I was upset. DH responded by telling me to "fuck off then" to which I shouted "I will!" And honestly almost got in the car and left but instead went upstairs and had a big cry.

Last night was the worst sleep of my life, everyone in my family contributed to it being awful including the fucking dog.

I went to bed after a row with DH at 9.30. The row was over his continuing moodiness, this time he was moody because the pizza he ordered came with chili's and he didn't enjoy it. Of course I ordered the pizzas and forgot to remove the chillis.

Yesterday was a stressful day, I had to catch a bus to a busy city hospital for an important appointment and I had to take ds2 with me who is not an easy going child. (The irony is the appointment was to pick up a sleep tracking device because I have been sleeping so badly I feel it is really negatively affecting my health)
Then I had to pick DH up from work and we were stuck in traffic from 4pm until 5.45pm with both kids going mad in the back. Then we hadn't defrosted sausages for tea.
After kids were in bed DH was moody about pizza and in the end I decided to just be away from him and get an early night.

Wore my sleep tracker but woke up at 11 when DH came to bed. Then 11.30 the dog woke me up barking at foxes in the garden. Then Ds2 woke up at 1.30am and didn't go back to sleep until 4am, then ds5 woke up at 6 and noisily went to the toilet and woke ds2 up.

I just feel so fucking tired and done. No one shows me an ounce of care and ofc I bend over backwards for everyone every single day to the point now I am feeling ill.

I honestly just feel like running away but ofc I am supposed to prepare a Halloween tea for tonight and take the kids trick or treating.

Pretty sure the sleep tracker barely had chance to track anything last night! Got consultant appointment on Wednesday and I've waited a year for all this.

Not sure why I'm posting really. Getting it out has at least been cathartic.

I don't have a comparable thread about a man doing that at the the moment. I don't even think it's a case of being reasonable but being realistic about how people react to stress.

That said I expect a lot of the cynicism with men comes from the fact that most of us have experience of absolutely useless men and would find it harder to believe that the man was doing a fair share.

I also think that in an ideal world the couple would work together to find ways to take some stress off.

@saffronsoup i imagine because there's an inherent risk in men losing their cool vs a woman & it's one we are all acutely aware of. It will elicit a different emotional response from the other ppl in room, likely fear vs sadness. Generally speaking anyway.

There's also the fact that mums tend to shoulder a bigger emotional weight in day to day terms & we're just expected to cope & historically did cos that was our role. Not so much now.

I would say a negative view of men based on personal experience leading to sexist generalizations is no different from men having a negative view of women based on their personal experience leading to sexist generalizations. I guess if you think misogyny and misandry is okay because one's personal experience has told you that men or women are just awful in x or y way and so it is okay to treat them a certain bad way because they deserve it - that is certainly a view to hold.

If you go on a MRA board you find all the same justifications as to why it is okay to call women names or critize them or lump them into sexist generalizations - based on how men have experienced women in their lives. The exact same arguments and justifications and sexist generalizations are on here - just about men.

Are you okay with men saying well they have all experienced women who are too emotional and moody and who are nagging bitches and who act crazy jealous so it is okay to treat women badly and call them names and have angry outburts at them? That it isn't really sexist, just the reality of the men who have had those experiences and so clearly their view of women and response to them is reaonable?

You are wrong. I would do my utmost to judge every situation on its own merits.

I agree that we probably all have a certain amount of unconscious bias, but I think most people on here do their best to see past that.

Unconscious bias is hard to avoid. I try to take posters word for things myself as obviously I can't go and investigate. If other people judge men more harshly based on their experience well there's nothing I can do about that. Like the outbursts I don't think it's ok but I do that it's going to be inevitable for some people.

Many a man have been injured or killed by their wives. The risk is less if you but it is there. The view that men don't experience fear and that fear it isn't a reasonable emotion for a man - is a pretty sexist view. Or that psychological abuse can't be harmful to men?

And even if you think men don't deserve respect and screaming at them about how much you hate them is completely justified and reasonable for a woman - then what do you feel the kids did to deserve the shouting and the hate? Or is it because they are male children that they too can't feel fear and it is reasonable to take out your anger and hate on male children too as all males, regardless of age, are deserving of anger and hate?

@saffronsoup I do understand the point you're making even if I don't necessarily agree. You're trying too hard to both-sides a scenario that statistically holds more risk for women than it does men. That's just fact. It's not to say men can't be at risk or can't feel fear, that's a bizarre thing to claim I'm saying & the more you labour these points the more you sound like you spend a bit too much time looking at MRA boards.

I've been into those places and there's simply no comparison to saying how OP reacted was understandable, which is how I think most ppl feel re voting. Not that it was necessarily acceptable, but we could see how she ended up there.

Re the emotional reaction of the ppl in the room - I was referring to the children (boys OR girls, their age y makes them vulnerable, not their sex) in this instance. Even so - generally speaking - it is more fear inducing when men lose their shit (even if no one is at risk) as their voices, tone, stature make them more intimidating than your average 5ft 5 woman with a higher pitched voice. It just is, it's no ones fault.

If there was a thread about a man who was undergoing medical examination for sustained lack of sleep momentarily losing his temper and shouting at his wife I would have the same reaction.

sleep deprivation is absolutely horrendous and I can only imagine that some of the people on this thread have never experienced it. I don’t mean the early days with a newborn, I mean years and years of extremely disrupted sleep.

One of my children was a terrible sleeper for years and it sent me nearly insane. I really thought DH and I would divorce. Many years on (and more children) we are absolutely fine. The sleep was the issue.

OP I really hope you can get some help with that ASAP and that you can apologise to your DH but ask him to take on slightly more of the night wakes if you can pick up slack elsewhere.

I have gone to those boards to see what underlies the misogyny and misogynistic views and I would say in that in many cases, the MRA boards are less sexist and less angry and less name calling and less blaming and less viscious in attacking women than this board is about men. While there are lots of sexist views on those boards there also are a number of people who bring context or nuance to the discussions - it isn't just all hate women. I would hazard a guess that if there was a post/poll on the MRA board about a man blowing up in anger and screaming at his wife about how much he hates her and hates their kids and hates his life (due to stress and sleep deprivation) the % on those boards that would say that is a reasonable response would be lower than 75%. And while there would be some posts blaming and criticizing the wife and saying she deserved it - I don't think it would be the majority of posts the way it is on this thread where many are attacking and criticizing and blaming and name calling the husband.

Coming to this board is a similar exercise as going to the MRA boards as both have incredibly sexist views and there is a lot of blame and negativity about one sex. From spending time on both boards, I would say the hate and name calling on this board is worse. There are some posters on the MRA boards that try to be a voice of reason and contribute comments that just because your personal experience with a woman was x, it doesn't mean you should think / treat all women in y way. That is a voice of reason that doesn't come through on this board really much at all. Many threads on here are nothing but pile ons of hate, blame, name calling and sexist generalizations.

I have been on these boards for the best part of 20 years and I have no idea how you have reached those conclusions. Yes, you do have some blaming and name calling, but from different angles - many posters seem to defend men no matter what!

There are also many posters who take a reasoned and thoughtful approach, trying to see both sides. I can only suggest that you continue to read widely on these boards and try to keep an open mind.

They do not need to be sleep trained.

She didn't say she was picking the chilli's off. She said she ordered chillis by mistake.
Picking chillis off won't get rid of thd flavour.

You both sound tired OP.
Shouting those kind of things, especially around young children, is abusive. You need to address that immediately.

This.

Everyone who says book a night in an hotel... I've suffered with insomnia on and off pretty much my whole adult life. When I'm in the throes of it, nowhere feels safe. I've never slept that well in hotels because of the unexpected noises, the clanging of the lift, doors slamming, people talking, TV noises through the wall etc... I have two young kids and have considered sleeping in the car outside our house but my husband can't comfort the kids on his life unfortunately. I can't do that to my kids. If I slept somewhere else, they'd probably make me pay for it by waking up every night for 6 months! All I'm saying is that it's not that easy to just leave and go sleep somewhere else. Not for everyone anyway.

@Cel77 I can't sleep for the first night in a new bed even in the loveliest hotel with the comfiest bed. Insomnia is the pits.

I can't sleep anywhere outside our house. And I'm forever disturbed in our house. Insomnia is so awful.

This OP.
Be less available. Start letting the kids soothe themselves - the odd time to start off.
Reduce what you do.

All of this sounds like normal family life to me, with good days and bad days, and spouses sometimes falling out over minor things.

All of this is exacerbated by your sleep issues of course, so your particularly short fuse is understandable.

But I don't think it's ok to lose control of your emotions and scream what you did. If dh screamed that at me I would be very hurt and mn would be telling me to ltb. I suppose it all hinges on whether you meant it. If you did, it's the prompt you both needed for a serious conversation. If you didn't, it's time for a heartfelt apology imo.