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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this distant relative can fuck off?

92 replies

Quiteenough · 29/10/2023 01:51

For context , DS has autism, it makes his life harder in some ways but also he’s bloody Brilliant aswell. His special struggle is social stuff , dealing with people and social constructs, his special gift is music. So he can sometimes be awkward as hell and also he’s lovely to be around when he’s doing his thing. There’s a whole grey area there too when he’s sort of the stressed out human on the peripherals of something he wants to be part of but doesn’t really get , and he works really hard at this stuff.
anyway, let’s call her a cousin, seems to really hate him. I can’t work out why , he’s so young he’s not old enough to have actually offended her. But everytime he does something, plays a bit of music, someone comments on his work ( they might have just been at his school concert) she absolutely tears him to pieces. Says things like, he shouldn’t be on stage, his performance was poor etc. it’s getting hard to manage because I wouldn’t dream of calling her out because she’s really young aswell. But so’s he, he’s a baby and this is what he does. I don’t want him to take her comments on board. Any advice?

OP posts:
Nevermind31 · 29/10/2023 01:53

How old is your child and the cousin?

Quiteenough · 29/10/2023 01:53

7 and 10

OP posts:
Zzizzisnotzeproblem · 29/10/2023 01:55

Talk to her mother and tell her to stop her child being such a dick.

QWERTYoutside · 29/10/2023 01:55

Tell her. If you’ve nothing nice to say, don’t speak, speak to her parent/s, if no improvement limit contact

StripeyDeckchair · 29/10/2023 01:58

How old is the child & where is her parent?
It's unacceptable behaviour and she needd to be told this in an age appropriate way.

If her parent won't stop it then you should stop meeting up with her - you need to protect your son.

If this kind of behaviour isn't stopped she will become that child who everyone avoids because they're always nasty.

Quiteenough · 29/10/2023 01:59

@Zzizzisnotzeproblem oh that’s what I want to do. That’s what my instincts tell me. It will probably cause a bit of drama, but I think that’s where this needs to go now. Thanks

OP posts:
Itsbritneybitch22 · 29/10/2023 01:59

She’s got no problem opening her mouth and talking about him so open yours and tell her about her bad manners and bad attitude.

Zzizzisnotzeproblem · 29/10/2023 01:05

I think your instincts are spot on. To be honest if one of mine was being so unkind I’d want to deal with it. It’s just a yucky way to behave.

Quiteenough · 29/10/2023 01:06

Thanks. I’ve just read all your messages . You’ve just confirmed what I felt. I was being a bit of a wet wipe I think because MIL suggested she was jealous of him getting attention . I’ve decided now to not invite them to anything because it’s not supportive. I don’t think it’s the kid, I think it’s gotta be from her parents. Will have DN round for normal cousin stuff but nothing where DS is performing or centre or attention until she’s mature enough not to be a dick about it.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 29/10/2023 01:09

Is she on the spectrum too?

FannyBawz · 29/10/2023 01:15

Stand up for your child FFS

Life is hard for autistic kids, they need all the support you can give them (mother of 2)

Fionaville · 29/10/2023 01:15

You need to stand up for your son! At 10 she should know better. My 10 year old would never dream of talking like that to anybody! Tell her she is being really horrible. I wouldn't let this go at all. Your DS needs your protection.

Sarahzb · 29/10/2023 01:46

Dreadful shitbaggery. Bullying nonsense. Tell the parents and the kid. Awful. I have to say that girls at that age are more advanced and know what they do. And I am female

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 29/10/2023 02:00

I honestly don't understand why you haven't said something to her parents ... and to her if her parents failed to actually, you know, parent!

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 29/10/2023 02:22

Is she posting this on social media at all? I would keep receipts. I find it odd that this twerpy kid is saying that he’s so young, he shouldn’t be on stage. Do you think she’s parroting what she hears at home? I think you absolutely need to stand up to the parents and let them know that you are pretty sure she hasn’t come up with these ideas by herself and it’s time someone told her and everyone else with these opinions to zip it because they’re making themselves look ugly to everyone else.

SequentialAnalyst · 29/10/2023 02:32

Which one is older?

I was a horrid older sister to my DB who was 2yr 8m younger than me. I was a right clever clogs, and made him play schoolsShock Until I was about 15, I automatically contradicted him whatever he said, and as I was cleverer and liked studying I was always right (did I mention I was a clever clogs?Blush) Then one day, he was right and I was wrong! Thankfully I was growing out of being a dickhead by then, and took the lesson to heart.

I was also socially awkward, and suspect I am ND, with what I would class as Aspergers.

Is there any kind of interest they have which overlap? Or perhaps that is the problem?

IAmtheVampiresWife · 29/10/2023 03:15

tIf she is a distant relative then there is no need for her to be there.

CloudyAgain · 29/10/2023 05:02

Itsbritneybitch22 · 29/10/2023 01:59

She’s got no problem opening her mouth and talking about him so open yours and tell her about her bad manners and bad attitude.

This. And it sounds like she is jealous.

And bring it up with her parents. They should be teaching her some mannners.

QueenMegan · 29/10/2023 05:11

I don't understand why you don't calmly say that's unkind. Your poor son. Sounds like she is also socially awkward

TookTheBook · 29/10/2023 05:29

Why is she there? Are they at the same school? Ask the school to tackle it?

Autiebibliophile · 29/10/2023 05:34

I would tell her parents if they are unaware and ask them to speak to her. If it doesn't stop I'd limit time they spend together

Nomorelittlebabybum · 29/10/2023 05:35

Bless him. My son is 7, ND too. I would say something in front of her and him along the lines of 'I don't agree, he's amazing on stage. What you're saying isn't very kind '
I think it's important he hears you stick up for him and she understands it's not appropriate (especially if her mum isn't setting these boundaries).

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/10/2023 05:44

I agree with this @Nomorelittlebabybum

AllFadestoBlack · 29/10/2023 05:47

I vote you're being unreasonable but I meant in terms of not bringing it up with her. What she says is awful.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 29/10/2023 05:50

I'm also confused why she would be there for performances - do they go to the same school?