To think this distant relative can fuck off?

[Quiteenough]

For context , DS has autism, it makes his life harder in some ways but also he’s bloody Brilliant aswell. His special struggle is social stuff , dealing with people and social constructs, his special gift is music. So he can sometimes be awkward as hell and also he’s lovely to be around when he’s doing his thing. There’s a whole grey area there too when he’s sort of the stressed out human on the peripherals of something he wants to be part of but doesn’t really get , and he works really hard at this stuff.
anyway, let’s call her a cousin, seems to really hate him. I can’t work out why , he’s so young he’s not old enough to have actually offended her. But everytime he does something, plays a bit of music, someone comments on his work ( they might have just been at his school concert) she absolutely tears him to pieces. Says things like, he shouldn’t be on stage, his performance was poor etc. it’s getting hard to manage because I wouldn’t dream of calling her out because she’s really young aswell. But so’s he, he’s a baby and this is what he does. I don’t want him to take her comments on board. Any advice?

@Universalsnail because I’m extremely fond of MIL and it’s what she wants. Also DN was charming and adorable until this recent vitriol developed for DS.

She’s jealous that in those concerts the attention is on him, and possibly also that grandma favours him.

MIL needs to bear this in mind, and it would be wise not to invite (or allow MIL to invite) the other family. In fact, how about not inviting MIL to the next couple of concerts? Just dial it down a bit.

If DN is rude at family gatherings, surely someone can say something? My in-laws would have told any of the DGC off if they’d been nasty to each other.

10 year olds think they're extremely grown up noticing the relative talents of different people and sometimes need to learn what we do and don't say about people's abilities BUT it sounds like she's probably overheard someone batching to be so confident of her point of view. Definitely raise this as a we support people or we shut up, girls learning to be rude as.

@Quiteenough that is remarkable then!

I'd still be encouraging MIL not to invite everyone to the events. Maybe do something different involving a treat with cousin and family on a different day?

It sounds to me as if when DN is there to spit her bile, her parents are also there. What do they do when she behaves like this?

I would have absolutely NO qualms with telling off a child who routinely slags off my autistic child. Especially if their mother or grandmother keeps quiet.

You don’t need to go in hard, just pull them up on their rudeness and unkindness. Every. Single. Time.

Just as an aside, I find it so interesting when people clamour to say “autism isn’t even relevant here!” when it absolutely fucking is. Autistic kids are so vulnerable to bullying because other kids are so attuned to “different”. They sniff it out faster than any paediatrician 😅 And they attack. I have no doubt this is why the girl hates OP’s son so much. Yes, jealousy will be a factor but the dislike of him will have come first.

This^
don’t be rude but don’t be polite either.

Oh just saw your update so she is jealous. call her out every time and be consistent.
You said the cultural element involved so is it on MIL side?

@therealcookiemonster you're right about the language. Keyboard courage and pent up frustration because it’s been going on a while and I’m furious. Of course I’m kind and gentle in real life… probably too much so and likely part of the problem .

Why aren't you standing up for your son and supporting him? Every time she says something you need to pull her up and tell her she is being unkind and it must stop. And you absolutely should have brought it up with the parents

I'd probably ignore her. She's making a fool of herself - that's her problem.

It sounds very much like jealousy and like she's grown tired of coming to watch him, which is understandable at her age. What isn't acceptable is her voicing these thoughts to you, what exactly do her parents say when she comes out with these comments?

I have seen something similar and I have a different POV. I was not involved, this was friends kids. It depends if this child’s performance is any good, or if he is just getting praise for his efforts and other people like this 10 year old just do not want to have to say he is excellent to keep everyone happy, it might get on her nerves. I also remember the performers parents saying everyone was jealous if they were muted in appreciating their child. It made me laugh, literally nobody was jealous, we were just bemused and bored with it. Nobody criticised per se, but it wasn’t enough to stifle that we thought the efforts and adulation from the parents were OTT, we were expected to say we thought they were wonderful.

I am not saying it is OP situation, just saying other people may not be interested in their child’s performances.

The girl ought to be polite and not comment, but she should not have to be expected to praise him insincerely and should be asked if she actually wants to sit through a performance. If it is just on SM then she has no excuse and should not look and refrain from comments if not interested.

@Dramatic DN’s father (BIL) is good sometimes ,he tells her not to be rude and has gone so far as asking her to apologise . There was another incident involving some ponies once where DN kicked up a right stink because DS was going to be riding with them. BIL gave the pony and handler to DS and sent him ahead while he gave her a dressing down. He’s really very good when he catches her at it. SIL is very passive in everything and DN bullies her somewhat I’ve never heard her say ‘no’. They had a nanny through the terrible two and threenager years and I sometimes quietly wonder if those years are sent to teach us to put our feet down and develop discipline strategies. Because SIL lets DN get away with absolutely everything, BIL will step in but is afraid of causing a scene in restaurants and stuff so isn’t as good in public. Strange dynamics with MIL as BIL always acts as though she’s this fragile old lady that can’t handle drama or anything when I know her to be incredibly strong, assertive and quite the matriarch. But BIL has been a bit odd since FIL died. It’s all wrapped up complex relationships and psychology. Somewhere amongst all this is why DN can be such a madam I expect.

I think a quiet word with MIL might be the way to go. It sounds like the 10 year old is jealous of the attention your ds is getting. Maybe it would be best if MIL separated the concerts and meals out to different times and only invite the whole family to get together for the meals. If pony's are the girls thing then MIL could attend something pony related for her to shine at.

DN often tells him he was shit in those too

Does she actually use that word? Where is a 10yo getting that sort of language?

Is she reading your MN account? 🤔

Sounds like she is jealous. And perhaps materially spoilt, but craving affection and lashing out. What does she do that MIL makes a palaver of?