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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a 1yo…red flag???

81 replies

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 15:27

Posting here for voting.

I have been speaking to someone from OLD and we’ve met up twice and had a really good time both times and want to meet up again.

We talk a lot on the phone/through texts and we’re starting to get to know each other more and more.
We both knew each other had kids quite early on but obviously didn’t really speak about them much.

But I’ve recently found out that his youngest is 1 next month.
He does have one that’s a couple years older too with the same woman.

This has completely thrown me, as although I strongly believe you should never stay in a relationship just for the kids, I can’t help thinking that having a 1yo or under, is not the right time to end a relationship.
I realise I may be overthinking it though.

So would you see this as a potential red flag?
Have you separated from your partner before your child was 1 and why?

YABU - this is not a potential red flag.
It’s common for people to separate before the baby is 1.

YANBU - this is a potential red flag.
As most people do not separate before the baby is 1.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 29/10/2023 15:30

It depends why they split up.
And how does he speak of his ex?
Also, how much custody of his children does he have and does he pay child support?

jeaux90 · 29/10/2023 15:31

I left my partner before my DD was 1 because he was an abusive, narcissistic arsehole. So yes, it happens. I'd ask the question because yes it could be a red flag.

mustga · 29/10/2023 15:32

@Itsnotchristmasyet I have a one year old. I’m a single mum. I never thought this would happen to me, and whilst I personally couldn’t manage a relationship right now due to still suffering heartbreak and processing everything, I can see that for many, if the relationship has been over since the child’s birth, that by the time they are one you would be on your way to feeling really to date. So I don’t necessarily think it’s a red flag but I assume they weren’t together during her pregnancy?

Testina · 29/10/2023 15:33

The moment I realised that my marriage was utterly and irretrievably over, was when my baby was 4 months old.
I hoped it wasn’t, and didn’t want to split “because of the children” for another 2 years.
I was the same person with the same reasons, both points in my life.

In my case, he was cheating. But honestly, we also weren’t well suited.

Why does he say he split at that time?
How much does he see his children?

GreyWednesday · 29/10/2023 15:42

The fact that he’s actively OLD when he has a child that young would bother me personally, although I wouldn’t go as far as to call it a red flag. Is he just looking for something very casual?

If he was someone you’d met at work/through a hobby and there happened to be a spark there then that would be different.

Zanatdy · 29/10/2023 15:48

GreyWednesday · 29/10/2023 15:42

The fact that he’s actively OLD when he has a child that young would bother me personally, although I wouldn’t go as far as to call it a red flag. Is he just looking for something very casual?

If he was someone you’d met at work/through a hobby and there happened to be a spark there then that would be different.

Well it depends how often he see’s the child. He might only be allowed access one day a week and be going to court for more access. I think it really depends on the circumstances. It would put me off as I wouldn’t want to parent a 1yr old so wouldn’t want to get serious. I’ve only ever dated one person with kids and he had full custody. They were 6 and 11 though, but it became complicated as he had no free time. I personally didn’t date when my kids were young, but that’s a decision I took personally and don’t judge others for wanting a relationship. I certainly didn’t have time to date when mine were younger but I guess different for most men (clearly not all)

TroglodytesTroglodytes · 29/10/2023 15:49

So he has a 3 year old and a baby, how old are your children? I personally would not date anyone with children that young.

Original poster
Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 15:54

We’ve not discussed anything heavy like child maintenance.

He said they split because they weren’t getting on.

He doesn’t slag her ex off - which is a big plus in my book.

He works a rota and dies shift work, so he doesn’t see them on set days.
But I know he’s sees them one day a week at least and he said he wasn’t able to have the LO over night as he wouldn’t take a bottle but now he can.

Obviously I have no idea if he’s lying though.

I am still on the fence about whether I want to be with someone with such young kids as mine is in secondary school and tbh I thought it was just me being picky but actually as another person has said it, it is something to think about.

I actually assumed his kids were the older and so maybe that is what’s also putting me off.

OP posts:
Ggttl · 29/10/2023 16:03

People don’t usually decide to have a second child with someone and then split up when the baby is a few months old just because they aren’t getting along. My guess is that he slept with someone else and she found out.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/10/2023 16:06

They could have been separated for well over a year, ie they could have split up before the baby was born. I'd be more concerned if he wasn't an involved father and judge him by how he speaks about his ex. Take it gradually but not necessarily a red flag

TheShellBeach · 29/10/2023 16:07

I'm a bit on the fence about this.

Maybe you could carry on seeing him and try to find out a bit more - I agree it's a bit early to ask questions about maintenance.

Ggttl · 29/10/2023 16:12

It also depends on if want something very casual or if you are looking for a more serious relationship. If it is the latter, I would throw this one back.

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 16:15

It does suggest he might lack patience and stick ability. The first years are the hardest and to leave his ex with a toddler and a baby because they “weren’t getting along” seems like a pretty weak reason. I’d want to know exactly why they weren’t getting along and what he did to try to make things work before I considered him a serious prospect.

PestilencialCrisis · 29/10/2023 16:31

It would probably put me off. I'm not sure if I can fully articulate why, but it would make me think he wasn't great boyfriend or father material. Probably super harsh. But as a new mother, you are so exhausted and your hormones are still all over the place and yes, it is much easier to not have to deal with the sleepless nights and the pooey nappies so he has found the door and left his ex to deal with it all alone.

Contact and maintenance would also concern me, as would the fact that he can't have been single that long.

Is he on the rebound? Is he just looking for someone to cook and clean for him now his ex is occupied with the children and he stopped being her main priority? Has he definitely left her? Is there a chance they might reconcile?

00100001 · 29/10/2023 16:34

I just wouldn't get involved with a guy who has two young kids and has left the mother high and dry.

It will be you next.

Original poster
Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 16:34

Lots of really great advice snd opinions thanks.

I don’t know what I’m looking for.

I don’t want a FWB but I’m also not looking to have married and have kids.
So a proper relationship but nothing too serious.

I guess without knowing the truth about his past, I will never know if he cheated, left because he’s a dick or they just grew apart.

I think I’ll perhaps meet him once more and see if any other red flags come up and in the meantime try and decide whether I’d actually want to start a relationship with a man with such young kids.

OP posts:
YoureALizardHarry11 · 29/10/2023 16:36

It’s not so much the fact he’s left before the child is one, but what would bother me is the fact that he and his ex couldn’t have split that long ago and he’s already on the look out for a new relationship. How long have they been split? He may be desperate on the rebound etc.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 29/10/2023 16:41

Even if, as pp said, they split before the baby was born that doesn’t really reflect well on him having left a pregnant woman. Unless she dumped him but even then you would wonder what went on. Haha I’m such a cynic these days!

DistrictAndCircle · 29/10/2023 16:58

Is it not a bit of a red flag that you have met up twice and spent quite a lot of time talking/texting without you learning age of his kids?

rmc2001 · 29/10/2023 17:04

I think you don’t know enough yet to completely end things. If you enjoy spending time together then carry on meeting up and get to know him better.
Its definitely a green flag that he doesn’t slag off his ex.
As for the baby, it could be that the relationship has been over for 18 months, whether they were together or not. Babies can exacerbate cracks in relationships that weren’t so obvious before. It’s not necessarily him being selfish, it may just be that it took having kids for them to work out they didn’t really like each other.
But I think you need to know more before you make a judgement. X

Onlinetherapist · 29/10/2023 17:08

Mmm, not sure about this one. Having a young toddler and a baby is a very tough time in a relationship. But leaving at that time because you ‘aren’t getting on?’ Surely you try to work through the early years, it gets easier in time? My guess is that there’s more to it.

Also, do you want to spend your free time helping to parent someone else’s babies if this becomes serious? Now that your own are grown? Isn’t now the time for you to be having some fun as an adult? I would give very careful consideration to this..

Babyghirl · 29/10/2023 17:11

@Itsnotchristmasyet
My dp and ex split up when she was 3m pregnant with there second they broke up when first was younger, but for some reason wanted to try again, turned out she used him for the second baby, we got together when baby was 6m old and together 8 years own a house engaged to be married with a 11m old, don't always assume I was him that walked it's not always the case.

Dramatic · 29/10/2023 17:14

My DH left his wife when his daughter was 6 months old because he found out she had been cheating on him while he was away with work (I know this to be true, she is still with the man she cheated with) and she'd been quite nasty and abusive to him too. I met him when his daughter was almost 2, she's now 8 and we're still going strong.

sofasofa42 · 29/10/2023 17:37

I think there is only one reason why a man is dating with that much personal baggage and that's because he wants to get laid- desperately. I wouldn't go anywhere near this horrible situation. He could be the nicest bloke going , but he isn't in the position to be kind to you and put you first. You will be a long way down on the list , with a few scraps of attention thrown your way if you do give him easy and stress free access to sex.

Busephalus · 29/10/2023 17:51

' not getting on' ? Is not enough if a reason for me, the early years of child raising can be tough