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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this distant relative can fuck off?

92 replies

Quiteenough · 29/10/2023 01:51

For context , DS has autism, it makes his life harder in some ways but also he’s bloody Brilliant aswell. His special struggle is social stuff , dealing with people and social constructs, his special gift is music. So he can sometimes be awkward as hell and also he’s lovely to be around when he’s doing his thing. There’s a whole grey area there too when he’s sort of the stressed out human on the peripherals of something he wants to be part of but doesn’t really get , and he works really hard at this stuff.
anyway, let’s call her a cousin, seems to really hate him. I can’t work out why , he’s so young he’s not old enough to have actually offended her. But everytime he does something, plays a bit of music, someone comments on his work ( they might have just been at his school concert) she absolutely tears him to pieces. Says things like, he shouldn’t be on stage, his performance was poor etc. it’s getting hard to manage because I wouldn’t dream of calling her out because she’s really young aswell. But so’s he, he’s a baby and this is what he does. I don’t want him to take her comments on board. Any advice?

OP posts:
FloofCloud · 29/10/2023 05:51

She's bloody out of line! My kids are both ND and they need supporting, so have a word with the parents. If they aren't supportive then I'd call her out online.
She may well be jealous but she's totally out of line and being a nasty little bully

Wheredidyougonow · 29/10/2023 05:55

Dotcheck · 29/10/2023 01:09

Is she on the spectrum too?

Oh ffs!!

HewasH2O · 29/10/2023 05:55

If she is a distant relative I can only imagine that they are at the same school to even be aware of what he's doing. Either speak to her parents or the school.

LimePi · 29/10/2023 06:09

I would literally say in the moment that it is an unkind thing to say and you are not going to tolerate that, so either she stops her criticism or you as family leave.
cant believe other adults are not intervening

TakeMe2Insanity · 29/10/2023 06:23

No way should the 10 year old be acting like this towards the 7 year old. You mentioned social media, presume she’s commenting from her account on to yours? Give her parents the option to talk to her, and also point out if this is what she saying to a child in the family what is she saying to other children? Then if she comments again, pull her up openly. Give the parents a chance first.

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/10/2023 06:32

100% not okay.

The autism is actually irrelevant. This is just not an acceptable way for family to behave.

Definitely have it out with the parents and limit contact and be clear why.
At 10 she is old enough to be told actions have consequences

WillimNot · 29/10/2023 06:45

It's the parents. Kids at that age repeat what they hear at home. I think the bigger issue is the adults being vile enough for her to think it's fine to repeat it.

May I ask what related they are to you? In laws or not? Is there a chance they feel a grandparent favours your son more?

DH had a work mate years back who moved into our street so we started to socialise with them. The wife was vile and I would be polite to her because I have manners but I didn't particularly like her or the way she behaved.

They had two sons who were little beggars, always being naughty and she would do nothing. At one point the younger one smashed an entire bottle of my perfume because he "thought it was funny". So I told him off and said I would be making his parents replace it.

"My mum says you're a stuck up bitch and you should fuck off"
She didn't even deny it.

After that we barely saw the wife or kids. I always felt sorry for her husband, she had an affair in the end and they moved away.

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 29/10/2023 06:47

Being ten does not mean you don't get to have an opinion.

Onceuponaheatache · 29/10/2023 06:51

Assuming she is the 10 year old then call her out on her behaviour in public. Stand up for your boy. He needs you to do this loudly and supportively.

EmmaDilemma5 · 29/10/2023 06:53

10 isn't that young. She should know better by now. I'd stop seeing her.

BishyBarnyBee · 29/10/2023 07:19

She's 10. She seems grown up compared to your 7 year old, but if he's a "baby" at 7, she's still a very young child learning how to be in the world.

That's not to say that she isn't in the wrong. It is bullying behaviour, as others have said. Most bullying is about picking on someone weaker/smaller/younger/more socially awkward to you, to make yourself feel better.

One possibility is to talk to her about her behaviour in a way that helps her understand how unkind she's being. If it was my niece, I'd try to establish a good bond with her, talk about things I like about her etc, then say, I've noticed that you're very critical of small quitenough. When someone older and more mature is unkind to a younger child with autism, that's bullying. Do you want to be a bully towards small quiteenough?

More simply, you could use the old mumsnet "Did you mean to be unkind?"

Or you could talk to her parents and say she's been very critical about your son and you're wondering what they think about it.

But just writing her off feels very sad to me, it's a bit "leave the bastard" and she's only 10. Sadly, a lot of 10 year olds will be involved in bullying behaviour. They aren't all evil, and often what they need is gentle confrontation and help to understand how their actions are impacting on other people.

Beseen22 · 29/10/2023 07:23

My DS and niece are slightly younger but she can be a bit the same, very opinionated and not particularly kind. I think its just a stage to be honest as she heads towards preteen, she wants to feel grownup and by putting down the younger ones with all the stuff she knows makes her feel bigger. But at the end of the day she's a little girl and if her parents don't say anything I will say "I don't think that's a very kind thing to say". Doesn't need to be a massive drama, it's just her learning what is socially acceptable and what isn't.

Also my DS doesn't have ASD but is sometimes poor at social cues and is a massive people person so loves to have friends regardless of how nice they are to him. We have done quite a bit of work on how to call things out yourself and how people can have their opinion and thats fine but you don't have to just take their critique as gospel.

Octav · 29/10/2023 07:23

If you don’t stick up for your son who will? Tell her, whatever age she is, she’s out of order and why.,She needs to learn people have feelings and you won’t have your sons hurt any more. Don’t invite her to your home or go where she ia until she apologises and changes.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 29/10/2023 07:26

"Goodness what an unkind thing to say to someone who has worked hard on something."

Hard Paddington stare. Don't be nervous about sticking up for your son. If they get funny, flip it. Would it be acceptable for your son to make such a comment to their daughter?

AvacadoFieldsForever · 29/10/2023 07:26

Could you say something like “if i heard someone talking about you like that I would really tell them off. He’d be really hurt if he heard that”. I would guess at 10 she just doesn’t understand the impact of what she’s doing and about loyalty etc.

Plantymcplantface · 29/10/2023 07:28

The ND here is a red herring. The 10 year old hasn’t learnt basic social manners. @Beseen22 has it in the first paragraph and I agree. Just say next time - that isn’t a very kind thing to say. Then consistently repeating every time she makes mean comments.

If DN continues, you will know it’s deliberate, she lacks the maturity to learn, or she is jealous/parents are jealous and she is being encouraged by others around her. At this stage I would limit contact and let the parents know why.

Yorkshiretearascal · 29/10/2023 07:34

Sounds to me like the 10 year old is jealous of the attention your DS gets when he is praised in front of her. Maybe she doesn't get any/enough praise and attention herself so she is acting in this way. It doesn't excuse it and make it right, but there is always a reason behind a behaviour and an unmet need somewhere. Are you able to speak to her parent(s) about the issue and maybe find out if it happens in other social settings too?

Namechangedforspooky · 29/10/2023 07:34

I have a 10 yo dd too. It’s definitely not age appropriate behaviour to be talking like that and I would be pulling up mine very firmly if she behaved like that. I agree she’s likely heard it at home and is repeating it

Saschka · 29/10/2023 07:36

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 29/10/2023 06:47

Being ten does not mean you don't get to have an opinion.

She can have as many obnoxious opinions as she likes. She doesn’t get to share them with his parents without consequence. Same is true for adults.

SoulCaptain · 29/10/2023 07:37

OP a lot of good suggestions here. I'd echo other posters but as someone who has also spent time sticking up for DS I wouldn't be shy to be assertive about it. Rather than say 'I don't think that's a kind thing....' get comfortable saying 'That's not a kind thing to say' followed by eg 'we are really proud of him, he has really done well with xyz. Don't say things like that to him again'

Lengokengo · 29/10/2023 07:40

I am probably massively projecting here but…. I grew up in a house with no praise and lots of criticism. I excelled at school and music but it was never acknowledged, or if it was, it was negative. It was upsetting and confusing but I developed coping strategies . I had a cousin who was an only child and was reasonable at some subjects at school and probably just above average at music. She was praised to the skies for every single achievement, which was lovely for her, but very confusing and unfair in my eyes. We were the same age. Any mild comment from me unless absolute fulsome praise, was brutally turned on by both her parents, and my parents ignored this ( but would criticise how spoilt the child was on the way home to each other.)
i would have hated to have gone to her piano recitals, for lots of reasons, including my own feelings, her parents behaviour and my parents behaviour ( public and private).

My solution is to simply not invite this child or family to your kids performances. It’s not working for any of you, including the 10 year old.

rainbowstardrops · 29/10/2023 07:52

Autism or not, I'd have pulled her up on it immediately the first time. If she then continued, I'd speak to the parents. Why on earth haven't you addressed it before now?

Parpadew · 29/10/2023 07:54

She's probably annoyed at having to sit through a random 7 year olds performances. Unless he's Mozart it's not actually pleasant, sorry.

lwishyouwould · 29/10/2023 07:59

I'd go to the parents here because she's being a little shit and it's their job to sort it.

Epidote · 29/10/2023 08:01

Itsbritneybitch22 · 29/10/2023 01:59

She’s got no problem opening her mouth and talking about him so open yours and tell her about her bad manners and bad attitude.

This in capital letters.

The fact your kid is autistic is irrelevant, the cousin is getting some manners towards become a spoilt brat. Now is your kid, later will be someone else.