To think this distant relative can fuck off?

[Quiteenough]

For context , DS has autism, it makes his life harder in some ways but also he’s bloody Brilliant aswell. His special struggle is social stuff , dealing with people and social constructs, his special gift is music. So he can sometimes be awkward as hell and also he’s lovely to be around when he’s doing his thing. There’s a whole grey area there too when he’s sort of the stressed out human on the peripherals of something he wants to be part of but doesn’t really get , and he works really hard at this stuff.
anyway, let’s call her a cousin, seems to really hate him. I can’t work out why , he’s so young he’s not old enough to have actually offended her. But everytime he does something, plays a bit of music, someone comments on his work ( they might have just been at his school concert) she absolutely tears him to pieces. Says things like, he shouldn’t be on stage, his performance was poor etc. it’s getting hard to manage because I wouldn’t dream of calling her out because she’s really young aswell. But so’s he, he’s a baby and this is what he does. I don’t want him to take her comments on board. Any advice?

Why is she even there? At ten, I wouldn't have been as overtly rude as she's being, but I, not sure I'd want to do this more than once a year and it sounds like it's quite a regular thing.

I'm not excusing her behaviour. It needs to be handled, it's not acceptable. I'm just trying to work out the set up because it sounds unusual.

I'd agree with coming at this from a less hard position. My nephew has autism and similar issues, eg. not really reading social cues and behaving slightly outside of social norms - think talking over other children's parts during school plays type behavior. My daughter is a similar age but is the classic "good girl" and really tries to do everything "right". She is very perplexed by him. Praise is profusely given to DN by the adults in the family for his achievements (rightly, so) but she will say "But Mummy, he was throwing things during the service" and look confused.

She is learning about autism through him and will continue to grasp it better as she gets older. For now, we gently point out that DN finds some of those situations or activities really challenging, and that is why it is a big deal for him.

But.... like others have said, I do think there is a risk that she gets overlooked a bit in the family. Think comments like lots of praise for him, then "And yes, DD, you did well too.", then conversation moves on. I do get a sense she is starting to feel a bit overshadowed by him. I agree with other posters above who suggested maybe looking at some of the underlying reasons for why she might be saying the things she is. Of course where she is completely unkind do gently challenge he on it. But 10 is still very young.

This. Being dragged to some precocious kid's music recital is unlikely to bring out the best in any child, relative or not.

It's jealousy.

She doesn't like him being praised and getting attention. Perhaps she even envies his particular talents.

But that's what it is.

the consensus seems to be that you should protect your son, the way you should do it depends on where the bullying is happening. If you’re inviting her stop the invites. If it happens at the school and and the cousin is at the school tell the teachers and her parents.

You are teaching her that it is okay to be mean to your child and that her behaviour is okay.

You are teaching your child to avoid people and situations as opposed to tackle them at the time and nipping things in the bud. You are also teaching your child that it is okay for people to be mean to him.

It is not a good situation to find yourself in especially as life is difficult enough for your son and yourself, however you need to calmly and firmly stop it, without a big scene, and then move forward. Currently letting the behaviour go unchecked is reinforcing it and avoiding situations is also sending a message that you cannot / will not deal with it so the niece can carry on, ergo, reinforcing it.

That's true but when you grow up you get to know that not everyone cares about your unwarranted, unsolicited opinion so the sooner the parents can educate the child the less likely they are to grow up to be self-entitled opinionated dicks.

Unfortunately those people end up let loose on Twitter.

Grow a backbone and tell her to stop being so rude.

If she doesn’t like watching the performances, then tell her not to come.

Stop being such a wet wipe.

Beautiful wise advice by @Merrymcmerrison which I am re-posting:

“I'd agree with coming at this from a less hard position. My nephew has autism and similar issues, eg. not really reading social cues and behaving slightly outside of social norms - think talking over other children's parts during school plays type behavior. My daughter is a similar age but is the classic "good girl" and really tries to do everything "right". She is very perplexed by him. Praise is profusely given to DN by the adults in the family for his achievements (rightly, so) but she will say "But Mummy, he was throwing things during the service" and look confused.

She is learning about autism through him and will continue to grasp it better as she gets older. For now, we gently point out that DN finds some of those situations or activities really challenging, and that is why it is a big deal for him.

But.... like others have said, I do think there is a risk that she gets overlooked a bit in the family. Think comments like lots of praise for him, then "And yes, DD, you did well too.", then conversation moves on. I do get a sense she is starting to feel a bit overshadowed by him. I agree with other posters above who suggested maybe looking at some of the underlying reasons for why she might be saying the things she is. Of course where she is completely unkind do gently challenge he on it. But 10 is still very young.”

10 seems old when your DC is 7 but it is still very young. Generally, poor/unkind behaviour in children is a sign of unhappiness. It’s right to stand up for your son in terms suggested above (eg did you mean to be unkind? etc) but try to look behind what’s going on for her. Children need and feel safer with boundaries so at some level she would probably prefer to be reined in. Maybe she needs some affirmation also, even if she doesn’t know that. Are you able to discuss appropriate responses with her parents or do they just leave her to get on with it?

YABU to not defend him. I would have pulled her up each and every time, straight away. 'I'm sorry DR, what did you say? That isn't kind at all. I thought DS was brilliant'

No 7 year old is going to to enjoy sitting through a piano recital even if it is her 10 year old cousins. She'll be bored shitless and then have to hear on and on how wonderful her cousin is. Why would you or her parents put her through that?
She is being rude but she obviously doesn't want to be there so the obvious answer is just to not make her sit through it.

Not sure if i got the ages round the wrong way - but a 10 year old having to listen to a 7 year old would be even worse! The parents obviously should be pulling her up if they're aware though - why on earth aren't they? I think the fact he is autistic though is irrelevant here (and I say that as one with a piano playing ds who is autistic).

I would put it in a WhatsApp to the parents rather than say it, so they cannot twist what you say and cause unfair drama.

7 isn't a baby, as you describe your son. Advocate for him and don't infantilise him.

I would have pulled the other child up every time but tbh I would expect the parents to intervene too. The problem is no one is doing that
Going forward do not invite them to music recitals, maybe ask grandparents but don't bother with siblings or niece. If she is rude to your son, tell her straight away that she is being rude or unkind and needs to stop. She might get in a hump, her parents might too but honestly who cares? She needs to learn that her behaviour is unkind and your son also needs to know that his parent will intervene when necessary.

She's being rude, yes, but I'd not thank anyone for dragging me to any performance of any kind against my will. Why are they there? Do they attend the same school and are therefore in the same concerts?
If not, for goodness sake stop expecting a 10 year old to praise a 7 year old when she'd rather be doing something, anything, else.

I think Op needs to confirm whether this is on social media, in which case why is she on it, and simplest is to block her, or is it that she (plus family) are being invited to any event, or is it that any family event is being turned into a recital.
If it's the latter two stop inviting them, and I suspect the family will breath a sigh of relief.

If it's the sm I'd bring it up with her parents as an example of why she shouldn't be on it.

If it's not, then I think the person who commented from the pov of their dd feeling somewhat confused why their cousin is getting praise when it isn't that good, has a point.
I suspect the parents say similar on the way home.

10 is old enough to think about other people’s feelings. I’d be having a gentle word and trying to get her to think about how your son feels when he hears her say these things, and how she would feel if someone said similar things to her.

@MaggieFS he plays with a band and an orchestra with lots of other people at shows. MIL buys tickets to everything he’s in. There’s a restaurant trip incorporated to the evening too. MIL offers the tickets around and the uncle and aunt often ask to go. The kids are spoilt with food and desserts etc and it’s usually a really pleasant evening. I most certainly don’t encourage this too much because frankly, quite often I’m ready for bed after the palaver of getting him to things. Or could do with not having to rock up to the city hours in advance either (depending on timings) . DS has also played music in films and DN often tells him he was shit in those too.
@MargaretThursday DS isn’t really on social media, he’s too young for it and can’t consent to us sharing his life for him either. So we don’t use it.

@Quiteenough sounds like you have a child prodigy on your hands! amazing. I think that might be quite tough for the 10 year old who provably feels incredibly jealous. but that doesn't give her a free pass though. Best to nor invite her to future events and also speak to adults in the family about praising your DS in private rather than in front of DN. I would also speak to the parents and approach it from the perspective about being concerned that DN may feel overlooked and discuss possible solutions eg. not praising your DS in front of them or bringing her to all her events.

incidentally I did vote YABU but only because she is only 10, thinking she should 'fuck off' because she is behaving her age is unfair and unwarranted

Like @therealcookiemonster said, he sounds amazing and those are brilliant achievements, definitely to be celebrated!

I get the sense though, that you want us to tell you it is OK to cut her off and you don't really gel with her. I get that, it is understandable, it is horrible to see someone be unkind to your child. It absolutely brings out the fierce response, but I do think there is room here for a little self reflection first.

It sounds like her family are very supportive of your DS, regularly turning up to his events, making a big deal of them and praising him. I'm interested to know about how you interact with hers. If it is reciprocated? If she plays football, do you go to big matches, or attend school plays when she is in them? Buy her a little present for doing well at something? Or is is a cursory "Well done!" on her parent's Facebook page or the family WhatsApp chat, both of which she might never see.

I'd ask MIL to stop inviting all and sundry and just come along herself. Don't drag the cousin along because she clearly doesn't enjoy it.

Is your son really excellent or excellent for a 7 year old? There is a big difference. The 10 year old might be thinking that the music is nowhere near as good as 10 year old friends who have been learning longer. The 7 year olds band won't sound good to her. And she will be baffled by the fuss.

Primary School concerts can make even loving parents wince.

@whiteroseredrose he plays with adults at paid performances. MIL is obsessed enough to go to everything and I can’t be sure if the uncle and aunt come to watch the shows or just like the meal and drinks side of it. @Merrymcmerrison yes we’re supportive of DN. we got to her events ( low key I’m jealous of her mum for being a pony mum because I’d have preferred that in many ways but we get what we’re given) DN is a very attractive, articulate and academically gifted child. She’s definitely a bit spoiled though, bosses her parents about a bit .MIL had DS for nearly 6 months a few years back when I was seriously ill, DH could probably have coped with her support but I knew he’d be better fed and turned out if she kept him with her and I feel like that’s made her a bit extra protective of him and DN could be picking up on that. It’s so hard because they’re like chalk and cheese but MIL is very focused on the family unit and quite pushy and success focused too ( cultural stereotype but it does apply here) so there’s way more interaction with their talents and eduction than my parents who aren’t remotely bothered.

Why do you have anything to do with her?