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AIBU?

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Original poster

Having a 1yo…red flag???

81 replies

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 15:27

Posting here for voting.

I have been speaking to someone from OLD and we’ve met up twice and had a really good time both times and want to meet up again.

We talk a lot on the phone/through texts and we’re starting to get to know each other more and more.
We both knew each other had kids quite early on but obviously didn’t really speak about them much.

But I’ve recently found out that his youngest is 1 next month.
He does have one that’s a couple years older too with the same woman.

This has completely thrown me, as although I strongly believe you should never stay in a relationship just for the kids, I can’t help thinking that having a 1yo or under, is not the right time to end a relationship.
I realise I may be overthinking it though.

So would you see this as a potential red flag?
Have you separated from your partner before your child was 1 and why?

YABU - this is not a potential red flag.
It’s common for people to separate before the baby is 1.

YANBU - this is a potential red flag.
As most people do not separate before the baby is 1.

OP posts:
Maraa · 29/10/2023 19:53

I have understand your reservations completely and I would probably have thought the same beforehand, however I was single 6 weeks after the birth of my first child. I had no idea it would happen until I found out my then partner had been having an affair. I didn’t see it coming and certainly didn’t want to be a single mum so early, but it is what is

Notamum12345577 · 29/10/2023 19:58

Ggttl · 29/10/2023 16:03

People don’t usually decide to have a second child with someone and then split up when the baby is a few months old just because they aren’t getting along. My guess is that he slept with someone else and she found out.

Or she slept with someone else?

Notamum12345577 · 29/10/2023 20:02

Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 17:58

Total red flag to me. Wouldnt even consider seeing him again. Must've been a shit dad.

How do you know he wasn’t a great dad, and the ex just decided she didn’t want to be with him, for any number of reasons?

Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 20:03

Notamum12345577 · 29/10/2023 20:02

How do you know he wasn’t a great dad, and the ex just decided she didn’t want to be with him, for any number of reasons?

Show quote history

Because that is just not plausible.

Rainbowqueeen · 29/10/2023 20:06

Completely agree with @Nepmarthiturn

Even if you don’t want kids with this guy it screams someone who can’t cope with tough times and doesn’t have his partners back. Who wants an unsupportive man child??

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 20:08

Notamum12345577 · 29/10/2023 20:02

How do you know he wasn’t a great dad, and the ex just decided she didn’t want to be with him, for any number of reasons?

Show quote history

Hahahaha yep, it’s terribly common for women to leave a great dad / partner for no serious reason so they can be a single mother with almost full-time care of a baby and toddler.

Notamum12345577 · 29/10/2023 20:18

Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 20:03

Because that is just not plausible.

Show quote history

Why is it not plausible, generally interested in why you think that?

Notamum12345577 · 29/10/2023 20:20

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 20:08

Hahahaha yep, it’s terribly common for women to leave a great dad / partner for no serious reason so they can be a single mother with almost full-time care of a baby and toddler.

Show quote history

I never said it was common, but it isn’t impossible that it can happen.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2023 20:25

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 15:54

We’ve not discussed anything heavy like child maintenance.

He said they split because they weren’t getting on.

He doesn’t slag her ex off - which is a big plus in my book.

He works a rota and dies shift work, so he doesn’t see them on set days.
But I know he’s sees them one day a week at least and he said he wasn’t able to have the LO over night as he wouldn’t take a bottle but now he can.

Obviously I have no idea if he’s lying though.

I am still on the fence about whether I want to be with someone with such young kids as mine is in secondary school and tbh I thought it was just me being picky but actually as another person has said it, it is something to think about.

I actually assumed his kids were the older and so maybe that is what’s also putting me off.

I am still on the fence about whether I want to be with someone with such young kids as mine is in secondary school

TBH, this would be a dealbreaker for me as far as any type of living together/marriage situation goes. I would NOT want to be 'starting over again' (even EOW, let alone 50/50) if my DC were secondary age. By that age they're starting to be independent and not need that constant supervision that younger children need. Especially if yours is 13-14 or older. Then you're getting to the point where you can have days or evenings out and leave your child safely at home. Trade that for a 4 year and a 1 year old? No chance.

Maybe I could do 'together apart' but that would be it. I wouldn't have a problem fitting myself around a partner's time with his children, as long as he fitted himself around mine. And I'd make sure the man understood that I was not, in any way, a 'stepmother' or parental figure who would be doing childcare, 'family holidays' etc because some men are known to try to find someone to shoulder that burden for them.

As far as when he & his ex separated, until you know the whole story you can't judge. I don't think it's right or fair to say 'anyone who leaves when their child is X years old is a shit'. You don't know the whole story. But I will say that just 'we weren't getting on' wouldn't be enough for me. I'd want to know why and what form it took, because 'not getting on' can cover a whole lot of territory from abuse to cheating to chewing with one's mouth full.

Vinoveritass · 29/10/2023 20:29

Id personally run a mile from a dad of a one year old!

Fionaville · 29/10/2023 20:38

Me and my DH didn't get on that well for about a year, when our second was born (10 years ago) It can be a though time, especially when fully breastfeeding (which it sounds like the ex is) So, I'd have less respect for a man who threw the towel in during that time or while she was pregnant. It would be a red flag for me. It tells me that when the going gets tough, he buggers off.

ChesterAndRaoul · 29/10/2023 20:38

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 20:08

Hahahaha yep, it’s terribly common for women to leave a great dad / partner for no serious reason so they can be a single mother with almost full-time care of a baby and toddler.

Show quote history

I left my ex when my first child was 6 months old, he was a wonderful father and still is, he was a good partner.

I left because despite all that we genuinely grew apart after having a baby, and I realised that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I met my current part 6 months later and we are still together 10 years later.

People do leave great dads because they have grown apart, and it's not necessarily a red flag that a parent is ready to date afterwards.

Only OP can work out whether it is a red flag in this situation, but so much more info is needed.
I personally wouldn't write someone off for this.

Ggttl · 29/10/2023 20:50

Notamum12345577 · 29/10/2023 19:58

Or she slept with someone else?

Show quote history

My money wouldn’t be on the heavily pregnant/postpartum mum with toddler in tow having the affair but you might be right.

Sugargliderwombat · 29/10/2023 20:51

It's a great big red flag with flashing red lights on.

Beezknees · 29/10/2023 20:57

I split up with my ex before DS was one.

However I didn't go OLD. I think that's pretty selfish when you have a baby, he should be focusing on his child not trying to find the next shag. I wouldn't date him for that alone.

PrintedButterflies · 29/10/2023 20:59

I personally wouldn’t date someone with a child that young but then I don’t want to date anyone with kids anyway whatever the age but tbf plenty of women date with young babies.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 21:08

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 15:54

We’ve not discussed anything heavy like child maintenance.

He said they split because they weren’t getting on.

He doesn’t slag her ex off - which is a big plus in my book.

He works a rota and dies shift work, so he doesn’t see them on set days.
But I know he’s sees them one day a week at least and he said he wasn’t able to have the LO over night as he wouldn’t take a bottle but now he can.

Obviously I have no idea if he’s lying though.

I am still on the fence about whether I want to be with someone with such young kids as mine is in secondary school and tbh I thought it was just me being picky but actually as another person has said it, it is something to think about.

I actually assumed his kids were the older and so maybe that is what’s also putting me off.

I almost wondered if you're dating my ex - not quite exact details (unless you've changed for privacy!)

I always wonder what he would tell new woman he dated. He was awful to me in pregnancy then walked out on me ( a few weeks after proposing) at 34 weeks. He was adamant that I was to blame for not handling stress and anxiety well enough (but couldn't handle a discussion about the things he was doing that caused me stress and anxiety without shouting at me). I am allowing him to see our baby regularly but I truly pity whoever goes out with him next.

Things got very bad during pregnancy but at the time i didn't even think that leaving him was an option. It was absolutely awful being left pregnant and it shows me how selfish he was. I don't know the details of your new guy but I'd be very very cautious and tread carefully. Watch out for signs of him being selfish and having low emotional resilience and blaming you

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 21:08

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 16:15

It does suggest he might lack patience and stick ability. The first years are the hardest and to leave his ex with a toddler and a baby because they “weren’t getting along” seems like a pretty weak reason. I’d want to know exactly why they weren’t getting along and what he did to try to make things work before I considered him a serious prospect.

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 21:09

PestilencialCrisis · 29/10/2023 16:31

It would probably put me off. I'm not sure if I can fully articulate why, but it would make me think he wasn't great boyfriend or father material. Probably super harsh. But as a new mother, you are so exhausted and your hormones are still all over the place and yes, it is much easier to not have to deal with the sleepless nights and the pooey nappies so he has found the door and left his ex to deal with it all alone.

Contact and maintenance would also concern me, as would the fact that he can't have been single that long.

Is he on the rebound? Is he just looking for someone to cook and clean for him now his ex is occupied with the children and he stopped being her main priority? Has he definitely left her? Is there a chance they might reconcile?

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 21:09

YoureALizardHarry11 · 29/10/2023 16:41

Even if, as pp said, they split before the baby was born that doesn’t really reflect well on him having left a pregnant woman. Unless she dumped him but even then you would wonder what went on. Haha I’m such a cynic these days!

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 21:11

Poudretteite · 29/10/2023 18:11

That's a huge red flag imo - not just the baby, but 'we split because we weren't getting on'? With a baby under a year old? At the very least he's a knob for leaving his ex with the kids, because that's no fun anymore, and going off OLD and living the single life.

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 21:12

toddlermama99 · 29/10/2023 18:17

Hmm. I left my child's father when my son was 8 months old, but he treated me like utter crap during pregnancy and postpartum so it was a long time coming! I met my partner when my son was 14 months old and 2.5 years later we live together, they absolutely adore eachother etc and it worked out perfectly fine for us. Granted, I'm the mother in the scenario but I wouldn't see it as an immediate red flag.

How did you manage to meet your new DH? (Looking for tips here 😂)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 21:14

Babyghirl · 29/10/2023 18:18

@Dacadactyl
Why must he be a shit dad, this board is double standard sometimes, if the woman was on I have a 6m but not happy in relationship yous would all be telling her to leave, would that make her a shit mum.

No because she's probably take the baby and the work of it with her. For a woman to kick out her partner when she has a young baby he must be really really really bad. If it was just that the passion had gone most woman would stick it out for a while to try to keep family together and have someone to help them at least

Babyghirl · 29/10/2023 22:33

@CheekyHobson
If he was that shit of being a dad or partner, why stay with him and have a second baby, I'm sure if he was a shit dad she would of found this out after the first baby 🤦‍♀️, and no way I'm I saying that he might not be at fault all I'm saying is the finger is getting pointed at him without any facts.

@Notamum12345577
I'm with you on this no way can the woman be to blame for any of this, is alway pointed in the males direction.

CurlewKate · 30/10/2023 15:43

Why must be he a shit dad? Because he has 2 children-one less than a year old, presumably hi is also employed yet he still has energy and head space to sign up with a dating app, and not talk about his children to potential dates. Which means they aren't up there with the most important things in his life. That's why he's a shit dad/person.

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