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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a 1yo…red flag???

81 replies

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 15:27

Posting here for voting.

I have been speaking to someone from OLD and we’ve met up twice and had a really good time both times and want to meet up again.

We talk a lot on the phone/through texts and we’re starting to get to know each other more and more.
We both knew each other had kids quite early on but obviously didn’t really speak about them much.

But I’ve recently found out that his youngest is 1 next month.
He does have one that’s a couple years older too with the same woman.

This has completely thrown me, as although I strongly believe you should never stay in a relationship just for the kids, I can’t help thinking that having a 1yo or under, is not the right time to end a relationship.
I realise I may be overthinking it though.

So would you see this as a potential red flag?
Have you separated from your partner before your child was 1 and why?

YABU - this is not a potential red flag.
It’s common for people to separate before the baby is 1.

YANBU - this is a potential red flag.
As most people do not separate before the baby is 1.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 17:58

Total red flag to me. Wouldnt even consider seeing him again. Must've been a shit dad.

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 18:06

I guess without knowing the truth about his past, I will never know if he cheated, left because he’s a dick or they just grew apart.

I would have to wonder what “just growing apart” really means in the early years of parenthood. I understand that young couples “just grow apart” when one of them is ready to settle down and the other is focused on career or travelling. Or one person becomes very interested in an active lifestyle while the other isn’t.

Or older couples find that once the kids have left home, one person wants to be busy and social and keep learning while the other just wants to kick back. But what does “just growing apart” really mean when you are in the thick
of what is arguably the most important joint project couples take on?

My guess that the distance primarily comes from one person deciding parenting isn’t really for them after all, and just tapping out.

Ontheperiphery79 · 29/10/2023 18:08

I left my ex when our twins were 5 months old.
There's no way I would have considered dating when my DC were so young or so soon after my marriage ending.
5 years on, I've remained single and celibate, but that's another story!
I would not date a guy who had children that young, especially one who only sees his kids once a week.

vernatheraven · 29/10/2023 18:11

Depends what he is like as a person.
Why did they split?

Is he supporting his children as seeing them?

My DSS split with his ex two days before she found out she was pregnant.

He proposed and she said no she liked him but it wouldnt work long term she just wasn't into him enough.

It all depends really

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 18:11

My DH left his wife when his daughter was 6 months old because he found out she had been cheating on him while he was away with work

That’s an example of high-level bad behaviour on the ex’s part, and understandable as a reason to end things.

I would be suspicious of a vague reason like “weren’t getting along” as an excuse to leave a partner with a baby.

Poudretteite · 29/10/2023 18:11

That's a huge red flag imo - not just the baby, but 'we split because we weren't getting on'? With a baby under a year old? At the very least he's a knob for leaving his ex with the kids, because that's no fun anymore, and going off OLD and living the single life.

vernatheraven · 29/10/2023 18:12

vernatheraven · 29/10/2023 18:11

Depends what he is like as a person.
Why did they split?

Is he supporting his children as seeing them?

My DSS split with his ex two days before she found out she was pregnant.

He proposed and she said no she liked him but it wouldnt work long term she just wasn't into him enough.

It all depends really

To add - they get along fine as co parents. No issues. We are all very lucky.

Missingmyusername · 29/10/2023 18:13

Well the baby may not have been planned for a start so I voted YABU.

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 18:13

Absolutely. Run!!!!

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 18:14

"Well it depends how often he see’s the child. He might only be allowed access one day a week"

If he says this do not believe him without proof.

PerspiringElizabeth · 29/10/2023 18:15

Yes, massive red flag. NOT because they broke up (that could have been the mature decision, she could have fled from his abuse, multitude of reasons)... but because he should probably be single for a bit in any case if it’s recent enough to have an under-1.

PerspiringElizabeth · 29/10/2023 18:16

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 18:14

"Well it depends how often he see’s the child. He might only be allowed access one day a week"

If he says this do not believe him without proof.

Yeah. Also don’t be with someone who is only allowed to see their kid once a week. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 who wants to involve themself in that set up??

toddlermama99 · 29/10/2023 18:17

Hmm. I left my child's father when my son was 8 months old, but he treated me like utter crap during pregnancy and postpartum so it was a long time coming! I met my partner when my son was 14 months old and 2.5 years later we live together, they absolutely adore eachother etc and it worked out perfectly fine for us. Granted, I'm the mother in the scenario but I wouldn't see it as an immediate red flag.

Babyghirl · 29/10/2023 18:18

@Dacadactyl
Why must he be a shit dad, this board is double standard sometimes, if the woman was on I have a 6m but not happy in relationship yous would all be telling her to leave, would that make her a shit mum.

Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 18:23

Babyghirl · 29/10/2023 18:18

@Dacadactyl
Why must he be a shit dad, this board is double standard sometimes, if the woman was on I have a 6m but not happy in relationship yous would all be telling her to leave, would that make her a shit mum.

Maybe SOME posters would be telling her to leave. Not me though.

Starseeking · 29/10/2023 18:24

It would be a red flag for me as most women generally tend not to get rid of their DP when they have DC younger than 1 or not yet born unless that DP is extremely useless. I.e. the woman prefers to go what she knows will be a very difficult time alone, than have a pointless man in situ for a second longer.

Either that, he was cheating or he just couldn't be arsed with not being centre of attention and helping with babies. After all that, I'd definitely be wary.

Dramatic · 29/10/2023 18:25

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 18:11

My DH left his wife when his daughter was 6 months old because he found out she had been cheating on him while he was away with work

That’s an example of high-level bad behaviour on the ex’s part, and understandable as a reason to end things.

I would be suspicious of a vague reason like “weren’t getting along” as an excuse to leave a partner with a baby.

Yes there's definitely a difference. I suppose my question would be whether she instigated it or he did.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 29/10/2023 18:26

Ggttl · 29/10/2023 16:03

People don’t usually decide to have a second child with someone and then split up when the baby is a few months old just because they aren’t getting along. My guess is that he slept with someone else and she found out.

Sometimes pregnancies aren't planned. My DH separated from his ex when their baby was under 1, and we got together within that 12 months too. Several years later we're married and she's happily with someone else. The pregnancy wasn't planned, first time they had slept together in ages, she booked a termination then changed her mind. They were done before the pregnancy but just delayed the actual separation. These things happen.

Babyghirl · 29/10/2023 19:03

Maybe just maybe she was the problem and that's why he left its not always the man's fault, but the jury seems to be out he cheated. he's a shit dad, just because he has a 1 year old and not together with the mother.

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 19:10

Babyghirl · 29/10/2023 19:03

Maybe just maybe she was the problem and that's why he left its not always the man's fault, but the jury seems to be out he cheated. he's a shit dad, just because he has a 1 year old and not together with the mother.

Absolutely she could be. But if I were in the position of having walked out on a baby and a toddler who I now only had weekly contact with, I’d be making it pretty clear to any other parent I started dating that I left because my ex made it untenable for me to stay. I would recognise how bad it looks to tap out of parenting so early in the game.

Babyghirl · 29/10/2023 19:23

@CheekyHobson
Then netmums makes them out to be the messed up one who blames the ex on everything, so seems men can't win either way.

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 19:33

Babyghirl · 29/10/2023 19:23

@CheekyHobson
Then netmums makes them out to be the messed up one who blames the ex on everything, so seems men can't win either way.

Oh, okay, you’re just here to showcase your “The poor men can’t win” agenda and not to actually respond to the OP. Carry on then.

QWERTYoutside · 29/10/2023 19:33

There is more going on than red flags and he can’t help what you assumed.
Do you want to date a man with such young dc and the things that serious relationship involve, day trips and step parenting. Your dc are secondary school age. Your life stages are very different. Can you be content to go back to the tiring times of such young children now you have more freedom.

TrashedSofa · 29/10/2023 19:35

That's a lot of very recent baggage. It would put me off.

Nepmarthiturn · 29/10/2023 19:43

In the absence of a very convincing and plausible explanation then yes, it is red flag central. 🚩🚩🚩 Was it that he couldn't accept that a relationship will be less fun and maybe a bit rocky when you have a small child and a new baby? Who walks out when their child is a few months old?

And if the relationship was bad beforehand, then why have a second baby? Again irresponsible.

And then having left two young children to immediately be looking for a new relationship rather than focusing his effort on establishing a good co-parenting relationship with their mother, ensuring the children have adjusted to the new setup and feel secure, and appropriate contact and financial arrangements are in place etc...

It screams selfish, irresponsible manchild to me unless there is a huge backstory (that he can actually evidence, not some spiel about a "crazy ex" who he inexplicably decided to have a second baby with) and he can prove he is prioritising his children's needs over his own, financially and emotionally.

If not, I wouldn't touch this one with a bargepole.