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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a 1yo…red flag???

81 replies

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 15:27

Posting here for voting.

I have been speaking to someone from OLD and we’ve met up twice and had a really good time both times and want to meet up again.

We talk a lot on the phone/through texts and we’re starting to get to know each other more and more.
We both knew each other had kids quite early on but obviously didn’t really speak about them much.

But I’ve recently found out that his youngest is 1 next month.
He does have one that’s a couple years older too with the same woman.

This has completely thrown me, as although I strongly believe you should never stay in a relationship just for the kids, I can’t help thinking that having a 1yo or under, is not the right time to end a relationship.
I realise I may be overthinking it though.

So would you see this as a potential red flag?
Have you separated from your partner before your child was 1 and why?

YABU - this is not a potential red flag.
It’s common for people to separate before the baby is 1.

YANBU - this is a potential red flag.
As most people do not separate before the baby is 1.

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 30/10/2023 15:51

Yeah, unfortunately, statistically, a man leaving while his partner is pregnant or has a newborn is far more likely to have either chosen to leave or been tossed out because he was a useless twat during a difficult time.

BUT... that's not 100% true. so I'd see this as an orange flag rather than a red one. The fact that he doesn't talk about his crazy ex and does apparently see his children regularly is a good sign.

Having said all that, if you have much older children, I'd be hesitant about a relationship with a man with young kids. He's either NOT going to prioritise them in which case he's a wanker, or he WILL prioritise them, which is good, but selfishly, if you're kids are older why would you want to go back to having to handle toddler tantrums and the endless barbie phase! Grin

popandchoc · 30/10/2023 15:59

My ex left me when I was pregnant and ended up with someone who worked with before my daughter was 1. I do wonder what he said that would make her be interested but they are still together now...

PixieLaLar · 30/10/2023 16:04

Ggttl · 29/10/2023 16:03

People don’t usually decide to have a second child with someone and then split up when the baby is a few months old just because they aren’t getting along. My guess is that he slept with someone else and she found out.

Thats not true and quite a conclusion to jump to that he must have slept with someone else!

I’ve seen loads of couples who are already not getting along great thinking a second baby will ‘fix’ their relationship. Shocker it doesn’t…so they split up. It’s really not that unusual.

Nepmarthiturn · 30/10/2023 16:45

I’ve seen loads of couples who are already not getting along great thinking a second baby will ‘fix’ their relationship. Shocker it doesn’t…so they split up. It’s really not that unusual.

Maybe loads of people do that, but it's not very bright or responsible, or an indicator of someone who is a good parent and puts their children's needs first, is it? I can't imagine that being someone who would bring another child into an unhappy relationship and then leave the relationship soon after the second child is born, and then immediately start searching for a new partner rather than focusing their time and effort on ensuring stability for the children, are qualities that are high up on many people's list of desireable qualities in a prospective partner! Not people with their head screwed on, anyway.

PixieLaLar · 30/10/2023 18:40

Nepmarthiturn · 30/10/2023 16:45

I’ve seen loads of couples who are already not getting along great thinking a second baby will ‘fix’ their relationship. Shocker it doesn’t…so they split up. It’s really not that unusual.

Maybe loads of people do that, but it's not very bright or responsible, or an indicator of someone who is a good parent and puts their children's needs first, is it? I can't imagine that being someone who would bring another child into an unhappy relationship and then leave the relationship soon after the second child is born, and then immediately start searching for a new partner rather than focusing their time and effort on ensuring stability for the children, are qualities that are high up on many people's list of desireable qualities in a prospective partner! Not people with their head screwed on, anyway.

So you have made the sweeping judgement that this guy is essentially thick, irresponsible, a bad parent and OP must not have her head screwed on to even consider him….Wow you are incredibly judgemental.

Nepmarthiturn · 30/10/2023 19:25

No. My comment was a response to the poster who specifically said it's not uncommon for people to decide to have another child when a relationship is already breaking down and then end the relationship shortly after the child is born. My comment said if he did that then it's hardly demonstrating good qualities, is it? I didn't claim that this was what happened in this case.

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