Just screamed at my whole family

[Sadnotbad]

I feel awful. I just told DH that I hated him, our sons and my life. Kids had headphones on so didn't hear luckily but they could see I was upset. DH responded by telling me to "fuck off then" to which I shouted "I will!" And honestly almost got in the car and left but instead went upstairs and had a big cry.

Last night was the worst sleep of my life, everyone in my family contributed to it being awful including the fucking dog.

I went to bed after a row with DH at 9.30. The row was over his continuing moodiness, this time he was moody because the pizza he ordered came with chili's and he didn't enjoy it. Of course I ordered the pizzas and forgot to remove the chillis.

Yesterday was a stressful day, I had to catch a bus to a busy city hospital for an important appointment and I had to take ds2 with me who is not an easy going child. (The irony is the appointment was to pick up a sleep tracking device because I have been sleeping so badly I feel it is really negatively affecting my health)
Then I had to pick DH up from work and we were stuck in traffic from 4pm until 5.45pm with both kids going mad in the back. Then we hadn't defrosted sausages for tea.
After kids were in bed DH was moody about pizza and in the end I decided to just be away from him and get an early night.

Wore my sleep tracker but woke up at 11 when DH came to bed. Then 11.30 the dog woke me up barking at foxes in the garden. Then Ds2 woke up at 1.30am and didn't go back to sleep until 4am, then ds5 woke up at 6 and noisily went to the toilet and woke ds2 up.

I just feel so fucking tired and done. No one shows me an ounce of care and ofc I bend over backwards for everyone every single day to the point now I am feeling ill.

I honestly just feel like running away but ofc I am supposed to prepare a Halloween tea for tonight and take the kids trick or treating.

Pretty sure the sleep tracker barely had chance to track anything last night! Got consultant appointment on Wednesday and I've waited a year for all this.

Not sure why I'm posting really. Getting it out has at least been cathartic.

@Thedm

This sounds like normal life with kids if you're a single mother.

This woman has a husband.

Can a grownass man not order his own bloody pizza now?

I can't believe the nonsense some posters here come out with.

I’m confused about the pizza-does he not like something spicy? He’d be better off ordering a non spicy one then.

While I think it is fine to have a bad day and to be irritable and sleep deprived, I think a wife telling her husband that she hates him, hates the kids and hates her life (or a husband getting upset and telling his wife he hates her, hates his children and hates his life) is going too far. There are many ways to express frustration and irritation without hate and being hateful. I would have a hard time bouncing back from my husband telling me straight to my face that he hates me, hates our children and hates his life.

In a family it is completely normal for one person to order a meal for others. I would say it is quite rare for each person to order their own meal separately.

And if the husband orders the meal knowing his wife doesn't eat nuts and gets dishes that all have nuts or a wife orders a meal knowing her husbad doesn't eat chilis but gets food that has chilis - it feels pretty disrespectful. Generally you order food that you know the family can eat. You don't order food they can't eat. or don't eat.

So when you order a group takeaway do you pass the phone round?

It's pretty normal for one person to order for everyone

And she said herself that they split all child stuff and chores 50/50. He does his half. That night was her turn to deal with night wakings, and her evenings to sort dinners. Is he meant to do it all? Because she says it is split evenly. It was her turn, she messed it up, he was a bit grumpy and she went off on one and was still angry the next day, screamed at him and threatened to leave.

If the OP was a man, people would be crowing about how abusive her behaviour was.

Our dog is banned from the cat flap room at night because he barks. If you can't do that just tape up the flap with cardboard and tape. The cat will have to be in or out at night.

I agree. It’s not the husband’s fault the stupid dog barks. Sort that out - get it rehomed before screaming you hate your family. Stop being a martyr about everything and stick to the basics - why are you doing a ‘special Halloween tea’ for a 4 and 2 year old? They’re barely old enough to know what Halloween is. Get into survival mode and make sleep and wellbeing a priority for you AND your children. Be kind to each other and work through it together.

Sounds like both of you are grumpy, I think it gets like that when the kids are little. It's such a relentless slog.

So no yanbu to have shouted. Equally I think your DP can be forgiven for being moody about the food order. It'll be the build up of frustrations just like you have.

In the kindest way, I'm not sure what you expect the sleep tracker to achieve. It will show the wakings, then you can explain they were the dog/child/dh, then what does a medical professional do with that info?

Maybe let the dust settle and chat to your dp about how exhausted you are and how it's magnifying all annoyances. I bet he can relate. Maybe together you can come up with some strategies that will help.

Things do get easier as kids grow x

It’s not acceptable for you to scream at your husband that you hate your kids where they can hear you. Noise cancelling headphones aren’t magic.

sounds like your DH does loads - you need to sort it out so that you get more sleep because your kids don’t need to hear that sort of thing from you

Absolutely this.

So when you order a group takeaway do you pass the phone round?

Normally the pickiest person is the one who does the ordering or is responsible for their own order.

And if the husband orders the meal knowing his wife doesn't eat nuts and gets dishes that all have nuts or a wife orders a meal knowing her husbad doesn't eat chilis but gets food that has chilis - it feels pretty disrespectful. Generally you order food that you know the family can eat. You don't order food they can't eat. or don't eat.

In my family, if someone has just driven a journey of just under two hours to pick someone up, with two small children in the back seat doing their best to exhaust and frustrate the driver all the way, then that someone is the one who sorts out the ordering of his own dinner with his special instructions about what to leave off to explain himself to the teenager on the other end of the phone.

And if you are the husband of a woman who is under the care of a doctor for sleep problems, after years of waiting to be treated, you definitely do not stick to the rigid 'my night/your night' schedule, or expect her to remember your issues with certain foods and turn into a sulking teenager when she messes up, probably because of exhaustion combined with worry about her recent appointment and the stress and hassle of getting there and dealing with the doctor with a trying child in tow.

His 'guess how angry I am with you' game - which is habitual on his part, according to the OP - has probably contributed to her sleep issues. It is stressful to spend your life wary of tipping someone into a 'mood'. Sulking and being 'moody' is a very sly way of throwing a tantrum. It's guaranteed to drive a partner to angry outbursts, and then she's the one with the 'problem'. It's a game played by someone looking for that "gotcha" moment.

Every post you write just makes you seem worse. You can twist every post to be as man hating as you want. Are you getting tips from MRA boards on how to flip the script to blame one person for everyone?

And I would highly suggest you get counselling as it sounds like you are in a mutually abusive relationship if you think anger, screaming, and hate is a normal part of life and dealing with stress. It really isn't okay for your stressed out, tired husband to scream about how much he hates you and the kids because he got caught up in traffic while giving you a ride or because you made a mistake and got food he didn't like and it isn't okay for you to scream and hate him and your life because you didn't sleep well at night or are tired.

A healthy relationship is not one with angry outbursts, screaming and hate expressed twords spouses, children and life. This is a terrible environment for your kids to grow up in and it isn't normal or healthy at all. For the sake of your kids get counselling so you can deal with stress without anger, hate, screaming and almost storming off.

OP please if you find the time call Family Lives, the internet isn't always the best place to ask for non-judgemental letting off steam and helpful suggestions. Do anything you can to get relaxation. If you're taking some time off relax as deeply as you can at least.

Competitive tiredness and sleep deprivation when my DC were small was the main cause of the end of my relationship with Ex DP. It's brutal.

This

I have done the same recently. Accompanied by a full-blown meltdown. I told a friend who said she'd been seeing a psych who said

'be less available'

It's brilliantly simple. Don't be available all the time for everyone else's needs. Don't drop your own things for everyone else. Start doing things for yourself. Let them work around you.

I've stopped. DH has stepped up but the kids are still complaining but it's getting better. I said no to trick or treating (DH away) because I'm at capacity with what I can do. Want food? Make your own. Teaching & expecting everyone to them to do more.

You both sound sleep deprived. Anyone who could babysit for a night or two? Is there a spare room where the one not dealing with night wakings can sleep?

Maybe you need to separate work so that the person getting up at night is not the one organising other things, like Halloween outings.

You need to apologise to your husband for your behaviour and get some good ear plugs to try and get a better night sleep.

Ah op you poor thing. Your post screams of stress. Lack of sleep is so debilitating and it sounds like you carry the mental burden for how the household runs. Time for a chat with your dh - you can’t go in like this where you’re teetering on the edge. Previous poster is right, lack of sleep does send you bonkers. Been there.

Get that sorted, and get dh on board with a strategy to help you to do that. Sleep is everything.

DH and I had the worst row in almost 30 years of marraiage, last week. I was the same as you, bloody knackered, carrying the entire domestic load since March when he became disabled. I said I was packing the dogs in my car and leaving. But yelled it. Five times. Slammed a few doors. After I had calmed down we talked it through. Sometimes you just snap.

This is good advice. I’m a big fan of Do Less. We all want our children to remember magical childhoods blah blah but I remember my own as pretty magical and I certainly don’t recall a special Halloween tea: going out in the dark trick or treating is magic enough. The way Christmas is magic enough without December 1st boxes or elf on the fucking shelf or North Pole breakfasts. Last night DP said he was looking forward to the kids being bigger and we can put more effort into Halloween and I just thought, what?! He already took DD trick or treating, I made spooky gingerbread with at the weekend as a bad weather activity, scooped out and carved a pumpkin, cut out ghost paper chains for the windows. She had a costume and face paint, I stayed home and wound the baby into a frenzy answering the door to trick or treaters. What more effort is there? And for what end?

I also think there are lots of knackered, end-of-tether posts on here where there’s a dog in the mix – unless you’re rich enough to outsource everything, it’s inevitably going to be too much to have two small kids, work, and a pet that needs that much attention. Sleep, rest and a smaller workload is key. But this goes for OP’s DH too: if he wants pizza that needs special instructions, he needs to call the order in.